Monday, February 4, 2008

Monday Mimisms ~ Superbowl Sunday: I'm Down With It

I have a Superbowl hangover.
Not from drinking.
From thinking.

I know it's unAmerican but I just don't understand football. It's not that I can't intellectualize the rules of the game, it's just that well......I just don't like football. And here's why.

They fall down.
They get up.
They fall down on top of each other.
They get up.
They knock each other down on purpose.
They get up.

It's insane!!!

Any other sport and they'd all be in jail.
Why is it OK for five players on the court (no, wrong sport) grassy knoll lawn to plow into each other like bulldozers and act like they just got the last chocolate Hershey's kiss out of the bowl holding on for dear life when they fall ON the ball?

Can't we learn to share? Whatever happened to manners? I swear as I was reading lips yesterday with my head cocked to one side trying to figure out which body parts belonged where (theirs, not mine) while the blues and the whites were groveling and grunting on the ground I watched a half-a-dozen contorted faces say, "Get offa me or I'm tellin' my Mama."

These thoughts plague me.
I'm a peaceful Queen.

It took me all afternoon to figure out that the coin toss had nothing to do with Ground Hog Day. So I made it easy on myself.

I decided that whoever made the first kick after the coin toss would be my player to follow. I can't keep up with all the numbers when they all fall in a pile. I just need one. Number 3 Stephen Gostkowski who is wearing a very nice blue and white suit sans a tie was the lucky winner. Here he is. Isn't he cute?

Height: 6-1 Weight: 210
Year: 2 Yrs/Pat: 2
Acquired: D4-06 (118th Overall)
School: Memphis
Major: Pre-Physical Therapy
Born: Jan 28, 1984 Madison, Miss.

Uh oh.
He's old enough to be my pool boy.

Trouble is, after he kicked the ball I lost him. It took me hours to find him again. The next time I looked he was sitting - and spitting - on the bench (yea I know that's a baseball term. Uh huh) and the pretty announcer in the leopard skin camisole with the sexy microphone was explaining how my baby had been injured in the locker room. Or something like that. Now, if I could figure out what happened after he kicked the ball.

I give up.

Thirteen minutes into the game and I have no idea what these words mean.
End Zone
Red Zone

2nd down
first first down
first second down (I think I just said that.....)second down and ten
(ten seconds? ten feet? ten people? what??!!)

catch and fumble
(They're not wearing gloves. THAT's the problem. Even I know that.)


(I think that means I'm allowed to watch the benefits of his gym rat personality skate across the fifty-yard line.)

And then there's the incomprehensible incomplete pass.

What completes a pass? A pass is a pass if you pass it, right? Why does somebody have to catch it to make it a pass? This is not so in baseball. Somebody throws. It travels aeronautically through the night air filled with the smell of popcorn and cotton candy into somebody else's raised or strategically placed glove. Simple. Beautiful. Contact.

I understand that.

Wikipedia answered my question as such: "An incomplete pass is a term in American football which means that a legal forward pass hits the ground before a player on either team gains possession. For example, if the quarterback throws the ball to one of his wide receivers, and the receiver either does not touch it or tries to catch it unsuccessfully, it is ruled as an incomplete pass. An incomplete pass causes the down to advance by one and the offensive team gains no yards. Additionally, the game clock is stopped."

You lost me at wide receiver.

In baseball (which is round, mind you) if somebody throws the ball and nobody catches it, you are not out, you are not down, you are just out of luck until you find it. Then you pick it up and throw it. The only time it doesn't count is when you catch it FIRST and then drop it. Now THAT'S a fumble.

This is the way the world should work.

SEAN M. HAFFEY / Union-Tribune (photo)
I understand popups, flyballs, grounders and hoppers. Strike three. The only signals given are from the pitcher to the catcher and somebody's mama, NOT somebody off the field behind a camera lens making a video with Paula Abdul.

Isn't this nice? Now that's manners. .........

Between Cheetos runs I found myself having to stop and google such terms as 'how many players can be on the field at the same time?' before I could write this story. I discovered the answer is eleven. Eleven??!
Why do they need twenty-two people to throw and catch one little funky-shaped ball that isn't even round. If it's not round it's not a ball.

And pass interference I read must be determined by "clear possession carrying a lighter burden of proof" that both feet, or only one (depending on the league) must be in bounds. Nope. You just need one sober umpire and somebody's mama on the third base line. We don't need no stinkin' lawyers in baseball.

And I was doing just fine until Wikipedia lied to me. Penalties: "...If the receiver (or a defending player) is touched by a member of the opposing team in a way that prevents him from catching the ball, it is ruled pass interference, resulting in a penalty against the touching player's team. The exception to this rule is if the ball is deemed 'uncatchable' by the referees, in which case a pass interference penalty is impossible."

This offends my deep sensibilities. Which brings me back to my original point. Aren't they SUPPOSED to be preventing each other from catching the ball? "Oh! You touched me in a most offensive manner and now I must tattle. But don't worry. I'll be back in thirty seconds to smash your brains out when the striped suit man isn't looking."

And we all know it does not result in a penalty. It results in a barroom brawl shoulder-to-shoulder while an unpadded whistle blower interferes with what everybody came to see anyway. I thought President Bush was going to call for the National Guard yesterday to restore order.

I do know what a touchdown means. That happens when somebody runs to the end where you can't go any farther. I think they have to be carrying the ball. It's like a homeroom  homerun without the bases and no fences. Right? I think I should go back to following number 3. I haven't seen him in a while. I'm sure he's underneath one of those piles somewhere and desperately needs me by now.

All in all, I think I did pretty well yesterday. I made it through twelve hours of crash course football all by myself. I learned a lot. I learned that to love a sport I should forget the analyzing and dictionary-izing and just go with the funky-shaped pass. Follow the curve of the aeronautic beauty through the night air smelling popcorn and rawhide. Or something like that.

See, I'm a global thinker. We're all connected. Synergy. A fumble is to a foul as a strike is to a technical. A fly catch is to an interception as a homerun is to a steal.

And a steal is just a steal.

But folks, I don't know what a down is.
And I never will.

Add to Technorati Favorites What posted on Mimi Writes one year ago today? Do I Need A Degree For This?

You can participate year round. Anytime!


Speedcat Hollydale said...

You have captured more than most.... and no rare steaks for me :(
A down is a series of plays, 4 plays you see, and if your guy is more than 10 yards down the field - (the right direction) You get a first down and 4 more, assuming you don't kick on third down ... because 4th down is VERY dangerous, and not attempted by a coach with a loosing record.

Hut 1 hut 2 hut 3 ... HUT HUT .... FIRST DOWN!!!!!!!!!

Hammer said...

I don't understand it either. Too many rules makes the game seem boring.

Hahn at Home said...

I was a tomboy and played football as a kid--we had no strategy or positions other than to run like hell and don't get caught and the kid with the ball or the kid without the ball. When I got older, I had no clue what it was really about as my buddies drew plays all over the chalkboard and nodded to each other as though they were genius. Superbowl has always sounded kind of like a toilet cleaner to me.

Lee said...

Your Highness, might I respectfully suggest that you confine your leisurely pursuits to more refined activities like Christmas concerts, playing the piano and such. Much more civilized and rarely is there any bruising.

Akelamalu said...


Sandee (Comedy +) said...

What a hoot Mini. Well, I'm not into football or baseball, but I do like a tightend. I always have. Don't you as well? Bwahahahahaha. Have a great day and a big hug. :)

Julie said...

Funny Sandee! I too am football illiterate! But i think i choose to be that way.

I like to giggle when straightfaced men say "tightend"!


Mimi---it's okay...we don't have to know the game!

bundle-o-contradictions said...

Oh...thank you for the giggles. I needed them so badly! You very eloquently expressed all of my confusion regarding the game. When my Poor Hubby explains to me how a call is wrong or why they've stopped playing for the 5th time, I just put on a concerned expression and nod sympathetically because to me he's begun speaking Mercurian...

Misty Dawn said...

I'm with you Mimi - give me baseball any day!

Oh, and Sandee's comment was great - hehehehe

Patti said...

Mimi you did a great job 'splaining this stuff. I'm not too conversant in footballese either.

Sandee's comment was funny. :-)
Tightend. Tee hee hee

Travis said...

Nicely done my dear. I applaud your effort. You made me smile.

Did you know that my mom actually taught me football? My sister knows and enjoys the game as much as I do. And it is a distinct joy in my life to be able to watch and discuss games with my Lady, who knows and loves the game just like me.

Deana said...

I actually like football. I guess I just picked up the rules watching the Superbowl as a kid and I was in the marching band in high school so I watched every game. I don't know plays but I understand yardage, when to punt, certain strategies....I loved the Superbowl this year. I like it when they are exciting....and I am so hoping at least one of my nephews will love to play!

Mimi Lenox said...

Speedy - Huh?

Hammer - Welcome to my world.

Hahn - Toilet cleaner....ha!

Lee - Piano is a manly sport too. I bruise my knuckles sometimes when I hit a clunker. I'm tough!!

Or not.....

Akelamalu - Yes, little Hawaiian girl. I stretched my pencil brain too far this time.

Sandee - Love a tightend...ahem.

Julie - You're right. We don't have to know the game. Why didn't you say so in the first place before I wrote this post and learned more than I ever wanted to ever ever not understand about football.

Can we just move on now?

Bundle - I'm so glad I "eloquently" explained your confusion. With a name like contradictions that says a lot about my pencil skirt efforts today. Glad to be of service. Now we're both confused. Here's to confusion! Cheers.

Misty Dawn - I'm a baseball girl.

Patti - You're so silly.

Travis - Your mom taught you football? I'm impressed. And I know you know this, but you are ONE LUCKY MAN to be able to share a sports passion with your lady.

Deana - Marching band for you would have done it. I think I might actually learn to like it if I had someone to watch it with.
As long as they could put up with my questions.

That's not likely......

Real Live Lesbian said...

I grew up watching with my Dad, so I understand. I just don't CARE!

It's tons of fun to actually GO to a game though!

Bond said...

You know how happy I am that my Giants prevented the perfect season...

You also know I like baseball better than football...

You also know that Nancy is also a sports fan and knows BOTH games well...

And I know oyu know that nothing matters if you do not have good buffalo wings and some beer and some Cheeto's to enjoy the game

heheheheh i laughed, i cried, i ate more wings while reading this

Julie said... you have BBQ sauce on your keyboard?

Mimi...whatcha gonna write 'bout next? Maybe i'll have more words of wisdom! Bwahahahahaha!

Mimi Lenox said...

RLL - Is there popcorn?

Bond - You and your chicken wings. Glad to make you laugh! Mission accomplished.
Thank goodness no one takes me seriously.

Do they?

Julie - I'm calling you BEFORE I write another sports post ever to save time. It IS funny when men say tightend, isn't it?
You are so right. There's just something seductively raw about it as well....hmmm...but that's another post.

JHS said...

OMG, I'm rolling on the floor here. That is one of the funniest things I've ever read and I can totally relate to it!

I only tried to care about football when Joe, Jerry, Dwight, Ray, et. al. were Niners and the late, great "Uncle Bill" Walsh was coaching. I just loved to watch Joe with his little flip sticking out under the back of his helmet, pausing before throwing & giving us a good look at his cute tush. After the Niners fell apart . . . fuhgetaboutit. I've never given a rip since. And most likely never will.

Anndi said...

Well done Mimi!

You get baseball, I get football and we both appreciate good manners... you complete me!

I think number 3 is still waiting out in front of the stadium for you, with popcorn.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Have I ever mentioned that you are totally nuts? I thought so.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - You have mentioned that a time or two, yes......

Anndi - Darn! I missed him. I think he just ran away with a cheerleader.

JHS - Joe...thanks for the description. I can see it now...

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Thank goodness arena football is next .... sigh

Mimi Lenox said...

Speedy - Arena football?
You mean like Knights of The Round Ball? or Shakespeare in The Dungeon (that was a Bloggingham Play ya know....)

I'm clueless.

Link Within

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...