"All you have to do is flip the switch, Mimi."
"The ice is melting."
"There's a puddle in the floor, my Prince."
"The flip must be switched...er.....I mean the switch must be flipped.
Flip the switch."
"I won't have French vanilla for my coffee in the morning."
"Find the breaker box."
"I'll break it.""You can't break the breaker. It's a switch. Just flip it."
"Flip the switch."
Can we talk?
This man has more patience than Dr. Anonymous (ha!) which is exactly where I would have ended up had I switched that thing-a-ma-jig last night. FRIED. Electrocuted. Not attractive.
Instead, I took Handsome's advice and broke a nail.
I broke a nail flipping the switch. He did not tell me this would happen. I was not prepared for such an event. I was not amused.
These things should come with instructions.
"They do come with instructions, Mims......"(Ice plops into vodka glass, Bud is eye-rolling 700 miles away, long sigh......I wait.) "On second thought Mimi, call the electrician."
"It's too late. I already ruined my manicure!"
It is not amusing to me when he attempts to stifle laughter.
"It's Saturday night. There's a puddle in the floor. My French Vanilla cream is melting and the butter is a mess. I might as well start cooking everything in the freezer right now. I'll make a casserole! It should still be good when you get here in 12 days, 14 hours, 32 minutes and 10 seconds."
He was not amused.
"In fact, I think I still have my Easy Bake Oven. I'll use it. I don't need to mess with the breaker thing ever again. I did not see a switch labeled Mattel. Great idea!. It's not attached to the flip thing at all."
We just had this conversation two days ago. I bought a new electric toothbrush. A lovely toothbrush. My favorite color. Recommended by my dentist. I was all ready to do my nightly Queen routine....you know....green face mask, olive oil hair treatment, toenail painting, big ugly yellow curlers, a simple exorcism or two and my first date with the toothbrush.
I couldn't get it out of the package.
"I need a jackhammer, dear.."
"You need a jackhammer."
Thirty second pause.
"I can't open my new toothbrush."
"Uh...have you tried scissors?"
"Of course, silly. I have scissors. ......somewhere."
"Get the scissors, Mimi. Use the scissors."
"Well...I tried using them. They don't work......since I broke them trying to open this five-inch plastic packaging. If they had security like this at the airport there would be no need for all that bottle nonsense. Are you paying attention?!!"
"You need scissors, Mims. Get the scissors."
"I have a knife."
Now I realize that must have been a frightening thought to him at the moment - given the fact that I was teetering on the edge of breaking a nail - but he didn't have to get snarky about it.
"I think it would be wise, Miss Pencil Skirt, if you put the knife down."
"Well what else do you expect me to do? I'm taking this back to the store!"
"Why? Is there something wrong with it?"
"How would I know! I can't get it open."
(He is not paying attention.)
But I forgive him. Long distance relationships are a bit tricky at times. Can we help it that he's not here to rip open my packages with his teeth and flip my switch? He's doing his best. Any man who'll put up with my Nabrackaphobia (that's translated "fear of nail breaking" for all you normal people out there) - is the man for me.
So this morning while I'm having my French Vanilla mocha lite with sprinkles in my favorite cup held gingerly by two bandaged fingers all warm and cozy in my electrically humming kitchen thanks to the wonderfully detailed instructions I got from a cute New England electrician, I decided to give him a call. Right after I do my Queenly prissy stuff in the ladies room.
Funny. I don't remember this floor being....being.....
"Good morning, my Prince. How are you today?"
"I feel great Mims! It's SuperBowl Sunday and I'm rooting for the Bears. Should be a great game. How's your toothbrush working this morning?"
"Never mind about the toothbrush. I've got bigger fish to fry."
"What's wrong now?"
"There's a puddle in the floor."
"Didn't you flip the switch like I asked you to?"
"I'm in the bathroom now, Bud." Sweetie? Are you there?
"Just checking my liquor cabinet quota...er...you know..for the game."
I think I flipped the wrong switch. I told you I shouldn't be standing in front of the electrical box singing eeny-meeny-miney-mo. I'm not qualified to handle such a crisis..."
".....you told me to flip the switch. You didn't say which switch to flip. I thought any old switch would do. Now, isn't that what you said Bud? I'm just ......
"Earth to Mimi......"
"...doing what you told me to do and now here I stand in my favorite pajamas with water on the floor about to plug up the hairdryer."
"That's what I'll do. A nice hot long bubble bath should fix this problem. When in doubt, bubble. That's always my motto.Bubbles....nice bubbles.....
Do you believe in long distance praying? Obviously, someone does.
"Did you say 'amen' sweetie?"
"Thank God you're still alive. What were you thinking??"
"I was thinking that I broke not one - but two - nails for absolutely nothing."
I hate it when he stifles laughter.
"Where are you when I need you?! Now I have to go back into the dungeon downstairs, find the breaker thingy and start this whole process over again. I'm taking my rosary beads this time."
"Mimi. You're not Catholic."
"I'm not an electrician either but that doesn't seem to matter now, does it?"
"Flip the switch, Mims. Just flip the switch."
Very funny, wiseguy.
"Look at it this way, sweetheart. At least your toothbrush works. Right? And without the use of a jackhammer. Isn't technology amazing.....Mimi?.....Are you there?"
"Back now. I've done all the flip-switching I'm gonna do for awhile. I hope everything works. I'm exhausted, Bud! And I need a bath. My hair's a mess, the bubbles have disappeared and my coffee is cold. At least my feet are dry now. Well....have a great day watching football. Don't mind me. I'll be here blowing up the house and otherwise breaking things. I'll talk to you later. "
"Goodbye, Mimi. Have a great day.""OH NO!"
"What is it now, Mimi?"
"It won't work!"
"No, Bud. The toothbrush. Aren't you paying attention? I plugged it in and everything.....and it only took me three hours to open the wrapping and then I had to bandage my hand because of the cut from the plastic and...
".....Why does this always happen to me? You tell me to switch the flip, I switch all of them. You tell me to get bigger scissors, I get the hedge clippers. I read the instructions in Latin, Spanish, French and Tagalog.........
"....calm down, Mimi...."
"My feet are wet, my pajamas are soaked, I need more coffee and I haven't even started my blog for the day! I just want to brush my teeth. Should that be such a hard thing to do??!! I'm about ready to ....."Yes, Mimi?" (said the voice of sanity)
"But you forgot one thing, dear."
"Oh yeah, wiseguy. What's that?"