Mimi In A Minute #32 ~ I Blame It On The Polar Vortex

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.

I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep. 
Do you mind?

I have a few things to say. This is Mimi unplugged.

Hide your children.

The cost of propane is rising, the temperature is dropping, California is scorching and no one on the face of the earth can stop the Arctic from Arctic-ing or that mysterious ghost ship of cannibal rats from drifting across the sea. I'm sick of the cold!!! And I'm scared of rodents. It's the end of the world. I want to hibernate.

We should simply switch coastlines and north and south poles for awhile.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if the world tipped over on its axis and we got the reverse effect of the Arctic blast? That's not a stretch for some people in the news this week. They're in so much hot water even the Arctic air can't fix it. Let's catch up on the news, shall we?

To Justin Bieber:

Stop! 

You have the right to remain sober.  I don't agree that you should be deported back to Canada. I think you should be escorted to Rehab. Yesterday.

Chris Christie: Here's your problem...
If your people had called Justin's people you could have coordinated a lane shutdown on the George Washington Bridge. Instead we have to watch both races come to a screeching halt on opposite sides of the country. The toll fee for his fancy car alone would have paid for the rest of your campaign. Think next time!

Dear Polar Vortex: I cannot afford toe socks right now, much less another tank of propane gas. Please go back wherever you came from. 

Mike Huckabee: who unbelievably said this week and I quote,"
(women) ..."they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of government."

As I recall and if you wanna get Blechnical (that's blog + technical for all you non-blog readers)... God banished naked Adam from Paradise first for disobedience.  Eve and her naked self stood alongside Adam's naked self by the Tree of Good and Evil. He blamed the woman (she did it!) as soon as he got in trouble with God in the first place.
That yin yang still does not fall far from the tree.

Is there an app for that?

And please, Adam and Eve, for the love of all that is Republican and Holy,

put some clothes on

It's cold.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.
Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.
Lights out.  

Brrrrrrrrr!!!


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Mimi In A Minute # 31 ~ Nuclear Rutabagas

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.
I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep.
Do you mind? I have a few things to say.
This is Mimi unplugged.
Hide your children.

The Iranians have a new president, the National Security people are apparently reading my grocery list and everywhere I turn people are talking about Kim K's cute baby Kimye. Congrats to her! The Midwest and Alberta, Canada are about to get more rain than the Great Flood and nobody thought to build an Ark. It is not a good day to be from the South either. Chef Paula Deen used the N word sometime in the 60s, George Zimmerman lands an all-female jury, and even with the new security secrets unearthed by what's-his-name who skipped out to China, we still can't find Jimmy Hoffa's body. And if it rains, that could be a big ole' mess. I'd say things are about normal around here. What a crazy news week.

To the new Iranian President: I do not know you personally. I am only an American pretend Queen. We have a lot of those here...but I digress. I would only ask that you make peace with the world and keep your nuclear weapons to yourself. Good luck.

To Vladimir Putin, former President of Russia: I do not know you personally. I am only an American pretend Queen. Maybe you accidentally forgot you put the ring in your pocket when you started to shake hands with someone. It happens to me all the time! And please make peace with the world and keep your nuclear weapons to yourself.

To state lawmakers who want more of my paycheck: Keep your hands to yourself

 To the United States of America: Please give Robert Kraft another present to replace the ring he lost to the Russians. I just want him to stop causing an international incident.  Is it his birthday soon or something? I am worried that the show-and-tell that went awry will be the undoing of us all. And could we please make peace with the world and keep our nuclear weapons to ourselves?

 Dear Congress.... If you have a violent criminal history or documented mental instability ( I don't mean you personally, really I don't...let me start again). If a person has a violent criminal history or documented mental instability, they should not be able to legally buy a gun. Wait. That didn't sound right. If mental criminals with violent historical instabilities (I don't mean you personally, really I don't) apply to legally purchase a gun, they should not be allowed to do so.  It's still a spit-in-the-wind attempt, but it's something. 
Why is that so difficult?

To The Supreme Court: "Human genes cannot be patented." You got that one right. Applause. Applause.


To NASA: Thank you for discovering a new series of black holes in the relatively close Galaxy of Andromeda.  What if we propelled all the nuclear weapons, assault rifles, demon people, Super Bowl bling, flu viruses, rutabagas (I hate rutabagas) and whoever patented pantyhose into the center never to be seen or heard from again?
  Wait. Let me ask Congress.

Dear Congress:  I've found a new loophole.  FYI: A black hole is a dense region of space that has collapsed in on itself in such a way that nothing can escape it, not even light.
It's perfect for holding things we no longer need (I don't mean you personally, really I don't). It's so secure you won't even have to allocate for Secret Service.  Think of it as the Universal Time Out Chair. Nuclear war heads! Troublesome viruses! #Annoyinghashtags! Think of the possibilities. NASA told me it would be fine with them. They're not using it.
What is so difficult about that?

Oh. I will personally pay the rent on the rutabagas.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.
Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.
Lights out.

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Mimi In A Minute #28 ~ Snooki Birthers and other Mysteries

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.

I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep. 

Do you mind?

I have a few things to say. This is Mimi unplugged.

Hide your children.

To Elizabeth Taylor: I forgot to say goodbye. You fascinated me my whole life. You were all girl. All the time. Thank you for your glamorous and giving ways.

Cocaine at NASA Space Center: That's not the kind of high we want.

psst!

who the hell is Snooki?

Polygamists Unite! Research reports: In five years it will take 3.5 people to actually support one household. Don't they have that backwards? It already takes 5 people to support 3.5 people. Think about it...

To all the Birthers out there:

I want to see the Ten Commandments written on the original stone tablets too. In triplicate signed by God.

Fat chance on both counts.

Dear FAA: I like to take naps. I hear you have some openings.

 

To any Birthers still out there:

  Do you think that is Snooki's real name on her birth certificate?

Have you checked?

Did you know there's a phone app that captures pictures that OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU are snapping at the same time?  We need to stop taking our phones into public restrooms.

   To the gas price gougers: $5.00 a gallon in California? Pretty soon I won't be able to afford to drive to work. But if I stay home maybe I can afford to support half  myself.


 

Kate's weight: It is our business WHY?

Last call for any and all Birthers left out there. I need your help:
Who the hell is Snooki?!!

and last but not least

If Donald Trump had Sarah Palin's hair, I would vote for him. That is my deep political opinion on the matter.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.

Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.

Lights out.

Mimi In A Minute #27 ~ No Fly, No Nukes, No Bull

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.

I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep. 

Do you mind?

I have a few things to say. This is Mimi unplugged.

Hide your children.

From tsunamis and misery in Japan to nuclear power questions, the world is not a pristine ball of blue this week. It is staggering to think about what the Japanese people are dealing with. They deserve our prayers and mindfulness. Before the disaster there, these things were on my mind as well!

Libya

 To Fly Zone or Not To Fly Zone ~
Can we find another option before we find ourselves out of options?

Last I looked
we are still in Iraq and Afghanistan.
I see a fly zone. Don't you?

To Mark Zuckerberg: The price of privacy on Facebook is higher than a barrel of crude oil. That must have been what you were talking to the President about. Right?

I would like Lady Gaga to hatch herself out of an oil barrel next time drenched like a pelican ~

Born This Way would take on a whole new meaning.

Teachers as scapegoats? I have one word to say about that:

TWENTY-ONE (??!!)  Pennsylvania parish priests on administrative leave from their pulpits for allegations of sex abuse.  It will be interesting to see if the sheep still gather.....

without the wolves

If we start using wind turbines for energy, do we all have to have cows in our front yard?

 

At least we wouldn't have to worry which way the wind is blowing

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.

Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.

Lights out.

Mimi In A Minute #26 ~ Sheen On or Shut Up

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.

I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep. 
Do you mind?

I have a few things to say. This is Mimi unplugged.

Hide your children.

I'm all for free speech, telling it like it is and tolerating an enlightened and open society (or else I wouldn't be writing this post) but I've gotta tell ya...we've heard some crazy mess spoken in the last few days on Planet Earth.

Back in the day way way waaaay back in the day my mother would have washed my mouth out with soap for even hearing the things I've heard said lately. But that was before every thought that passeth outeth the braineth of mankindeth was madeth to be uttereth all over the worldeth at the speed of lighteth. 

**I think I just channeled Jimmy Swaggart**  

You best be hiding those children.

NoMore Kadafi:  The people are in control you say? Dodging bombs from the sky makes that a little difficult.

And I really don't think this is your color.

To Rahm Emanuel (who looks just like my friend Vinny's brother - I kid not!) was booted off the ballot and somehow became Mayor of Chicago anyway. Now there's an example of people in control.

      
To the 14 absentee lawmakers in Wisconsin who are about to lose their parking spaces and other perky perks for not showing up at work. I like it! The protesters now have more sleeping room for tent and merry-making.

And besides, all you need is one Swiss Senator with Mubarak's bank account information to balance the budget. Why didn't you think of that? And you call yourself the Swiss cheese capitol of the world. 

To Google:  PLEASE don't lose my emails again this week even if you do lose your algorithm. But I just don't see what Al Gore has to do with it anyway. It sounds like a personal problem to me.


  THANK you for finding them amongst the tapes in your mysterious storehouse. Maybe Al could use some to patch up the ozone layer. Why don't they ask me these things?

BTW: If Kadafi  would pull a Mubarak and Mubarak would fly in the proposed no-fly zone -

all problems solved!

And we wouldn't have to hear anymore crazy talk while they are upgrading their resumes. 

I could have saved 'em a lot of time ya know.

On an important side note: I hear the United States government will be in operation for at least two more weeks after all. Whew! And I thought they might close the federally funded nail salons.

Does this make sense to you?

  All the teachers in Providence, Rhode Island were given pink slips but Rush Limbaugh still has a job.

To the wacko church members hellbent on picketing military funerals (I'd said this before ya know).... Just 'cause you won a Supreme Court decision today based on the premise of free speech does not mean the price paid for it was free. Your freedom to say it was bought with blood already spilled by the American soldiers you love to hate.

Mexican border mayhem:
Please, for the love of God, stop supplying weapons to Mexican drug dealers from my corner of the globe. I am ashamed.

 To the Apple iPhone designers: I just have one word to say about your virtual keypad. F.I.N.G.E.R.N.A.I.L.S

Sigh.

To Mr. Webster! Please! I have seen exactly 23 ways to spell the Libyan leader's name in the last 24 hours. Somebody call it.

To Charlie Sheen:  

Go directly to Rehab. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200

We could use a little more duct tape in this country.
And maybe some soap.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.

Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.

Lights out.

Photo credit: Public domain and Creative Commons 2.0

Mimi In A Minute #25 ~ I'd Say We Have A Situation

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.

I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep. 
Do you mind?

I have a few things to say. This is Mimi unplugged.

Hide your children.

Scientists have now discovered that female tears cause a chemical reaction in men that makes them flee
NOW you tell me

To Vitamin D or not to Vitamin D:   It's the Sunshine Vitamin! One day it is good for you the next day it'll kill ya.  That is why I'm still crying.



To the members of Congress who sat side by side during the State of the Union Address last week:

What a simple symbolic statement of the power of INTENT. I don't care if it's hokey. I don't care if it's called "date night".  I don't even care if it's superficial. 

It was brilliant.

Here they are for a photo op just 3 days before the Arizona shootings.
Why does it take a tragedy to force an attempt at unity?

To ALL Internet Providers:

We all want an unlimited plan

See that tiny speck on the right tower? That's me trying to flip the switch. AGAIN.

Dear iPhone developers:

Please devise an app for Manners

Thank you,

Mimi Pencil Skirt

President Obama talking to Egyptian President Mubarak on the phone

I hope you have an unlimited calling plan.

Guys....I think we have a situation.

This is no time to get our wires crossed

It was required reading in the 9th grade..

Does anyone else find it Toffler-ishly surreal that the world's most serious situations are being played out on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube right before our universal eyes? 

To the Egyptian people

30 years is enough
I want to stand and cheer.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.

Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.

Lights out.

Photos: Public Domain