Chicken Soup Is Not A Projectile ~ Ten Reasons I'm Not Going To The Inauguration

10 Reasons I'm Not Going To The Inauguration

(It's too late to beg me now!!!)

1. My invitation got lost in the mail. Can you believe it? I called and checked. They said, "It must have gotten lost in the mail." Those were their exact words.




2. I have to ride one of these. With the common masses?
I think not.

3. They want to security me. Oh please. I can barely get my makeup case through security at the airport without causing an international uproar. The Inauguration Of The President: Tickets To The Swearing-In Ceremony website states that there is no check room for prohibited items. This does not please me. I simply cannot enter the grounds without my ruby red sparkly lipstick which, trust me, is "deadly."

4. I could lose my lunch. True story. My son and I and a few hundred other musicians traveled to perform for President Clinton in the early nineties during a speech in Kenan Stadium. It took 4 hours to get through security (no kidding...every tuba, every flute, every drum cavity had to be inspected) and by the time we made it through and reassembled ourselves there was no time left to perform. He spoke. In the rain. We soaked. In the rain. And then some of us left without our lunch. Thermoses were not allowed within so many feet of him and since we were close to the stage - there went my hot chicken soup!! How could my homemade-cure-the-diva-vocal-cords-chicken soup be considered a weapon?
Oh. Right. Dumb question.
**In his defense, the President wrote a nice apology letter for not having time to hear us sing but didn't return the thermos.
I hope he liked it.

5. Packages are not permitted. The environmentally correct peace globe I brought for President-Elect Obama will be naked and unadorned...unwrapped.
Oh, the scandal.

And what does THIS mean?? "Other items that may pose a threat to the security of the event as determined by and at the discretion of the security screeners"
There goes my pencil skirt......


6. Humiliation: They didn't ask me to sing. I'm shocked. The musical prelude to the swearing-in ceremony begins two hours before the swearing-in. I swear! That gives me plenty of time to poof my pencils. But nooooooo ....somehow Elvis Costello and Sting managed to razzle-dazzle the Obama people before they received my audition tape. How am I supposed to hold my head up in this blogtown with such an obvious disgraceful display and disregard for my Queenship?7. Swearing or Lack Thereof: No one is allowed to swear unless they are taking the Oath of Office. The President and Vice-President can swear up a storm but I am not allowed. The President and Vice-President's spouses, children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles and third cousins thrice removed can swear but I am not allowed. The President's dogs can swear but I am not allowed. I don't usually swear but that's not the point. What if I wanted to??! The surest way to get to me to do something is to tell me I can't do it. The government hired 1,000 Profane Police to keep things civil and dignified. What if I stump my toe and I want to say a cuss word? I'm not allowed! It's un-American, I tell ya. Another reason for me to stay home.

8. Forget world summits and depressing recessional depressions for a minute; it's all about the clothes. They're positively psychic. Here's former First Lady Hillary Clinton in 1993 doing the the inauguration boogie with her soup-stealing husband - and wearing the only blue dress that mattered.
See what I mean? It was bad karma. She should have worn pink.

There are 39 days left for me to pick out something to wear that won't have galactic implications in the long run. And what if I get a run in my pantyhose? Rip a stitch? Bust a button? These things keep me up at night. So I asked. Here's the reply I got today in the mail: "Outdoor, portable restrooms are located throughout the U.S. Capitol grounds." I see the handwriting on the proverbial wall.

9. I learned today that the National Mall is not actually a mall. There are 2,000 elm trees and a botanical garden.

Not a shoe store in sight.

10. And last but not least, I am not allowed to wear my pencil skirt to the Inaugural Ball. It's a matter of national security. And that's all I have to say about that.....

Maybe I'd better stay home and eat my chicken soup.
Can I borrow your thermos?

Copyright © 2008 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.