Friday, December 12, 2008

Chicken Soup Is Not A Projectile ~ Ten Reasons I'm Not Going To The Inauguration

10 Reasons I'm Not Going To The Inauguration
(It's too late to beg me now!!!)

1. My invitation got lost in the mail. Can you believe it? I called and checked. They said, "It must have gotten lost in the mail." Those were their exact words.




2. I have to ride one of these. With the common masses?
I think not.


3. They want to security me. Oh please. I can barely get my makeup case through security at the airport without causing an international uproar. The Inauguration Of The President: Tickets To The Swearing-In Ceremony website states that there is no check room for prohibited items. This does not please me. I simply cannot enter the grounds without my ruby red sparkly lipstick which, trust me, is "deadly."

4. I could lose my lunch. True story. My son and I and a few hundred other musicians traveled to perform for President Clinton in the early nineties during a speech in Kenan Stadium. It took 4 hours to get through security (no kidding...every tuba, every flute, every drum cavity had to be inspected) and by the time we made it through and reassembled ourselves there was no time left to perform. He spoke. In the rain. We soaked. In the rain. And then some of us left without our lunch. Thermoses were not allowed within so many feet of him and since we were close to the stage - there went my hot chicken soup!! How could my homemade-cure-the-diva-vocal-cords-chicken soup be considered a weapon?
Oh. Right. Dumb question.
**In his defense, the President wrote a nice apology letter for not having time to hear us sing but didn't return the thermos.
I hope he liked it.



5. Packages are not permitted. The environmentally correct peace globe I brought for President-Elect Obama will be naked and unadorned...unwrapped.
Oh, the scandal.

And what does THIS mean?? "Other items that may pose a threat to the security of the event as determined by and at the discretion of the security screeners"
There goes my pencil skirt......


6. Humiliation: They didn't ask me to sing. I'm shocked. The musical prelude to the swearing-in ceremony begins two hours before the swearing-in. I swear! That gives me plenty of time to poof my pencils. But nooooooo ....somehow Elvis Costello and Sting managed to razzle-dazzle the Obama people before they received my audition tape. How am I supposed to hold my head up in this blogtown with such an obvious disgraceful display and disregard for my Queenship?7. Swearing or Lack Thereof: No one is allowed to swear unless they are taking the Oath of Office. The President and Vice-President can swear up a storm but I am not allowed. The President and Vice-President's spouses, children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles and third cousins thrice removed can swear but I am not allowed. The President's dogs can swear but I am not allowed. I don't usually swear but that's not the point. What if I wanted to??! The surest way to get to me to do something is to tell me I can't do it. The government hired 1,000 Profane Police to keep things civil and dignified. What if I stump my toe and I want to say a cuss word? I'm not allowed! It's un-American, I tell ya. Another reason for me to stay home.

8. Forget world summits and depressing recessional depressions for a minute; it's all about the clothes. They're positively psychic. Here's former First Lady Hillary Clinton in 1993 doing the the inauguration boogie with her soup-stealing husband - and wearing the only blue dress that mattered.
See what I mean? It was bad karma. She should have worn pink.

There are 39 days left for me to pick out something to wear that won't have galactic implications in the long run. And what if I get a run in my pantyhose? Rip a stitch? Bust a button? These things keep me up at night. So I asked. Here's the reply I got today in the mail: "Outdoor, portable restrooms are located throughout the U.S. Capitol grounds." I see the handwriting on the proverbial wall.


9. I learned today that the National Mall is not actually a mall. There are 2,000 elm trees and a botanical garden.
Not a shoe store in sight.

10. And last but not least, I am not allowed to wear my pencil skirt to the Inaugural Ball. It's a matter of national security. And that's all I have to say about that.....

Maybe I'd better stay home and eat my chicken soup.
Can I borrow your thermos?


Copyright © 2008 Mimi
Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

35 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Good one. I can't imagine why you weren't on the top of the list, and allowed to wear whatever you chose. I'm sure it's an oversight.

Linda said...

So, Elvis Costello and Sting - neither of which are Americans I believe (I could be wrong on Elvis Costello but I'm too lazy right now to Google it) - are invited to sing but you're not? Somehow that just doesn't seem right. Don't they know that you are American royalty?!?

And as for the cussing ... seriously now ... that shouldn't stop you as you don't cuss! At least you never used to!

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Costello is allowed to make a "Spectacle" of himself (I crack myself up) but I cannot sing Dona Nobis Pacem?

I am miffed.

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - I'm beside myself with indignation (and have had a tad too much Chardonnay tonight ahem...)
As for the cussing.....pantyhose runs are grounds for all kinds of profanity.

If I say it in my head it counts, right?

ciara said...

stepson's gonna be there...part of that smithsonian trip 8th graders take. lucky bum.

i'd be kicked out for swearing like a sailor lol

Mimi Lenox said...

Ciara - Ohhh wow....I am soooo jealous. Good for him though!

Shannon H. said...

The Queen is too good for those people!!!

Sabrae said...

lol that just cracked me up!! sure you can borrow our thermos!

Lois Grebowski said...

LOL @ #9!
Now that's a reason... No Sephora either? Bah!

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - They never see things my way.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sabrae - Welcome to my world. Glad you are cracked.

Mimi Lenox said...

Up. I mean. (need coffee....)

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - Can you believe it??!!

Crushed said...

I'd love to be there...

I really hope this is the start of something new. I have such high hopes.

Poptart said...

WTH?! You can't shop at the National Mall?! Unbelievable...

Mimi Lenox said...

Crushed - My hopes are high too.

Mimi Lenox said...

Poptart - Not even a Starbucks. It's a national travesty.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Elvis Costello and Sting? Who invited them? American artits would be more logical.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Have a terrific weekend. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

tarheelrambler said...

Mimi, if I'm ever elected President(of anything) I will invite you to sing for the swearing-in ceremony. Even if it's to lead my local Caribou Lodge. And I won't talk at all so you'll be able to sing as many songs as you like. There's only one condition: you have to agree to one duet with me. :0)

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - I'm hoping there are other choices. I think Leona Lewis is being heavily considered. I love her. She's British too!

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - You do the same!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - You've got a deal! I hear you are a great singer....I think I read that somewhere.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Now that's funny! What a riot. My invitation got lost, as well...

carol g said...

I vote for staying home with the chicken soup... can see much more watching everything on TV and don't have to worry about runs in the panty hose... PLUS you can swear up a storm and not worry about national security...

Jamie said...

Your majesty, May I suggest that you and a minimal entourage of 49 become the guests of Maestro and Mrs. Maazel at a mere $50,000 a night. Let others take the chaufeured 90 minute drive from Virginia countryside to DC to all that hassle while you luxureate in the indoor pool and await reports from your syncophants. It does benefit music education for children and is fully deductible.

SandyCarlson said...

Thermos is on the way!

That was a lot of fun. I guess I'll stay home, too.

Julie said...

I would stand guard at the port-a-potty for you.

Travis said...

I think it's like the Super Bowl. Sure, it would be great to go once just to say you've been and to see what it's like. But you'll see more and be warmer if you stay home and watch it on tv.

anntaj said...

so funny..

* hello...:)

Lizza said...

That's too bad, Mims. Your pencil skirt and half-face would be a great addition to that day.

kathleenmaher said...

Mimi, If Barak himself asked you nicely, please come. Sing the National Anthem for everyone--wouldn't you reconsider?

Otherwise, I'm not watching the show. I'll read all about the next but I'm not watching unless you're there and treated properly.

I mean it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Maybe YOU have my invitation. Did you look in your mailbox?

Carol - A swearing-in ceremony is for swearing, is it not?
Gee whiz!

Jamie - I didn't know! I'll write a check for the $50,000 right away. Wanna come?

Sandy - I can't wait to see. Seriously, I can't wait.

Julie - That made me smile...and giggle. You are such a sweet and funny friend.

Travis - And that's what I plan on doing. How's the snow your way?

anntaj - Why, thank you!

Lizza - I'm still holding out for that invitation....

Kathleen - If President Obama asked me nicely, I would do it. But no outdoor latrines!!

And thank you, my friend.

Patti said...

Sorry your invite got lost in the mail. Don't they know you are a world-famous journalist?

Or blournalist?

Well I never.

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - I guess my reputation has not preceeded me! Darn.

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