Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday Mimisms: Counting Flip Flops On The Wall

I don't shag. I don't dosey-do. I don't even dip.
(If you're from the South, you'll get that)


It was Geriatric Night At The OK Corral
Why do I let her talk me into these things? I'm talking 'bout her. My friend who keeps dragging me here and yon to "parties"..."lessons"......and "functions".....
This was a benefit dance disaster soiree with a new band. At least that's what she told me.
"It'll be fun," she said, "Let's go!
You'll see, Mimi, it's a different crowd than before."
I was skeptical. I was correct.
This is the same place I once stood several years ago when the "gentleman" approached me and literally pinned me to the bar after saying, "Honey, you look like a Sunday School teacher." He reeked of smoke and was the spittin' image of the late great Conway Twitty. I swore on my pencil skirt I would never come here again. What was I thinking??! The point is....I can do this for Jane tonight, of course I can. What are friends for? She looks like she's having fun. She's knows people here, she is a bit older than I am, she can shag her little legs off. However, our agendas were totally different. I could have been content to just enjoy the band and talk to people. But it wasn't that kind of place at all.


If you didn't shag, you weren't cool. In all honesty, I love love love to dance but I really don't want to shag. Ever.
As in not-in-this-lifetime.
Well, at least Conway wasn't there. I was so glad he wasn't.
Or so I thought.

Jane and I were perched on a bar stool in prime time view in the middle of the dance floor division. Just as I breathed a sigh of relief that intoxicated Conway was nowhere around, I turned around to see this hanging directly above my head on the wall.... I kid you not.

It was a sign from God.
Do you know who that is? It's the late great Conway with the late great Loretta Lynn. I told you I was in the Geriatric Bar! These people are DEAD!!! A wall of album covers. Next to Conway was Floyd Cramer no less and Donny Osmond in red white and blue bell bottoms. He's not dead but he might as well be.



Why am I in a country shag club? I swear I just heard rock 'n roll.
This is no place for a Queen.
She tricked me!!!
Here are the delicate highlights: I counted THREE people total who looked to be in the 40-50 age range, two young enough and cute enough to get me arrested, the majority were coupled or married and the other 5,298 were on the last leg of their shaggy Social Security checks. I've never seen that much white hair in one place ever. There should be a limit.

I must admit the band was excellent. So good that a lady down front had a religious experience listening to Skynyrd's "Simple Man". See?

My soon-to-be-ditched-friend fluttered off to dance with a guy she had "absolutely no interest in" (twice) and I was stuck with a man with no teeth who approached me and asked, "Dancing or watching?"
My initial response was "Throwing up" but I kept it to myself. I told him I didn't shag, shoot pool or dip snuff and he left.

Could it get worse?

Does SmithKline make Geritol?!!
The Electric Slide began in all its glory. Donny was thrilled. Conway smooched Loretta. Mimi hatched a plan.I did the only thing I could do.
The ladies room was lovely. That's me in the strappy sandals.
Counting flip flops on the wall..

That don't bother me at all....playing solitaire too long ....with a deck of 51... Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.

Now don't tell me I've nothing to do.

30 comments:

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Accepting such invitations from a friend always has the possibility of taking on the veracity of an unbelievably awful blind date.

Bond said...

Funny stuff...EXCEPT...the white hair comment...ya know, ya don't have to be old to have white hair...now apologize or I kill the flip flops.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ouch!

Akelamalu said...

I like your shoes!

I'm presuming a Shag is a dance? Over here it is a completely different thing and one wouldn't say Shag in company! ;)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A delight to read, Mimi. As Akelamulu says, 'shag' means two very different things!

Mimi Lenox said...

Nick - I couldn't have said it better myself...

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - I actually nearly axed the comment because of you but I thought you would know I'm not talking 'bout you! You are not eighty....

Please don't hurt my flip flops.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - You too??

Oh dear. I've offended my friend. I duly apologize but ya know I'm being a pencil skirt here...saying sorry...seriously! I'll make it up to you. Do you want permanent amnesty from the dungeon? Don't tell anyone though.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Please write me and tell me what shag means in your country. What have I done?

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-luc - Will someone please enlighten me? What is a shag in the UK? Is it PG rated?

I fear not.

Mimi Lenox said...

And who is this Ernie people keep asking me about????!!! I was talking about Ernest Hemingway's WRITING....not his personality.

I am so misunderstood.

Lee said...

I really think you need to start looking for fun a little further east, Your Highness. Oh, wait. They shag at the beach, don't they?

Mimi Lenox said...

I'm sorry I brought the whole subject up. Let me set the record straight. I love to dance.
After what I witnessed this weekend I have no desire whatever to "shag"....and whatever the heck that means in other parts of the world.....I have a feeling I shouldn't be saying it in public.

Queen is getting out the dictionary and writing my friends in Europe.

Yes, Lee, they "shag" at the beach. I am not amused.

Thats a big no thank you.
You'll find me here staring at flip flops.

On
the
wall

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

I'm glad that got cleared up. I have no idea what anybody is talking about. I do know I wish you had a better time...

Linda said...

I don't dip, shag, or dosey-do myself but I do sit and watch and make snarky remarks about those on the dance floor who obviously know how to have a better time than I do!

Three extra points to you for using a Statler Brothers song for this post!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Have you ever known me to shag dance??? I don't think so.
I need a new hangout.
And a younger crowd.

Dawn said...

You definitely need a new hangout...
and a younger crowd...
Next time trust your intuition :D

Anndi said...

It could have been worse... one of them could have plopped his teeth in your drink. I hear the shag can disloge even the most polygripped dentures... when done properly, that is.

Travis said...

Thank you for the Statler Brothers!

Now...I have explained the type of dancing you must do dear. But if you must do something like this again, then I suggest you brush up on your 2-step!

No peep toed pumps this time?

Oh...shag means horizontal bop over there across the pond. You know?

**wink**

Akelamalu said...

I was going to email you Mimi but Trav has given you the answer! :0

Mind you there are other differences in our language too i.e. a fanny here is a ladies front bottom!

bundle-o-contradictions said...

Oooohhhh, sounds excruciating! And I thought the last time I went with Poor Hubby when he went to play a pool tournament was bad: a flashback to big-hair 80's. We were the only ones with no holes in our jeans & nary a sign of leather. Your friend owes you big time!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - You are right about that.

Mimi Lenox said...

Anndi - Ewwww....

Trav - I thought that's what it meant. Now my post takes on an entirely different meaning!

Akelamalu - Taking notes. I'm afraid I've already offended the white-haired people. Wouldn't want to say the wrong thing again.

Autumn - It really wasn't all bad. Live and learn ya know...

jennifer said...

Mimi I will go to bed with that song in my head.... and a smile on my face. I haven't heard it in years and it is wonderful.

I am just impressed that you went out. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got to go to a place where the ADULTS were having fun!! Parks and arcades and put put golf for me until the last one gets too old for such!

Have a happy Wednesday.

Lynda said...

Oh my, this is more than hilarious, it is much more.... hahahahahaha, very well done, and lady, I know where you are coming from.... oh Lord, the memories of such.... hahahahaha... excellent!!!!

Lee said...

Your Highness, I guess I'm a true Tarheel now. I was so concentrated on Shag being the dance they do at the beach that I never even considered the UK translation: the horizontal mambo. I would never presume to...

(Note to self: Be sure to put a whisk broom in your pocket to tidy up the dungeon.)

Ferd said...

LMAO!
You are hilarious, Mimi. Truly, that was no place for a Queen. You seem to get yourself into very funny situations. Problem is, there aren't that many Queens around, or many queenly joints apparently.
Oh well, at least you keep yourself entertained "counting flowers on the wall." Funny!

Mimi Lenox said...

Jen - I can totally see you going out with me and having a blast. Want to??

Lynda - The single life at this age is totally insane.

Lee - You crack me up.

Ferd - I have learned to entertain myself, yes. Somebody has to!

Susan Ramey Cleveland said...

I don't think Loretta Lynn is dead.

Mimi Lenox said...

Susan - Oh no!!!

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