Monday Mimisms ~On Vacation With the Queen

Much to my surprise, the underlings at Unknown Parts International forgot to reserve the royalty coach for my flight to Parts Unknown. When I breezed into town last week they were busy running around checking airplane tires, the weather reports, reading emergency safety rules, and pleading with passengers to lock their seat belts until the plane stopped. How important could all that be?

Where is the red carpet? Trumpets? Isn't there supposed to be a servant with a pillow at the end of the runway with a crown on top? (no, I forgot.....that was a pageant 1982), a bouquet of dandelions somewhere?? (no.....that was my wedding 1975) or even a celebratory cake and fireworks for the Queen? Oh yeah....That was my divorce 1999. Didn't someone announce my arrival?

I vowed to get in pencil skirt trouble in my last post. So far, the first 48 hours have been "interesting" but totally unfit for public consumption. Suffice to say there was bail money involved. The man in the red Cadillac attempted to kidnap me. I escaped and pressed charges. Everything would have been just fine had I not gotten into an altercation with the processing department about that wickedly colored powder they were using on cute guy's fingernails. Don't they know anything about manicures? Hence: the arrest. Then sulked when I realized nobody (not even one of you!!) would post bail for the Queen.

He took me to his chateau in the hills of the Unknown Parts where he forced me to (gasp!) blog.

The rest is totally unbloggable.

I'll start from the beginning of my trip, skip the good parts, and proceed from there (so as not to give my mother a heart attack). Why did I teach her how to use a computer?

Ten Things I've Learned on Easter Vacation Thus Far......

1. If you don't bring a crown nobody knows who you are.

2. When the pilot says "it's going to be a bumpy ride" you should say 3 Hail Marys, recite the Ten Commandments The Pledge of Allegiance, and page 32 from "A Girl's Guide to Good Hair" in that order. Worked for me!

3. I asked for a white limousine to pick me up. Instead I was greeted by a handsome man in a red Cadillac.
Finally! Someone with some sense.
And it was fortunate that I was wearing my red coat to match.


4. Jails in this town do not have accommodations for royalty either. The airlines were a first clue to my dilemma. There was no room service!!

5. There is no creativity here at all. The bailiff told me I had one phone call to make to get me out of jail. I asked for a message bottle to throw in the ocean instead. I wasted my one opportunity to break free (and get a decent manicure) only to find there was no ocean. I planned for an ocean. They said there would be ocean. I see no ocean!

6. Not one person in the local CVS, the Laundromat, or Denny's Restaurant bowed, curtsied, or even waved. I tried waving first.
They just thought I was deaf.

7. By this time, the local jail was really tired of my hissy fits.

8. The Cadillac Man tried to calm me down over the weekend with a romantic dinner for two in one of New England's Parts Unknown's finest restaurants. Things were looking up. But I had to hide my mug behind the menu most of the night. Word sure gets around in a small small town.

9. I discovered that all of you are still live in the same place in my computer. Why is that? I travelled seven hundred miles. Weren't your isp addresses supposed to change too? If the world is round and you travel round doesn't that make sense? I'll look into it before I start the Peace Globe campaign. I hope I don't have to change everyone's location in the gallery. Sigh.

10. Yesterday I visited Mrs. McGillicutty again and her favorite daughter Diane. You can read the story of how she tried to push me off this balcony
last year and the horrid cuticle disaster that preceded our dinner.

She said to tell you hi.

And last but not least......
11. The bad news is it's too cold for the bathing suit I packed. The good news is that I met up with the driver of the red Cadillac. It was our first date ever (so not true); once we survived the kidnapping attempt of course. After our brief stint in the slammer and paying an attorney to expunge our records, we learned to vacation quite well.
As long as he behaves himself.

I shall report. My pencil skirt is in hot water.

Hush Homer.

What posted on Mimi Writes one year ago today? Trees, Valleys, and Minuets
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