Monday, August 15, 2022

Monday Mimisms ~ Vetting Their Pets

Do you know what it's like to tackle online dating AGAIN when you're not in your fifties anymore? No? Glad you asked. Men are different. Way different. And they say things like "way different" instead of speaking intelligently into my delicate ears. Way different? Who says that??!
(Who let that dog in here....)

As of this morning, there are thirty-one messages sitting in my online dating inbox. Thirty-one. Oops. Ding! There goes another one.

 This will take all day!! 

 But help is on the way. My favorite blues/lyricist/guitarist and all-round brilliant laid-back musician, Tracy Chapman, told me that I just need ONE REASON to stay. Of course, she hasn't said much at all since 2008, but I'm hoping she'll release something soon and inspire me to find good reasons to fully unleash myself on Match Dot Exhausting with no hives or nausea.

 Because, makes me queasy.

What more do they want? I've updated the updates to the updates, mentioned that I'm a Queen, set the algorithms to only fetch royal bloodlines and said I'm allergic to poodles and peanut butter. What else do they want from me??! I'd better have some super cute and mega rich younger men who also live in a palace in this pile of nonsense today or I'm done. I'm tired of being interviewed by unsuitables.  When they find out I have a real cat named after a candy bar and a sassy imaginary internet dog, they hang up. Every.Time. 

I. don't. understand.

Conversations go like this: How many times they've had covid, how many times they've not been vaccinated, how many times they HAVE been vaccinated, how many exes they dated or children they spawned during the pandemic (it's a thing), how many situationships went awry and landed them in the emergency room (realllly?) and then they have the nerve to ask about MY pandemic romances at which point I'm sure they're stalking me and reading my blog and I hang up in utter disbelief that my life has come down to wildly inappropriate run-on sentences. Who needs that?? 

If one more man asks me if I've had my shots I'm gonna scream. It's so rude. I'm not a dog. 

I suppose I should be thankful that I have so many choices. But it's not ice cream flavors. I only need one, right?  Just one. No of you (I'm pretty sure it was Shannondid tell me that I could have more than one if I wanted. She said it on Facebook! And if anyone in the Blogosphere knows how to lend a moment of introspection, it's Shannon

 This means I have thirty-one EXTRA suitors for backup singers occasions, right? Hmmmm.....I could have a date for thirty days straight!

And please, for the love of all that is Bloly (that's Blog + Holy for all you non-blog speakers) stop sending me eighty-five-year-old shag dancers. Do you know that some people think "shagging" isn't even real dancing depending on which country you live in?? In Canada, it means something entirely different. What do they know?  I don't want to start another international incident like I did in 2008 when I tried to send our peace globes to the White House. That's probably why Tracy stopped recording that very same year.  Nobody wants to be associated with a peaceful troublemaker.....

 Listen to one of my all-time favorites tunes by the amazing Tracy Chapman. 

It's time to open the messages. Brewing coffee laced I may need references. I'd appreciate it so much if one of you could vouch for my sanity and impeccable taste in men 

then all will be well in the palace again.

Thirty-two messages and a hat full of crazy town...
This does not bode well.

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Mark In Mayenne said...

Good luck !

Mimi Lenox said...

Thanks Mark!

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Lol. I love this post! My last attempt at farcical romance was in 2000. Final nail in the coffin of my dreams. I wrote about it in a poem titled Love Is Why I No Longer Eat Blueberry Muffins. But i have to say, anyone would be lucky to date you. Your fans hope he is worthy of the honour.

Mimi Lenox said...

Oh, what a kind thing to say. Thank you.

And Ha! Sherry, I love the term "farcical romance"...but are you sure it was the final nail? I'm going to go find your poem about Blueberry Muffins. I have a similar connection to blueberries and oatmeal with an ex. I always think of him when I have them for breakfast. Long story...

Finding Pam said...

Oh Mimi! I am sad to think that there is no one suitable for my Queen. Don't give up. Surely, your someone is out there. Maybe you should go to a dating site for Kings and Queens. I hope that your King finds you. He is missing out of a lot of fun.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - Ha! I'm ready for that fun! I just want him to "get me"...ya know? I'm a lot.

P.S. All of them weren't unsuitable for me. I found a few possible connections in this stack. I'm waiting for a couple of video phone chats to happen this weekend. That should be fun. I shall report...if it's bloggable. LOL

ShannonW said...

Would you really want to have a date for 30 days straight? I recommend spacing them out a bit to give yourself time to determine if any particular date was worthy of royalty. <3

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - LOL I wrote that tongue-in-cheek, of course...NO, that would be exhausting (even with the same person). I will take your sage advice again and space them out. Do you mind if I run them by you and Riley?

meowmeowmans said...

Sending you light and good energy to get through all those messages, Mimi, and hoping you find some gems in that pile!

Mimi Lenox said...

Meowmeowmans - There are some potential gems in that pile (I cautiously said). We shall see. Thanks for the light and energy.

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