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Sunday, March 3, 2013

Monday Mimisms ~ Love In The Hemp Milk Aisle

 Somewhere between the couscous bags and the seafood aisle I heard my name. 
Well, not MY name, but my online name. In a nearby town. In a store I'd never visited. Out of the blue. We'll call me "mangoApril" for now....

"Mango April?"
I stop in my tracks. I turn. There is a man staring straight at me holding a platter of stuffed salmon with rice and raw oysters in his cart, saying my name, not just any ole' name, thaaaaaat name
He smiled. I smiled. I laughed. He laughed. I was curious. He was curious. My brain was racing. My milk was spoiling. "And you arrrrre?"
For the life of me I could not place a Bill.  I strained. I looked. I tried. Nope. Not a Bill.
"Do I know you?"
"Well," he said, "I looked down as you were walking a few minutes ago and thought 'what a cool pair of pants!' and then when you got closer I said, I know that face!" 
"You doooo?" 

  "I do!. ....You are MangoApril from Date-Nice-Women dot com. I wrote to you in 2009. You were hiding behind a tree with a camera in one of your photographs. Busted again. I'd recognize you anywhere. I only wanted to contact two women: you and a Susie. Susie and I met once
But you never responded to me."

Awkward does not describe it.
"ummm...well....2009? But I'm not online anymore. I closed that account (didn't I???!) 2009??"

"But that's not your name, right MangoApril or is it April Mango?" 

 (Homer...shhhhushhh. Not now.)

 "What does that name mean anyway?" as he laughed.
Looking down at a 3 lb. bag of oranges in my cart I had to laugh too. "Nothing. Totally innocuous. It means nothing. Just pulled it out of thin hair....air..." Oh, my Bloggy People, you will not believe how messy my hair was. I'd just come from wallowing on an MRI table for over an hour (the arm), my mascara was splotchy from scrunching my eyes closed in that imaginary coffin and my brain being more scrambled than usual from the magnetic pull of the jackhammer noise, while wearing ugly orange earplugs that could NOT drown out the sound of what I firmly believe was a simultaneous visitation from John Cage and Mick Jagger while in the tunnel of magnet love.  I was a hot mess. And no manicure. No manicure!! Oh, the humanity.
(Homer! How impolite. Can't you see I'm trying to talk to the nice couscous man?)

And all that paled in comparison to the panicky fact that had I changed my shoes in the car before the fancy grocery store visit I would not have been wearing my suede boots in the seafood aisle, but could have (almost!) been wearing tennis shoes for fast-shopping purposes. Little did he know that underneath the cool pants lurked purple and blue comfort socks pulled up to my knees with peace signs on them.
 while I should have been thinking about how to shut my mouth and worry instead about finding the bone health food with Vitamin D that I came in there for instead of wandering around aimlessly taking pictures of hemp milk cartons out of some morbid fascination, I, in typical fashion, was more concerned about the color of my underthings and did I or did I not remember to refresh my lipstick before I entered this place and could he see that I was just not my usual Mango self that frolicked and splattered on the long ago page of forgotten and apparently undeleted profiles.  I should never have taken myself out in public after fighting with magnets and broken bone images in a hospital freezer room so I wasn't thinking at ALL and
I told him my name. 


No. Not this name. Not that name. Not pencil skirt. Not peace name. No. My almost real name.
"Nice to meet you," holding out his hand and introducing himself. "Nice to meet you as well," I said, "but I truly do not remember being contacted by you (he has nice hair...) My mind is not on dating right now and I'm really not interested in dating sites. I just ended a dating relationship and really need to take a break from it all."

"What happeeennned??!" (he has sympathetic eyes) as he leaned in nicely but not too much if you know what I mean.
"Oh, nothing really happened. Just need a break. Don't you ever feel that way?"

(No couscous for you today!!)

Secretly wondering if he'd also seen me checking out the locally grown down-right theatrical display of blueberries and whole grain everything-under-the-sun in aisle three, I heard him say, "You look a little distracted," (ha!) and I have my brother with me today so I'll just leave you with my business card and email address. I own a chain of retail stores in this area. Do you know it?"  He handed me the card.  (ummm...yes, I knew it, everybody who's anybody knows it since it's kinda hard to miss with that larger than life sign on all those buildings...shut UP, HOMER! NOT NOW!)

"Since you're no longer online anywhere (do not tell him, Bloggy People!) you can reach me at this number."

I took his pretty card and wandered away with my organically grown oranges and 2% lowfat milk in a real glass bottle, so glad I hadn't added a gallon of unsweetened original omega-3 Hemp milk to my cart before I met Mr. Retail With The Long Photographic Memory and affection for my pants. No, that did not come out right. See? I'm scrambled!

While I was checking out, he stopped by to say goodbye and reminded me to email him, flashing a smile that only a man in a store where vegetable pizza costs $12.00 a slice could have. What a nice man. Polite and mannerly. And nice hair. And nice smile. And nice personality. And what a freaky thing to my $10 bill nearly got caught and destroyed in the conveyor belt at the register..."Ma'am. Ma'am! Your money!"

"Sorry! I just got so distracted. Did you see that man who just left? I was in your store today for the first time and he called me by my online name right over by the salmon cakes was just so..."

She stopped punching keys. People in line behind me leaned in to whisper and listen in that order. And since I'm not known for keeping quiet at ALL about such things, she and I had a hysterical run-on sentence conversation about the man and my unattractive wild hair day and vitamin D deficiencies and coincidences and destiny (she said it was destiny I said it was not) and in her teenage girly kind of way I had to indulge her romantic notions and agree that it was indeed, most unusual, at best. 

Maybe he was wearing metal somewhere on his body and my recent brush with magnetism reeled him in my direction.
That's my story.
Stranger things have happened you know.


Travis Cody said...

Well, they do say that the produce aisle at the grocery is a great place to meet people. I prefer the gym.

Little Miss Titch said...

Well I would it was fated for you two to meet,don't dismiss him out of hand you could become great friends if nothing else

Unknown said...

Destiny cares nothing for dress codes and lipstick and disheveled hair. What a neat story!

Akelamalu said...

Fate, Destiny, Synchronicity - take your pick Mimi, you need to ring him, it was meant to be!!!

Mark In Mayenne said...

He remembered you from 2009?

Seems rare enough in itself to warrant an investigation.

The Gal Herself said...

I love that he was sensitive to your dating dilemmas and that he clearly finds you attractive even when you feel you're not your best. Perhaps he deserves a chance, your Highness.

The Gal Herself said...

I love how sensitive he was re: your recent dating dilemmas, and that he clearly found you attractive even when you weren't feeling your best. Perhaps he deserves a chance, Your Highness.

Michelle said...

The great law of hair is the day yours is truly BAD will be the day you bump into the very last person you want to see you like that.

in my case it was dashing from Christmas cleaning (of the dog mostly) to quickly exchange a damaged gift and finding myself stuck on an ecalator with the ultra-cool perfect girl from class who now was the fashion buyer for the shop I was in. I was wearing wet dog hair and she was wearing a pale pink silk two piece suit and very posh perfume. You do not want me to describe how our hairstyles differed...

Michelle said...


Last night we watched the movie "We Bought a Zoo"

His favourite quote (from his book too) was...

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

What can a queen do with a phone numver of a cute man and 20 seconds insane courage? ;-)

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