Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Bachelor. Elephants? REeeeallly?

"Ewwwwww. That's gross! They're kissing. I can't watch this part."
Hide your eyes, Baby Boy.
Tonight we stumbled onto ABC's The Bachelor.  I don't watch the show at all but it looked entertaining and distracting. Frivolous. It was Rose Ceremony #9 for Brad The Bachelor.  Somebody is getting the official see-ya and a rose.  Oh, I see. It's like Survivor without the rats. Or is it?

I tried to briefly explain the premise to Baby Boy who was making Super Mario "books" in the floor with magic markers and a stapler. "I'm into speech bubbles," he said.  You have a tall handsome rugged guy trying to pick a wife from a lineup of beauties in a contrived reality show in the wilds of South Africa.
I'm watching this spectacle of "dating" in a ho-hum kinda way wondering how in the world these people got themselves into such a predicament.

Gal #1: Brunette. "In love" with said bachelor. Hellbent on convincing him he's in love with her as well. After she thanks him for protecting her and her picnic muddy water lunch from a growling hippopotamus, they spend the night under the stars in an African tree house. Candles. Wine. Elegant surroundings if you count the leaves..... And elephants and lions making elephant and lion noises underneath the mosquito net right along with them. It was a zoo in there I'll tell ya.
**paraphrasing** "You know.....I really have feelings for her. I can be myself with her much more so than with the other two perfect female specimens. I love her spontaneity. She might be the one. Every time I'm with her there's a definite connection. I'd like to explore this further."

Silently clapping for love and romance in my naivete way I think, "Ahhh..isn't that sweet? He's going to ask her."

Gal #2: Blond. Southern. Down-to-earth. Single mother. Wholesome persona. Little itty bitty beautiful black dress with sequins ("I'm one lucky man," he quipped as she approached him in the African moonlight.) After an uncomfortable elephant ride and dinner under the stars they retire to the "Fantasy Couple's Suite" in the jungle - after she makes it disappointingly clear to him that there will be no hanky panky.
Go,Tarzan, Go.

**paraphrasing** "Gal #2 is someone I could really see myself spending my life with. There's so much I want to ask and know about her. I am falling in love with her in a major way. I would sincerely from the bottom of my soul dedicate my long long johns and tootsie rolls to her and her daughter for the rest of my life even though I've only met her daughter once. From the depths of my being I could do this. Yes. That is the man I am."

She confesses, "I need to tell you that I am falling in love with you," she exclaims with a timid wide-eyed Bambi look.

Eureka!! You TOO?

Baby Boy: "But he was just kissing HER!! 
The OTHER one!" 
You noticed that too, Baby Boy?
" I wish he'd stop dating 'em and just ask one of 'em to marry him already."
Me too, Baby Boy, me too.

Gal #3:  Blond. Intelligent. Fun. Real. Inquisitive. Confident. Dental school. Obviously crazy about The Bachelor. But eyes him with a puzzled look throughout his matrimonial grilling of her future intentions with him.
They have a "history"....apparently some Carnival Date once in the state of Maine. Now they are in the tall grass on another continent and he wants her to ride in a helicopter with him to mend her fear of flying and hold onto his flannel with a tight grip  Brilliant plan, Mr. Bachelor.

The girl ain't buying it.
Neither am I.
After a few fits of hysteria, she complies. And why not?  Never let it be said that I, Mimi Pencil Skirt, would have skirted an opportunity to play wilting Scarlett either. They chop off into the sunset and spread a blanket on God's Window, having a picnic "all alone, just the two of us" and 32 camera and film crew. The intimacy is staggering. Hide your eyes, Baby Boy! (who has by now written "Will you marry me?" into one of his speech bubbles)

**paraphrasing** "I've missed her so much. You have no idea how much I care for this woman. My emotions run deep. She is the one I've waited for. Since the moment we met there's been an incredible amazing connection.  I know that in a couple of weeks I'll make the decision to take one of them for a wife and she is top of my list! I have waited patiently-while-playing-Tarzan-in-The-Tent with Gal #1 and #2 for the real love of my life. It is she! My Love. My Commitment. My reason for life.

He dumps her.

Of course he does.
It's a reality show.


Julie said...

Hah! Very good Queen Mimi. You wrapped it up in a 5 minute reading but watching it for 2 hours was fun too!

Charles Gramlich said...

fortunately, I've been able to miss every episode of the Bachelor ever filmed.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

If it gets transmitted here, I'll know I need to avoid it.

Jamie said...

Several years ago I got hooked on "Outback Jack" which was a male model pretending to be Crocodile Dundee while choosing from several refugees of hard living. If it hadn't been so pathetic it would have been seriously hilarious ... I see nothing but the looks of the contestants has changed.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - I didn't know you were a fan! I am not but it was entertaining nonetheless.

Charles - Well said!

Jean=Luc - Good plan! Glad I could be of assistance.

Jamie - I remember that show!

Brad reminds me a bit of a rugged contestant..and then he speaks and it is ruined. Oh Lord. Just bad.

Travis Cody said...

Fortunately there's this thing called the internet, so I did not have to sit through that drivel to see the Season 12 celebrities for DWTS.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - How do you feel about the contestants this time?

Ferd said...

LOL at your ending to this post!
"He dumps her.
Of course he does.
It's a reality show."

Baby Boy is going to have to sort this out in his mind, by watching The Bachelorette!

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