I Don't Want To Be a Kiwi
"Miss Pencil Skirt.......""Yes, Doctor Death?"
"I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want first?"
(checking imaginary frosted mug....) "The glass is half full today. Give me the bad. I can take it."
"You, Miss Lenox, are spineless."
gulp
"Spineless??"
(emptying imaginary frosted mug...)
"You have no backbone whatsoever and furthermore......how shall I say this delicately.....?"
(filling imaginary frosted mug with liqueur)
"......your coccyx is inflamed and bruised."
My WHAT??! My what is what??
Huh?
"I didn't know I had one. Is that anywhere near my tailbone?
"It's the same thing, Mimi."
"Oh. I knew that."
"Mimi, do you sit on it for long periods of time?"
"Do I sit on what?"
"Do you sit on your coccyx?"
Is this one of those trick questions? Just give me A,B,C,or D to choose from please....
"Hmmmm.....Sometimes. Yes. I must admit, I do. But I can't help myself! It was a gift from my great-great-great grandmother Anastasia The Egyptian Mummy Queen and I just love the fluffy pillows and curve of the wood and it looks so nice in my living room....
You do remain in a prolonged position putting unnecessary stress and strain on your south spine. Don't you, Mimi??! Don't you? Admit it. You do sit on your coccyx!! "
"If I knew where it was I could better answer that question, Dr. D. Am I supposed to sit on it?"
"Yes, Mimi."
"Well why didn't you say so in the first place? Where else am I supposed to sit, doctor? Do you wish me to stand on my crown?"
(doctor making notes......severe agitation and extreme paranoia - hypochondria-approaching hives -mine- I- will- need-a-prescription....) "Look. I've tried the dreaded donut pillow. It does not help. Now instead of being numb on the bottom padded part I'm numb on the sides. That's no good. And if I don't get off that stupid inflation my derriere is going to grow lopsided and won't properly fit into my size 6 pencil skirt! They don't make lopsided skirts ya know..... Doc? Doc? What are you writing??
Great. Another prescription. Chemical euphoria. I'm already having hallucinations. Last night I dreamed I wrote a blog post about my tailbone.
"What am I supposed to tell my readers? They will not understand this ailment."
"Just tell 'em the truth, Your Majesty."
"You read my blog??! "
"How else do you think I could diagnose this neurosis? And anyway......when you paid your bill last month you signed the check Mimi Pencil Skirt. I was intrigued. What can I say?"
"What you can say is that you can fix my.....my.....end parts. How undignified! You want me to tell them about my......shhhhh......the south side of my skirt?
I can't do that. I'm a Queen!!"
It was time for drastic measures. Doctor D. had had it with me. He reached into the closet and pulled out the.....
"Put the Barbie and Ken dolls away, doctor. I really do understand. Just show me the xray. I can take it.
"Just do this, Miss Lenox, and you'll be fine. Here's the prescription....
"But my readers won't. All two of them. They already think I'm a pain in the patootie. And come to find out, I AM."
"You can say that again," mumbled the good doctor.
Bluntly, Miss Skirt, you've blogged your proverbial butt off.
Unless you want to end up looking like this........
.........you will do as I decree."And I got a bill for this?"
He was not amused.
"As I was saying, Missy, you are spineless. If you don't get some gumption soon and stop this incessant blog writing you're gonna be in hot water - and I don't mean a blubble bath either, young lady.. I'd like to see you again in 3 weeks...."
Mimi is thinking Saturday night instead but the good Doctor is paying her no mind. Who wants a lopsided Queen anyway?.....
.....in 3 weeks for more xrays and if said bruised backside is no better then we'll have to .....
(thinking....massage??? yes??) ...PRESCRIBE THIS.
Sigh.
"Do you take cash?"
32 comments:
Get off your coccyx and do some tae bo, don't even take off your pencil skirt and high heels! We can't have you unblogged!
Exercise in the morning, blog in the afternoon!
My friend has a similar problems...though it was due to exercise (military) that caused it. Oh the irony!
please do whatever it takes to keep fit to blog ~ I suggest sweeping the moat more often
and taking that poor beagle for a nice, long walk
For a minute there, I thought you were mad at New Zealand. And I thought, "yeah, it is kinda annoying how they keep to themselves all the way over there; it is kinda annoying that the only kiwi movies that make it all the way over here are really good movies, and that makes me think they are really good at making movies so I go to the trouble to hunt one down and rent it and it sucks.... How dare they deceive me like that!" But, then I noticed the picture of the kiwi and decided to get more orange juice.
*sigh* Having the same sort of troubles as I've been research8ing and writing a damn legal brief. I have a wonderfully comfy chair that cradles my butt but my frigging laptop gets too hot when it's on my lap LOL
I broke my tailbone once--oooo blog fodder!
Sorry about that, Mimi. When it's inflamed it can really hurt. Maybe you can blog standing up. Blog while doing the electric slide. And if you end up with a few typos? We'll understand.
Tae bo in a pencil skirt??? Lizza did mean Bow Tie, didn't she?? And at that, it would be a fashion disaster, well unless it's a really, really nice bow tie. Take it easy dear friend,we're all with you.
Would a Scandinavian modern sofa be better for your coccyx? In my walking days I had fallen on my coccyx many times, and it did hurt. Had used many 800mg Motrin anti-inflamation pills. True about the donut cushion, it was only helpful to me one time, and that was after a...um...posterior thingy removal procedure (trying to be polite here!)
Lizza - Yes ma'am.
Akelamalu - Great advice but that would mean I'd have to get UP earlier. No can do.
I'm doomed.
Silver Neurotic- REALLY? Exercise actually helps this. Anything but sitting helps.
JB - I've only been faced once with a true "pain in the ass" situation while blogging. She was a fine example of coccyx pain.
Patti - The beagle is an issue I must admit. He is so loyal and so underpaid.
Craig - Wrong kind of juice!
That poor kiwi. His insides exposed for all Blogdom to see. I should be ashamed.
Turn - Take care of yourself. What a coincidence. I broke mine as a child while riding a bike. Ouch.
Kathleen - Typos are a problem.....I should invest in spellcheck and a treadmill to place my laptop on! I could blog and jog!
Patti - The beagle is an issue I must admit. He is so loyal and so underpaid.
Craig - Wrong kind of juice!
That poor kiwi. His insides exposed for all Blogdom to see. I should be ashamed.
Turn - Take care of yourself. What a coincidence. I broke mine as a child while riding a bike. Ouch.
Kathleen - Typos are a problem.....I should invest in spellcheck and a treadmill to place my laptop on! I could blog and jog!
Frank - I'm fine. I could have worse ailments. Just a temporary - and comical - affliction. I'll bet I'm not the only one in the blogosphere who fears the dreaded donut.
How unQueenly.
Ralph - SURgery??!! I need to lie down again.
Mimi, did you get my email? I sent you one a few days ago. I'm sorry about your "bum." My great-grandma broke her coccyx going rollerskating with me when I was 12 (she was in her '70s). Feel better soon!
Polli - Maybe I'll stick to Tae Bo. Not much chance of falling (unless I'm wearing a skirt). Better go change now....time for exercise.
Yes, I did get your email and have not had time to properly and thoughtfully answer.
But will soon.
Whoa.. those are pretty strict commandments!
You are one of the first recipients of a new award! Stop by to pick it up. :)
Oh you poor dear...
Bahahahahaha! Very funny. Since I read x-rays it was doubly funny. Now listen to your doctor.
Blogging was not the best invention. I guess your doc is right. :-(
Uh oh. I think you may be in someone's sights. Could be the doctor. Could be the receptionist. Either way, you and your problem patookus may want to lie low.
Take some grapefruit and various drinkables to the flat up on 6th Ave. 3rd floor. Stay calm, under the table, DON'T turn on the stereo, and wait for instructions. The laughing mineral water delivery man will pass you an inscribed bottle of Perrier. You'll know it's for you by the mispelling... Terrier. Tip him liberally. We'll be watching via GPS.
Keep blogging. Surreptiously. All will be well.
Uh... Surreptitiously. Don't try confusing me with the facts.
The things we Queens have to contend with, in a word cycle- shorts the padding helps whilst sat on ones throne!!!!!!
How dare this person talk to you about your coccyx!
I never heard of anything so rude in my life! :)
Screw the doctor... you better not stop blogging..... maybe a nice coccyx massage is in order
did I really say that?
Skittles - Your site is freezing up. I'll keep trying. Thank you! I'm so curious.
Crazy Working Mom -Just need a few hours in the blubble bath.
Janice! - Inquiring minds want to know what's wrong with the kiwi??! Will you read the xray for us?
Sidney - I should have bought that pillow a long time ago. Maybe a blogger somewhere will come up with a blog pillow and patent it! Probably make a million or two. I'd buy one!
Greg - You are too funny. And turn off that GPS thingy!
Queenie - I'll go shopping right away.
Dan - That's what I thought too. How awful to talk about one's end parts in a blog. It should be against a law somewhere. How could someone do such a thing? Totally unbloggable.
Bond - Yes, I believe you did say that. Is someone impersonating the couch man these days? What's gotten into you?
Of course, friends, none of this is really true about my tush. I could have made the whole thing up. Ahem......I'm such a bad liar. I could't resist the humor. Life IS stranger than fiction. And funnier. No matter what I could not stop blogging. I'll try typing lying down tonight and see how that goes. Will report.....Sigh.
Ouch. Suggestions? I think this is a new medical condition. Blogitis? Mimitis? Queenitis? Lying down is not working. I can't type sideways.
You, my dear, are an absolute hoot!
I love your style and delicious sense of humor!
Hi Gracie - Thank you and glad you had a laugh. Come back anytime.
Priceless!!! LMAO
Peace
Thou shalt not blog???? Is this man out of his mind? That's like a death sentence without the FAVOR of death!!!! *SCREAM*
I know the solution:
Eat like a maniac so your tummy grows fast (or get pregnant it's about the same size of tummy wanted ;-) and then you can stand up blogging, with your laptop balancing on the tummy!
See, there is always a solution :-)
Or, this suggestion might be much more fun: hire the most handsome man to hold the laptop for you. Of course, that makes it a bit risky, you might not being able to concentrate on the writing.... *giggles*
There is actually a third alternative: hire a ghostwriter, butt personally I don't think he or she can live up to your standards!
Maybe a man. Just think about how fun it would be to see him in your pencil skirt - because he must have that to get things right, right? *giggles*
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