Monday, August 27, 2012

Monday Mimisms ~ We Have A Situation

**warning: run-on sentences ahead**

Never let it be said that I can't create catastrophe. 

Blog posts find me wherever I go. Shopping with me is not for the faint-hearted, the patient or the sane. Shopping with me is like a wild ride in a runaway lingerie aisle, where undergarments of their own accord fall right off the shelves at the mere mention that I am about to walk past them, in some sinister conspiracy that always always always catches me with a pair of hot pink unmentionables in my accidental hands at the exact moment my parish priest happens to walk by. Having my hand caught in cookie jar leaves me so traumatized on these occasions that I don't even stop to think why he's in that department to begin that you mention it.
But since you have, I'll tell ya what happened to me Saturday.

I was minding my own business sitting in my car in the parking lot of a FINAL CLEARANCE SALE making notes on my strategic plan of action once inside the perimeter and eating a chicken breast sandwich with honey mustard, lettuce, tomato (not that you asked) and a side order of onion rings and sweet iced tea with extra ice. Do NOT tell my doctor about the onion rings.  When all of a sudden I spotted a sidewalk sale just down the mall strip from the clearance sale.

I finished my sandwich (not that you asked) and made my way toward the gravitational pull of the sidewalk which caused me to bypass the clearance sale for a minute don't ya see (this made me a little sick to my stomach) but nonetheless, just as I was about to descend upon the boxes marked $1.00 full of tools and odd things, someone had the audacity to line up ten apple and pear trees on the sidewalk as a diversion to the diversion before the main course which was of course the clearance sale!!! I can't even GET to the clearance sale for tripping over fruit. Are you with me, Bloggy People? I stop. I examine. I want trees. I cannot take them home because duh Mimi they will not fit in your car unless you pull a Romney and strap them onto the roof like some pet it were.

When all of a sudden I hear a crazy man talking to another man about something he saw on television in a pow-pow shoot 'em up show complete with sidewalk sound effects and he was standing RIGHT in front of the box on the ground I needed to get to which held my find of the day.

This beauty. An emergency glass breaker for $2.00.
Do I know my way around a greasy hardware store or what?
I'd wanted one ever since my car nearly landed in a lake. Did I mention  that had the fateful Toyota spin on water spun the other way one more half turn that I would have gone into a lake? Which got me to thinking (always a danger) what WOULD I have done? The experts say that if your car goes underwater that you are to open the door and get out. 

Duh precisely the moment before it sinks totally while it's in the floating stage. The only problem with that is that I'd be in the comatose stage from sheer terror and forget to do that which is why I need Plan B (I told you there were run-ons). The window must be kicked out. The experts say  that ladies can use their high heel shoes to do the trick. 


What woman is going to ruin a perfectly good pair of Melanis on a slim chance of survival? Which is why, you see, I needed that car glass windshield breaker. I reached down between the two pow-pow-pow guys and picked up two breakers. One for me. One for my accident prone son.

I walk in the store to check out. Did you get that, Bloggy People? The cashier picks up the first breaker and scans it. Beep. Beep. Beep. Hmmm...he scans it again. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Then he looked at me very strangely and said, "I'm afraid I can't sell this to you, ma'am."
(I am not a criminal! It is not a weapon!! Is it? What have I done??!)
He picks up the pager microphone and loudly proclaims
"Manager! I need a manager!"

People behind me are beginning to back away. They are staring at my pocketbook, my debit card, my merchandise and my blushing cheeks. I looked at the lady behind me who was wide-eyed in silence ready to stick her hands in the air because of little ole' me. She turned to her husband and started whispering. People are looking at me like I have a bomb in my flip-flops. (I am not a criminal! It is not a weapon! I'm a peace bloggin' person I am!! I want my mama.)

The cashier absolutely looks like he is going to faint. I kid you not. I put the doe-eyed look on the child and said, "Why does your scanner keep beeping like that? What is wrong?"

"It says this item does not exist. Where did you get it?"
(I am not a criminal! It was right in the box by the crazy pow-pow men! THEY are the real criminals here! It's a conspiracy! I want my mama AND my attorney)

"From the box on the sidewalk outside. The one marked $2.00. See? It says $2.00 right here..."  I picked up the glass breaker. The lady behind me backed up. Now EVERYONE is whispering. Can't you people just stand there with your deer food and chainsaw oil for a minute without commentary?

"Manager!!"  he literally screamed into the microphone.

"It says the government has a ban or something on this and I can't sell it."

"Then why do you HAVE it in your store?"

He grabbed the pager again and said,
 "We have a situation. We have a situation!"

Look, Bug-Eyed Boy, I have been called many things but never a situation. You can't even spell situation. You just got out of kindergarten.
By now I'm wishing I was picking up stray pink underwear in the lingerie department with my priest instead of in this God-forsaken nightmare of a hardware store.

The manager came barreling down the wheelbarrow aisle glaring at me - The Situation.  I could just see the wheels turning. What? Did ya steal something, Lady? You packing a stolen credit card? Trying to buy ammo with a felony on your record? Huh? Huh? You don't fool me with that doe-eyed pouty face. I know your Melani boot kind. You're going to jail, Missy, jail!!
(Did I mention I want my mama?)

 The angry head honcho who was dragged away from the all important job of polishing stove pipes, looked at me, looked at my person, looked at my pocketbook, looked at my now sweaty debit card, looked at the line of people, looked at the glass breakers now deemed a national emergency and scanned them himself. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep!

 "I've never seen anything like that in my LIFE," he said.
"I told you we had a situation," said Smug Boy.
"What? What??" I asked.
"They've been recalled by the federal government. You can't have them. They're on some sort of watch list. I've never seen anything like this in fifteen years in this store."

Only me.
I picked up the packaged threats to society and examined them myself. "Ohhh....see.....there's an 'as is' disclaimer on the back. I didn't see it at first. That is very strange indeed. Who in their right mind would buy a defective emergency glass breaker?" I asked him. "It won't do much good to sue you if I drown."

Doe girl had a point. I looked at the lady behind me who was tired of the drama let me tell ya and said, "I think I'll take my situation elsewhere."
Why didn't I just buy a fruit tree and call it a day?


Lee I said...

Well, fine. I can understand not letting you take a glass-breaker on an airplane. Who knows what kind of mischief you could cause. But does this mean I must purchase Melanis (as a Birkenstock old lady, I don't know Melanis) to break out of my submerged car? Is the center punch I currently carry for this eventuality also banned? Sheesh!

Red Shoes said...

You needed a drink!!


Sherry Blue Sky said...

You are so hilarious. And the govt can be so paranoid!!!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - Seriously!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Shoes - It was a strange shopping day for sure.

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. Red...I don't think intoxication would have helped my case.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sherry - I am glad I tickled your funny bone. Such nonsense!

bobbybegood1 said...

Buying a fruit tree would have been simpler, but not funnier. Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

I actually had one of them for my car, maybe I still do...I can't remember. Not sure if I trust it now though...

Mark In Mayenne said...

I really should get one for my car. But I'm kinda glad I don't go shopping with you!

Travis Cody said...

But my feet are too big for stiletto heels. What am I gonna do if I accidentally drive off the bridge?

I guess I can borrow some of Pam's shoes.

Hmmmm...shoessess...stiletto heelsses...


Oh...a hammer. Yeah. I'll put a hammer in the car. Shoesses would be much too dangerous.

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