Friday, January 2, 2009

Please Hurry Before Your Flowers Start To Wilt

(a bouquet from Bloggingham's azalea bush last spring)

Every week I scour the internet to find the zaniest, most impossibly ridiculous dating profile headlines and snippets I can find. I've been posting them on Dating Profile Of The Day since May 2006. The site started when I wrote a letter to my girlfriends one Christmas Eve after I discovered 24 replies to my online dating profile in one day. It was a bizarre and fluky computer-glitched present from Santa, let me tell ya. They were all so wrong for me that it was hysterically funny to those who know me best. The letter turned into a post and the blog was born. Sometimes I stumble across a diamond, but most are wannabe oysters......if you catch my drift. The comments I get can be funnier than the profiles themselves and at least one other site has spoofed my spoof. Here are a few of my favorites and my replies to them from last week's catch.

Bachelor #385 ~ I'm Dyslexic So I Do not Enjoy Penpals





.kcul hguoT. .I od rehtieN.

Your mom wrote your profile, didn't she.....





Bachelor #387 ~ If The Shoe Fits...








"i like to look into your eyes as we talk see your sole in there."

Sigh.


Bachelor #370 ~ Please Don't Pass The Charmin
Headline: "I Can At Times Be Quite Amusing"

Age
: 51

His Ideal Match
: 20 to 60

Interests: Neuro Biology
Smokes Occasionally (I'm willing to bet on that.)
His picture: He is sitting in a pair of not-so-carefully-hidden black boxers and a blue T-shirt and stuffing his mouth with Charmin toilet paper....frame after frame after frame.

Trust me, it was not amusing. Disturbing, yes. But not amusing.

Bachelor #388 And Now For Today's Forecast...

"I'm grateful for ever sunrise I see. Something about "first light".
Anything past that point is gravy."
I don't know why this cracked me up. It just did.
Today's Forecast calls for overcast clouds, a peek of sunshine, twinkling lighted rain and a sprinkle of gravy....


Bachelor #371 ~ Please Hurry Before Your Flowers Start To Wilt




I actually loved this profile heading - it's sweet! - and would have come out from behind this tree for him except for one thing.
The rest of it was totally unreadable.

I hate it when that happens.


Bachelor #380
If you don't care for me you have to admit that is a great looking fish.
Yes. He was holding a huge fish, and with ugly scaly slimy whopper in hand, he went on to say........"Hi, I'm the outdoors type refined. I wish for the lady that responds to be treated as such."


I swear to you on my pitiful little life and all that is holy that I am joining a convent as soon as I can relocate to the Sahara Desert.
They don't have fish there, do they?

Copyright © 2008 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

34 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Those are scary! :0

♥georgie♥ said...

Oh My-makes me so glad i am not single

Linda said...

And you wonder WHY it is that I'm still single? The Dating Pool has become very, very shallow!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

You should also mention that your DAting Profiles site was nominated for "blog of the year". The comedy is inspiring although the profiles are not!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

You know, in my younger years I think I dated almost everyone of these losers, I mean guys. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day and weekend Mimi. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Star8278 said...

Been there, done that. The hardest thing about online dating was creating your own profile heading so as to avoid ending up on a great site like yours. lol.

These were very amusing, I am going to have to find more time to check out that site.

Happy new year, belated!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

That's quite a public service you are performing, Mimi. Those profiles confirm my suspicion that dating/mating is a non compos mentis activity.

Margo Moon said...

I rest my case...again.

Charles Gramlich said...

The only question is, which one of these great catches are you going to go for.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Uh huh....

Georgie - Count your lucky stars.

Linda - Oh no. I do not wonder why you are single at all. I wonder why anybody ever gets together.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Thanks for mentioning that.

Sandee - How did you find Mr. Wonderful? Inquiring minds want to know.

Star - I'm not trying to be unkind. It is what it is.

Nick - I try to do my best to save the world.

Margo - And I again....

Charles - I think I'm in love with the fish man.

bundleocontradictions said...

Ohboy. I can only imagine that there must be many more single men than women out there. I bet women actually proofread & put thought into their profiles. Men are just...weird. lol

Starrlight said...

And this is why I am on a man/relationship cleanse. It is also why I give daily thanks to the inventor of the double AA battery =)

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - Women's profiles are just as weird. Truly. They are.

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - Where can I buy the man/relationship cleanse?

Starrlight said...

Any adult store ;) I prefer my look Castle Mega store, which is pretty much the WalMart of smut!

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - Now I am laughing. The Queen did not fall off the pumpkin truck yesterday ya know....giggling.
I was actually envisioning some kind of drink that washes away previous relationship crap and cleanses (like a colon cleanse ha!)...such are the workings of my pencil brain.

But hey, we could make a million!
Or we could just buy batteries.

Mojo said...

I love your DPOTD blog. I've gotten more laughs out of it than you could have ever dreamed of. On one hand these guys make me feel downright smart. On the other, they really do make it difficult on those of us who put a little bit of thought into what we write.

And thank you for pointing out that men aren't alone in this. I've read (literally) thousands of womens' profiles over the last 8-9 years, and by my best guess about 97.3% are just as scary as the ones you post here. For different reasons, but just as scary. Somewhere I have a post of my own on the subject... I should see if I can find it.

Did I ever tell you about the one who tried to convert me to Buddhism on the first date?

No, I'm not kidding.

Lois Grebowski said...

A long , long time ago (pre-Hank) some friends and I invented a totally dysfunctional female... posted her profile and waited to see who would respond.

The female was 25, had five kids (different fathers), lived in less than stellar conditions, etc. We gave her a total redneck name. (Oh how I wish I could remember the name!).

I remember reading one FOUR PAGE poetic response from an English professor in Georgia. He wrote her poetry and everything! OMG...

Sometimes it's just pitiful what hese guys do!

Thank God not all are like that.

Patti said...

Oh Mimi, I am happy that I have Prince Ralph.
We met through a dating service, you know. I'm sure I told you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - Glad to be of comedic service to you on a daily basis. I'm soooo glad you are still reading.
Yes, you did tell me about the "conversion" date. It was quite amusing. And I think it's time you resurrected that dating post.

Happy New Year!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - Oh Lois. That does not surprise me. So many desperately lonely men care not that air lurks between the ears of a pretty girl. The poetry was a bit much, but still.....not surprising at all.

You say they are not all like that. How do you know??!! (I'm beginning to doubt, my friend. Seriously doubt.)

No offense to my stellar and intelligent male readers.

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - Ralph IS a Prince and you are very lucky indeed. You two are the cutest couple.

Roger said...

Hey whats wrong with fishing lol!

All the best to you in "09!!!

Mimi Lend me your ear I have a award for you (Click Here) :D

Mimi Lenox said...

Roger - There are fishermen and then there are fishermen....

And thank you! I'll check it out.

Finding Pam said...

Too funny Mimi! I am glad that you have such a good sense of humor. How many do you think tell the truth?

Maybe, you should look for the polar opposite! LOL

Have a great year and don't give up. There is some wonderful man out there for you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - If you're asking me how many of these are telling the truth - all of them. You can't make this up.
It is who they are.

I do have a sense of humor about it, thank goodness!! If I didn't have, it would be thoroughly depressing.

Don said...

I still say you shouldn't run off to that convent in the Sahara until I get a chance to meet you! ;-)

It does seem that some of the people (male and female) who use these dating sites are not exactly the kind of people you'd want to take home to meet your mother...present company excluded, of course!

Well, actually, in some cases I think it's just a complete and total inability to write effectively. When the hell did the ability to string together a few words into intelligent sentences become such a rare and virtually-lost skill? Oh, yeah - right around the time Reagan came into office and started taxing scholarship money, among other things... ;-)

Hahn at Home said...

Um, Mimi? They don't have convents in the Sahara. Harems. That's what they have. At least you get a night off.

Maybe something a little more realistic in the goal department? How about going to work as a barback in a gay men's bar? You'd be safe from bad writing and everyone would be so stylish.

Mimi Lenox said...

Don - I could make a fortune just proofreading profiles. Eureka!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lori - A harem sounds like so much more fun than a convent. Should I bring my I Dream of Jeannie costume?

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. Lori - The gay bar might be safe. Yep. Definitely safe.
And I could get fashion tips too....

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I love the Dating Profile. One just can't imagine who writes them.

Julie said...

Oh my! Is it Jesus? Where are the 5,000?

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