Thursday, October 23, 2008

Ten Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Bed Today

It's confession time. I sat down to write a blog post. I fell asleep at the computer. Three hours later I awoke with a crick in my neck still staring at a blank screen. Voila! A post appeared before my eyes. Archives are wonderful things....Enjoy! And for you new folks, don't miss it. But maybe you'd better eat breakfast before you read it.....just sayin...
Ten Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Bed Today
(a true story) - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more I got up late and arrived early to work. If I'd gotten up earlier I would have arrived later and missed what happened next.

Reached down to turn on the computer. A mouse. - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

Right there at my foot of my left shoe. First thing in the morning.
Not the mouse. Me.

I called the police.
He lives in the next room.
When he heard me scream he naturally came to my rescue with guns
blazin' and mace poised. Actually, he is used to my screaming and
sauntered in with a biscuit and a cup of coffee to see what disaster had fallen
me this time.
There was no need to mace the mouse.
It was dead.

Let us remember: I am phobic. Dead or alive. Matters not. It's a mouse.
More screaming from Yours Truly.
Entombed like a mummy beside my hard drive.
More icking and yukking and yes, an unlady-like utterance under the sacred Pledge of Allegiance poster and in the presence of the sausage eating badge-wearer. And all before 9:00 am.
10:00 Call to OSHA
Unsanitary conditions doth not a happy workplace make.
And besides, insanity is contagious. Think of the lawsuits.
"I'd like to report a deceased rodent on the floor," I sobbed. "And get someone here fast. I really need to come back into this room to do my job. Officer Crumbcake is not equipped to teach opera today. He can't even tell a real scream from a high C!"
"Where is the mouse now, ma'am?"
"In mouse hell," I said, "and that's where you're going Mister if you don't get somebody here to take care of this."
"If the mouse is dead then why are you screaming?"
"That's a C sharp!" - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more
11:00 am
A twenty minute emergency phone call to my therapist to discuss why and how I keep attracting rats in my life. What unconscious mantra am I muttering? She suggested I attempt to resolve the deep-seated resentment I harbor for my many traumatic childhood experiences. "You never met Mickey. Your parents never took you to Disneyworld. You have issues, dear. Get over it or expect this same lesson to appear over and over again in your life. That'll be $90.00. Time's up."
11:20 Redial. 1-800-Cheap-Doc
"No one takes me seriously."
"Why do you say that, Mimi? Can you describe what you're feeling right now?
Let me set my stopwatch."
"I hate walkie-talkies, Doctor."

"The mouse had a walkie-talkie? How unfortunate for you and your deep-seated issues stemming from the fact that your parents could never afford a telephone and made you walk around with your private conversations blaring on the walkie all day long. We've discussed this dear, remember? This lesson will continue to appear in your life until you rid yourself of this traumatic memory and buy a decent cellphone. Perhaps a Cricket. You could cure two phobias with one stone."
"That's not what I mean you idiot. It's a conspiracy."
Why do you SAY that Mimi? What are you talking about?
I heard the officer say to my boss "There's a terrorist in Miss Lenox's office."
Oh. I see.
"And what was the response? What did you hear dear, through the walkie-talkie? Think, Mimi, think. What did you hheaaarrrr through the walkie?Was it your mother's voice or your father's? This could be a breakthrough, Mimi.
Think! Think!"
"Just laughter. Lots of laughter."
"You forgot your medication today, didn't you dear?
"OSHA refused to refill my prescription and suggested I use the standard issued red emergency zippered bag with proper glove-handling procedures, clorox bleaching scrub for the hard drive and fill out a 20-page questionnaire signed in triplicate and notorized by noon or no-can-do. I need my happy pills before then."
"They're not real doctors, Mimi."
"Well, neither are you!"
"That'll be $180.00. Time's up." - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more
12:00 Lunchtime. Cafeteria.
I can't eat because the spaghetti reminds me of mouse tails.. - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more
1:30 pm
Lecture hall now sanitized with rat-proof ammonia. Since I am the guest lecturer today it's the least they could do. I carry on....I've dimmed the lights. Set the scene. Cued the music. Placed my notes on the podium. Time to give a lecture on Tejano music and conjuntos culture. I am standing in a very long and boring pencil skirt -brown in fact - pointy shoes, form-fitting math teacher-like tailored blouse, long dangly earrings and a funky belt just for the heck of it. I am finally over the morning's shocking developments. The lesson is going well. Hands are raised. Questions are flowing. Chalkdust is flying. Cultural ideas and exchanges the likes of which the United Nations has not seen! Until...
I had to ask a geography question.
Suddenly, I felt like a game show host on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" Blank stares. Silence.
Pencil skirt to the rescue. I walked to the back of the room. Retrieved the gigantic rolled-up map of the world from the far corner behind the booby-trapped file cabinet. Lost in my "teachable moment" euphoria I swept the map from the corner with a flourish and a dangle, walked back down the steps to the front and rolled out the map on the floor. Hands-on. Tactile. Why isn't my boss here to see this stunning display of academia?
I pointed to the map. Uno. Dos. Tres.
Texas. Mexico. Mouse.
Stuck to my skirt.
In that order. On a sticky-trap mousetrap that the entire class had seen with every lovely step I made back down the steps.
"Where is Mexico in relation to Texas? North or South?"
Everybody knows that. Right? Wrong.
Everybody knows that Miss Lenox's worst nightmare has come upon her.
In public. Kill me. Just kill me now. - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more
Screaming. More screaming.
He's eating spaghetti this time. With garlic bread and carrot sticks. How in the conjuntos is he going to save me from impending stroke with his hands full of Italian crumbs? I'm standing there in front of a room full of people with a worldmap stuck to my skirt, Mickey Mouse's plane has landed in Dallas and he has the nerve to answer my C# with noodles?
"What is it this time, Miss Lenox? Seen anymore mmm.....?"
Have you ever seen anyone spew spaghetti? It's not a pretty sight.
Senorita was not amused. - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more
Ping! Loudspeaker. Intercom comes in.
Phone call for Miss Lenox. It's your therapist.
"Well put him on speakerphone. I'm a little busy. Can't you see that?"
"I can't see anything. This is the loudspeaker, Miss Lenox. You know. The I.N.T.E.R.C.O.M system? Think of it as a very large walkie-talkie."

At this point I've decided that if somebody doesn't get this rat off my pencil skirt I'm going to die a slow and painful bilingual infarction right then and there.
Just then Johnny-On-The-Spot jumps from his seat and attempts to pull the sticky mess off. It was a tug-0-war. I can't look. I am swaying in the wind. Holding onto the podium and hyperventilating. It is stuck to the cotton. Will not let go. The harder he pulls the likelier it is that somebody in that room is gonna get more than they bargained for.......I can't remember a more appropriate time to recite The Lord's Prayer.
Officer CC has finished his jello pudding by now and decided to help. There is salad on the floor, long mouse-tailed angelhair pasta, and a very large picture of a big black rat - minus the brown skirt - sitting seductively on the white-paneled sticky trap. In graphically perfect glorious detail.
"It's just a picture, Maestra. It's not even real. The real one died this morning, remember? SEE?!"
He held up the nasty thing in front of my red face, "You were scared for nothing."
"It looked real to me, Junior. Hush!"
More from the eavesdropping intercom lady: "We heard you scream, Miss Lenox. What's going on in there? Can you hear us? Are you breathing?"
Do we need to call 911 again? Are you OK in there?"
"Sure we are. Just discussing how rodent-infested wildlife affects Tejano compositions in Texas etc etc and we got a little carried away.
You can say that again.
I'm oversleeping in the morning.

Add to Technorati FavoritesWhat posted on Mimi Writes one year ago today? Dona Nobis Pacem On My Mind


Crushed said...

Monor piece of trvia- Rodents are the cloests relatives of primates after colugos and tree shrews.

Closer relatives to us than dogs.

I've never actually seen a rat in real life. Seriouisly. I think I might have sen a real live mouse, but I'm not sure.

Lee said...

I can almost see you at the podium, music in the background, swaying in a potential faint, waiting to be rescued. If only Prince Charming hadn't been busy that day teaching me to be a gentleman. Maybe you should put Prince Valiant on retainer?

Mimi Lenox said...

Crushed - Would you like a few? I'll be glad to send them to you.

Star8278 said...

I work for OSHA, so I throroughly enjoyed this post. We actually do get a few calls throughout the year about rodents, snake and insects. Wish there was more we could do to help, but the gov't hasn't seen fit to write a standard to protect us from the above mentioned. I guess protecting workers from open trenches, faulty cranes and crushing machine presses is a little more important. So sorry, because I can agree with you, your rats is my spiders, and I wish to God there was a protection for that.

Mimi Lenox said...

If only Prince Charming hadn't been busy that day teaching me to be a gentleman.

Priceless, Lee.

Mimi Lenox said...

Star - Phobias are real! It's funny...I can pick up snakes and spiders do not scare me, but let a little mouse run across the floor and I'm a mess.

Up on chairs. Screaming.

It's so unbecoming of a Queen.

Shannon H. said...

I think I would have went home for the day! A mouse in my office would cause mass panic!

Linda said...

Must be confession time - I had a confession of a different sort on my blog today.

Speaking of confessions, I should apologize for not visiting here more often but for some reason when your blog loads, it locks up my whole computer for a bit. I've had people tell me the same thing with my blog so I've been trying to delete things to see if it helps a bit hence the whittling down of my sidebar 'stuff'!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Oh honey, you crack me up. Afraid of a dead mouse. Just saying. You are priceless. You are my queen. Have a great day and weekend. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Broadway Matron said...

If I wasn't sick I would have been laughing so hard and so loud - High C loud -

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Very funny!

Julia Smith said...

Is it wrong that I laughed out loud at this post? SO funny, Mimi - though I am sad that you went through such a trauma in order to get such a hilarious post.

I'm posting my Peace Meme tag very late tonight. Can't wait for the Blogblast.

Charles Gramlich said...

A bad day to be rodentophobic.

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - I should have gone home and called it a day. A nightmare!!!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - Howdy! I will try to remove a few more things. Thanks for telling me...I miss you!

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - It is my duty to crack you up at least once in a while. Hugs back!

Mimi Lenox said...

Broadway - Sorry you're sick. Hope I cheered you up.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Thanks!

Julia - No, it is not wrong. I am glad you laughed! Even when I go through something stressful, it helps to write about it humorously. You know I had to "pencil skirt" this.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Extremely bad timing.

meleah rebeccah said...

Yes. you should have stayed in bed that day. I too cannot handle any sort of mouse, spider, creepy crawly, vermon infested whatsoever anywhere in my house, my office, my car, ect.

*I screamed for you while reading this!*

Bond said...

Wait...what is that by your left foot????

Oh never mind it is a dust bunny not a mouse!


Ferd said...

Whoa! I'm scared and worried.
That was WAY neurotic, in a cute and funny way, though. Gotta accept it as part of your charm! : )

Akelamalu said...

I remember reading this the first time but it still made me laugh.

When I was working in the office of a pet food suppliers I went into work one morning, sat at my desk, opened my desk drawer and found a mouse sitting there looking at itself in a mirror I'd left there! I screamed too Mimi!

Julia Smith said...

LOL, Akelamalu!

Mimi - I've posted my Peace Meme, and will visit those I've tagged on Sunday if they don't discover themselves on my post, first. I'll be at a writing conference all day tomorrow.

Madeleine said...

Ha ha! I have a mouse/mice story, to long for a post. Let's just say, a pregnant mouse found the bottom of my fridge nice and comfy one winter and such a nice place to give birth....please do not screammm!!!! :} this was a long time ago even so it is still stuck in my mind...
As far as rats.......I've attracted them all my life....I mean the 170 pound kind...:P

Have a great week-end

bluedreamer27 said...

wow you were so creative amazing!!
have a great day mimi by the way do i still need to send you an email eventhough i al;ready inform here that im done with the global peace meme?

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