"Miss Pencil Skirt......."
"Yes, Doctor Death?"
"I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want first?"
(checking imaginary frosted mug....) "The glass is half full today. Give me the bad. I can take it."
"You, Miss Lenox, are spineless."
(emptying imaginary frosted mug...)
"You have no backbone whatsoever and furthermore......how shall I say this delicately.....?"
(filling imaginary frosted mug with liqueur)
"......your coccyx is inflamed and bruised."
My WHAT??! My what is what??
"I didn't know I had one. Is that anywhere near my tailbone?
"It's the same thing, Mimi."
"Oh. I knew that."
"Mimi, do you sit on it for long periods of time?"
"Do I sit on what?"
"Do you sit on your coccyx?"
Is this one of those trick questions? Just give me A,B,C,or D to choose from please....
"Hmmmm.....Sometimes. Yes. I must admit, I do. But I can't help myself! It was a gift from my great-great-great grandmother Anastasia The Egyptian Mummy Queen and I just love the fluffy pillows and curve of the wood and it looks so nice in my living room....
You do remain in a prolonged position putting unnecessary stress and strain on your south spine. Don't you, Mimi??! Don't you? Admit it. You do sit on your coccyx!! "
"If I knew where it was I could better answer that question, Dr. D. Am I supposed to sit on it?"
"Well why didn't you say so in the first place? Where else am I supposed to sit, doctor? Do you wish me to stand on my crown?"
(doctor making notes......severe agitation and extreme paranoia - hypochondria-approaching hives -mine- I- will- need-a-prescription....) "Look. I've tried the dreaded donut pillow. It does not help. Now instead of being numb on the bottom padded part I'm numb on the sides. That's no good. And if I don't get off that stupid inflation my derriere is going to grow lopsided and won't properly fit into my size 6 pencil skirt! They don't make lopsided skirts ya know..... Doc? Doc? What are you writing??
Great. Another prescription. Chemical euphoria. I'm already having hallucinations. Last night I dreamed I wrote a blog post about my tailbone.
"What am I supposed to tell my readers? They will not understand this ailment."
"Just tell 'em the truth, Your Majesty."
"You read my blog??! "
"How else do you think I could diagnose this neurosis? And anyway......when you paid your bill last month you signed the check Mimi Pencil Skirt. I was intrigued. What can I say?"
"What you can say is that you can fix my.....my.....end parts. How undignified! You want me to tell them about my......shhhhh......the south side of my skirt?
I can't do that. I'm a Queen!!"
It was time for drastic measures. Doctor D. had had it with me. He reached into the closet and pulled out the.....
"Put the Barbie and Ken dolls away, doctor. I really do understand. Just show me the xray. I can take it.
"Just do this, Miss Lenox, and you'll be fine. Here's the prescription....
"But my readers won't. All two of them. They already think I'm a pain in the patootie. And come to find out, I AM."
"You can say that again," mumbled the good doctor.
Bluntly, Miss Skirt, you've blogged your proverbial butt off.
Unless you want to end up looking like this.................you will do as I decree.
"And I got a bill for this?"
He was not amused.
"As I was saying, Missy, you are spineless. If you don't get some gumption soon and stop this incessant blog writing you're gonna be in hot water - and I don't mean a blubble bath either, young lady.. I'd like to see you again in 3 weeks...."
Mimi is thinking Saturday night instead but the good Doctor is paying her no mind. Who wants a lopsided Queen anyway?.....
.....in 3 weeks for more xrays and if said bruised backside is no better then we'll have to .....
(thinking....massage??? yes??) ...PRESCRIBE THIS.
"Do you take cash?"