Sunday, May 6, 2007

On a Crime Spree: The Queen Has Cracked

Yeah, I know. This is supposed to be Sunday Blog Chatter. But it ain't, OK? The cat's out of the bag. I've got bigger troubles. Bigger fish to fry, more fish in the sea, better bras to buy, more flies to swat. Whatever. And it ain't pretty, let me tell ya. Pookie made me do it. (And I ain't talkin' bout boyfriend).  She set up this caper, see, and spooked a meme. I'd never heard of such nonsense. As luck would have it, another blogger took her spook who in turn corrupted another blogger into doing the same who unknowingly talked me into committing a felonious act of meme larceny in the third degree (see your Blogger Code of Ethics manual page 4). I should have known better. But how did I know it would lead to my crownfall?

It ain't so bad in here.
I don't have to use proper English. No one cares if I spit.
And most of these people in here are innocent. They told me so.
So, I might as well pass the time answering these questions.

If you don't hear anything from me you'll know that prisoner 060607 discovered the laptop under my pencil skirt. I have no idea why she keeps looking at me. She probably recognizes me from the Internet. That's it. Maybe she wants an autograph.
Well tough cookies, toots. They took my pencil at the door.

And they wouldn't even let me check my coat. What kind of place is this?

And will somebody call the guy and tell him I'm going to be late for our vacation? It's possible I could miss the plane. How did I know you only get one phone call? I used to it to cancel my manicure. And now I'm up Queen Creek without a paddle.
Or a pedicure.

But I've got a bet going with inmate 060607 that I'll spring outta here by sunset. And when I do.......I'm coming after the back-stabbing blogger who turned me in for a dollar.

And then I'm going to hell.

Here's bad Pookie's meme. I snookered up to lovely number 060607 and borrowed a pencil.

A queens gotta do what a queens gotta do. 

1. When you're home alone, do you still close the door when you use the restroom?

What are you talking about? I don't see any doors to the restroom here!

2. If you have to go grocery shopping, would you rather go alone or with someone?

I don't think it matters now. I'm on a restricted diet of bread and water. And besides, it's not safe to go to the latrine alone. (That's military/code speak for all you non-criminal bloggers)
But they will let me call room service I'm sure.
Won't they?

3. It's your best friend's birthday, do you buy them a gift even though they didn't buy one for yours?
My new best friend now has a tattoo. I'm not sure what goes with that

4. You win the lottery. Lump sum or small payments over a period of time?
A lump sum. I could bribe the judge and get reconstructive surgery for prisoner 060607. She said she tripped and fell into her face. That must be why there are no mirrors here. They don't want to hurt her feelings.

5. Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?

I like my music very loud here. Drowns out the dripping faucet.
6. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?

I used to be a coastal creature before my incarceration.

7. When do you brush your teeth?
That's a good question. "Hey guard!""Hey guardess! When can I brush my teeth?"
8. Can you watch scary movies alone?

Every time I look at prisoner 060607 it's a scary movie.
9. Soft bed or firm?

I'm so glad you asked. "Excuse me, Miss Guard! Guardette? Can I have an extra pillow?" ...."OK! Sorry I asked!" She is not amused. I'll get back to you on that. 

10. Would you rather stay home all day or be out and about?
Funny. Real funny, wiseguy.

 11. What's one of your worst memories? Having to flirt with 060607 just to get a pencil. I hate to think what I'd had to do to get an eraser.

 12. Do you like the keep the peace or be confrontational? 
Ever heard of Peace Globes?

13. Are you more likely to be with a large group of people or a few close friends?
I used to like a large group of people but now it looks like I'm doomed to a few close fiends.

 14. What are your plans for October?
I'm up for parole. 

15. If money were not a problem, where would you like to live?
Cell 060607 looks very nice. They even have window dressing. A subtle shade of mauve with just a dash of polka dot print and a .....and a......wait! That's my pencil skirt!'

16. What is your ideal profession?

The girls in cell block C keep talking about some nifty business they're in. I'll see if I can break into their clique.

 17. Are you close to your Mom and Dad?

Not anymore.  

18. What is one fear that you can't seem to overcome?
Having to share a bunk with you-know-who. 

19. Are you good at math?
  Now that's a fine question to ask at a time like this. If I'd been good at math I would have calculated the risk involved in this heinous crime and nipped it in the bud.

Editor's Note: There is no question #20. It's sort of like a Get Out of Jail Free Card. tell me. 

21. Is there anyone that you regret ever meeting?  Pookie808. I should have known she was a criminal with a name like that. 

22. Rate your life on a scale of 1 to 10. My life's not worth a plug nickel in this joint. We are talking money, right? 

23. Would you rather have roommates or live alone?  
I tried living alone. For thirty-six hours. Solitary confinement ain't all it's cracked up to be. 

24. Do you like any of your friends a little more than just a friend?
It's hard to show favoritism here. Lots of jealousy. I'm trying to set them up with therapy but they're more interested in cigarettes. I'm such an outcast.  

25. Do you like to drive?
They let me drive the laundry cart last week but I ran over Guard Goddess' pinkie finger. She bent over to pick up my barrette and got caught under the wheel. That's how I ended up in the "time out" room. Again.

27. If you found out that you were going to be a parent, what would you do? 

It would have to be an Immaculate Correction.

28. Do you give money to homeless people when they ask?
They have my pencil skirt. What else do they want from me?

29. A weekend in Las Vegas or Miami?  
I'd settle for a bath.

30. When you go to the store, do you have a list or just buy random things?
I can't buy anything "randomly" here. They only have one color of nail polish. I maxed our my rations card yesterday buying Alka-Seltzer.

31. What do you wear to sleep in?
The only thing good about wearing flannel stripes is that they tend to slenderize. They also scare the rats away. I'll bet you never knew that, did ya?

 32. You have three months left to live, what do you do?
I apply for clemency for me, hire an attorney to frame 060607 with another false crime so she can't get out and charge $100,000 on my Visa card.

Then I'd get a manicure just for spite.

33. You're have a bad day. What one thing can make your day better? 
Being told I had three months to live.

34. Tanning bed?
No amenities. not even an ice machine.  We do get magazines every third Friday. Martha Stewart Home is a favorite. I'm currently reading, "How To Protect Yourself From Lice."

35. Is there anything you would change about your body if you could?

 I'd like to be thin enough to flush myself down the toilet, swim through the sewer and break out of this joint. They do it on Prison Break. Why can't I?
Maybe I'll just ask Boyfriend to stuff a nail file in the lobster. He visits every Sunday. He can't come on Saturdays because he's with Lola. I never worry about their relationship. He says she's an idiot and he really likes smart girls. Let's hope he doesn't figure out how bright I am to land in here or it's bye-bye Mimi, hello Lola. 
I asked him once about it. He just said "Mims. We're just bloggin," (That's blogspeak for writing a sophisticated story online for you non-bloggers with your minds in the gutter.) They do seem to blog alot. 

36. You wake up in an unfamiliar place, what is your first reaction?
Who stole my flannels??! I'm cold.

37. I there anything that you should be doing right now?
  Making a will comes to mind.

38. If there was a way to know when and how you're going to die, would you want that information? No. I've learned not to read the scribblings on the bathroom wall. I'd rather be surprised.

39. What is your favorite breakfast food? Bread laced with bread.

40. Your phone rings at 4am. Who do you expect it to be? 
Paris Hilton. She's been assigned a suite with me at the Holiday Hellhole. I expect her any day...But I don't think they're gonna let her drive the laundry cart. Darn! There goes my escape plan.

Well, folks. That's all for this meme.
I'll tag people when I get out - just as soon as I find the snitch.

I have a toe tag for them. Bwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhaaaaaaaaa

Join us Nov 4 and Blog4Peace


Peter Haslam said...

Great stuff.

Angell said...

Mimi - wonderful as always. I'm sitting here laughing my ass off and my boss is looking at me suspiciously, because there is no way our accounting can be this funny.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bob - Thank you. See Tuesday's blog for a description of a pencil skirt. There are short ones, long ones, middle length, but they are all form-fitting - like a pencil shape.
I like the term as my character because I'm always trying to pull an interview caper of some sort - taking notes, being Lois Lane brainy and ditsy at the same time - hence, "Mimi Pencil-Skirt."

Mimi Lenox said...

Thanks, Peter! Glad you enjoyed.

Mimi Lenox said...

Angell dear,

Please don't get fired because of my pencil skirt. I'd hate that on my conscience.

By the way, your peace globe arrived but it is just not visible. I'll send back to you what I'm seeing on this end. I think you're going to have to re-do it. Is it on your site yet? Maybe I'll try copying it from there first.

Have a great day!

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