Monday Mimisms ~ Meltdown at the Meetup

 I had a meltdownAt a Meetup

It was not a good look.And yet I managed it gracefully with no mascara running or awkward blushing moments. Apart from a few non-starter dates in the past few months (several fun  virtual dates, phone calls, first dates, and second dates that went NOWHERE except me getting the heck out of Dodge, so to speak....although he was driving a pickup truck (not a Dodge, and no, I was not in it) ... but I digress. 

Apart from that first flurry of frustrating activity, I haven't wanted to go out much. Part of it is that I have family living with me temporarily (because the housing market is INSANE)...which makes a social life very awkward; but mostly, and truthfully.....I was trying to force myself back into dating too soon. It was a valiant effort. But I realized I just wasn't ready.  
 That's not fair to anyone new. What kind of vibe was I giving?  When you're still carrying dust from the last situationship, it shows.... no matter how you try to hide it. Self-sabotage, albeit unintentional. "Can I take you to dinner? I would love to take you to dinner," he sincerely and sweetly asked.  I was not paying attention. Not fully. While I nodded politely, thinking I was absorbing his energy, I was really just projecting my own emotional unreadiness.  On another date, pickup-truck guy said some pretty wild things that irritated me. But much later. Again. NOT paying attention until I got home and said  OH My GOD, did he just really say that??!! Maybe he's a serial killer. Quick text. No thank you. We're not a match...so to speak. Good luck. Bye. 

 See how I ramble when I'm melting?And so was my ice cream.
Back to the meetup. At the park.Listen, my Bloggy People, it is way past time to meet new people. Real people. Flesh and bone people. Not just a photo-shopped picture on a computer screen that is twenty years older than the actual gray hairs on the actual real person I'm looking at. And that's OK! I'm not dating younger men (well, not much younger I really need to hush before I get in trouble   All God's children in this decade of life are gonna have scars and wrinkles.  It was a lovely venue. The river. Nature. Picnic tables. . An outdoor ice cream event with music and mingling.  It was so.much.fun! Until I realized I was having fun. Does that make sense? 
And that's exactly when the meltdown at the meetup happened.One minute I was pretending to slowly spoon frozen yogurt ('cause you all know I can't really eat ice cream) hoping someone would notice my manicureand the next I looked around and well......froze. 
 What is wrong with me??!! I'm going about this allll wrong. I don't think I want to date! At all.But I do need a new male friend. And he needs to be smart. And funny. And sexy. And into me. And all about having fun. A really good kisser.  Reading and talking politics with me on the couch. KIND. Did I mention kind? He needs to read Thoreau and understand Mahler. I want him to kiss me in the middle of a sentence. It's the only way to make me stop talking. Can he spontaneously dance with me in a completely inappropriate place? That would be mandatory.  Irreverent. But steady and deep. And NOT looking for anything that defines a relationship. In fact, I will make a decree and ban the word relationship. 
 Rewind back to Inauguration Day 2009. 

2009 Mimi

I was outside in my white hat and gloves when a little birdie told me (really) that I should wait for a man like this -
It came from a male bird. I thought it was perfect advice. He whispered in my ear...
"Find someone who calls you beautiful instead of hot.Who calls you back when you hang up on themWho will stay awake just to watch you sleepWait for someone who kisses your forehead
Who wants to show you off to the world even when you may not look your best.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ...that's her."

I haven't been sitting on my hands "waiting" for the last thirteen years - there have been men and relationships. And I am thankful for all they brought to my life. What the birdie told me in 2009 might be too romantic. It might even belong on a Hallmark card. But it's still true. And it's still how I want to feel. It has nothing to do with being IN a relationship.It just feels good. And I think that's enough.
Fast-forward to a meetup at a river. It was hot. It was beautiful. It was...it was...just the kind of thing that happens when you least expect it to happen.There I stood in all all my frozenness, staring at a very familiar gentleman, the one who'd asked me to dinner - talking to another woman. About that time a red cardinal flew straight towards me and sat on the fence right in front of me, whispering sweet-nothings in my ear that fell like gold into the heart of me and my dripping cup of yogurt.   Pay attention, Mimi!  Pay attention! 
I wonder if he likes Mahler.



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