Monday, June 10, 2013

Monday Mimisms ~ Waiting On Vermin

Once upon a time there was a quiet, peaceable kingdom. The Kingdom of Bloggingham. Known for its blue-lighted backdrops, peace globe parties and soothing piano music. 

In the past seven days it has turned into some strange version of the Animal Kingdom.  Bedlam! Chaos!
"But Mimi....peace be unto the creatures too..." or something like that, said a friend of mine. Bah humbug! (**wait, I didn't mean to say b.u.g. bad luck nix that**) I said that God did not create or ordain rodents. They most certainly stowed away illegally on the Ark. They came from Satan.

One day last weekend I had to turn down the air conditioning in the car because I swear I thought I heard a strange noise to my right - directly to my right by my Queenperson. Strange. Strange. Just a little scratching noise or something. Next day, what is that in the floorboard of my car? It looks dark and small and leftover from the digestive system of some vermin. No, no no...can't is surely part of the dirt that fell out of a plant I had in the floorboard recently. Queen of Denial. That's me. Next day.
Imagine. At the stoplight. Five minutes from work. I lift up my makeup bag to check for a different color in the bottom of the bag 'cause I'm not matching very well  (don't you do that at the stoplight?) and I spot what is CLEARLY a violation of some vermin's digestive system deposited squarely where I heard the scratch scratch sound earlier. You do not want to know what I said.

I am phobic. NOW you can stop laughing.
Even though on some level it IS quite amusing, it really is not that amusing....considering I have had no transportation for over a week and this is costing a lot of money. Couple that with the fact that this is not the first time I've had a mouse or whatEVER it is in my car.  It has happened to me twice. Twice! How many people do you know who have infestations inside their vehicles twice in one lifetime? Both Toyotas, Lots of people have tried to help. Helpful guys I know have taken the seats out of my car, colleagues made sure I got to and from work, the nurse took my blood pressure a lot, others set traps for me (,I am not going back in there)
Oh. Wait.

I was stuck in traffic sandwiched between cars at the longest red light in the history of the Department of Transportation and nowhere to go. Had the blasted thing decided to make an appearance at that moment you would have had yourself an international incident at the stoplight. Trust me. 'Cause somehow somewhere I would have made an exit heretofore unseen or unknown to man or Toyota, possibly installing a sunroof where none had previously been.I toyed with the idea of abandoning ship. But then decided that I would attempt to glue my eyes straight ahead, look neither to the left or right, up or down, sideways or front, round nor round and continue driving at breakneck speed to my parking spot even though the speed limit was 25 miles an hour until touchdown. I unbuckled my seat belt, gripped the steering wheel, held my breath and squinted my eyes barely open enough to even see. It worked in childbirth, it was worth a shot.

I do not know how I didn't kill somebody getting there but that was the longest five minutes of my entire life. And JUST when I was almost home-free and about to turn into the parking lot, the slowest pickup truck I've ever seen came sauntering toward me turning lef in front of me driven by a tobacco-spitting farm boy who couldn't shift the gears down correctly, spittin' and sputtering all over the road trying to turn in front of me IN MY WAY as I sat about to expire from sheer terror in my seat That was the only time I stopped gripping the steering wheel to "gesture" him on his way.
-size: x-small;"> God forgive me.

You do not want to know what I said to him.

When I fell out of the car onto the wet pavement (oh, yes, it was raining) and grabbed my lunch satchel (full of peanut butter and carrots no less), my purse (still OPEN from the makeup session) all manner of music and scores and one little baton went presto flying out the door to the count of three. I was truly thankful I did not know I was transporting furry mammals while in the drive-thru line at McDonald's for coffee that morning. It could have been catastrophic.

Help arrives. A nest is discovered under the spare tire. It is removed and brought to me. Oh wait. Where am I? Sitting down. I am drinking coffee and hyperventilating. Not necessarily in that order. Holes are discovered in the leather underneath the emergency brake. Remember that scratch scratch sound?
Dialing. In a catatonic state.
  This is the exact conversation I had with the insurance claims lady. Verbatim.
"I'd like to file an insurance claim."
"Is everyone OK?"
"Yes. So far."
"Are there any injuries?"
"Not yet."
"Are you sure you're OK?"
"Yes. No. Yes. Well. Not really. Yes."

"Where was the accident?"
"There was no accident, ma'am. I am filing a claim for damage to my vehicle."
"What kind of damage?"

"By an animal or animals, ma'am. There is a mouse in my car."
**Prim and proper insurance Lady yells "ewwwwwwwwwwwwww"  
"My sentiments exactly, ma'am." 
"I have never in my whole career heard of this," she said, a line I would hear many times in the coming week, from body shop owners to pest control specialists, to hardware store workers, from the Toyota warranty hotline person to my steady-eddie service mechanic who's known me and my car since conception, from bosses to colleagues, friends and lovers,  all saying the same thing, I NEVER HEARD...
OK OK Save it. I get it that I'm an anomaly now. Move on.

The nice lady continued, "I'm sorry but I have to go down this list of questions and ask you....
 "Where were you when the event took place?"
"IN the car."
"Where was the car?"
"AT the stoplight."
"Which stoplight? Which road?"
Yada yada.
(they're going to go back and look for them??!)
"How did you discover....? How do you know?"
"How many passengers?" at which point the young lady could contain herself no longer and burst into fits of giggles and apologies.
"The only people in the car were me and the mouse terrorist," I said.
 "Were the police called?"
 "No. But the day is young."
(OK. I'll admit I laughed too.)

 "Is there anything else you'd like to add to this event?"
"Don't you think that is quite enough?"
"Have a nice day, ma'am," she told me and then..."well, TRY to have a nice day."

So there it is.
Oh. Wait.
I'm not finished.

We are looking at two weeks at least with no transportation. It is covered under comprehensive insurance because it is damage to my vehicle, but FIRST we have to catch the darn thing or things. Only then can the repairs and cleansing fumigation begin. Meanwhile they dance around Toyotaville and wreak havoc in my lovely new car. It was heard the body shop where they even refuse to allow it into their shop until the vermins are history. My baby car sits alone in an island parking lot shunned and rejected by the other limping cars in need of repair. She must feel so ashamed. I bought a slew of traps and poison and peanut butter and glue traps and Bibles. You buy Bibles in a disaster, don't you?  For an entire week, NADA. Not a nibble. Just more digestive evidence. And frankly, I'm tired of the unmitigated gall of this species. They've got some nerve. What kind of educated mice are these??!!!  So we wait. At the mercy of vermin.

Oh. Wait.

This afternoon I go to the kitchen window to watch the rain. Cleopatra The Snake has returned. Apparently she's been eating mightily under the porch since I last saw her three weeks ago. I purposely left her there to kill rats!! How could she miss the vermin? I startled her when I ran away to get my camera, either that or she was reaching for her lipstick pouch. When I returned she was slithering up the side of my house. I tried to talk her down but she was not interested in idle chatter. When it stopped raining I went outside and chased her around with the broom for awhile ('cause I'm not afraid of snakes or spiders. Go figure.)>She's still making camp out on the deck as we blogspeak. I can't kill her. I can't shoo her. Maybe my friend was right. It's time to make peace with the animal kingdom.

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Janet White said...

I'm so sorry for laughing hysterically all the way through ... really I am .... almost really.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - You are forgiven. LOL

Ned Hamson said...

Moth balls or flakes - they cannot abide the ammonia and will leave the way they found in - then vacuum up flakes and little "gifts."

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