Cuddling 101

I know this is silliness but it's mine and I own it.

People!
Can we call time-out for cuddling?
I never thought I'd say that.
I can't believe I said that.

If I read one more dating profile that touts the benefits of movie-watching-cuddling-on-the-couch-with-my-special-someone.....I'm going to scream.
Seriously.

I just need to get this off my chest. Do you mind?
If I want a teddy bear I'll go to the zoo.
We all know you don't want to cuddle.
Women know this.
No guy wants to cuddle.

Michael Buble has remade a vintage Paul Anka tune called "Put Your Head on My Shoulder." You've heard it, I'm sure.
Ahhh...
That was cuddling.
No movies.
No popcorn.
No googly-eyed-puppy-dog-looks.(well, maybe one or two)
Remote controls? I think not.
Action thrillers were not on the agenda.
Nothing in these lyrics about bullet ridden soundtracks and steamy love scenes in a dirty jail cell.

We didn't need a couch either.

"Special" was NOT an endearing term nor was cuddling.

Kissing was a backseat sport.
Period.

The only reason girls needed a shoulder was to take a break from making-out. Let's be honest here.
You don't want to cuddle.
You want the make-out that leads to staying in.

Newsflash!
Sometimes, so do we.

Things have not changed. This is not a man-woman-Mars-Venus epiphany or historical proportions. I just want to change the vernacular or at least ignore the garbage verbiage I'm reading.

And why is cuddling always coupled with TV? Doesn't it make you wonder? These questions keep me up at night.

Do you ever hear a guy say, "Babe, let's make a cuddle date on the couch. Just you and me. Let's light some candles and plan a night of serious smooching." ??

Hardly.

Sometimes they just wanna watch the movie.
Guys want movies as background noise to drown out the purring questions our soft conniving little cuddly brains come up with to get his mind off the stupid movie and provide escape opportunities in case we actually voice them. Once he's totally enthralled in the passion of a nice torture scene complete with sound effects (YUK) or a predictable sword fight over a cliff....we just can't help ourselves.



It
brings
out
the
woman
in
us.

"Darn! I missed the part where his head blows off! Honey, do you mind? I'll return that kiss in just a minute....What did you say?!...You want to know what I'm thinking? (never EVER ask a guy what he is thinking because he will tell you) Uh.....I'm thinking if I tell her I want more popcorn she'll get up to fetch some and forget she asked me that question. See?

I know.
That's. So. Retro.

Cuddling sounds soft and teddy-bearish. Sweet and angelic. Clean-shaven. Plotted. Predictable. Junior-highish....

Positively boring.

Here's my definition of cuddling:
Cuddling is something you do accidentally (yeah right) in the middle of the night when your feet are cold.
It is not a scheduled activity.

It is what naturally happens after what naturally happens happens naturally.

I think I just heard a collective groan from every man in the free world.

You know...sometimes I just want a five-o'clock shadow with a rough edge who knows how to make-out. Truly I do. This Friday night I am dancing solo barefoot on the carpet in the castle living room awol from all shadowy scrungy kisser passersby types (oh...but the music is loud and the dancing is fun) and writing relationship trivia.

But Mimi! What's the difference in cuddling and making out?
I'm so glad you asked.

If you have to ask that question then we don't belong on the same sofa.

Dictionary.com calls cuddling "affectionate play" - not affectionate play, rewind, fast forward and pause.
Also "gentle foreplay" - OK. I'll give you that one. Apparently some of you have been reading the dictionary.

I googled "cuddling." (Don't tell anybody k?)

Did you know there are Cuddle Parties?
I kid you not.
Described as " A boundary-appropriate workshop and social event for exploring touch, affection and communication. Pajama-clad people discuss cuddle boundaries and strangers spoon: a safe place to be "energetically open."
Oh please.
It's a safe place to meet weirdos.

But guy might want to check it out. Could save you a lot of frustration and you might actually get to watch the movie for a change when you get home.

Then I found Romanceopedia (!) which has an entire article and links devoted to the cuddling-on-the-couch-watching-a-movie question.
Who knew?!
And who cares.
Google also led me to the "s-e-x dictionary" which gives the worst definition of cuddling I've ever read. Most everything else is way off track too. I'm not even sure they know what s-e-x means (Does it really matter if you spell it, Mimi??! Can one really hide from trash email and the blog police?!)

They say "Cuddling is about tenderness, intimacy and belonging, while sex is about passion and sexual excitement." Obviously, men have yet to discover this website or we would see cuddling immediately annihilated from all profiles. A site which also lends guidance to the fine art of kissing...."When you kiss someone you caress the lips of your lover with your own lips. Some find this the most intimate erotic act. So it’s no surprise most prostitutes don’t kiss a client on the lips."
Does that make SENSE to you??!
Or have they just watched too many Julia Roberts movies?
I do love this scene. I can be sappy like that.

Anyone wanna cuddle?

No males were hurt in the making of this post.