Blogging Where No Man Has Gone Before ~ Queen Unzipped

WARNING: Approaching silliness.

Does it get any better than this?

Yes, it does. See?



Shhh! Do you hear a camera click?
What's she dooooinnngg in there?
You see.....I was stuck. Trapped. Unable to leave the tiny little room where all women go to do the unspeakable, the unbloggable, the unfathomable. Where complete strangers ask for a zip and zippers ask for a larger size. That's right. The ladies dressing room at the local department store. I had a rendezvous with a pantsuit or pencil skirt .....or two..
Have you ever tried to blog in black and white? Incognito? Quietly? You just want people to be polite and leave you the blog alone. And when they won't, all your senses wanna stand up on a chair in the middle of town and scream "I am a BLOGGER!!!!!"
This is what we do. We snap pics of every event in the known world and parts unknown. We create drama just so we can take a picture of it. Granted. Most of us don't bring the camera into the sacred fitting room...but....well.....it just seemed like such a perfectly silly thing to do. I needed adventure. Clandestine appointments with baby doll tops and bell bottom pants. Who could resist???

Certainly not I.

Could I make a blog post from hangers and sales stickers? Let's listen. Shall we?
Don't mind me. I just need to try on a few clothes.
We'll chat.

It's not often I have company in the sacred fitting room. I have been known to stay in a dressing room for hours. Mixing and matching, fluffing and accessorizing, turning and twisting. My general physician regularly prescribes anti-narcissism drugs just before I go to the mall. I have a shopping strategy so complete that it makes evacuation plans at The Pentagon look like a child's birthday party. I wear loose-fitting comfortable slacks and a button-up shirt with comfortable shoes. I gather all the clothes that could possibly fit me (like oh say...40 pieces or so) and do the clothes changing all at once. That's the only way. Synergy! If they'd let me light candles and play slow jazz I'd do that too. If there is a "limit" to the number of items you can have in a dressing room I won't shop there. Why? Because I refuse to pull tops over my head a million times, get re-dressed AGAIN and mess up my hair.

My local dept. store knows this is what I do - especially after painstakingly picking out a large number of dresses and tops one day, leaving them to go to the ladies room for five minutes and returned to find gone. Gone?! Hours of "work" gone!? Queen spoke with the management. It was not pretty. But this is fun fun fun! You're here! Welcome to my world of hangers!! We'll all just squeeze in this tiny little room and write a blog post try on Queen clothes.

Now guys...
Don't run away.
I have a special surprise JUST for you.....a little later in the post......This is fun! It's all about color and comfort for me this year....I was having soooo much fun that is...
Until I got my head stuck in the green silk top with the pearly white button.
There were only two arm holes and I apparently needed three. because I kept trying to find the other one. Have you ever had a cotton weave stuck to your back and a pearl stuck in your hair? It's maddening!

Don't tell anybody, ok?
What happens in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.
It's a rule.

Would one of you bloggers hand me my hairbrush please.
My hair is a mess!!
Thanks.

Hola! I'd like you to meet the Spanish flair skirt - a wild diversion from the pencil skirt today. I had to have one. And it was perfectly wonderful until the button flew off and hit my toe. "
$10%?? That's all the discount I get for a missing button? 10%??? What about a missing toe?!! Buttons are sharp."

I'm sorry, ma'am...that's our policy.
I'm a Queen you know!

"But it flew off right in my hand and hit my newly painted toe."
I was not amused lady.

10% ma'am.

After she'd ma'am'd me twice I didn't want to talk to her anymore....There's nothing worse than being ma'am'd.
Click! Click! Click! Flash! Flash! Click! There! Take that!
Which started a stir next door where two elderly ladies were debating the wisdom of push-up brassieres.
"Is she really taking pictures of herself? What is she doing? Do you hear that? Maybe she works here...." whispered the nosey neighbors in the cotton torture chamber next door.


Yes, (for the last time) I'm taking pictures of myself. Cause I'm a B.L.O.O.O.O.O.A.A.A.H.H.G.G.E.R.
I can bring home the blacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget you're a blog...er....or something like that.

And don't you forget it lady!

Do you really think I can't hear you through that little wall?
I see your feet for Heaven's sakes!
Nice toes by the way...

"She IS! Listen!" More giggling from the bra sisters.
So just for spite I clicked clicked clicked clicked a thousand times clicking and flashing under over and around the door knob, under and over the openings...flash! flash!.....er....flashing the camera bulb...you know what I mean.....I had my own lighted runway in a 4 x 6 cubicle. The music in my head played Lolita. The only thing missing? A rose in my mouth and a news report.
Isn't that why we're here?



Sigh.

I'm just trying to live in color in here....find the man of my dreams, a belt for my loop, a King for my castle, a seesaw for my saddle, a bell for my...my...whatEVER (probably not in the dressing room but it could happen)......I once had a boyfriend many years ago who had a fantasy about dressing rooms. Don't ask. But since I know one of you is going to ask....well, let's just say he chickened out after he dared me. He dared me! That is tantamount to war in my book.

Too late hotshot.
Oh the secrets that come out behind undressing room doors.
Would one of you bloggers zip me please? I seem to be stuck....again.....

Thanks!
Don't you think we should look at shoes? Cause really if I'm going to find a man in here I need to have shoes.





I think I saw these once in the Wizard of Oz curled up under a house.

How about these?
Wild huh? I like!


Ahh...that's more like it....

I think I'm in heaven.

Again.

Nope. It's the asphyxiation.....

Can I tell you a secret?
You won't tell, right?

Shoe shopping is better than you-know-what and I don't mean chocolate. You get matching accessories, no return hassle and a discount. Why didn't I think of this before?

Psstt! Gladys! Did she say......?

That's right, lady! I said shoe shopping is better than s-e-x!!! If you wanna know the rest of the story and what all my readers think about it AND YOU ...you can read my blog post and all their comments. There might even be a photograph of your stupid toe. That's mimiwrites dot blogspot dot com Bloggingham Palace US of A. Put that in your or baby doll and smoke it!

"Ma'am ....may I HEEELLLPPP you?"

She'd been summoned when the girl at the cosmetics counter who saw me taking photos of the handbags earlier and literally ran to tell on me. Nosey lady. Has she never seen a blogger in the flesh before? Why is it my fault? Can't a girl strike a pose if she wants? Is it illegal to photograph Gucci bags?

I had just picked up this lovely church-lady hat (just for fun) and taken it back to the fitting room
and wham! Busted.

"Do you neeeeedddddd something?"

I smiled and said,

"Nope. I'm good."



So I took my grandmother's wrinkle nose wink and went right back into the trenches....it was a tough job but somebody had to do it...

Red pants and ruffles....

pink lace and white pearls...

I have dresses to buy......and outfits to accessorize...
This is serious business buster.
Thank goodness The Bra Sisters were gone. We don't have time for their silly conversations about next year's prom and the size of their button holes. I think we've all been exposed enough for one day.

Did you say something? Shhhh!~ It's not your turn yet. You have to wait until the comments open up. Doesn't anyone care that I'm trying to cultivate a sultry look in here? It could come in handy one day soon.
I dimmed the lights and everything. Some people have no respect for the blogworld. NONE!!!!

Not to mention the sanctity of my pencil skirt.

I'm just trying to blog....er....pick out a wardrobe.

And now for all you male bloggers out there. I'd like to give you some advice on the world of female shopping.

Five Rules of Shopping With A Female You Love

Rule #1 If your lady comes out to prance around and ask your opinion your job is to nod approvingly and say she looks fabulous in everything she tries on. It's really that simple.

Rule #2 Do not, under any circumstances, answer the "does this make me look fat" question. The only appropriate answer is "Are you KIDDING?! You look so beautiful I could make love to you right now. Close the door and get on the floor." This works to your advantage. She will be so enthralled with your answer that she will hurry up and finish the shopping just to go home with you as fast as she can. You save money! (Just get a headache later. We do it all the time.)

Rule #3 Invest in a set of pom poms. Cheer her selfless wardrobe shopping on as if she's Mother Teresa feeding the poor. I guarantee she will stop at the lingerie counter on the way out.

Rule #4 Do not, I repeat, Do NOT glance at, google at, wink at, drool over, accidentally trip, talk to, eavesdrop on or fixate on lumpy and umlumpy body parts of other women as they loll about in their new clothes. Read my lips. While shopping with your significant other, YOU ARE BLIND to the rest of the world.
And most importantly....

Rule #5 Hold her purse and take it like a man.


Now, if I could just get out of this shirt.
I'll see you tomorrow for an important announcement.
I promise to be zipped.