I'll Take That in Large Bills

Today I became a millionaire. Fox News jumped right on it.

The Interview
Miss Lenox, what do you plan to do with your newfound fortune?
I plan to go shopping.
No giving to the poor? Financing hospital wings? Refurbishing Graceland?  No, just shopping. 
Is that the first thing you're going to do?  First, I have to meet the new love of my life. 

 But what about Boyfriend?  He was the love of my life. Yesterday.
Walter , my new boyfriend, is from South Africa. He wrote me the sweetest letter this morning.
(Readers: This is the real letter I received in my email)
AUDITOR GENERAL DEPARTMENT (FNB).
3/5 RIDER HAGGARD
CLOSE, JO, BORG
SOUTH AFRICA .

Dear friend,

Good day, with due honor and respect, I introduce myself to you for a better relationship. I am MR.WALTER TAMPANI, CHIEF AUDITOR of FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA (F.N.B). I am now decided to contact you for this beneficial transaction that is 100% risk free.
A 100% risk free relationship? I'm assuming you mean .....yeah, that's what you must mean. Continue. If you're Walter....then, who's Rider? Do you live near Rider? He sounds like fun. Go on.
During auditing, verifications investigations in our bank at the end of last fiscal (financial) year, I discovered the sum of (US$26M}TWENTY SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS in a dormant account belonging to MR. ALLAN P SEAMAN, a German international businessman who died along with his family in the November 5th, 2001 plane crash in Abidjan west Africa.

Ya! I've often wondered what happened to that money. Mr. Seaman was my great uncle thrice removed. What a coincidence.

Our investigations revealed no survival or NEXT OF KIN/RELATIONS for claims as we have long been expecting someone to forward applications for claims as it applies to our banking regulations. Information / verifications from reliable sources confirmed that his supposed NEXT OF KINS died with him in the crash.
I know for a fact that Uncle Allan was not having next of kin relations with anybody. Unless you count that long-lost "cousin" of his that used to show up at Christmas. I suppose that must have been the next that died with him.
Aunt Brunhilda wasn't driving the plane, was she?

Hence this for your perusals!  
 You sure do talk fancy for someone who couldn't keep up with $26 million dollars.....

However, I kept this information (SECRET) confidential within my jurisdiction to enable us submit claims and transfer this fund through trustworthy person whom we shall present to our bank as the BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN to the deceased.

What shall I wear? I am certificably bonafide, petrified and freeze-dried. Except when wearing my pencil skirt. Then, all bets are off.

We intend to credit this fund into any of your nominated (designated) offshore bank account for investments.

That's Mimi Pencil Skirt
Mimi Writes
Peace Globe Avenue  Ball #482
United States Blogosphere

Meanwhile, all domestic arrangements for claims have been put in place awaiting your acceptance to participate. I will give you directives and all needed information as soon as I receive your positive response.
A simple yes should suffice.
Yes.
 
Kindly understand that we could not carry out this on our own as based on the simple facts that we are civil servants and secluded from operating foreign account and too, it will raise eyebrows on our side in terms of transfer being staff of the bank.

Let me get this straight. You are the chief financial officer of the bank but your civil servitude precludes you from operating foreign accounts? Aren't all your accounts foreign? Don't fret.
I often raise eyebrows but still manage to keep my job. Kindly understand.
 
Moreover, this fund belongs to a foreigner and demands same as next of kin to claim it. Hence your contact for successful operation.
Of course it belongs to a foreigner. I am a foreigner. You are a foreigner. All God's children are foreigners. Say....what do I have to do to prove that I am next-of-kin? Please describe the deceased. Or better yet, I need to see the bodies. Was Mrs. Seaman wearing a pencil skirt when the plane went down? Did you find any evidence of royal blood?My colleagues and I has resolved to offer you 20% of the total sum as commission, we will invest 75% of our share in your country provided it is profit oriented.
I prefer the 75% which I will invest. I do not plan to share. We do not do things this way in America. The woman never shares.

Wait a minute....why do I need a commission on my own money? You should be thankful to be rid of this burden. I'm saving you a lot of time and trouble.

Now tell me....where did you bury my uncle Allan?
5% of the total fund will be set aside to re-reimburse all expenses to be incurred in the course of running this transaction such as telephone and other minor expenses.
Let's see.....5% of 26 million dollars is.....hold on I need a pencil. But I'm sure it's more than enough to cover a phone call. Just go to the Seven 11 and buy one of those nifty international phone cards for $9.99. I'll take the remainder in cash.

See how simple this is? May I see your business degree, Hotstuff?
 I am assuring you of a smooth and successful transaction provided you display maturity and observe confidentiality.So you wanna play rough, huh? Me? Mature? That's asking a lot. Ok. I'll play along. I won't tell ANYone about this letter. My bloglips are sealed.
And be careful with those threats o-ye-who-sits-on-rotten-money.
I know where you live.
Consider this:
1. can your account accommodate this fund in your local bank without government intervention or do you have an account outside your country where you may consider safe for this fund?
Yes, I have an account outside of this country. My money is in YOUR bank. Now hand it over. 
 
2. What is taxation in your country like as I desire a low/free tax zone?
We have no low/free anythings. We tax everything including money.

If you want your money to fly under the radar invest in the government. They've already taxed our money. At least once.

Where are the interest rates on long/short term fixed deposit in your local banks?

It doesn't matter. My grandfather buried money in the backyard.
I plan to do the same. Will $26 million dollars fit in a large peanut butter jar? By the way, what are the measurements and how much does it weigh? I don't want to have to pay an extra baggage fee at the airport.

4. What other lucrative investments would you suggest as I intend banking, real estate and hotels if they are good business venture in your Country?

You intend to get your hands on my money. I know your kind.
5. Can you be able to make residential documents and purchase a house for me and my family to relocate and settle in your country after the transaction?  I can be able to have Bruno kick your butt. Uncle Allan was in the German mafioso.
 
Please indicate your private telephone and fax number for more efficient communication.
Why didn't you just say so in the first place? You didn't have to go through all of this just to ask me out.
Looking forward to your anticipated urgent response.

Best regards,
Mr. Walter Tampani
Auditor general department (F.N.B).
Please contact me on my Private details,
Mobile telephone: +00-27-735574311 or
E-mail: mrwaltertampani@netscape

Private details??!
I knew he was just after my pencil skirt.