Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bloggingham Tales: Spakes and Sniders



We interrupt our regularly scheduled pencil skirt musings for an emergency announcement. The midlife crisis post I had planned for today full of Easter hats and hormonal prose will have to wait.

I am a mess!! Bloggingham Destruction Renovation is going well. For over two months I’ve been purging from attic to basement, room by room in search of my Zen space. I’ve thrown away everything from college papers to exes T-shirts to fountain pens bought in 1977 to at least twenty computer cords I have no idea what to do with and huge cellphones from 1988. So there I am giddy with glee over the removal of a ton of trash and junk (literally a ton) about to roll away on a big trailer out of my way and out of my life forever when the wild animal kingdom shows up.

Picture this: I am standing on the steps of the porch. Number one son is standing on the step below me. Handyman helper #2 (very cute but jail bait) is standing behind him on the walkway. I am about to wave bye bye to the big mess I’ve purged from Bloggingham (yay me!) when………

…a snake crawls out from the grass right in front of me.
I kid you not.

There is a shovel. A blue one. A snake. A shovel. Three people.

"Kill the snake!" I scream. "Get it! Don't let it get away. Kill the snake!"

Helper #2 who was apparently paying attention in science class said, “No, Ms. Pencil Skirt, snakes are very important to the environment.“

“Not if he crawls in my house!!!“ said I, the calm and authoritative one.
KILL THE SNAKE.

“But it’s not even poisonous. See?“

KILL THE SNAKE.

"I don't see any reason to kill it, Ms. Skirt......"

“It will kill any mice that might be here, Mom, think about it……" said not-too-old-to-send-to-his-room-still child of mine.
Neither man/child can see that the appropriate royal thing to do is to cut off its head.
“Give me that shovel. Off with his head!!“ (don't ask me how I knew it was male, I just knew)
and just as I was about to reach for the little blue shovel to do the job myself my only child announces,

"Mom! there's a spider crawling on your neck."

Other boy has foot on the snake reluctantly waiting for me to kill it. My son is between a captured ugly snake and a long-legged poisonous species crawling on his mother.

“Kill it!“ I screamed back.

“But no, Ms. P….we can’t …in science class….."

I do not have time to argue with these fools. I had to save myself from a swift brown recluse death by bosom biting. And how would I explain this to anyone in the emergency room before I expire?

“Shut UP you over there. Not the snake…yes! The snake…..Kill the spider! The snake. The spake and the snider. Kill ‘em both. (his foot is still on the head of said spake communing with nature in some faraway reunion with science 101) Where, where??! Get it off me…..“

At which point my only child slapped me.

He missed. Spider heads south. At the same time my phone starts vibrating in my pants pocket (that sounded so sordid) ..oops wrong post…that sentence belongs in the midlife crisis posts - I did not set it to vibrate!!! Why now? Who could be calling at a time like this?
I swear this property is possessed.

After some amount of high-C squealing the likes of which Joan Sutherland never heard and one rather uncoordinated strip-tease during the ceremonial renting and tearing of clothes in the house, I find….

Half the spider.
Resting on the Queen’s…um….yes….there.
Oh the humanity.
The indignity.
The smattering of midlife laughing from the wings.

Stop laughing.

By the time I got back outside with none of my dignity intact I’ll tell ya, the soft-hearted boy with not a drop of head-rolling blood left in him had let the snake go back into the grass. I am now forced to ditch my flip flops and wear high-heeled steel toed boots outside the rest of the summer thank you very much.

The phone rings. It is my ex-husband.
"How could you raise a boy who can't chop off a snake's head?! Who are these friends of his? "

"What is the matter? Why are you blubbering?" asked the boy's father.

"Because the snake in the grass got a reprieve while I wasn't looking and I had to kill a spider in my own shirt. It's been a horrible day and I need to shower with Clorox!"

He could not stop laughing long enough to even continue the conversation at which point I hung up on him for the fifth time in two weeks and vowed to never ever ever speak to another man for the rest of my life. He will be thrilled.

**This concludes our brief but blundering hiatus from midlife speculation.
I will return tomorrow.
Cleaner.
Calmer.
De-spidered. **


**Thanks to Everyday Goddess for toasting this post as one of her Posts of The Week.**
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34 comments:

Julie said...

"Death by bosom biting" Oh Mimi! Too crazy!

Christine said...

Reading this once was not enough. Didn't stop laughing, had to read it again. Still laughing!

Travis said...

You had to put a picture? Really? It wasn't enough to tell me about it and make a whole post about it? You needed artwork too?

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - What a horrible death that would be!

Mimi Lenox said...

Christine - So glad to make you smile today....That made ME smile.

Mimi Lenox said...

Trav - I'm sorry!!! I forgot to put the warning on up for you in the title of the post.

I hope you're still saying your mantra. Tell Pam to bring you the woobie....

Ferd said...

OMG! Is that the actual snake?!?!
I can't tell exactly how big it is. Next time put your foot next to it for scale.

Cogitator said...

I like snakes, so I'm glad it survived too. The spider is a casualty of war.

bazza said...

Hi Mimi. Do you know the poem 'Snake' by D H Lawrence?
He wants to fetch some water from a water-trough in Sicily.
He panics and kills the snake.....
"And immediately I regretted it.
I thought how paltry, how vulgar, what a mean act!
I despised myself and the voices of my accursed human education.

And I thought of the albatross
And I wished he would come back, my snake.

For he seemed to me again like a king,
Like a king in exile, uncrowned in the underworld,
Now due to be crowned again."

Tom Eagerly said...

I like spiders and especially snakes since that time when one chased my mother-in-law away!

Charles Gramlich said...

What is that song? "I don't like Spiders and snakes, and that ain't what it takes to love me."

I kinda like 'em both.

Akelamalu said...

Spiders I don't mind but if I saw a snake where I live I would have to move house! :0

Kitten said...

I certainly hope for your sake that the snake didn't crawl into the Palace! I'd have to short-sell my condo if I ever found a snake in there!

As for spiders...one VERY late night, I was about to go to bed when I saw a spider the size of a silver dollar crawl across the living room rug. I yelled at my cats to kill it--and thankfully, they did. Now if they could only kill MICE...

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - OK. I'll remember that. If I'm not busy killing things in my shirt.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - Don't they bother your flower beds? Yuk!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bazza - Ahhh...perfect. I love DH but did not remember this. It's been awhile. Thanks for sharing.

Mimi Lenox said...

Tom - Do tell. How convenient....

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - I would expect no less from a true cowboy.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelemalu - You would really move? Really? Well, I feel the same way about rats and mice.

Mimi Lenox said...

Kitten - Your kitty is very obedient. It was your lucky day. Whew!

Travis said...

I forgive you. Fortunately, I had CAKE.

Cogitator said...

I don't see many snakes here, and if I do they are mostly harmless grass snakes. There are adders (vipers) in the area, but they are rare, and not very poisonous. i.e. not actually fatal. Usually.

Although I have seen an occasional snake in the vicinity, I have never come across one by accident in the garden.

Linda said...

Snakes scare the ever lovin' beejeezus out of me but I don't have the heart to kill them as I know they're good for the environment. I juts hope they slither away and find some other place to do their good deeds in!

Spiders don't bother me as much though I'm pretty sure I'd freak if one was crawling on me, too!

What really gets me going though are crickets! You know - the black ones - the really, really ugly black ones! Shudder! I don't care if it IS lucky to have one in your house, I don't want one anywhere nearby!

Bond said...

MIMI..look behind you...it is the SNAKE!

sorry, could not help myself

enjoy your weekend...


OVER THERE...there it goes....

Everyday Goddess said...

I hope you will stop by soon to collect your Goddess Award from me real soon!
~ Elise

TechnoBabe said...

You did much better with the spider than I could do. Not on my body anywhere. I would let the snake go but the spider must die at all costs.

TMC said...

Congrats on your POTW win! :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Whew! Cake makes everything better. I'm glad it was there for you. Was it chocolate?

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - Usually???

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - I'm not fond of crickets either. They remind of The Birds movie. Don't ask me why...

Mimi Lenox said...

Vinny - YOU!! That really scared me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Everyday Goddess - Thank you so much! I am honored!

Mimi Lenox said...

TechnoBabe - Spoken like a true....uh...a true....what is the word for fear of spiders??!!

Mimi Lenox said...

TMC - Thank you so much!

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