Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Is Your Brain On Dwayne ~ An Actual Conversation

I've had it.
I can't open my email, my Facebook account, my Blogger dashboard or my snail mail without seeing these ads. They're everywhere! Can someone say disgusting? (I would post the actual ones here but then I wouldn't be able to look at my own blog) I'd rather watch erectile dysfunction love stories on TV than be inundated with bad hygiene every time I click my mouse. I'm so squeamish when it comes to close-ups of the human body that I don't even look at my own dental x-rays. I seriously don't.

While in the dreaded chair which is now once a month while I finish up a few dental details, my routine goes like this: Anxiety meds a half hour BEFORE (even for cleanings), my favorite CD turned up loud loud in the headphones to drown out whatever the heck they're doing, my eyes are closed before I even sit in the chair, and my foot heavy and often on the nitrous oxide pedal. It's a win-win. I have to pay extra for the nitrous because I so love it and my dentist has a reason to take drugs himself that day just to survive my visit for which he gets paid a lot of money to torture me. But I digress.

One day recently I was blogging with a bowl of pasta in my lap trying to eating lunch when I encounter THIS

opening my Yahoo email.

I blurred it so that I could look at my own blog.

No lunch for Mimi.
Time for action.
This is the actual conversation I had with Yahoo's live customer service rep.
I apologize, sir, for reprinting it here but you really need to understand that one day someone somewhere is gonna throw you off your little script.
Today you met your challenge.

Yahoo Help. Live Chat function. Customer Service. Blinking lights. "We have a live representative waiting to help you. State your concern."

Mimi Lenox: "ACCKKK! YUKKK! I have an issue with the teeth ads in my email. Can you make them go away? I want them to go away."

Chat Information: You are now chatting with Dwayne

Mimi Lenox: Hi Dwayne
Mimi Lenox: are you there?
Dwayne: Hi! Welcome to our Yahoo! Mail Live Chat service. I'm glad you've joined us.
Dwayne: Thank you for providing us the details of your issue.

Dwayne: As you've mentioned, you have an issue about "Teeth Ads?" is this correct?

Mimi Lenox: yes
Mimi Lenox: this is correcxt
Mimi Lenox: correct
Dwayne: I understand the importance of addressing your concern. Rest assured that I will do my best to help you with your issue.

Mimi Lenox: Seriously......everyday at the top of my mail page there is a series of DISGUSTING pictures of teeth that are just gross

Mimi Lenox: I'm being serious here

Mimi Lenox: I don't even want to open my mail

Mimi Lenox: I'm sure I"m not the only person who feels this way!
Mimi Lenox: I just want to get off the page as soon as possible - it's totally disgusting
Dwayne: I see what you mean, I am so sorry for the inconvenience this is causing you.

Dwayne: Yahoo! Mail provides its services and support to you free only because of the support of our advertisers. These are the ones that you see from the top and side of your Yahoo! Mail page.

Mimi Lenox: I know! But they are sickening to look at
Dwayne: Let us try changing your mail version to see if this ad will go away.

Mimi Lenox: Your customers are having to look at this mess every time they open the mail
Mimi Lenox: I don't like the new version
Mimi Lenox: i like the old format
Dwayne: I understand. We are just going to switch to the New mail version and switch right back to the Old Mail version. Sound good?

Mimi Lenox: as long as I get to keep the old version
Dwayne: Understood.

Mimi Lenox: thank you
Dwayne: Is your account open?

Mimi Lenox: yes
Dwayne: You are welcome.

Dwayne: Let us now switch back to the Old Mail Version.
Mimi Lenox: ok
Dwayne: At the upper right-hand corner click on Options then choose "Switch to Yahoo! Mail Classic."

Mimi Lenox: done

**waiting for the page to refresh and the horror to disappear** tapping foot**eyeing cold noodles**wondering if Dwayne is single**

Mimi Lenox: YUK!! they did not go away
Mimi Lenox: and I am eating lumcj

Mimi Lenox: lunch
Mimi Lenox: yuk
Mimi Lenox: yuk
Mimi Lenox: yuk
Dwayne: I am really sorry about that, Mimi.
Dwayne: Yahoo! Mail Plus account does not have advertisements displayed in the account. Let me provide you a link for more information about Yahoo! Mail Plus. Here it is.
Mimi Lenox: thank you
Mimi Lenox: so I have to pay for no yuk
Dwayne: You are most welcome.

Dwayne: That is really up to you that is only a suggestion. Just keep doing the troubleshooting steps I gave you. I hope that it will correct the issue that you are having.

Dwayne: Would there be anything else I can assist you with?

Mimi Lenox: I will keep switching and see if it helps. Otherwise, I'll just read my mail with one eye shut (just a little humor there) Thank you!
**noting that Dwayne has no sense of humor**

Dwayne: You are most welcome. Again, I apologize that you have to go through with it every time you read your messages.

Dwayne: Thank you for using Yahoo! Mail. If you have any other questions, please feel free to come back and chat with us at any time.

Dwayne: Thanks a lot for chatting. Have a great day!

Next time I'm calling Mr. Ed.


Daisy said...

I hates those yellow-teeth ads, too! But I would not be brave enough to call Dwayne about it.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh mimi i know, they are the worst!

smiles, bee


Hey, Dwayne..;P

Mimi Lenox said...

Daisy - I had to say something. Have you noticed it did NO good?

Mimi Lenox said...

Fee - I'm sure he did exactly what he was hired to do. It drives me just as insane as the ridiculous voice traps in the automated systems. Don't get me started.

Autumn said...

Eh, Dwayne's a lightweight! I could teach him how to be completely useless to a customer! It's my gift, you know.

*note to self: when I get braces, don't post pictures, Mimi will never come back...*

Mimi Lenox said...

Bee - I hate them!!! They could put the AFTER shots without the disgusting before shots. I'm sure it turns more people off than the other way around.

Mimi Lenox said...

Teri - If you know Dwayne tell him thanks for nothing....

Mimi Lenox said...

Grace - Thanks!

Victor Tabbycat said...

Victor's Mom here: Mimi, there IS an answer without changing your email. Ad Block Plus. I use it with Firefox and voila, the ads are GONE. Use it.

My husband used to be as bad as you at the dentist. He nearly passed out during a consultation. Our dentist uses "movie glasses" for him and they have worked together to make it a tolerable experience. He had a reaction to the nitrous once, so doesn't use that. IMO, you might want to look for a different dentist.

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - You must have great job security!

(thanks for the braces

Mimi Lenox said...

Victor's Mom - Ad blocking? I never knew! Thank you!!!

Now I can eat my lunch in peace.

I love my dentist. It's not his fault. I'd be the same anywhere.
Reaction to nitrous? I hope not. That must have been awful.

Mojo said...

If you really want to get creeped out, try a live "remote support" session with Dell computer. they actually waltz around your PC checking settings and so forth while you watch. It's like riding shotgun in your own car. Capital Weird.

And to beat that, I could have (did) told them what the problem was before we ever started. All I needed was a replacement part, I didn't even need them to put it in!

But Deepak was very nice, professional and not totally scripted. Which was nice.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - It makes you just wanna scream.
That would be so unQueenly.

Mimi Lenox said...

EUREKA! If I'd just remembered to tell him I'm a Queen, the whole blogosphere would be rid of this problem by now. Drats!

Xmichra said...

lol.. i was going to suggest telling him your title of queen, but seems someone beat me to it :(

Cogitator said...

I'm laughing myself hoarse

Mimi Lenox said...

Xmichra - How does one wage the power of the pencil skirt in a chat box? That might have helped as well.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - Ha ha ha! Have you been in the nitrous too???

Tilli said...

Oh MY, that's horrifying. *makes comforting noises*. Hope you find a way to avoid them...let me know!

The Gal Herself said...

I get kinda queasy when I see the one with one really yellow tooth next to one shiny clean tooth, so I sympathize.

Good thing that your exchange wasn't monitored for training purposes. I'd hate to think Dwayne was an indication of the future of customer service!

Kitten said...

How much do you want to bet that "Dwayne" was outsourced from another country? Was his name really "Dwayne"?

I personally hate the ads for cellulite cream and stomach pills. I can't believe people fall for that crap...

Speedcat Hollydale said...

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can talk to a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse
He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.
He's always on a steady course.
Talk to Mister Ed.


Mimi Lenox said...

Tilli - I know! I can't stand it!

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I knew I wasn't alone. We should stage a revolt!

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - That was cruel and unusual punishment. Do you know how long it took me to get that song OUT of my head today? And now it's back. Thanks a lot!!

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

I think I'm so used to screening out ads that I don't notice them anymore... I just checked my hotmail and there was nothing disgusting... but my facebook ads are another story! I saw the teeth there.

jennifer said...

I can handle the teeth but could you ask Dwayne about doing away with the half nekkid women with celulite on MY account? Ugh.

"You are most welcome."

Cogitator said...

What is an erectile dysfuntion love story, and do they really have them on TV? The mind boggles.

Bond said...

I don't even 'see' the ads...well I would if I was wondering about a great topic to write about...

you know me and dentists...without nitrous, it ain't happening...

Akelamalu said...

Your trip to the dentist is so like my own I thought I'd written it! :0

Charles Gramlich said...

You're absolutely right. There are some disgustign adds out there. The teeth ones don't bother me too bad but I don't care for them. Fortunately, I can usually tune them out.

Fragrant Liar said...

Ma'am, thank you for posting. I am required to tell you that it's a losing battle with us, your friendly customer service reps. We are cheaply paid but well-trained robots who cannot stray from our prescribed scripts. But thank you for contacting us, and if we can annoy you any further, please don't hesitate to ask us yet another question for which we can only placate you. Have a nice day.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - See?? They're disgusting!

Mimi Lenox said...

Jennifer - I will call him back. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear from me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - I forgot sometimes that we have an international audience here. YES. There are actual ED ads on primetime television in front of the kiddos and everything during dinnertime. It's a national tragedy.

I was just kidding about the love stories. It's more like middle-aged nausea. They should really follow up those commercials with anti-nausea meds now that I think about it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - All hail the Gods of Nitrous

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Again I say...pass the nitrous.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - As you can tell I am completely incapable of tuning them out. UGH.

Mimi Lenox said...

Liar - LOL.
You are a real person, right?

Julie said...

He probably wears flannel regularly. Just thinking.....

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