Sunday, June 14, 2009

Watching For Falling Trees: Why I Need A Harem (Updated!)

**See below for the first harem applicant!**

Caution: This post contains nudity
In the past three months I've had an upper back injury (ouch), a lower back flare-up (ouch), an abdominal contusion inflicted by a flying chair, a torn illiopsoas leg muscle from a flying left leg, the engine light came back on in my car and just yesterday an ant bit me on the thigh and I dropped a hot curling iron on my head.

Things are looking up.

I know it's improbable, irrational and downright silly but I'm so skittish I don't even go near the birdbath in my backyard. (There might be birds in there) Simple things frighten me. I've forgotten how to do ordinary tasks for fear of hurting myself.
I can't even untangle my own hair!! I'm itching I shouldn't have said that something else will bite me to stumble on a pencil skirt caper but I'm scared I'll actually stumble.
So I'm taking no chances.

And no prisoners.

I make the sign of the cross on the toaster every morning and always eat the left side of sliced bread first. I make sure the telephone rings seven times for luck before I answer it and not once has it been the IRS since I started this. I've taken to saying three Hail Marys ( I'm not Catholic), 2 praise Jesus's (I'm not whatever that is), reciting the Lord's Prayer in French and German, The Gettysburg Address, The Declaration of Independence and The Pledge of Allegiance. And that's before I even get out of bed.

Superstitions are scared of ME now. I carry a cross at all times. I don't wear it. I carry it. A big one. Like that man who walked across the country carrying a cross. THAT BIG!!! Never know when I'll stumble on a vampire. I take my vitamins at precisely 7:07 am because 7 would be my lucky number if I had one.

Oh. And I changed the color of my toothbrush.

What made me think I wanted to go out and frolic this morning? What possessed me?! Boredom, that's what and the realization that I needed that stupid converter box in order to watch Saturday morning cartoons. So I peeked outside and looked for the sky to fall. With my luck, the clouds would be filled with bricks on Chicken-Little Day. But when I counted to 100 and the sky was still smiling I decided it was time to face my fears. So I did what any self-respecting pencil skirt worth her Maybelline would do: I got in the car and rolled the window down with rubber gloves in case of germs and inspected my surroundings for signs of bio-terrorism. I've secured a Biodegradable hazmat suit from the army surplus store just in case I wanna stroll around the yard or actually get in the car 'cause you never know when I could suddenly succumb to some fatal injury or illness just waiting to pounce on my pencil head. I could step outside my house and break myself!

Do you see how that wall is leaning?

And we haven't even discussed the alligators in the moat or the poison ivy.

I made sure my hair was out of the way before I put the window up and decided to go for a drive.

Charles suggested in a recent comment that I get a "himem" to assist me while I recuperate which is supposed to be the antithesis of a harem. He said a Queen should have more than one boyfriend - three, to be exact. A woman never can have too many of those ya know. And while I'm feeling much better today (I can actually put on my socks without screaming) - I think he might be onto something. And since I've had boyfriends (where are they when you need 'em??!) but never a harem/himum..... I think it's time to try something new. Because seriously, if I drop one more thing on my head the blogosphere could lose it's most irritating favored Queen!

I am familiar with the history of harems. Their purpose back in the day was for the royal upbringing of the future wives of noble and royal men. Since I'm the royal in these parts, we'll have to flip flop it to male upbringing. Oh, what fun! So I'm on the lookout for falling trees, falling bird baths and men willing to protect me from myself. My independent streak will have to take a lonely hike for awhile. I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-be-damned (sorry Lizza). I need someone to take out the garbage and cook.....well, never's the real list.

How To Qualify For Mimi's Himem (now accepting applications)

1. You must be willing to fall down a lot.

2. Apply first aid to the Queen's body wherever injury occurs day or night night or day day or night and whatever may befall her or fall on her underneath her on top of her or around her. Oh. Throwing yourself in front of cars and moving trains is a requirement.

3. I need someone who can cuss for me. You must cuss and cuss well.

4. Can you untangle hair?
(I tried to look seductive without falling out the window.)

5. I'm currently plotting the murder of one imaginary dog. I need a strategist. I guess that rules out pet people.

6. You must be a speedo-wearing moat swimmer, tree hugger with a responsible flower child spirit. Religion doesn't matter. Blasphemy welcome.

7. Naked lounging is encouraged. I found some pictures of what people do in a harem.

All in the name of academic research.
I don't mind if you don't wear clothes as long as you don't mind if I do.
(Am I seductive yet?)

8. No grapes for me. I want to be fed Cheetos. Slowly. Seductively.
Can you think of anything sexier? (Don't answer that)

9. You must have a Master's Degree in foot massage, bubble bath drawing, peace globe polishing and Godiva pouring.

10. Pedigree should include Kennedy, Rockefeller, Tudor, Hemingway and Springsteen. No exceptions!!!! Extra points if you're related to Clyde Barrow and can shoot a gun.

Submit a flattering and sensual current picture to mimiwrites2005 at along with your intellectual qualifications just in case I like the picture and want to read about your brain.
This offer for a limited time only!! No refunds.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my biodegradable anti-germy gloves and hit the Publish button 'cause I smell poison ivy leaves inside the car. Which one of you did that??! I'm sure my inbox will soon be flooded with men who want to be my blog slave any moment.

I left the water running in the dungeon. Homer is down there and he can't swim.

The first applicant arrives! From an "alternate universe" we have Doctor Shoal and his bowl of....of.....well, let's just say I had to crop the bottom of the picture. This is a PG Kingdom ya know! After I took a cold shower, I recouped and decided to share him for your viewing pleasure. Hey! Wait a minute! Doctor Shoal looks suspiciously like Speedcat Hollydale.
Whaddya say, Ladies? Will he do?


Anonymous said...

You are a riot...has any one told you that recently. Too bad I don't wear speedos :) LOL

Desert Songbird said...

May I help you interview, your Majesty?

Mimi Lenox said...

Thom - No speedos no job!
(and thank you)

Mimi Lenox said...

Songbird - We want dimples, brawn, brains and undying devotion to Yours Truly (not necessarily in that order). Yippee! The search is on.

Repeat after me: sexy and strong, brainy and brawn.

Anonymous said...

A speedo-wearing moat swimmer sounds pretty good. ;)

Mimi Lenox said...

Fish - I put a lot of thought into this as you can tell.

Tarheel Rambler said...

Wait a minute. If Blogingham is going to become a clothing optional zone, why is it that only the himem are going to be wandering around nekkid? Doesn't sound very PC to me!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - Cause the Queen says so that's why! Bah!!!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

hmmmm ... I had my pen out and ready to apply until #10 came up. That's some stiff requirments I reckon Miss Mimi the Queen. Can you bend the rules a tweek to accept the "Hollydale" gene pool?? I do have speedos ... they were NAMED after me you know ;-)

Lots of hugs,

(holding a new bag of Cheetoes)

Mimi Lenox said...

Speedy Speedos! - You know the way to a Queen's heart.
(and that bag of Cheetos is just what I wanted)


Speedcat Hollydale said...

That darn Doctor Shoal is always getting all the publicity. I do not like him .....

Ha haaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!

(smoootchie smoootchie)

Julie said...

I leave for 28 hours and I come home to seeing a man whipping up something?

Oh....what did I just say?


Mimi Lenox said...

Doctor Shoal ala Speedy - Taking the 5th I see....If I were you, I'd take credit for such a masterpiece. Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to stop staring.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - Does it count if you said it and I thought it? Does that make me bad? Does it?? Does it??!

Please don't go away again. I'm in danger of losing my PG rating now!

Smorg said...

Sorry you had such a rough year healthwise! I have the tried and true superstition for you. Forget the crossed fingers... cross your ears instead. ;o)

Looking down the list... no grapes, ay? How about raisins? Oh heck, I'm flunking anyway since I haven't even got a bachelor in foot massage... Could never get pass the big toe! :o)

Thanks for another good read, maestra. Teu! Teu! Teu!


Ha!...we both speak "Harem" this week; come see.

I've got the foot massage part down pretty good but, I tend to veer towards flood and fire, and so I too require assistance.

Not sure I could deal with a man, or many men in my space for more than a moment with our slicing off their head so they might grow another.

Be well.

Akelamalu said...

I have a feeling you may get lots of applicants! ;)

Bond said...

this was a blast to read...thanks

Linda said...

If you need someone to come down to Bloggingham and interview candidates, do let me know! I could use some sort of interesting diversion from squabbling teens!

Mimi Lenox said...

Smorg - Maestra...Maestro...I will answer to all. It's been an interesting spring. Summer HAS to be better. I'm on it!

Mimi Lenox said...

Teri - "slice off their heads?" OH MY. Maybe I shouldn't send any men your way at the moment. I shall be over soon to see your harem!

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Giggling....

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - I'll try to handle it myself. Did I just say that?!

OK. You know you're welcome at Bloggingham anytime, my friend.

Autumn said...

What a lovely idea, Your Highness. Maybe I should put out an offer of my own...

The Gal Herself said...

I am glad that you're feeling better -- or at least more regal -- and that you're planning for the future.

Please remember to always hold a button when you go past a cemetary. A Girl Scout leader told me that would insure good luck and I continue doing it to this day. I may not be the world's luckiest gal, but then, who knows how bad it would all be if I didn't hold a button when I pass a cemetary!

Also, I think you're letting your servant boys off to easily with the Cheetos. The grapes were traditionally peeled, remember? A two-step process. I'm afraid if you're not extremely high maintenance, these lads won't take servicing you as seriously as they should.

#10 is completely my favorite. What a guy he will be!

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - I'm getting good at the "interview" process. You may need some pointers. I'll be right over dear.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I didn't know about the cemetery. I will gather some buttons!

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. - No Cheetos, huh? Ohh...I see....the Slooooowwww peeling grapes. Sensual! You are so right. Why did I think of that??!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

My CV will be sent to you shortly, together with some Cheetos.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - I await! I await!
(Are you pedigreed though....just asking...)
And can you untangle hair?

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

You look so cute in the car mirror ;)

I bet the applications are pouring in... (ahem... send me your leftovers) :D

Wavy said...

Dawn - Thank you.

Hey! Wait a minute. I was going for seductive and nobody noticed. Cute, you say? I wanna be seductive! I can be seductive ya know!

OK. I'm over it.
I'll send you my "leftovers..." lol
'cause you're so darn cute yourself. (and seductive!!)

Wavy said...

Ummm...Wavy...that would be MIMI (working on Message Bottle today)

I'm a seductive Message Bottle too!! So there.

Mimi Queen of Car Mirror Seduction

Travis said...

Although I don't have any formal training in foot massage, I'm told I do ok for an unschooled heathen. But the problem is that I have a weakness for Cheetos. I'm afraid the bags never make it home without significant pilferage.

So I guess I'm out.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Cheetos pilferage would never do I'm afraid, but it's the thought that counts.
Maybe you can help me judge!

Ferd said...

I have a picture of me in a speedo I just found, but it is SO not current! Ha!

Absolutely no way I would hurt Homer, so, I'm out.

Too bad, though, cuz I could do everything else!

Oh, and there's this little thing about Princess Gail...

Ricardo said...

Wow that is a string of bad luck Mimi. I'd be spooked at everything too. At this rate carrying the cross may be a good idea as you may have Vampire run ins.

I suppose I can stop by once a week for the harem as I need the job. Be gentle with me, please.

Mojo said...

Hmm... sounds like a fabulous gig to me. Well until you got to the speedo part. If I'm not mistaken, there are ordinances prohibiting guys my age from wearing anything made of Lycra®. And if there aren't ordinances prohibiting it, there certainly should be. However, since Bloggingham is clothing optional, skinny dipping in the moat might be preferred to attempting to stretch synthetic fabrics beyond its breaking point.

But I could never be an accessory to the Homer assassination, so I guess I was already shot in the bum.

*sigh* It's always something.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Too bad about the speedo pic. But don't you have those cycling shorts? That'll do!
Bring Gail with you!
We'll have lunch!

I wouldn't hurt Homer either....shhh...don't tell him.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ricardo - I must be gentle?
I'll think about it...

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - The speedo and the assassination has scared off more men! Will I ever learn??!!

You're welcome without the speedo...I know what I mean...oh, I'll just shut up now.

Ricardo said...

OK no but safe words are a must.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ricardo - Maybe this will help your bitter mood, my friend. Rich fantasy lives are essential to a well-balanced psyche.

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