Watching For Falling Trees: Why I Need A Harem (Updated!)

**See below for the first harem applicant!**


Caution: This post contains nudity
In the past three months I've had an upper back injury (ouch), a lower back flare-up (ouch), an abdominal contusion inflicted by a flying chair, a torn illiopsoas leg muscle from a flying left leg, the engine light came back on in my car and just yesterday an ant bit me on the thigh and I dropped a hot curling iron on my head.

Things are looking up.


I know it's improbable, irrational and downright silly but I'm so skittish I don't even go near the birdbath in my backyard. (There might be birds in there) Simple things frighten me. I've forgotten how to do ordinary tasks for fear of hurting myself.
I can't even untangle my own hair!! I'm itching I shouldn't have said that something else will bite me to stumble on a pencil skirt caper but I'm scared I'll actually stumble.
So I'm taking no chances.

And no prisoners.

I make the sign of the cross on the toaster every morning and always eat the left side of sliced bread first. I make sure the telephone rings seven times for luck before I answer it and not once has it been the IRS since I started this. I've taken to saying three Hail Marys ( I'm not Catholic), 2 praise Jesus's (I'm not whatever that is), reciting the Lord's Prayer in French and German, The Gettysburg Address, The Declaration of Independence and The Pledge of Allegiance. And that's before I even get out of bed.


Superstitions are scared of ME now. I carry a cross at all times. I don't wear it. I carry it. A big one. Like that man who walked across the country carrying a cross. THAT BIG!!! Never know when I'll stumble on a vampire. I take my vitamins at precisely 7:07 am because 7 would be my lucky number if I had one.


Oh. And I changed the color of my toothbrush.

What made me think I wanted to go out and frolic this morning? What possessed me?! Boredom, that's what and the realization that I needed that stupid converter box in order to watch Saturday morning cartoons. So I peeked outside and looked for the sky to fall. With my luck, the clouds would be filled with bricks on Chicken-Little Day. But when I counted to 100 and the sky was still smiling I decided it was time to face my fears. So I did what any self-respecting pencil skirt worth her Maybelline would do: I got in the car and rolled the window down with rubber gloves in case of germs and inspected my surroundings for signs of bio-terrorism. I've secured a Biodegradable hazmat suit from the army surplus store just in case I wanna stroll around the yard or actually get in the car 'cause you never know when I could suddenly succumb to some fatal injury or illness just waiting to pounce on my pencil head. I could step outside my house and break myself!

Do you see how that wall is leaning?

And we haven't even discussed the alligators in the moat or the poison ivy.

I made sure my hair was out of the way before I put the window up and decided to go for a drive.

Charles suggested in a recent comment that I get a "himem" to assist me while I recuperate which is supposed to be the antithesis of a harem. He said a Queen should have more than one boyfriend - three, to be exact. A woman never can have too many of those ya know. And while I'm feeling much better today (I can actually put on my socks without screaming) - I think he might be onto something. And since I've had boyfriends (where are they when you need 'em??!) but never a harem/himum..... I think it's time to try something new. Because seriously, if I drop one more thing on my head the blogosphere could lose it's most irritating favored Queen!

I am familiar with the history of harems. Their purpose back in the day was for the royal upbringing of the future wives of noble and royal men. Since I'm the royal in these parts, we'll have to flip flop it to male upbringing. Oh, what fun! So I'm on the lookout for falling trees, falling bird baths and men willing to protect me from myself. My independent streak will have to take a lonely hike for awhile. I-am-woman-hear-me-roar-be-damned (sorry Lizza). I need someone to take out the garbage and cook.....well, never mind...here's the real list.



How To Qualify For Mimi's Himem (now accepting applications)


1. You must be willing to fall down a lot.

2. Apply first aid to the Queen's body wherever injury occurs day or night night or day day or night and whatever may befall her or fall on her underneath her on top of her or around her. Oh. Throwing yourself in front of cars and moving trains is a requirement.

3. I need someone who can cuss for me. You must cuss and cuss well.

4. Can you untangle hair?

(I tried to look seductive without falling out the window.)

5. I'm currently plotting the murder of one imaginary dog. I need a strategist. I guess that rules out pet people.

6. You must be a speedo-wearing moat swimmer, tree hugger with a responsible flower child spirit. Religion doesn't matter. Blasphemy welcome.

7. Naked lounging is encouraged. I found some pictures of what people do in a harem.

All in the name of academic research.
I don't mind if you don't wear clothes as long as you don't mind if I do.

(Am I seductive yet?)

8. No grapes for me. I want to be fed Cheetos. Slowly. Seductively.
Can you think of anything sexier? (Don't answer that)

9. You must have a Master's Degree in foot massage, bubble bath drawing, peace globe polishing and Godiva pouring.

10. Pedigree should include Kennedy, Rockefeller, Tudor, Hemingway and Springsteen. No exceptions!!!! Extra points if you're related to Clyde Barrow and can shoot a gun.

Submit a flattering and sensual current picture to mimiwrites2005 at yahoo.com along with your intellectual qualifications just in case I like the picture and want to read about your brain.
This offer for a limited time only!! No refunds.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on my biodegradable anti-germy gloves and hit the Publish button 'cause I smell poison ivy leaves inside the car. Which one of you did that??! I'm sure my inbox will soon be flooded with men who want to be my blog slave any moment.

Flooded......flooded.....drats!!

I left the water running in the dungeon. Homer is down there and he can't swim.

NEWSFLASH!
The first applicant arrives! From an "alternate universe" we have Doctor Shoal and his bowl of....of.....well, let's just say I had to crop the bottom of the picture. This is a PG Kingdom ya know! After I took a cold shower, I recouped and decided to share him for your viewing pleasure. Hey! Wait a minute! Doctor Shoal looks suspiciously like Speedcat Hollydale.

Whaddya say, Ladies? Will he do?