Saturday, January 3, 2009

Mimi In A Minute #3 ~ Hugh Hefner and The Brady Bunch

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache. I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep.
Do you mind? I have a few things to say.
This is Mimi unplugged.
Hide your children.


To your DNA: Run.
Did you know that if you are arrested - AS you are arrested - for certain misdemeanors in California and a few other states, your DNA will be hideously extracted from you BEFORE you are convicted of anything? A traffic ticket? Huh?
I think not. This means I have to stop throwing my shoes in the backseat while at red lights.



To the Green Bible Critics:
Yes, that's right. There are folks with their toenails in a spin about the Good Book going green. You can't judge a book by its cover!


The mother who gave birth in mid-flight from the Netherlands to Boston -
How long did it take you to untangle that darned oxygen mask?
Just wondering. And oh! Congratulations!







To the Pussycat Dolls
-


Your performance New Year's Eve in Times Square was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
I could switch teams if you keep that up.
Just sayin'....



Those trying to nationally ban smoking in restaurants and public places.
Finally! Somebody with some sense!

Smokers:
The next time you light-up in a non-smoking section in my restaurant, I would like you to jump up and grab the wafting death curling menacing ugly carcinogen-carrying curly wispies that are invading my Caesar salad drowning my antioxidants. It's the least you can do.

Mr. Obama - You are a Presidential hottie. I saw those Hawaiian photographs.
I say that with the utmost respect.
And adoration.


Employment Security Commission:
Those in the unemployment lines should FIRST be given the jobs that went overseas. Here's the number. 1-800-NO-SPEAK-ENGLISH


My lame cell phone technical support line: Pick up the phone!


I'd like to have a discussion with the Detrol Bladder Control commercial: You gotta GO!!!




and so do you, Herman Rosenblat, who wrote the fictitious memoir about his experiences in a concentration camp during the Holocaust and insulted survivors everywhere:
Meeting on a blind date in The Big Apple (as you did) and getting married (as you did) and staying married for 50 years (as you supposedly did)
.......is even LESS probable than the made-up meeting at the Buchenwald fence with a Jewish apple thrower. You picked the wrong apple.

Hugh Hefner: You are 82. In your case 82 is the new 82. You are now dating 3 women including a pair of gorgeous twins who could be your great-great-great granddaughters. Don't tell me you're gonna talk about apples too....

Marcia "Brady Bunch" Brady aka Maureen McCormick.

You are 52. It is the new 32 don't ya know?

But it's too late. You are still too old to date Hugh.


Bridget Palin: Marry the boy or don't marry the boy.


Tina Fey: You get $6 million for a book of "humorous essays" because you spoofed a Vice-presidential candidate? ! I thought impersonating high officials was against the law.
I've been impersonating a Queen for 2 years and I got nothin'! I got nothin'!
But really.
We can split the cash if you decide you wanna impersonate me.
I'll have my people call your people.


Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.
Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.
Lights out.
I need a nap.
And an agent.

Mimi In A Minute #1
Mimi In A Minute #2 Enough!

Digg!
Copyright © 2006-2009 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

44 comments:

Julie said...

Sleep well dear friend.

Deana said...

Great post. I don't even know which to comment on..you were hilarious on them all and BOO to the nasty smokers ruining our antioxidants!

The Gal Herself said...

First of all, I refuse to believe that you "impersonate" royalty, as I'm convinced you are to the manor born. Secondly, you gotta give poor Tina a break. Doesn't she write 30 Rock? The budding "author" that offends me is Joe the Plumber. Yes, I'm dying to hear his world view. Perhaps he can give me the definitive answer about the Gaza Strip.

Gawd! Now you've got me ranting! It's contagious!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

I don't know how long ago, but it was a LONG time ago, that I thought Hugh should just go away. You gotta be sh**ing me that he thinks these children are attracted to him. I've said this before: What is it about very old, very rich white guys that make them delussional?

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - I will. I will. Ranting is done.

Mimi Lenox said...

Deana - Boo and double Boo.
I just walk out now.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I forgot about Joe the Plumber. Next week! I did not know she has other writing talents - which is more than we can say for Joe. But I am looking for a good plumber.....

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - The "children" look just as ridiculous and are just as delusional. Richer. But delusional.

Mojo said...

You've been impersonating a Queen? Talk about apple throwing! You should write a fake memoir too. I'm soooo disappointed. Hmph... I'll bet Homer isn't even a real dog! And the dungeon?

Well okay, the dungeon's probably for real.

(You, umm, do realize I'm pulling your lovely royal leg, right?)

Thanks for the chuckle. After the events of the last several days, I really needed one.

Mimi Lenox said...

Windows7 - Hmmmm...you sound so..so...commercial. I'll check you out. And thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - I do know you are kidding. The events of the last several days? I'll be by to catch up. Hope everything is ok...why am I thinking not. Hmmm....

Shannon H. said...

*shudder* that is a huge needle! EEK I hate needles.

Don said...

DNA - yup, they are the new fingerprint. Sucks to be the accused. I think in some states there may be a way to have your DNA removed from the system if you are found innocent of the charges against you.

The Green Bible - something about mountains and molehills comes to mind...

In-flight Mom - so, what did she name her kid? Boeing? McDonnell? Douglas? (Oh, please tell me it's not Airbus!!)

Pussycat Dolls - I'd switch teams just to switch back... Wait, does that even make sense? If not, then I guess I'm in the right place! ;-)

Smoking Ban: I'm waiting for tobacco to be outlawed, period. A National ban will be hard to stick, especially in the face of tobacco lobbyists and states that derive a hefty chunk of their income from tobacco.

Smokers - oh, there's a simple solution to the smoker in the non-smoking section. Just politely ask if he doesn't mind you using your aerosol hairspray/bodyspray/etc. near him, which happens to be aimed in his general direction. If he doesn't move fast enough - well, there's Darwinian natural selection at work!

(I've lost more family to tobacco than any other cause of death, so I have a right to be vicious in my opinions. I just try keeping them to myself most of the time.)

Obama - hell, even I have to say he's more attractive than any who've held the office since I've been alive.

ESC - well, all those companies that thought it was such a wonderful idea to outsource work to other countries (and in the process reduced American spending power and incomes) are now reaping what they've sown. Were it not for the devastation it would create to the national economy, I'd say to blazes with them all and let them bail themselves out.

Cellphone tech support - wait, your phone actually HAS tech support? ;-)

Detrol - whatever genius thought it'd be a great idea to advertise prescription drugs on broadcast and cable TV should be subjected to nothing but the fruits of their own labors ad infinitum...

Rosenblat - was his fiction writing so bad that he had to try passing it off as biography just to sell it? Perhaps truth really is stranger than fiction...

Hefner - he's not really dating them. They're like jewelry - they hang off of him and look pretty. (His magazine hasn't really been relevant for the past two decades anyway...)

McCormick - hey, what guy my age didn't have a thing for her when we were kids? She's still looking mighty MILF-y from this angle...

Bridget Palin - why does anyone care? Her fifteen minutes are OVER...

Tina Fey - She got the deal for far more than a spoof - although it was a world-class spoof, really!

And regarding Joe the Plumber, who isn't named Joe and isn't a licensed plumber, who wants to buy his boss' business but never had the money to do so, and is in arrears in his taxes - well, if there's any justice in the world, his book will be titled, "Plumber's Crack", and it will be on the bargain table at Barnes & Noble within a month of its release, only included on bestsellers' lists that include the bestselling 100,000,000 books of the week...

Giggles said...

Hey Mimi excellent unplugged Mimi...did you know that you can't smoke at bus stops or outside the door of most buildings in the lower mainland of British Columbia? Not to mention indoors either!In fact an officer fined a guy for smoking at the bus stop while my kids were waiting!!

Hugs Giggles

Akelamalu said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your rant Mimi my dear. :)

Happy New Year!

Lois Grebowski said...

My my, Mimi... That's a lot on your mind. Hope you slept well after this...

Linda said...

The whole thing with Hugh Hefner is that these "kids" keep hooking up with him because they know that it may very well bring them fame and fortune and that just keeps his ego going regardless of his age. They can't possibly believe that any of us believe that they're with him for more than that. It's pathetic what some people will do to better their own cause. The term "gold-digging **ore" comes to mind here for some reason ...

As for the rest of this post - brilliant! Hope you were able to sleep for a bit after all that!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Vintage Mimi....so many good things!

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - So do I!

Mimi Lenox said...

Don - Most of these could be 'mountains and molehill' moments! Good point.

Mimi Lenox said...

Giggles - British Columbia has it right! Good for you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - It's nice to know my snarkiness is loved - even if I'm snarky. I wish the "real world" viewed it the same way.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - I feel so much better now. I think it's the hat.

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - The old guy young chick thing I just don't get - and then again, I do!

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-luc - Who are you calling vintage??!! Don't make me come over there.

SandyCarlson said...

I sure did need that, Mimi! Wow. Hugh is 82? My goodness, I'm old enough at 42 to be his governess. Or his girlfriends' governesses.

Obama is a hottie. Nice to have it all going for us as a nation, insn't it?

Starrlight said...

Hugh is gettin a bit spooooky these days. I'd bet big bucks there are days he wakes up and has forgotten what his penis is for.

Just sayin.

Travis said...

Yes, I'm a guy and I can be shallow. Pussycat Dolls...mmmmm.

LEGS LEGS LEGS LEGS!

Vodka Mom said...

Oh Mimi- I TOTALLY love all your shit.

you rock. Oh, and Hef - you really should be ashamed of yourself. It's just disgusting.

Margo Moon said...

In his case 82 is the new 82. Priceless!

Dang, I wish I were one of Tina Fey's people, so I could get with your people and help resolve this. Plus, if I were one of her people, that means I would actually know her. Sigh. I wanna be one of her people real bad. (My girlfriend already said it's okay)

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandy - I'm so glad you agree that Obama is a hottie. It's so nice to have a hottie President!

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - That cracked me up.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Admiring beautiful women is not shallow - unless you're Hugh and you're 82.

Mimi Lenox said...

Vodka - It's interesting that Hugh's quip got the most press in the comments. Nobody got to Detrol joke! Did you get it? Tell me you got it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Margo - Glad she is letting you cross over into your dark side.
I may try that one of these days myself. Do you think I could pull it off?

Mimi Lenox said...

Don't answer that, Starr!

Jamie said...

You certainly deserve to have somebody's people petition your people for an audience. The delay is probably because they taking instruction for how to back up from your presence once presented.

Huzzah for the non smoking. I quit more than two years ago and temptation is not welcome.

rjlight said...

Okay, you're funny. I think lusting after the president-elect is a federal offense though. I had no idea the bible went green --love it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - That MUST be it!

Mimi Lenox said...

rj - Green as a cucumber. And thanks!

Starrlight said...

But! But!!!!

Ok I will be good =)

Patti said...

Fun post, as always, Queen Mimi. I don't know what to comment on here..I certainly agree about the smokers in restaurants. YUCK

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - I just walk out and find a new place if it gets that bad. I hate it.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I am still stuck at "Pussycat Dolls".

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