Thursday, December 4, 2008

Cuddling 101


I know this is silliness but it's mine and I own it.

People!
Can we call time-out for cuddling?
I never thought I'd say that.
I can't believe I said that.

If I read one more dating profile that touts the benefits of movie-watching-cuddling-on-the-couch-with-my-special-someone.....I'm going to scream.
Seriously.

I just need to get this off my chest. Do you mind?
If I want a teddy bear I'll go to the zoo.
We all know you don't want to cuddle.
Women know this.
No guy wants to cuddle.

Michael Buble has remade a vintage Paul Anka tune called "Put Your Head on My Shoulder." You've heard it, I'm sure.
Ahhh...
That was cuddling.
No movies.
No popcorn.
No googly-eyed-puppy-dog-looks.(well, maybe one or two)
Remote controls? I think not.
Action thrillers were not on the agenda.
Nothing in these lyrics about bullet ridden soundtracks and steamy love scenes in a dirty jail cell.

We didn't need a couch either.

"Special" was NOT an endearing term nor was cuddling.

Kissing was a backseat sport.
Period.

The only reason girls needed a shoulder was to take a break from making-out. Let's be honest here.
You don't want to cuddle.
You want the make-out that leads to staying in.

Newsflash!
Sometimes, so do we.

Things have not changed. This is not a man-woman-Mars-Venus epiphany or historical proportions. I just want to change the vernacular or at least ignore the garbage verbiage I'm reading.

And why is cuddling always coupled with TV? Doesn't it make you wonder? These questions keep me up at night.

Do you ever hear a guy say, "Babe, let's make a cuddle date on the couch. Just you and me. Let's light some candles and plan a night of serious smooching." ??

Hardly.
Sometimes they just wanna watch the movie.
Guys want movies as background noise to drown out the purring questions our soft conniving little cuddly brains come up with to get his mind off the stupid movie and provide escape opportunities in case we actually voice them. Once he's totally enthralled in the passion of a nice torture scene complete with sound effects (YUK) or a predictable sword fight over a cliff....we just can't help ourselves.



It
brings
out
the
woman
in
us.

"Darn! I missed the part where his head blows off! Honey, do you mind? I'll return that kiss in just a minute....What did you say?!...You want to know what I'm thinking? (never EVER ask a guy what he is thinking because he will tell you) Uh.....I'm thinking if I tell her I want more popcorn she'll get up to fetch some and forget she asked me that question. See?
I know.
That's. So. Retro.

Cuddling sounds soft and teddy-bearish. Sweet and angelic. Clean-shaven. Plotted. Predictable. Junior-highish....

Positively boring.

Here's my definition of cuddling:
Cuddling is something you do accidentally (yeah right) in the middle of the night when your feet are cold.
It is not a scheduled activity.

It is what naturally happens after what naturally happens happens naturally.

I think I just heard a collective groan from every man in the free world.

You know...sometimes I just want a five-o'clock shadow with a rough edge who knows how to make-out. Truly I do. This Friday night I am dancing solo barefoot on the carpet in the castle living room awol from all shadowy scrungy kisser passersby types (oh...but the music is loud and the dancing is fun) and writing relationship trivia.
But Mimi! What's the difference in cuddling and making out?
I'm so glad you asked.
If you have to ask that question then we don't belong on the same sofa.

Dictionary.com calls cuddling "affectionate play" - not affectionate play, rewind, fast forward and pause.
Also "gentle foreplay" - OK. I'll give you that one. Apparently some of you have been reading the dictionary.

I googled "cuddling." (Don't tell anybody k?)

Did you know there are Cuddle Parties?
I kid you not.
Described as " A boundary-appropriate workshop and social event for exploring touch, affection and communication. Pajama-clad people discuss cuddle boundaries and strangers spoon: a safe place to be "energetically open."
Oh please.
It's a safe place to meet weirdos.

But guy might want to check it out. Could save you a lot of frustration and you might actually get to watch the movie for a change when you get home.

Then I found Romanceopedia (!) which has an entire article and links devoted to the cuddling-on-the-couch-watching-a-movie question.
Who knew?!
And who cares.

Google also led me to the "s-e-x dictionary" which gives the worst definition of cuddling I've ever read. Most everything else is way off track too. I'm not even sure they know what s-e-x means (Does it really matter if you spell it, Mimi??! Can one really hide from trash email and the blog police?!)

They say "Cuddling is about tenderness, intimacy and belonging, while sex is about passion and sexual excitement." Obviously, men have yet to discover this website or we would see cuddling immediately annihilated from all profiles. A site which also lends guidance to the fine art of kissing...."When you kiss someone you caress the lips of your lover with your own lips. Some find this the most intimate erotic act. So it’s no surprise most prostitutes don’t kiss a client on the lips."
Does that make SENSE to you??!
Or have they just watched too many Julia Roberts movies?

I do
love this scene. I can be sappy like that.

Anyone wanna cuddle?


No males were hurt in the making of this post.



38 comments:

tarheelrambler said...

I'm happy to be the first to respond to Your Majesty on this one. This male truly likes to cuddle. But not in front of the TV, or at the movies, or any other distraction. I like to cuddle...just cuddle...if front of a fireplace, or sitting on a bench or swing enjoying some beautiful scenery or the ocean.

You know when a relationship is working when you can sit and cuddle for hours on end, not speaking a word, but backing in the presence of the other person. No kissing, no tickling, just cuddling.

tarheelrambler said...

That was supposed to be basking...not backing.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - Spoken like a true gentleman. I've been in a relationship like this too....and truly the TV doesn't bother me as long as his hands are in my hair while he watches people get blown up.

It's tres romantic!

Mimi Lenox said...

Basking....got it. lol

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh man, I love to cuddle, and I need a MAN like LEE that shares those feelings!

Mimi Lenox said...

Meleah - So do I. Men like that are few and far between. Lee's wife is a lucky woman, yes she is.

Hahn at Home said...

I don't like to cuddle--but will until I am bathed in the fires of menopause or need to roll over. I don't watch action movies. I do like no-5-o'clock make out sessions that make me remember what it's like to be young again and which may or may not end in doing what comes naturally.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I say we clone Lee and the world will be a happier place.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lori - Needing to roll over and menopause fires are not something we had to worry about back in the days of the backseat.
Sigh.

Mimi Lenox said...

Queen - Clone Lee...ha!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

hmmmmmmmmmm

VERY inerestin`

My take: "Those that like the cuddle, are madly in love, and have wives the do not hit them on the head with a rolling pin"

I say change the word to skin warming ... "cuddle" as a word itself is a crock.

Here is a song I just wrote!

You can hold me - and get a little closer baby ... just keep your tongue away from my face ...
Teddy bear, just sit there, and don't fidget more than you have too ... and where is the remote control ????

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - Madly in love is nice. Rollin pins? Not so nice.

"Teddy bear, just sit there?"
Is this to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy? What's the tune? Inquiring minds want to know. Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head? What??!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

It's a Speedcat original, and I sang it as I wrote it. Maybe I can do a video for your blog this week.

(((smile)))

Speedcat Hollydale said...

BTW ... when I sing it, the style resembles "Barry White"

Travis said...

I don't cuddle.

I snuggle.

Lizza said...

It is what naturally happens after what naturally happens happens naturally.

Bravo! I like holding and being held, whether watching TV or a sunset. But I like hot s-e-x too. Terrific post, Mims.

Akelamalu said...

There are times when only a cuddle will do! And, what could be better than a cuddle with your children/grandchildren? :)

Lisa said...

My husband loves to cuddle. I'm a lucky gal.

Vodka Mom said...

you are SO damn funny.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - I await your video. Please tell me you will not be wearing chicken feathers.....No?
Cool!

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - Ohh....Barry White I can handle. Bring it on.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - And with a woobie and your lady. Right?

Mimi Lenox said...

Lizza - H.O.T. is better when it happens naturally.
Naturally!

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Well, cuddling with kids is different but lovely. Er...you know what I mean.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lisa - I would say so! Thanks for the visit.

Mimi Lenox said...

Vodka - I'm glad you see the humor in this. Your comments always make me believe that someone is getting my silly humor. And you do!
Thanks. It means a lot!!

Shannon H. said...

"No males were hurt in the making of this post."

Why not?

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannnon - That's a good question. They don't seem to mimd if they hurt us, do they?

Jamie said...

So much for cuddling, snuggling, and other non intimate intimacies. How about Kissing. You know, that stuff you do with your lips that a lot of men on first dates don't know how to do. There is a subject that will make steam explode from your ears in anger while racing for the front door ALONE.

the blogger said...

Cuddling in front of the tv usually means I can't see what is happening...so, I only go in for the cuddle if hubby is watching some sort of boring sport that I don't watch. Then he's happy enough if I cuddle him while he watches. Other than that, I don't see the need for cuddling unless it's after sex :-)

Michelle said...

ROFL

As an astrologer (kind of "ex" I haven't worked in three years) I can tell you Chinese year Dog guys do cuddle, well all those I've met have. One was just a friend, so he's lean instead. He'd lean against anyone he cared about, and since he was a really big guy, you could get kind of... squished.

Now I'm married to a Doggy and haven't been able to watch TV without an arm around me in seven years. Dogs just don't let go of anyone they love.

Trust the old saying - get a dog. ;-)

Mimi Lenox said...

Blogger - A former boyfriend of mine loved sports on TV. Some of our best times were on the couch while he watched and I....didn't. Ahem.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - I don't quite understand if you're angry at this post....?? or?? Please 'splain. I think you mean men don't know how to just do the simple things? (Honestly, some do. And do it well.)
Am I right?

Mimi Lenox said...

Michelle - Get a dog? Now that's funny....

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Is this not the place for a cuddle party?

Patti said...

You are too much, Queen Mimi.

Cuddle party? I'd recommend against it.

I'm a bit concerned about the Teddy bear in the computer. Are you sure he's OK?

bundleocontradictions said...

I don't like to cuddle anymore. Since making out is out of the question (Poor Hubby has dental issues), I like to have some fun & then have my space. Poor Hubby's a bedtime cuddler. Wants to spoon & hold me close & I can't stand it!!! Don't pet me or smother me! I want to go to sleep! ...My former fiancee would be shocked & amazed to find this comment. Poor boy.

Julie said...

Leave it to Mimi to find a site for Cuddle Parties! Oh my!

Oh...that scene from Pretty Woman was good!

*sigh*

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