Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Blogging Where No Man Has Gone Before ~ Queen Unzipped

WARNING: Approaching silliness.

Does it get any better than this?

Yes, it does. See?

Shhh! Do you hear a camera click?
What's she dooooinnngg in there?

You see.....I was stuck. Trapped. Unable to leave the tiny little room where all women go to do the unspeakable, the unbloggable, the unfathomable. Where complete strangers ask for a zip and zippers ask for a larger size. That's right. The ladies dressing room at the local department store. I had a rendezvous with a pantsuit or pencil skirt .....or two..
Have you ever tried to blog in black and white? Incognito? Quietly? You just want people to be polite and leave you the blog alone. And when they won't, all your senses wanna stand up on a chair in the middle of town and scream "I am a BLOGGER!!!!!"
This is what we do. We snap pics of every event in the known world and parts unknown. We create drama just so we can take a picture of it. Granted. Most of us don't bring the camera into the sacred fitting room...but....well.....it just seemed like such a perfectly silly thing to do. I needed adventure. Clandestine appointments with baby doll tops and bell bottom pants. Who could resist???

Certainly not I.

Could I make a blog post from hangers and sales stickers? Let's listen. Shall we?
Don't mind me. I just need to try on a few clothes.
We'll chat.

It's not often I have company in the sacred fitting room. I have been known to stay in a dressing room for hours. Mixing and matching, fluffing and accessorizing, turning and twisting. My general physician regularly prescribes anti-narcissism drugs just before I go to the mall. I have a shopping strategy so complete that it makes evacuation plans at The Pentagon look like a child's birthday party. I wear loose-fitting comfortable slacks and a button-up shirt with comfortable shoes. I gather all the clothes that could possibly fit me (like oh say...40 pieces or so) and do the clothes changing all at once. That's the only way. Synergy! If they'd let me light candles and play slow jazz I'd do that too. If there is a "limit" to the number of items you can have in a dressing room I won't shop there. Why? Because I refuse to pull tops over my head a million times, get re-dressed AGAIN and mess up my hair.

My local dept. store knows this is what I do - especially after painstakingly picking out a large number of dresses and tops one day, leaving them to go to the ladies room for five minutes and returned to find gone. Gone?! Hours of "work" gone!? Queen spoke with the management. It was not pretty. But this is fun fun fun! You're here! Welcome to my world of hangers!! We'll all just squeeze in this tiny little room and write a blog post try on Queen clothes.

Now guys...
Don't run away.
I have a special surprise JUST for you.....a little later in the post......This is fun! It's all about color and comfort for me this year....I was having soooo much fun that is...
Until I got my head stuck in the green silk top with the pearly white button.
There were only two arm holes and I apparently needed three. because I kept trying to find the other one. Have you ever had a cotton weave stuck to your back and a pearl stuck in your hair? It's maddening!

Don't tell anybody, ok?
What happens in the dressing room stays in the dressing room.
It's a rule.

Would one of you bloggers hand me my hairbrush please.
My hair is a mess!!

Hola! I'd like you to meet the Spanish flair skirt - a wild diversion from the pencil skirt today. I had to have one. And it was perfectly wonderful until the button flew off and hit my toe. "
$10%?? That's all the discount I get for a missing button? 10%??? What about a missing toe?!! Buttons are sharp."

I'm sorry, ma'am...that's our policy.
I'm a Queen you know!

"But it flew off right in my hand and hit my newly painted toe."
I was not amused lady.

10% ma'am.

After she'd ma'am'd me twice I didn't want to talk to her anymore....There's nothing worse than being ma'am'd.
Click! Click! Click! Flash! Flash! Click! There! Take that!
Which started a stir next door where two elderly ladies were debating the wisdom of push-up brassieres.
"Is she really taking pictures of herself? What is she doing? Do you hear that? Maybe she works here...." whispered the nosey neighbors in the cotton torture chamber next door.

Yes, (for the last time) I'm taking pictures of myself. Cause I'm a B.L.O.O.O.O.O.A.A.A.H.H.G.G.E.R.
I can bring home the blacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget you're a blog...er....or something like that.

And don't you forget it lady!

Do you really think I can't hear you through that little wall?
I see your feet for Heaven's sakes!
Nice toes by the way...

"She IS! Listen!" More giggling from the bra sisters.

So just for spite I clicked clicked clicked clicked a thousand times clicking and flashing under over and around the door knob, under and over the openings...flash! flash!.....er....flashing the camera bulb...you know what I mean.....I had my own lighted runway in a 4 x 6 cubicle. The music in my head played Lolita. The only thing missing? A rose in my mouth and a news report.
Isn't that why we're here?


I'm just trying to live in color in here....find the man of my dreams, a belt for my loop, a King for my castle, a seesaw for my saddle, a bell for my...my...whatEVER (probably not in the dressing room but it could happen)......I once had a boyfriend many years ago who had a fantasy about dressing rooms. Don't ask. But since I know one of you is going to ask....well, let's just say he chickened out after he dared me. He dared me! That is tantamount to war in my book.

Too late hotshot.
Oh the secrets that come out behind undressing room doors.
Would one of you bloggers zip me please? I seem to be stuck....again.....

Don't you think we should look at shoes? Cause really if I'm going to find a man in here I need to have shoes.

I think I saw these once in the Wizard of Oz curled up under a house.

How about these?
Wild huh? I like!

Ahh...that's more like it....

I think I'm in heaven.

Nope. It's the asphyxiation.....

Can I tell you a secret?
You won't tell, right?
Shoe shopping is better than you-know-what and I don't mean chocolate. You get matching accessories, no return hassle and a discount. Why didn't I think of this before?
Psstt! Gladys! Did she say......?
That's right, lady! I said shoe shopping is better than s-e-x!!! If you wanna know the rest of the story and what all my readers think about it AND YOU ...you can read my blog post and all their comments. There might even be a photograph of your stupid toe. That's mimiwrites dot blogspot dot com Bloggingham Palace US of A. Put that in your or baby doll and smoke it!
"Ma'am ....may I HEEELLLPPP you?"
She'd been summoned when the girl at the cosmetics counter who saw me taking photos of the handbags earlier and literally ran to tell on me. Nosey lady. Has she never seen a blogger in the flesh before? Why is it my fault? Can't a girl strike a pose if she wants? Is it illegal to photograph Gucci bags?

I had just picked up this lovely church-lady hat (just for fun) and taken it back to the fitting room
and wham! Busted.
"Do you neeeeedddddd something?"
I smiled and said,
"Nope. I'm good."

So I took my grandmother's wrinkle nose wink and went right back into the trenches....it was a tough job but somebody had to do it...

Red pants and ruffles....

pink lace and white pearls...

I have dresses to buy......and outfits to accessorize...
his is serious business buster.
Thank goodness The Bra Sisters were gone. We don't have time for their silly conversations about next year's prom and the size of their button holes. I think we've all been exposed enough for one day.

Did you say something? Shhhh!~ It's not your turn yet. You have to wait until the comments open up. Doesn't anyone care that I'm trying to cultivate a sultry look in here? It could come in handy one day soon.
I dimmed the lights and everything.
Some people have no respect for the blogworld. NONE!!!!

Not to mention the sanctity of my pencil skirt.

I'm just trying to blog....er....pick out a wardrobe.

And now for all you male bloggers out there. I'd like to give you some advice on the world of female shopping.

Five Rules of Shopping With A Female You Love

Rule #1 If your lady comes out to prance around and ask your opinion your job is to nod approvingly and say she looks fabulous in everything she tries on. It's really that simple.

Rule #2 Do not, under any circumstances, answer the "does this make me look fat" question. The only appropriate answer is "Are you KIDDING?! You look so beautiful I could make love to you right now. Close the door and get on the floor." This works to your advantage. She will be so enthralled with your answer that she will hurry up and finish the shopping just to go home with you as fast as she can. You save money! (Just get a headache later. We do it all the time.)

Rule #3 Invest in a set of pom poms. Cheer her selfless wardrobe shopping on as if she's Mother Teresa feeding the poor. I guarantee she will stop at the lingerie counter on the way out.

Rule #4 Do not, I repeat, Do NOT glance at, google at, wink at, drool over, accidentally trip, talk to, eavesdrop on or fixate on lumpy and umlumpy body parts of other women as they loll about in their new clothes. Read my lips. While shopping with your significant other, YOU ARE BLIND to the rest of the world.
And most importantly....

Rule #5 Hold her purse and take it like a man.

Now, if I could just get out of this shirt.
I'll see you tomorrow for an important announcement.
I promise to be zipped.


Linda said...

You have indeed taken us to where no blogger has gone before and where I try not to go ever if at all possible! It's all those mirrors ... I can't help it, I hate them! And they seem to hate me, too!

By the way, I loved the orange top in the picture before you started looking at shoes!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

How delightfully fun Mimi. I didn't like the skirt by the way. It made you look fat and I know that's not right. See, I can get away with saying that.

Love all the other clothes and yummy on the shoes. I'm glad you had a nice time and I hope you brought some of those lovely things home to your closet.

I'll await your announcement. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - Everything you see, I bought (except the shoes) and my favorite is the green top actually but I do love the orange. It's really more of a coral color.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I was in a silly silly mood.

Dawn said...

Look at all the pretty shoes!
Mimi you had a blast in there :)
LOL @ Hold her purse and take it like a man!!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - I am a size 4-6 petite! Fat? I don't think so. But I will admit to being a bit vain (ha ha it's true) so I removed the picture of the bottom of that skirt. Of course I did!
I loved the green and coral(orangey) and the brown pants and flowery blousey 60's shirt.

Next time we see each other we should go shopping. Shopping with blog girlfriends would be a blast.

FoxxFyrre said...

Let me see, uhmmm...I want to phrase this right. First off (and this is for the guys when shopping with their significant others) to my knowledge all larger malls have a food court, a high end electronics store, and a good book store. This takes a little planning, but go to the store with her and help carry all items (including purse) to the dressing room. It takes a few minutes for her to get herself ready and into the room. There will be a couple of follow up questions within that first few crucial minutes. Always answer with a "Yes dear" a "Uh huh" and "Didn't you also want to try on the baby blue top as well." Usually the answer will be a yes and respond with, "I'll be right back and get it for you." This is your one and only chance guys for the get away. You have exactly one hour and 37 minutes to make it to the electronics store, book store, and stop for a snack at the food court and then make it back just in time to place the blue top (Or what ever colour she had looked at but didn't take with her to the dressing room) and place it over the top of the dressing room door.
You must really pay attention to the item that she eyed up but didn't take with her (I think it's a secret test to see if you are paying attention).

Of he stores you have stopped at, it is important NOT TO BUY ANYTHING (and be careful not to spill anything on yourself at the food court). If you have done the above well, when she has finished shopping, you can then ask if she'd like to come and see some things at the stores that you have secretly window shopped at. Usually, she will oblige you but she will mention how long it's going to take. You go to your scouted stores, pick the items you want quickly, with maybe a simple question at her direction (I'd really like to get one of these because....) and she will usually say okay, or "How much?". If she does ask how much always say "It's on sale for....)". Hearing the word sale is usually enough to get a reluctant, "If you really think you need it."

The last stop is the book store. You then quickly pick out your reads, and then an additional book that you know she would like to read. She will love the extra thought you gave to buy her a book she really wanted. Yes guys, besides asking the clerk where the book is when you were first in the store, you must also do some homework (usually the week before the shopping spree) to find out what book she may be interested in reading.

That's my take on shopping with the spouse (but I'm not sticking to this story if asked ggg).

Have a great day Mimi

Mimi Lenox said...

Frank - I was afraid that men had a secret code for the shopping thing too. Is there nothing sacred??!!


Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - I did have a blast but it was exhausting! And I really did get stuck in the shirt! And laughed myself silly trying to get a picture of it. Oh Lord the things I do....

FoxxFyrre said...

I couldn't resist, but I'm now probably banished from the Secret Society of Men for breaking some code of honour rule. ggg

Skeezy said...

2 paws up on the gold and pink shooze: KYOOT! But even tho shoo-shopping is da titz, if yoo had a talented Mr Tasty Face of yer own yoo wood agree that shoo shopping comes in a distint secund to mattress dansing.

Skeezy said...

Oh, don't tell Mr TF I sed that or I'll git in trubble for blabbing.

Bond said...

Wow someone win the lottery??? that is a lot of clothes..and I like those first shoes...yummers

and Oh remember...they have mirrors and cameras in those rooms and a guy named Ralph is watching while eating another HoHo

Lois Grebowski said...

Loved it!

The shoes, the clothes, and taking photos where no camera has gone before....

Oh the insanity!!!!!
Love it!

Carver said...

I hate to shop but I enjoyed your fun post.

Akelamalu said...

OMG I started having palpitations as soon as I saw the shoes! You know I love shoes right? I'm in envy now. :(

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Armed with a camera in a dressing room...what do the assistants think?

Ferd said...

Isn't shopping fun this time of year???
It's the end of the season and everything is on sale, Sale, SALE!!!
I LOVE shopping with Princess Gail. I follow all your rules. I proudly hold the purse. And I would never care if I end up holding ten bags and hearing, "Look at how much money I saved!"
You're right. Princess Gail is in the best of moods at these times. I think you two would get along swimmingly!

Lee said...

Wow! Now I can say I've been shopping with a Queen!!

Got a little something for you over at my blog when you've got a minute to indulge one of your faithful subjects.

Babs (Beetle) said...

Sounds like you had a lot of fun!

Mimi Lenox said...

Frank - You're going to have to answer to the men I fear...Good luck....

Skeez - Mattress dansing...ha! And don't worry, I won't tell!

Mimi Lenox said...

Vin - Ralph??!! All I can say is he got his eyes full.

Lois - "Insanity" has been applied to me upon occasion. Do I care? Nope.

Mimi Lenox said...

Carver - I actually love to shop (can you tell?) except for groceries which I do once a month only.

Little Hawaiian Girl - I didn't mean to give you a heart attach dear. You and I would make grand shopping partners! The shoes...oh the shoes.....

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-luc - I don't ask. I just don't ask.

Ferd - Sounds like Gail is my kind of shopping girl! And you are a Prince for holding the bags.

Babs - I did!

bundle-o-contradictions said...

Wow, Your Highness, you have a lot more fun in a fitting room than I do! I think I've actually experienced anxiety attacks just walking past them... You lucky girl. ;)

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - You go with me next time. I dare you not to have fun. My sister and I have been shopping at times and can NOT stop laughing at the ridiculous things we do.
It's a family affliction.
And so much fun!

Patti said...

Ralph was watching while stuffing his face with a HoHo?? Not anyone I know, I hope.

The shoes are cute, but I can't wear/walk in anything like them. Sneakers are big with me, and flat sandals.

I have never had fun in a fitting room. Never.

This post is most creative, Your Highness.

Travis said...

I was with you...right up until the "hold her purse" thingy.

But you did post about shoes...and you know how I get all wonky about shoes.

I'll run the purse thingy by Pam and see what she has to say. Luckily she is not a foo-foo shopper.

Uhm...that foo-foo thing is going to get me in trouble, isn't it?

Anndi said...



I think the guy secret is appalling!

I question Vince's choice of pastry: HoHos?

foo-foo? Did Travis say foo-foo?

wait... shoes... shoes... shoes...

Ok, I feel better now.

I'd go shopping with you anyday.

Anndi said...

Oh... and Travis should take a cue from Brad Paisley's "I'm still a guy"

"Well love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of and in weak moment I might, walk your sissy
dog, hold your purse at the mall, but remember I'm still a guy."

There is nothing wrong with holding her purse. Sheesh!

blusteryday said...

I dont think this is strange at all - what a great post - A while ago I went shopping for an outfit for a wedding - undecided I took a photo in the mirror and text it to my hubby - whats do you think ?- his answer was Are you mad ?. I though he meant he didnt like it - isnt that what you would think - No he meant I was mad sending him a photo , Course then I ad to go back the next day and get in - Honestly Men !!!

Ralph said...

Mimi, you couldn't have possibly needed MORE shoes, could you?? Zebra shoes?

I don't need to under what motivates a person to take a camera with them when shopping...but that's spoken from a guy perspective!

Annelisa said...

Loved the patterned green top with the kind of flowerly design embedded in the 'rules of shopping'. Funny though, when I clicked on it to see the pattern better, it went to another blog entirely (send a message in a bottle blog)...not one of yours I don't think.

Good to see you are still enjoying life, shopping and nosey shoppers btw :-) And I love Bloggingham Palace at the top of the page - so you!

See you soon


Annelisa said...

Oh btw...ehm...not one pencil skirt in there? :-S

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Lady, you need to be talked down. A camera in a dressing room? I can see the headline: "Pencil Skirt Blogger a Perv. Film at 11."

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - I have no idea what that meant either but I'm sure it had nothing to do with Ralph.

Travis - FOO FOO??? The shoes are not FOO FOOO???? MEN!!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Anndi - I don't know what's wrong with the male opinion here. Ho ho's and foo foo's?? Maybe they thought they were in a sports bar.

And you're on. Me and you. Shopping. Anyday! And we'll most definitely take the blasted camera!!

Mimi Lenox said...

blusteryday - Exactly my point! Your husband really loved it I'm sure. Oh the silliness....

Mimi Lenox said...

Ralph - Yes, more shoes. Never enough shoes. I take my camera everywhere. Inspiration (well, if you can call it that) struck while I was in the dressing room. It seemed like a perfect pencil skirt post to me....the reactions have been all over the map. Queen is learning....heck no!...what am I saying? I had fun. The guys will just have to live with it...or not look.

Mimi Lenox said...

Annelisa - The flowery 60s top was one of my favorites too. Of course there were pencil skirts....umm...not to be shown here though.....maybe next time...Sooo good to see you. I've been worried about you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dear Mr. Ramabadran - Did you come to my blog to make a comment on my post today? Apparently so!! I'm so thrilled to see your spam here. I am equally honored to have your spammy presence in my dressing room.

I just want to say "Delete is everybody's birthright too!"

Welcome to my world and don't come back.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Talked down from what? Did I not warn you about this post last night? You can't say you weren't warned...and yet you are still shocked! I'm shocked!

Film at 11.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Holding purse and taking it like a man .... what a cool purse .... zebra stripes .... ohh look, some more charge cards ....

Smashing! Everything looks to be in order. It's just to bad that camera is always in fron of your lovely face :-)

Good ???

Hi Mimi !!!!!!!!!

(i am cat) ~

Speedcat Hollydale said...

"front" ... (syntax error)

Speedcat Hollydale said...

speaking very LOW .... he heee

Speedcat Hollydale said...

.... singing here in this blog now

" shopping, shopping with Mimi!"

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - I was so hoping you'd come back and sing in your deep bass voice. I was quite amazed at your bold video the other day. You really do have a great voice. Do you have a sunshiney song this time? We're getting lots of "Raindrops" here tonight.

And thank you, sir, for the compliment.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

SURE! ... and you are welcome me queen :-)

One Wacky Mom said...

OMG that is simply brilliant...I have never seen anything like it! I am duly impressed my friend! You have me to new heights of glory in blogging and I will never be the same!

You shine dear...you are the Queen of Shopping! And the Queen of Blogging!

One Wacky Mom said...

Did you get the shoes? The blue and red ones? Those are some fancy schmancy shoes my friend!

One Wacky Mom said...

What about the flowered top? And the bra sisters?

Clver...Did you say something? That's great! Some people have no respect for blogworld...with ya!

kellypea said...

Hey! thanks for stopping by my birthday post -- I appreciate it! You are quite brave taking on the dressing room. They are almost my least favorite place in the world next to the dentist and the gynecologist. Jeez. And you're a Petite size to boot? Trust me, I just might have been one of those other women with "rolls!" HILARIOUS!

Jeff B said...

"I once could see, but now I'm blind..."

That's how us happily married guys sing it anyway!

When the "Does this make me look.." question comes, I cut if off right there and finish it with, "..beautiful? It absolutely does!"

Yep, graduated man school 101, "How to live a long and healthy life" Thankyouverymuch

Mimi Lenox said...

Ev - I brought home a fall wardrobe...especially loved the flowered ruffly shirt and pants, the pinks, the coral/orange sweater I love (!) and shoes, yes....from yet another store...not this one. Did I mention the jewelry? I didn't show it but I found some unbelievable hoop and dangling earrings (the "Cher" look).

I seriously thought they were going to send for the security police because I took pictures.

I really need to shop outside of my own hometown....if I'm going to make a fool of myself in the store dressing room. Oh the humanity.

And oh what fun.

Mimi Lenox said...

kellypea - Dressing rooms are my friend. But I hate the gyno and the dentist!

Jeff - I like your answer to the 'am I fat' question! Perfect! Your wife is one lucky woman.

Margo Moon said...

Mimi Lenox - Shopper Extraordinaire and Supreme Spammer Bammer!

go girl

Mimi Lenox said...

Margo - These spamming people are getting more and more of a nuisance. I'm armed. I'm ready. Bring it on.

Deana said...

I seriously considered getting that exact D&B bag style. I love the red trim!

Star8278 said...

I can't even bear to take pictures in places like parks, cemetaries and other public locals. You are my inspiration.

The dressing room? What fun!

Desert Songbird said...

Sorry. I got so totally hypnotized by the shoes and the 75% off sign, that the rest of the post was a complete blur.

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