Thursday, June 19, 2008

Do Not Try This At Home




I am ready.






For fire. Hurricane. Tsunami. Flood. Famine. Plague. Locusts. Blog disasters of all kinds. And flood. I said flood, didn't I?

And that's what I had. A flood of epic Biblical gigantic minute proportions in the basement. Down where the prisoners live. In the dungeon. And not a one of them can swim! And who was left to save them? Moi. That's who.


Sometimes a Queen's gotta do what a Queen's gotta do. And there was no one else to do it. Homer couldn't do it. Who could trust a dog with such a task? You see. I was in a pickle. The servants gone for the weekend and wouldn't you know it? Catastrophe strikes. So I did the only thing I could in such a circumstance. I made Homer put his paw on the Bible and take the Queen oath until I returned, just in case things got ugly and someone needed a royal meme decision by proxy. And then, I did what any self-respecting pencil skirt would do. I dressed for the occasion.


It took a half an hour to untangle the face masks from the box and get them on but I finally did it. One on my face, one on top of my head, and the rest dangling down for backup. You always need back up in an emergency. I just pretended they were extra earrings and went on my way.

It was a mess. A burst pipe in the wall. The entire hallway flooded with water under the floor. The staircase closet was a swamp. Smelly, soaked Christmas decorations. Baby Jesus fell out of his bubble wrap and the Wise Men were looking none too happy. It was a moldy mess. Lizards were running everywhere and my Charles Dickens Christmas village was underwater. Somebody had to do something. It just wasn't right. So I went where no Queen has gone before.



Shut up Homer.
After the masks came the goggles. I googled goggles to make sure I was in proper gear mode. I was. See? But I soon became a tad disoriented and the room started to spin. Everything got real fuzzy and my brain was in under-drive. Do you smell smoke? It was not a good day in Bloggingham. I don't think I have this on correctly. Drats! Maybe I should google "scuba" instead.

Don't I look scary?

And things got really ugly. No one at Google told me about the hyperventilation problem or that this would mess up my hair. I needed help. I looked it up in The Self-Help For Blog Queens Dictionary Online. "Hyperventilation occurs when you do not have proper mental or atmospheric ventilation. In rare instances, asphyxiation can cause fainting and or death when googles are worn too tightly." I'd better hurry up and get this job done, I thought, before some blogger walks by and takes a picture of me looking like this. There's no time to lose.

I decided I needed tools.
Glorious tools! No one told me how much fun tooling would be but I knew with the proper weapons torturous memes tools I could rescue my friends downstairs
.
Scraping brush, putty knife, sharp object. And paper earrings that looked like cheap Halloween female body parts. Perfect! I had it under control.


Never fear, my little prisoners. They were putty in my hands!







Did you say something, Homer?
Yes, I said.....
That's what I thought you said. You're such a good royal dog. When all this drama is over I'm going to buy you a set of google goggles all your own. You'll be the talk of Bloggingham. Uh....Homer....have you seen my camera?
The moment had arrived. I was dressed and ready for action. It was time to descend the stairs and face the muddy music. Lizards or no lizards, somebody had to rescue Baby Jesus, who by this time was lying face down in a pile of water in the bottom of the closet where his manger shouldn't have been in the first place. And it was all my fault! And then it happened. Round about the third dungeon step my left earring got caught in the brush bristles and ripped in two leaving me with one naked ear and no matching pair.


How could I face Baby Jesus only half assembled? He deserves a cohesive Queen.

And then I did what any self-respecting soaking wet exhausted smelly half-dressed Queen would do.
I called a plumber.

Homer? Homer??! Homer!
Put that camera down!
I hope these don't get on the Internet.


 Copyright © Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

25 comments:

katherine. said...

I swear for a moment I thought you were wearing a bra on your face...

was the plumber cute?

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherin - It does appear to be "cuppy" in appearance, doesn't it? I so giggled trying to get those things untangled and thinking about what they looked like. Then that Homer had to steal my camera and take a picture. What am I gonna do with that dog?

And no, the plumber was not cute. He had long hair in braids, a bunch of tattoos and well.....no. Just no.

I started to offer him my bra mask but I coudn't stand the thought of it. EWww.....

Travis said...

But my Queen...what happened to the folks in the dungeon? And did you find the missing earring?

At least you didn't break any nails, or a heel, or rip the hem of your pencil skirt.

That would have been too much trauma for one Queen to handle.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Baby Jesus is looking after the prisoners in the dungeon for the time being. Last I heard, they all went for a swim.

ciara said...

that homer sure is nifty w the camera. ;-)

Linda said...

Have I taught you nothing yet, My Queen? You, yourself, do not need to go down into the dungeon and resuscitate Baby Jesus or the Wise Men - that's what you have meme-dodgers down there for! Next time throw the face masks and goggles at them and order them to clean the place up! Tell them that the one who does the best job can get out early for good behavior and then when the job is done play coy and act like you never said that!

Carver said...

I'm sorry about your flooding but hope it's all sorted out now. I'm glad I wasn't caught in your dungeon.

Charles Gramlich said...

Homer is definitely a Queen's dog. Oh, the loyalty. Does he have his own servents? I should hope.

Daisy said...

Did you say LIZARDS!?!?! I am there!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Have a ever mention that for a Queen you are way out there? Oh, I though I might have. Good luck to you, Homer and the prisoners. I'll send them a Christian E-card...

Mimi Lenox said...

Ciara - I'm so sorry I taught him the camera.

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - Sigh. I should have called you first.

Mimi Lenox said...

Carver - I could never put you in the dungeon. But thanks for the well wishes. It's under control.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles- Homer's servants had the day off too! Darn the luck.

Mimi Lenox said...

Daisy - A big black one ran right out of the Christmas bag. YUK! I knew I could count on you!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - You have mentioned that a time or two. I liked being out there. People know me there.

And just what I needed. One more Christian e-card....I'll see that Baby Jesus gets it. He's had a hard day.

Akelamalu said...

How brave you are Mimi, I'd have phoned a plumber! ;(

Bond said...

psssssssssssssssssssssst...don't tell her, but the night before i had orchestrated a massive rescue plan and all of the prisoners are now running loose in the kingdom...

Was the burst pipe part of the plan to keep her occupied so she would not notice them all gone?

I will never tell

Mauigirl said...

Mimi, so sorry to hear of your travails. Remember, Queens should just call "the man" and not try to take care of these things themselves. Glad yo ufinally got the not-cute plumber in!

We had a problem with our attic - two years of raccoons living there had trashed it - everything there was a lost cause. Once we got the new roof on and no more creatures could get in, we had a huge mess on our hands. Did we try to clean it ourselves? Heck no. We called in a service called "Rick's Cleanout." They did the job for us and our attic is pristine now!

crazy working mom said...

Hubby is a plumber. Should I send him your way??

Odat said...

Damn, I hate when things like that happen!!!

LOL at your outfit! Did you don big rubber boots too?

Hope it worked out for you.

Peace

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Okay, I'm still laughing over what Katherine said. A bra over you face. Bwahahahahahaha. On the serious side...Yikes I hate it when this happens. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Not brave. Stupid.

Bond - I knew it was you all along!

MauirGirl -Calling "the man" was the thing to do. Raccoons??

Tish - PLEASE.

Odat - Of course not, silly. I was wearing heels. Don't you read my blog??!!

Sandee - It was hysterical and serious at the same time. I don't think I've ever worn a bra on my face before....not that I can recall. Bloggingham is in shambles downstairs and it's all about the wardrobe.
Some things never change.

Patti said...

Always, always let men handle such predicaments. Sorry the one you called wasn't The Man.

How many prisoners were left down there swimming around? I am feeling badly for them right about now.

Anndi said...

I should have sent you MY plumber.

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