Wednesday, August 22, 2007

No, I Do Not Ride a Mule


Stop the presses. Lay down your pens. Hit the Save button.
I'm having an epiphany and I am unhinged. Uncensored. Unplugged. Un-me.

Listen, my friends. I know you're all trying to do your best to send Romeo my way and I appreciate it. Really I do. And please, keep trying to set me up with your cousins and brothers and dads and chiropractors because I'm telling you right now I can't take the online garbage any longer!!!!!!!!

Whew. I feel better.

Every week I scour the dating sites for funny misspellings and grammatical faux pas within the context of people trying to find a romantic connection - to write a daily blurb for Dating Profiles of the Day. I've done it since August 2006. I even researched while in a relationship - perfectly understood that I was not "looking" and I honestly didn't, as I wasn't remotely interested in anyone but my boyfriend (we did not meet on a dating site, by the way).

But now that I am single again, I can't help but look at it in a different light.
And the light is making me nauseated.

I need medication to even turn my computer on.

OH PLEASE.

I'm beginning to feel like the American Idol judges must feel when the crazies stand and sing wrapped in American flags and bird feathers. My friends, it does not get any stranger than this. You all have read
my other site. Do you realize that I leave the worst ones alone????! On the page? Too pitiful to see the light of day? Yes!

I am seriously investigating a nice little convent I heard about in New Mexico.



They don't have Internet service there; hence, no loco men landing in my email box. I once played a nun in an opera. I know all the moves. All the prayers. I can curse in Latin and everything. I can do this! I promise you I can.

But I cannot do this.

This....this.......game. In an honest effort to "get out there" and get over what needs gettin' over and get on with it, I have concluded that men are .....well.......fudge!
(That wasn't fair. I really don't feel that way. But I did for a second or two....)

As God as my witness, this is what I encountered this week in my research. In my single world the bulb turns thusly......

The profile headline read "No I Do Not Ride a Mule" - I couldn't resist. I looked at the picture. He was not kidding.
It was not a joke.
He was wearing a crooked cowboy hat and a smile, sitting on a horse as if to say Hi Ho Silver Away with a come-and-get-me look that made me want to trot to the nearest toilet.

Trust me, there was only one jackass in the picture.

I am not amused people!
(Please forgive me for yelling at you. I'm just so distraught.
Throws hand to head in a swoon of drama).
Is this my future?
Men who have to warn me that they're not riding farm animals?
After a while........I calmed down. Thinking it was just a fluke. Wrong. Read the next profile headline. Read it and weep.

Dissertation #2: "What Makes Me Tingle?"

You know he was not talking 'bout Novocaine.

But this one did me in. I am D.O.N.E. F.I.N.I.S.H.E.D. K.A.P.U.T. O.V.E.R. I.T.!!!!! You might want to duck. Flying grape approaching. But first...

What does Mimi want? What kind of man trips her trigger?

Allow me to daydream.

Rugged don't-want-to-shave-today-because-it'll-slightly-scratch-your-chin-but-look-like-a-million-bucks-in-a-suit-and-tie kind of guy when the time is right. I'll take out the garbage because you're a lady and shouldn't have to kinda guy. I-like-you-in-a-dress-and-heels but love it when you wear my T-shirt kinda male. How fast can I help you remove it? Somebody with a brain, knows how to use it and likes mine - a wicked sense of humor and can dance in the kitchen. And someone confident enough to allow me to wrap him around my little finger even though he knows deep down it's the other way around but never lets on. If we're in a dark alley I'd feel safe with this man, tuck under his arm and give a knowing-pat-for-later under his coat kinda feeling. I want a man who can knock me dead with a "look" before I get out of bed in the morning. I want to know he could scoop me up in his arms if need be (you know....mud puddles and speeding cars; typical Superman antics....not asking much)

and lay me down in a grass of wildflowers without wrinkling my pencil skirt.

In other words. A manly man.
Sigh.

Just when I'm feeling better, thinking about the prospect of dandelions
and dark alleys, I read this, "Hopelessly heterosexual. I am just gay enough to dress nice, smell nice and wear nice shoes."

The only thing I'm smelling is confusion.
I'd rather go out with the donkey.

May God have mercy on my pencil skirt.

34 comments:

Dan said...

LOL!! Yes, I guess I'd prefer a donkey and a pencil shirt to a metrosexual as well.

Hell, I'd prefer a donkey to any guy. After all I'm a guy! :)

Lizza said...

You made me giggle with this one, Mims.

Don't you worry that witty brain and wrinkle that pencil skirt of yours too much. You will find him (or he'll find you). And he won't be a stinking donkey.

Lance Riley said...

I Love your outlook on life, and the descriptions to follow! keep it up :)

Bond said...

Ah Mimi....you know that when you least expect it a call will come and you will drive that semi-short distance and be taken aback by what you find....
In a good way....

Chin up my friend...

Patti said...

Mules and donkeys! Oh my, Mimi. That convent must be looking better and better.
That man you dreamt up doesn't really exist. But you know that, right?

I agree with Bond ~ you'll meet someone when you least expect it.

Akelamalu said...

He's out there somewhere honey!

Mimi Lenox said...

Dan What's next? Lions and tigers and bears? Looking for the wimple and habit.....


Lizza I've met some jackasses in my time but this one was a piece of work. I'm giggling too!

Lance - Thanks. Gotta have a sense of humor.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - You are right....or at least I hope you are! This profile made me laugh and laugh. I'm still giggling....

Patti - I beg to differ. That man IS out there. I don't want a perfect man or a superhero. Just a guy. Just a guy who gets me and my pencil skirt.


Akelamalu - I believe so, yes. The journey is proving to be very interesting!

Mimi Lenox said...

Addendum: But you know what? If no guy "shows up" - I'm really OK too.
I'm comfortable and happy in my own skin and in my own company.

But my feet get cold and I long for romantic dances in the kitchen (and on the dance floor)....I'd be dishonest to say otherwise. I am such a touchy feely affectionate woman and I so miss that in my life. There's always the mule......

lol

Greg said...

Great post. Keep daydreaming... there's always hope. ;)

Anndi said...

I don't know if you felt better writing this, but you certainly cheered me up today.

I told a friend the other day: 'it's really when we're not looking that it finds us'.

You know, not many men a fit for a Queen (mister 'I-wax-my-unibrow-smell-nice-and-will-try-not-to-stretch-your-lingerie-when-I-try-it-on-and-oooh-those-mules-are-to-DIE-for-girlfriend' is kinda creepy).

Hi!

Joseph said...

God! I really hope that I'm not fudge.... otherwise, I'm going to have to have one very serious conversation with my parents.

- From one perpetually single person to another.

Patti said...

Mimi, you misunderstood me, I fear. I just meant that perfection as you described it does not exist!

Linda said...

And you have actually asked me if I ever wanted to try on-line dating! Are you kidding me??? Even if I had given it any thought at all past the one or two times I tried it in the past, it's stuff like this that would make me jump on my own horse and ride off into the sunset without a backwards glance! It's just too scary out there!

If you ever do find the guy you described, please tell me he has a brother!

Turnbaby said...

Dammit--Bond and Anndi took my lines--like that's a shock ;-)

Sugar--deep breaths---he'll come along

crazy working mom said...

Gosh, I'm so glad I'm married...you poor dear!!!

Travis said...

Awwwwww...hugs sweetie!

Mimi Lenox said...

Greg - Me thinks you take me too seriously.

Mimi Lenox said...

Toraa - Wow. I didn't know about all the mules in this world!

Anndi Glad to make you giggle. It made me laugh too. I agree about the creepy.

Joseph - I seriously doubt that you are fudge. Great blog, by the way.


Patti - Point taken. Sometimes my daydreaming gets carried away. Romantic fool that I am.

Linda - You and I should stick to whatever it is we're doing. It's working so well. lol....

Turn - I tried deep breathing! It turned to shallow panic. (just kidding!!)

Crazy Working Mom - Be glad. Be very glad! In defense of singlehood I will say that there is nothing worse,however, than being "with" someone you're miserable with. You are so blessed to be happy! Don't take it for granted.

Trav - Where are the sane men? I know! Maybe sanemen.com?? Perhaps there's a screening process somewhere I'm missing.....But ya gotta admit. It can be quite amusing in a story fodder kinda way. I wonder what I'll find tomorrow. Perhaps it will be my true love. Who knows??!
My curiousity is always in overdrive anyway. Not good for dating! Hugs back at ya.

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - About that brother. Mims is not sharing (lol).

I may need a spare.

Patti said...

A spare is always good in these delicate matters.
:-)

Anndi said...

The royals like an heir and a spare...

Kathleen Maher said...

You're asking for a lot, Mimi. Of course you deserve that much, minimum. But it'll take time to find out if any guy is really that good. Because if he SAYS he fits your fantasy, he couldn't possibly.
Well, don't pray too hard. I'm lighting a candle for you to St Valentine. Besides being the Patron Saint of greeting card manufacturers (what about florists?, he really is the Patron Saint of Sex. Those letters on the Feb. 14? Valentine would draw the names of local girls and try to match them up with his students. And on Feb 14th, Valentine made offerings to the goddess of sex and fertility, Februara Juno. (His family was very well off and important--the Church couldn't afford to excommunicate him so they sainted him. Or so I've inferred.)
PS My father DOES ride a mule now that he's had both hips replaced--maybe that's what the Marlboro Man was hinting at--he's still got his original hip bones. My dad rides a horse, too, but apparently the mule's easier to mount.

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti and Anndi - Exactly!

Kathleen my friend - Hmmm....I will take that candle-lighting prayer to the Patron Saint of Cards OR Sex! lol
Gosh...maybe the guy is just proud of his hip bones after all!
You're cracking me up.

Dixiechick said...

Awwwwww Mimi... I truly feel your pain... have been there and done all that... but fear not for one day when you very least expect it your Prince Charming will come...

SMOOCHES~

craig andrew said...

Hello Mimi,

For a moment there I thought you meant fudge in a good way... I thought, "mmmmm fudge." in a Homer Simpson voice. But, then I thought about it for a second and said, "Oh, that's very different." in a Gilda Radner voice.

I have always had the philosophy that I should live my life and if she came along, great, and if she didn't, that's fine too,.. at least I'll have lived my life.

But, that might just be me...

Sidney said...

You have good taste! I hope you find HIM.

Anonymous said...

Greg - Me thinks you take me too seriously.

Nah... We hardly know each other. ;)

Greg said...

Whoops... my pc is into the juice already.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dixie- hmmm....Not really pain. Thinking aloud. Just thinking.

Mimi Lenox said...

Craig - Great philosophy. And I really don't think all men are "fudge."

Mimi Lenox said...

Sidney - Are you making a fudge pun?

Mimi Lenox said...

Greg - Uh huh. Good one....lol

polliwog said...

I'm joining the man-of-the-month club. And I'm locking my heart up tight.

Your king is out there Mimi. He's looking for YOU right now too.

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