Saturday, May 21, 2011

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You The End of The World

So tomorrow - May 21, 2011 - is supposed to be the end of life on this planet as we know it. And if God is extra-terrestrial, omnipotent, omnipresent and effervescent, it should be the end of life on Mars too - and reality shows. You know, I've heard this sort of thing all my life. Every now and then some wayward religious Bible group calculates the coming of the Lord and other catastrophic calamities about to befall us all. Now I'm not disputing Scripture. Really, I'm not. But seriously. Do you really think Jesus would come in the middle of allergy season?
Doesn't seem right to me.

Can't they be more specific? I have plans tomorrow. If they can pinpoint the day and the year after all these millenniums and sordid crusades since the beginning of time, surely they can tell me if 2:00 pm is too late or too early for me to get a manicure. I do not want to go to Heaven without one.
Presuming I go.
If my great-grandmother were here to read this blasphemy, she'd tell me to paint 'em red and send me straight to hell without supper.

And what about us common everyday Christians who just have faith in God and all things pure and lovely that goes along with it. Do we get to go too?! Or do we stay behind to suffer in the fire and brimstone existence outlined right down to the last horrid detail like ordinary Presbyterians? I don't think I deserve to languish in torment while the earth is being swallowed up in natural disasters and sex scandals - that would be a total waste of blog opportunities.

Doesn't seem logical to me. 

And why is it called Judgment Day?  I've read the Bible from start to finish. Twice. That is not supposed to happen until the last Chapter. Even the Book of Revelation doesn't reveal the revelation or the end of time. Only the end of The Book. And besides, I only made it to Leviticus this time and I've read nothing thus far about plowshares, spoon-bending or calendar changes.

I like Lily of the Valley talk and peace-I-leave-you-peace prose better.
It's so much better for my blood pressure.

And besides, if the world were truly ending tomorrow, don't you think I'd know?

If there had been a foolproof accurate scientific formula-laden declaration of certainly, surely Apple would have made an App for it by now. I know the world is not coming to an end because my SmartPhone alarm is set for me to wake up on May 21st as usual. Steve Jobs  - obviously a Biblical descendant from the Book of Job himself - would have stopped the internal calendar at midnight Australia time May 20th, sent all calls to voice mail, and erased every last SD card on the face of the earth so the next species of man could not copyright him. 

Everybody knows that. 

Which reminds me, according to the sign-holding media-seeking prophets, I should be dead by now.
It's noon tomorrow in Australia already. I guess the Rapture Preachers forgot about those Down Under.

If Jesus had snatched up all the good people in the world, Google would have stopped googling hours ago and no one would even be able to find information on the end of the world.
Think about it.

And do you really think people with the Secrets of the Universe would be holding up cardboard signs on the street corner? I don't think so. They could have saved so many more of us by email spam. And seriously, didn't they think to Tweet?

If they're so full of wisdom, knowledge and mad mathematical skills, they should have been settling the dispute between Palestine and Israel instead of spreading fear among the teetering masses.  I would have enjoyed seeing that before my demise - even for one day. But perhaps a sacred calculator doesn't count what counts when it counts.

However, in spite of my skepticism, in honor of Doomsday I'd like to submit a list to the Lord of those people and things I'd love to see disappear tomorrow. It's a once in a fast fleeting lifetime opportunity. If you don't mind. Oh, I don't want Him to hurt anybody (like He would!)  I'd just like to experience my last day on Earth without their whining and posturing and evilness.

1. Osama Bin Laden (Oops. Too late.) 2. snarky telemarketers who hang up on me 3. Rush Limbaugh 4. the person who wrote "99 Bottles of Beer on The Wall" and 5. the ugly vegetable known as rutabaga.
It has to go. Really. 
I think I can put up with everyone else for another thousand years or so.

I will be up 'til midnight tomorrow night making sure I don't miss any epic global shenanigans.
If I do, I promise to report it, that is, if I'm still coherent after beaming to Heaven at the speed of light in the dead of night. It's a good thing I wear pencil skirts. They travel well.

I don't think I can adequately express my appreciation to Reverend Camping and his crew for speeding up the culmination of my Bucket List. Before tomorrow (which according to my Biblical calculations as reported in the Book of Numbers) I should really learn to to spell Apoca..Apaco...Apalcyl...Alpaca...Apocalypse. There. Pay my taxes, inspect my car, return my neighbor's mail, apply for a Visa and renew my driver's license.  I'd hate to be in jail when Jesus finds me.

I suppose they're entitled to their interpretation of course, I respect that, but couldn't they have at least provided us with insider trading tips, warned us ahead of time to use all our frequent flyer miles or constructed a foolproof lottery number formula based on some crazy simulated formula of 6, 6, 6s?
Even heathens deserve to know.
Who said left-behinders on the short list of life shouldn't enjoy their last days?

Somebody should have told me to empty my Bucket List bucket sooner. 
There's no time to call Hugh Jackman now.

I am not amused either with the mirthful way they are gloating over our impending doom. Nor do I understand why Julian Assange didn't scoop this information. It's highly unlikely that the Tribulation could begin without him. And did they have to scare all the children? There is not one shred of credible evidence that the world will end on Saturday.  Katie Couric left the CBS Evening News for parts unknown and Oprah did stop her show this week but I'm sure that's a coincidence.   We all know she has special privileges with The Almighty. Surely secret Scripture leaks are in her contract somewhere. Her name even sounds Biblical, like opera with oomph and style. Spelled backwards it is even more telling, mystical in a highly profitable backmasking kind of way; but really, don't you think she would have interviewed me first if she knew this were the end?

Sure she'd have to change her magazine from O to Uh-Oh if she'd made such a tragic faux pas but that's small potatoes for a woman of her apostolic influence.  And besides, she started a brand new television revolution on this highly advertised cusp of fire and brimstone.
She's too smart for that.

Doesn't seem likely to me.

I made a just-in-case list because I was raised in a home where put-on-clean-underthings-in-case-you're-in-an-accident was a daily reminder. Since this could be a rocky ride for sure, it's best to be prepared.  I'll start by having a wild fling with an Italian news correspondent at 12:01 am. If I'm still able to move and awake and alive by noon, I may do something even more shocking - like ride through town in lady Godiva fashion, abandon my celery and green leaf diet for 2 hand-tossed pepperoni pizzas or empty my bank account and buy an eternity's supply of samba dance records.  And oh, I'd better back up my blog. You really didn't think I'd turn off my computer just because it's the end, did you?

Not to quote Scripture or anything, but to everything there is a season (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
Apparently, this is the season for kooky people.

But just in case....I ain't drinkin' no Kool-Aid tomorrow.


Charles Gramlich said...

allergy season? I never thoguht of that but surely you are correct. I can rest easy I guess.

Berryvox said...

I often imagine myself at the end of the world muttering, "WTF...The Scientologists were right?"

Akelamalu said...

I don't worry about the end of the world as there's not much I can do about it. :)

We just got back from our trip and are in the process of downloading the 300+ photos and trying to decipher the notes I made of what we saw. Hopefully I'll post something about it next week. Such a shame we didn't get to meet up. x

Finding Pam said...

Mimi, I forget how wonderful you write. I had to chuckle at this post. You are such a gift to us all. Don't forget your clean undies.

maryt/theteach said...

You should have many more comments on that excellent essay on the end of the world, Mimi!

Jamie said...

Charming and funny as always even at the end of days.

I have to find the exact quote but a man was asked what he would do if he knew the world was ending. The reply, "I think I would continue to tend my garden".

Since this is Saturday, I will tend my garden.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Does this mean I won't need to write my blog tomorrow?

Anonymous said...

Are the Aussies still alive and kicking?

Red Shoes said...

Yeah... what Dawn said... surely they will go first...

I knew you would have something great written about this!


Black Cat said...

Mimi, you're the best! A perfect post which had Pinky and me in stitches. :)

The Gal Herself said...

Only you, My Queen, could compose a post that has both Julian Assange and a rutabaga playing integral roles. I bow to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Do.not.panic.

Berryvox - Ha!

Akelamalu - How was the south?? What did you see? Did you eat grits?? Please tell me you did. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - I actually think I said that to my own child once or twice. lol

Mary/Teach - Thank you. High praise from you! I would like my gold star now.....

Jamie - I love your elegant and simple response to the end of the world. How does your garden grow today?

Jean-Luc - I hope you wrote the blog....

Dawn - There were many visits from Australia on this post. So the answer is yes! Whew. That was a close one.

Red - I couldn't resist.

Black Cat - Thank you! Glad you and Pinky enjoyed it.

Gal - Giggling...The workings of my mind are a hodgepodge most days. I find I do my best writing when I don't censor. Well, I did resist saying a few things publicly in this post. Thank you.

Christine said...

Oh, I am so sorry I missed reading this post pre-rapture. I'm afraid I was out planting my garden. And today, post-rapture, I have planted more. It seems we are still here. Even post-rapture your post was most erudite and wildly funny.

Ferd said...

Me, too, bummer I missed it.

So you can go ahead and paint 'em red. There is apparently time to ask for forgiveness later! ;-)

Jobi and Fisher said...

I put in my vote for the End of the World "as we know it!" Peace and love to all...Hey, it could happen.

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