Friday, September 17, 2010

When September Lay Still

So I've been writing this post for days now, in my mind, as I step outside the house in the mornings and notice the sudden chill. Fall signs. The sky looks different this September. I know why and it's perfectly normal but I don't want to write it.

It's just that each day now when I look at the calendar I understand and feel the urgency of a September lived long and wide awake by the bed of my father who lay so still so still so still...... And I see the covers kick..... smell the third floor bedpans...remember the fatigue and the unspoken knowings of grief that went along with what I really couldn't say to the man in that horizontal bed of confinement. Lies. Lies. All lies.
"Oh, you'll feel better tomorrow, Daddy. The doctor will come in and we'll talk about home."
"Maybe the new medicine will help the swelling...We'll see."
More lies.
And then by the end of September there was no use making his bed with lies.

He must have felt abandoned. Did he? He finally gave up. The covers stopped kicking. One night they stopped.

I fell asleep in the chair and tried to pretend we were home and that all I had to do was listen to him snore. But that night was a horror. I felt terribly guilty for falling asleep by the bed because I was so tired thinking he would drift off eventually and stop calling out but he never did. He needed me. I needed to sleep. It was a vicious cycle. Maybe, oh, maybe I failed him. I think I failed him. He called another's name. She wasn't there. I couldn't make him understand. I pretended to be the one he wanted. His eyes searched for her. I told him she was there. And then I couldn't fool him anymore. By 3am the horrors began as the morphine coursed through a frustrated man with nothing to do but wait for the next injection and make nightmarish scenarios of stealing away in the trunk of my car and going home.

He just wanted to go home.
He just wanted to go home.


Finding Pam said...

Mimi, you did not let your father down. You became an awesome woman and a pencil skirting, Peace Globe trekking Queen among Queens.

I hate that you would even feel that way. I am sure that the morphene made it so surreal for him. I like to think that when he was searching for her eyes that she came to take him home.

Some how God takes unbearable pain and sorrow and in time turns it into great memories and joy.

My faith sustains me and I know one day we(my family) will all be together again.

Blessings to you,

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - Thank you. That one particular night is the worst in my memory and several weeks before he passed. You know he came to me in a dream after he died to comfort me....remember that? And I know that he doesn't want me to remember these things. It's just something about the weather this week that has caused me to remember. I've tried to stuff it into silliness and make it go away but the truth is I needed to write it down.
It was so painful to watch. He was not my father. And as much as I hate the way he left, I wouldn't bring him back in that condition for anything.
To change and heal and make him better, yes, oh how I wish...but not to suffer like that.

Thanks for the comment. Love you too.

Charles Gramlich said...

We've really had only one cool morning so far. I could use some more. But it does turn your thoughts toward more melancholoy things

"Lois Grebowski" said...

My night was in November 2007. It wasn't until a month ago that I could talk about it without going off in hysterical bawling.

I'm tearing as I type this, but not hysterically bawling like I would be otherwise.

All I can offer are hugs and love, my friend... and say I'm sorry you and he had to go through that.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Mimi, you write so beautifully. I am so glad you wrote what you needed to, to remember your father. He came to you in a dream to comfort you because he wanted you to know he was all right, and to be all right yourself. Grief is a tough one, hard to wade through. But somehow we do. Your September sky photos are beautiful, and of the spirit. And so is your father. Now flying free.

Akelamalu said...

Oh Mimi I'm sorry you're still hurting so.

I was with my mother when she passed, in similar circumstances to your Dad,twenty-two years ago and in my dreams I still relive those final moments. :(

You're not alone m'dear. x

dawn said...

Hugs... lots of hugs.

Linda said...

There's a reason that Green Day sings, "Wake me up when September ends" as the song was written in regards to the singer's father passing in September and he just didn't want to face the month anymore even after seven years. Personally I hate Februarys as that's when my Dad died but things have gotten a tiny bit easier though it's taken time and it sometimes seems like a ten steps forward, five steps back sort of thing.

Hang in there and know that your very proud father is looking down at you free from his earthly toils and enjoying his reward for a life well-lived. I'm sure of it.

The Gal Herself said...

Oh, Mimi, is there anyone in the world more bereft than a Daddy's Girl who has lost her Daddy? You did the best you could under impossible circumstances, and you did it with love. Your father expected and wanted no more from you than that.

Hang in there, my Queen.

Mauigirl said...

Sorry you are still feeling the grief but I understand how you feel...lost my mom at the end of May, and I can't get it out of my mind, her last day, her last breath...And I felt the same way, that I somehow let her down but knew that she wouldn't have wanted to go on the way she was. I just wish she could have gone home one more time instead of dying in the hospital.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - It does indeed. It is my favorite season as well.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - And a big hug back to you. Nobody really understands unless they've watched someone go through it. I'm sorry you have those matter how we frame it or try to re-frame, it's still painful at times.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sherry - "Now flying free"...thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Alelamalu - By the time he passed in October he was in a coma...The last few days were quiet and somber.
I cradled his head and held him when he passed and I swear I felt him leave this earth.

That is a moment I do not regret and never will.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - I feel them. Thank you and back to you in your own painful September month.

Mimi Lenox said...

Thank you, Linda. - I take comfort that he is enjoying a new realm of existence and exploration. I'll bet he has bases to run.

I will continue to record my thoughts here as I remember them.

You were a daddy's girl (and a grandpa's girl as I recall). You know the feeling well.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I have no regrets about my time with him. But sometimes the memories are overwhelmimg and I have to put them to the page.
Thank you.

Travis Cody said...

Do not do this torture. Do not.

Here me?

You did your best. You were there.

And now he is home. He runs the bases now, remember?

Mimi Lenox said...

Yes, Dancing Bee. I remember.

Ferd said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mimi Lenox said...

Mauigirl - I am reading through posts tonight and noticed your comment from last year that I did not address. I am so sorry. I did not know you'd lost your own parent just before this.

I hope you are doing well now and thank you for your kind words.

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