Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday Mimisms ~There is still no shower in the car

I think this is the part where I tell about my weekend. Saturday alone could be an epic tale of hilarity.....or woe.... depending on how you look at it. I choose hilarity. Please feel free to guffaw.
Here it is in a nutshell. I suggest you brew strong coffee and add tequila.


I'm calling it National UGH Day.

9:00 am Ex-husband arrives unannounced. This is NEVER a good idea and always a disaster. When will he learn to knock?
9:01 Migraine is pounding at my door. Compliments of you-know-who.
10:00 I escape to the end of my driveway to go for a long-awaited hair appointment. I realize I am not wearing lipstick which is NEVER a good idea and always a disaster.
I reach in my purse and drop bright red lipstick on my new white shirt.

10:01 Turn around frantically trying to get back in the house to get it out before it dries. Googling lipstick stain. Inane computer connection won't connect six times in a row. I said bad things about Verizon. Bad bad things.

10:15 Lipstick dried.
10:16 I said more bad things about Verizon.
10:17 I put fingernail polish remover on it and start the washer....
THEN Google tells me finally I should have used dishwashing liquid FIRST.


Thank you, Mr. Google.

10:20 I leave the shirt to soak and say 3 Hail Marys to make up for the cussing.
10:21 I leave AGAIN.
SIDEBAR: **I forgot to tell you about the floor** I'm stripping the hardwood and re-polishing the floor. Board by board by board. Just call me Cinderella. It is a huge area including 2 hallways. It will take longer to get this done than it will take them to collect all the oil in the Gulf. Why is this important? Because...

10:22 In the car. I break out in hives. Apparently from the floor cleaner on my skin.
10:22 In the car. I text 2 Johnny-on-the-spot friends.

"Hives. Tell me I won't die."
"Take Benadryl and shower, now" said the voice of calm.

I have no Benadryl or shower. I am in the frickin' car!!

10:23 I get my priorities straight and go to Dillard's to find the last white shirt in my size just in case the lipstick won't come out. I told you. Priorities. Of course, they no longer have the shirt. I buy pants instead. Don't ask me why. Remember, my brain is fumigated at this point.
10:40 I am itching now.
10:41 I need iced tea from my favorite place WAY across town because tea fixes everything.
They are closed.
10:50 I cuss. Daintily.
10:52 I look in the backseat. There is still no shower in the car.

10:53 Once again, priorities overtake my senses. I pass by 3 drugstores en route to the hairdresser. I'm pretty sure one of them had some Benadryl - and yet I pass them by. Anyway...I know that if I take the stuff before I get a haircut I won't be able to sit up in the chair or drive and would most likely get arrested for DUIB (driving under the influence of Benadryl). Follow my logic, Bloggy People?
**Just nod. I will see you.**
11:00 She takes an inch instead of 1/2" and tries to sweep it out of sight before I see it because she thinks it will "look better. You'll see!" I am not amused. I need that extra inch to cover up the hideous rash on my arms. Can't she see that???!

11.15 I am completely IrRASHional by now.


12:00 I decide that perhaps it was my ex who gave me the hives and not the chemical. After all, I am still breathing and thinking in a most sophisticated manner with all my priorities intact.
12:05 I drive home. The stain is out of the marvelous shirt. There is a God!!

12:10 Overjoyed and itching, I decide to ignore the hideous sight I have become and take Match.dumb pictures outside in the sun before I wither into a further mess and can attract no man at all.
Follow my logic, Bloggy People?

3:00 pm After 30,398 pictures posed outside in the sun....the sun....the SUN. That's it! It wasn't the chemicals, it wasn't the ex-husband. It's just a sun rash on my lily white Queen skin. Whew! I was attacked by the sun. Oh joyous day! Thank goodness I didn't buy the Benadryl or my faculties would have surely gone awry.

3:01 I hate all the pictures in the camera.


I told you it was a disaster.

33 comments:

Jamie said...

Every single thing you did was perfectly rational and restrained considering the circumstances.

Talk softly Homer, it's best to keep them soothed at times such as this.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - Who said I was restrained?!!!!

Eternally Distracted said...

Who needs calm when you can have irrational... it's so much funnier (esp when it's happening to someone else!)

Travis Cody said...

And in your rational condition, post-haircut and post-sun realization and sans Benadryl, did you re-examine the haircut and find it to be "you'll see" satisfactory?

Jay said...

I think you should post all 30,398 pictures for us to see your new haircut. That way we can tell you if your hair stylist was right or not. ;-)

Mimi Lenox said...

Eternally - I totally agree. Rational is boring.

Mimi Lenox said...

- Travis - I re-examined. I like it. It hardly looks like I've had a haircut at all. That's why I like it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jay - Ummm...I think not. It would take all day to crop out half my face at which point I'd have 60,796 pictures and 1/2.

Akelamalu said...

Phew, I was itching with you! :0

♥Georgie♥ said...

This sounds like many of my days as of late...plus I LOVE a day that ends at 3:01!

bazza said...

You call that a bad day? That's not a bad day! We (England, that is) just got dumped out of the World Cup by the olde enemy, the Hun, the Bosch, I'm talkin about them Germans.
They did not just beat us; they humiliated us, they wiped the floor with us, they crushed us, they showed what a team can do to a bunch of highly over-paid but uninspired 'stars'.
I would glady have covered my best three shirts in indelible lipstick to reverse that.
That's it! Rant over. Sorry to use your web-site to let off steam but, there you are!

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Is there Reiki for hives?

Mimi Lenox said...

Georgie - Me too! On Sunday I blew a lightbulb and accidentally set off the alarm system in the house when I broke a plate with a watermelon.

Story for another day.

Mimi Lenox said...

That is a great FB status. Thanks for reminding me!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bazza - I am sincerely sorry that the Germans trampled upon the likes of your countrymen.

Is that better?

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I have a shower in my car, how come you don't in yours?

You and Jay are friends because you sat On The Couch one Monday, right? right?

The Gal Herself said...

At least the white shirt is OK. I ached as I read that part -- even more than when I read about the itchy hives. For I have a white shirt that I love so much I will never wear it, just to avoid a harrowing tale like yours. (Can you follow the logic there?)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

National UGH Day should be on our calendars...I think it's known as Monday at the moment.

Mimi Lenox said...

- Vinny - I will need to ask for that luxury next time.
Yes, Music On The Couch!
Jay is a cool guy.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - LOL. I can follow the logic. You've been around here so long you are starting to talk Queen talk. What is scary is that I understand you perfectly.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - I always hear a collective groan from the Universe on Monday mornings. Well said.

Vodka Mom said...

Let's swap places and see if anyone notices.

Julia Smith said...

I'm glad you can swear daintily, Mimi - that's no small thing!

Michelle said...

Ahh, but the worst days often make the best blog posts. ;-)

Hope your days are far saner at the moment. I saw an award up for grabs that is such fun - you got to add this to your "to do" list! :-) Really.. it'll make you smile, honest! ;-)

hthttp://sagittiferouslyyours.blogspot.com/2010/06/plastic-joy-and-imaginary-sex.html

coopernicus said...

i think you should share said fotos and let us judge their alleged awfullness...

And Miles To Go... said...

I agree, share the photos. But look on the bright side, you have a new haircut AND new pants!

Mimi Lenox said...

Vodka Mom - We are a bit alike, aren't we....

Mimi Lenox said...

Julia - Well...perhaps I exaggerate. Perhaps.

Mimi Lenox said...

Michelle! - I just read the blog post title in that link. Michelle!! lol

Going right over...

Mimi Lenox said...

Coopernicus - Uh huh. I prefer to remain a half mystery.
For now. But I've been known to offer them up upon request. Of course, those people didn't live long enough to cause me any trouble, but still...

Mimi Lenox said...

Miles - I do like my haircut. It's barely cut. She was right. I must admit.

I like the pants. They are straight-legged with buttons from calf to ankle. Interesting....

Cogitator said...

Cardigans that unbutton down the front, I can relate to. Bras that unhook at the front, yep. Pants that undo at the fly, yeah.

Buttons from calf to ankle? Takes all sorts.... :)

Mojo said...

I'm not sure the chemicals didn't get to you after all. Otherwise you would have let me take the pictures.

Honestly, Mimi... *sigh*

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