I think this is the part where I tell about my weekend. Saturday alone could be an epic tale of hilarity.....or woe.... depending on how you look at it. I choose hilarity. Please feel free to guffaw.
Here it is in a nutshell. I suggest you brew strong coffee and add tequila.
9:00 am Ex-husband arrives unannounced. This is NEVER a good idea and always a disaster. When will he learn to knock?
9:01 Migraine is pounding at my door. Compliments of you-know-who.
10:00 I escape to the end of my driveway to go for a long-awaited hair appointment. I realize I am not wearing lipstick which is NEVER a good idea and always a disaster.
I reach in my purse and drop bright red lipstick on my new white shirt.
10:01 Turn around frantically trying to get back in the house to get it out before it dries. Googling lipstick stain. Inane computer connection won't connect six times in a row. I said bad things about Verizon. Bad bad things.
10:15 Lipstick dried.
10:16 I said more bad things about Verizon.
10:17 I put fingernail polish remover on it and start the washer....
THEN Google tells me finally I should have used dishwashing liquid FIRST.
10:20 I leave the shirt to soak and say 3 Hail Marys to make up for the cussing.
10:21 I leave AGAIN.
SIDEBAR: **I forgot to tell you about the floor** I'm stripping the hardwood and re-polishing the floor. Board by board by board. Just call me Cinderella. It is a huge area including 2 hallways. It will take longer to get this done than it will take them to collect all the oil in the Gulf. Why is this important? Because...
10:22 In the car. I break out in hives. Apparently from the floor cleaner on my skin.
10:22 In the car. I text 2 Johnny-on-the-spot friends.
"Hives. Tell me I won't die."
"Take Benadryl and shower, now" said the voice of calm.
I have no Benadryl or shower. I am in the frickin' car!!
10:23 I get my priorities straight and go to Dillard's to find the last white shirt in my size just in case the lipstick won't come out. I told you. Priorities. Of course, they no longer have the shirt. I buy pants instead. Don't ask me why. Remember, my brain is fumigated at this point.
10:40 I am itching now.
10:41 I need iced tea from my favorite place WAY across town because tea fixes everything.
They are closed.
10:50 I cuss. Daintily.
10:52 I look in the backseat. There is still no shower in the car.
10:53 Once again, priorities overtake my senses. I pass by 3 drugstores en route to the hairdresser. I'm pretty sure one of them had some Benadryl - and yet I pass them by. Anyway...I know that if I take the stuff before I get a haircut I won't be able to sit up in the chair or drive and would most likely get arrested for DUIB (driving under the influence of Benadryl). Follow my logic, Bloggy People?
**Just nod. I will see you.**
11:00 She takes an inch instead of 1/2" and tries to sweep it out of sight before I see it because she thinks it will "look better. You'll see!" I am not amused. I need that extra inch to cover up the hideous rash on my arms. Can't she see that???!
12:00 I decide that perhaps it was my ex who gave me the hives and not the chemical. After all, I am still breathing and thinking in a most sophisticated manner with all my priorities intact.
12:05 I drive home. The stain is out of the marvelous shirt. There is a God!!
12:10 Overjoyed and itching, I decide to ignore the hideous sight I have become and take Match.dumb pictures outside in the sun before I wither into a further mess and can attract no man at all.
Follow my logic, Bloggy People?
3:00 pm After 30,398 pictures posed outside in the sun....the sun....the SUN. That's it! It wasn't the chemicals, it wasn't the ex-husband. It's just a sun rash on my lily white Queen skin. Whew! I was attacked by the sun. Oh joyous day! Thank goodness I didn't buy the Benadryl or my faculties would have surely gone awry.
3:01 I hate all the pictures in the camera.