Monday, December 7, 2009

Monday Mimisms ~ Ala Recuperation Bloggingham



Now I ask you.

Do you see anything remotely resembling a nurse here? But it's my fault. I forgot to unlock the dungeon door before I went to the hospital-from-hell and had my blue/green thingy out. That's medical lingo for gallbladder. Consequently, Homer is stuck down there with no way to get up here to help me and I can't descend the stairs (doctor's orders). What am I gonna do??!

I am so sick of his howling!

It's just as well he's there. He's heard this story a thousand times already. Yeah, Homer, I know it's you listening in on my phone conversations. Join the crowd. It went something like this...

"Put this on."


You've got to be kidding.

They weren't kidding.
Look at my socks.
They don't even know how to dress me.
I'm trusting them to remove a vital organ??

It was 5:30 in the morning. My hair was a mess. I was not amused.But I am nothing if not brave.

Look. I know there are nurses that God sends down from Heaven on a regular basis, but the day I landed in the OR was not one of those days. How would you like to hear this when you wake up from surgery?
Nurse #1 "I don't think she's breathing right."
Nurse #2 I don't think she's breathing at all."

My son was not amused.
Back I go to the Recovery Room. Shouldn't they have been able to tell if I'm breathing before they let me out the first time??! Big Baby Boy (seen here being a smart alack wearing a mask) said they argued for five minutes about the state of my respiration and all I could say was something about calling the blogger bees.
I am nothing if not resourceful.

During one of the most unQueenly moments of my life a nurse actually told me, "I have other patients to deal with." "But my arm HURTS. You have to use small needles in my veins, Nurse Ninny, I'm trying to save us all a lot of trouble here." Several sticks later and a search for veins that would have put Columbus to shame she added, "Be still. It's all in your head."
I kid you not.

My son was on the phone with my blog buddies at the time and reading text messages, trying to figure out how people from all over the country I'd never met knew more about my anatomy than he did. He was so confused! And even in my drug induced state of nonsense I remember him laughing hysterically. "Mom, one of your internet friends said not to worry about the nurse. Something about goat voodoo?" ....Finally! Some people with some sense! I thought. I hope Ann made a big ole' batch for Nurse Ninny.

"What is Reiki? Somebody in a grass skirt just sent you some from Hawaii...maybe England. Is Kat really a cat? And Mom, who are Bruno and Guido? Bees? Bees?! You have strange friends, Mom......Anyway....they want to know if there is padding on the walls. "
Very funny, my friends, very funny. I lose my ning and you're making jokes. How many of you actually still have your nings? I'll bet not many. Hell hath no fury like a ning-less Queen ya know!

Just before I slipped into that nice fog of unknowing, they asked if I had a religious preference. That was comforting. Their timing really stinks. I looked at her as seriously as one can wearing nothing but blue paper and a rubber-banded ponytail and said, "Preference? Yes. Somebody better be praying to Baby Jeebus!" (hat tip Starr)
She laughed and warned the psychiatric ward of my impending arrival.

I am now on week 3 of Ala-Recuperation-Bloggingham. I no longer need drugs that make me see waterfalls on the wall and spiders in the bed (yes. really) but I'm beginning to think they extracted my fun bone. I know I used to have one. Friday I got to see a picture of my very own liver. It was beautiful! The other-thinga-ma-bob ...not so much. But it could be worse. Without this little adventure I might never have discovered that goat voodoo really does work and my body CAN function without wearing earrings for twenty-four hours. I'm working on my new diet of bland this week and hiding bags of Cheetos and boxes of chocolate covered cherries for later. Somebody needs to get over here and rescue Homer from the dungeon. He's running up the phone bill down there. I don't know why he's been doing internet searches on voodoo and....and....


Why am I craving goat cheese?

29 comments:

mielikki said...

We have Homer, he is one of us...
If you'd have let me out of the dungeon, I could have come and be your nurse. I even have small needles, I know when people are breathing properly, and I LISTEN to my patients.
Instead,
I'm playing with Homer...

(hope you're feeling better)

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

You are very brave. And resourceful. And funny. And I am GLAD you are feeling better :)

Mojo said...

Oh.no.they.didn't.

You let me find that Nurse Ninny. She won't be playing voodoo doll with anymore Queens when I'm done with her!

Glad you're feeling better. (And able to form complete sentences again!)

Patti said...

Your ning? Sorry you lost it. No Queen should be without her ning.

(What's a ning?)

I do hope you feel better soon. I haven't been by lately and didn't know you had to wear blue paper and mismatched socks and undergo an operation and all kinds of horrors. Sorry to read this.
I'm glad your son was there with you.


I can't imagine why he would think you have loopy (loony, silly, unusual) blog friends.

I don't think you lost your fun bone. Around here we call it funny bone, but whatever... ;-)

Charles Gramlich said...

I don't know, it seems you came through with funny bone intact. Glad you are on the recuperation highway.

jennifer said...

Mimi, you need a little 'boring' in your life. Just a smidge. I'm sorry you lost your blue/green thingy. Such a lovely color combination but I'm sure you will make it fine without it.

Prayers for your speedy recovery!

Mimi Lenox said...

Mie - I forgot you were down there too! And you're a nurse!!!
Oh.My.Lord.
I could have had real medical care instead of all this calling for delivery and whining on the phone to my mother.

I'm sure you are a fabulous nurse!
Truly, they did not listen to me.

I'll go unlock the door now so that you can come up. Yippee!!

P.S. Leave Homer down there.
He gets on my nerves.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - I thank you so very much. I am trying to find my funny again.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - I am so glad to be away from her. We had "special" words...it was nice. Not. Just not.

Thank you for your kind words though.

Mimi Lenox said...

Princess Patti - I intentionally called it "fun" bone because I'm not having any fun right now.
More whining.

Thanks for stopping by, my friend. I could use some royalty here.
And a nurse!

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Thank you. I try.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jen - Don't I know it? Boring...that's a concept I haven't known for quite some time.
2010 is my year. It's on the Chinese calendar and everything.

Desert Songbird said...

That Anndi; she's such a wizard when it comes to voodoo and goats. She worked her wizardry for my daughter's sake. I highly recommend Anndi over Bruno and Guido (sorry, Bond!). You can't beat the goat voodoo.

Akelamalu said...

LOL you may have lost your gall bladder but you've got your Mojo back Mimi! Good to hear you're recovering - I'm still sending Reiki. xxxx

Mimi Lenox said...

Songbird - I am a believer in the goat voodoo...I do I do I do...

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - I'm glad you're laughing dear one. I've had to explain voodoo, Baby Jeebus and Reiki from across the pond to my son because of all of you.
He thinks you're very cool!

The Gal Herself said...

I'm not surprised that you have a good looking liver. Let me know if that photo helps you with men. As in, "Psst! Would you like to see a beautiful liver?" After all, it would be nice meeting Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now, came of all this agita.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I like the way you think, Miss Gal. I think I should carry the liver photo with with me next time I go out. Great idea!..and try that line.

"Agita" is right.
And yes, meeting Mr. Right or Right Now would be most excellent.

Starrlight said...

Anndi and I need one more Greek and then we can be the Fates. Remember we added the evil eye as well!

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - I remember! That might even trump the goat voodoo. Kat and Songbird said something like "get me that number and tell me their names!"...but I cleaned that up.

A lot.
Maybe I shouldn't mention it here.

coopernicus said...

I had my ning surgically altered by Dr. Lecter....that's why I'm like this...

Mejis said...

Homer has plenty of company in the dungeon...including me. No, I'm not bitter.
Goat voodoo...interesting. I might need some of that.

Tarheel Rambler said...

I filed a complaint on your behalf with the Royal Solicitor and asked that he prosecute Nurse Ninny to the full extent of Bloggingham Law...and if possible go for the death penalty. He told me that although stupid is forever, it's not against the law. However, he did suggest training more of your royal subjects in Goat Voodoo to exact Royal Revenge.

Bond said...

Go on see how far some voodoo will get you..Bruno and Guido have had their feeling hurt and have left the state...

Mimi Lenox said...

Coopernicus - And this is my future??! Oh the humanity.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mejis - It is highly powerful. But so are Bruno and Guido. Do you know them?

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - I personally don't know how the voodoo works but I have been a fortunate recipient of its forces.

Bruno and Guido are always here as well...and they're cute too.

Thanks for complaining for me. I'm sure Nurse Ninny is sorry now.
REEAAALLLL sorry.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - Say it ain't so! I'm sure Songbird didn't mean anything by it. I can see them now. They're standing outside on the mountain right now - standing guard.

Long live Bruno and Guido.

Anndi said...

*snicker* Badmouthing goat voodoo is not a smart thing...

Starr is right, we need another Greek and our power will be boundless.

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