Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Daddy Is Gone


Breathe in......Breathe out....
7:15 am October 27, 2009
When I step outside his room and close the door, it is just like he is still here and I am a teenager trying to sneak past the famous snore ......which always assured me I had time to make it back to my room without getting caught. Somehow this morning I am still in our house and he is still here and I am safe in my bed across the hall in this makeshift room.
So I will do now what I always did then.
A journal. A flashlight. A pen.



7:20 am Today is not a good day to be in a coma Daddy..... Mimi wants to write.

They say hearing is the last sense to go. He could always hear my pen on the paper - even through a closed door.


But I would risk days of being grounded in my room with nothing but bread and water said she in her melodramatic teenage way if it would bring you back to me. Wanna know a secret? Solitude was never my punishment. It gave me pause to splatter my angst on papyrus sheets under lock and key stuffed under a pillow with only the sound.....the sound...the sound...



In. Out. Breathing. Breathe. In.
So if you don't mind - and if I'm not being too grownup - I'd really like to make a rumble of a mess out here on the other side of this door 'cause we all hear that famous snore halfway to Liverpool and who can sleep with a sound like....

In.....Out....Breathe....Breathe....Out....Please Daddy Breathe....
7:25 am
Somewhere today if you let go of my hand and fly far far far away into a sea of fireflies spiraling in a well-lit park, know that it's OK and that I am fine.
You can go.
I mean, Daddy, really....I am fine.

And after all, it's time for you to teach some other pigtailed girl to step on a feed sack of sand and catch fly balls in the cool night air. Why do my feet feel like I'm running through molasses?
Breathe in. Breathe out..... So when you take your virgin flight and hear someone at the door rustling the paper and the pen...........
don't look back

know that it's me flying with you, not you flying away, or me watchin' you leave
but two on a journey we've never flown before

I know in a moment like this I should say 'Rest well'.
But that is not what I want you to do.
No.

I want you to fly headlong into some peaceful beautiful sky with your arms wide open full of base runs and golden apples

and me
I'll be here.
Just outside the door

The moon is full
Run the bases, Daddy.
Run the bases


November 26, 1933 - October 27, 2009

My daddy
He brought me into this world
and allowed me the tender honor this morning of ushering him out


Thank you for your prayers, your hugs, your love, your kindnesses, your support these last thirty days while I helped him make his journey home. His passing taught me more than I can begin to retell at the moment. But I will. Tonight the rain is pouring buckets of gratitude, grace, and visions of lessons learned at my father's bed.


126 comments:

katherine. said...

I am smiling and teary and felt a rush of chills...

Obviously he loves you very much. Obviously you love him very much...what a blessing you were able to spend these last days with him.

Peace to him.

PinkLady said...

what a touching and loving tribute to your Dad. i'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Mimi. rest assured that love never dies. he will always be your angel now.

may your Dad rest in peace. ii will include him (for the repose of his soul) as well as your family (for acceptance and healing) in my prayers.

God bless!

blessings to you,

Bing

Finding Pam said...

Mimi, may you feel the love and compassion I am sending your way.

This is a journey we all must make. May God bless you and your family during this time.

Blessings my friend,
Pam

Desert Songbird said...

Peace be the journey. Peace be the journey.

It has been an honor and a privilege to walk this journey with you the past few weeks. Though I weep with you and know how you feel, I know that you will find peace.

Just like your Daddy has.

fishingaround said...

Oh Mimi! You have me bawling here. Just remember he'll always be by your side. Love you.

TERI REES WANG said...

Bless him.
Bless him all the way Home.

Julia Scissor said...

My condolences. RIP, Dad.
Hugs to you.

Mojo said...

Oh sweet Mimi. You know where he is now he's looking down at the wonderful creature he helped to make and he's smiling and proud of the woman she's become.

You could have done no more, no better than this to honor your father. And now he is free, his work finished.

Love to you my queen.

jennifer said...

I'm so sorry - just so very sorry - for your loss Mimi. And I am so thankful as well that you had a precious father in your life. Your post has me in tears... sweetness and sorrow.

Hugs and prayers for you.

Giggles said...

Dearest Mimi

Deeply sorry for your loss. May you find peace in your memories. The snoring was so touching for me, as my daddy was the same. I know he's with you, in days to come you'll feel him near. Much love to you Mimi.

Big hugs Sherrie

Kimmie said...

Mimi, Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this time of sorrow. I lost my daddy a year and a half ago and I miss him so, but I know he is in heaven and he is happy...just like your daddy is now. Much love to you.
Hugs,
Kimmie

Daisy said...

Mimi, I am so sorry for your loss. Soft purrs and gentle headbonks to you.

Amias said...

Mimi I haven't known you long, and came across your blog via Michelle at Crow's ... but I know how it feels to lose a Daddy.

I won't say I am sorry for your lost, because I don't believe you have lost your Daddy .. but I am sorry for the pains of separation that I know will come with every drop of ink that spills from your ... and even with the tears running like rain, I know you will recall all the beautiful things, the gift of love/life your Daddy gave to all of you .. and him too.

Peace to you and your beloved family ... and God speed to your Daddy.

Michelle said...

(((Mimi)))

Love, prayers and hugs.

Palm Springs Savant said...

My sincerest condolences Mimi, my heart goes out to you. thinking of you...
-rick

Southern (in)Sanity said...

What an amazing tribute to your father.

I am sorry for your loss.

Carmi said...

I lost my dad just over a month ago, so I empathize with you on a level I wish none of us had to.

I take great comfort in the obvious love you had - and will always have - for this man who so deeply imprinted his ideals on your life. Your words and images are all anyone needs to understand, profoundly, just what a great job he did.

I've found catharsis in writing about him on my blog, and I look forward to seeing how you choose to work through this time in your own way.

Praying that peace will wrap you and your family in the days, weeks, months and years to come. Praying that his memory will forever be a blessing.

Akelamalu said...

Oh Mimi, my lovely, my tears are flowing for you and your family. I know your Daddy is safe in the arms of those loved ones who were waiting for him, have no doubt.

I'm sending Reiki to your Daddy to help him on his journey home and to you and all your family to help ease the grief and pain of losing someone you loved so much. God Bless your Daddy. xxxx

Julie said...

I love you, Mimi. I'll share my box of kleenex with you. No wait....I'll go buy a box of kleenex fit for a queen.

Charles Gramlich said...

Beautifully written. You brought tears to my eyes. I'm very sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you.

Summer said...

I'm very sorry for your loss, but grateful to you for sharing such great memories. *hugs*

Bond said...

Dear Ms. Mimi...my cheeks are wet with tears after reading this ...even having helped keep you afloat these last weeks along with an incredible support group...

We are all still here and will be for you...

Daddy brought an incredible girl into the world...that very special woman helped him to begin his journey.

Many hugs and wishes for you and your family as you finalize his time.

Linda said...

My sincerest and heartfelt condolences at the passing of your beloved father.

I don't know if anyone will ever be able to fully explain the relationship between fathers and their daughters but you have certainly done a wonderful job expressing the relationship that the two of you shared.

Sending you a big hug.

The Gal Herself said...

Oh, Mimi! I am not only sorry for your loss, but touched by your generosity of spirit. You clearly understand that death is a relief, a comfort for the one who goes and agony for the ones left behind. Giving your father permission to leave was such a profound, loving act on your part. I'm sure it's just another reason your father was proud of you.

Take gentle with yourself, My Queen. For the near future you won't be a monarch, you'll be a Daddy's girl who has lost her daddy, and that's a major transition.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Dad was a very handsome man. I am very sorry for your loss and your memmories will comfort you during tough times.

Daryl said...

I lost my daddy in October too .. October 22, 2000 ...

I feel your pain. I know your loss.
Time does not diminish the ache, the hole in your heart doesnt not lessen.

(((Mimi)))

May he rest in peace. And may you and your family find comfort in sharing memories.

Patti said...

I'm so sorry to read this. I do feel your pain as well. I only had my father for 21 years. I still miss him.

This is a beautifully written post. Your daddy will always be with you, right by your side.

You really resemble him, Mimi. I see it in your eyes.

Sarge Charlie said...

Queen Mimi, you have brought this old man to tears while expressing your love for your father. I am sorry for your loss. I can only offer a big hug in hopes that it will relieve some of you pain.

Lizza said...

Beautiful good-bye post for your Daddy, Mimi. It isn't easy to let go, and your wanting your dad to rush headlong into a new experience with his arms wide open, full of golden apples, made me cry. You're full of strength and courage, beautiful lady. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I love you.

P.S. What a handsome man your dad was!

Robin said...

What a beautiful way to say goodbye. I'm sorry he had to go, and I wish him, and you, peace as he sets out on the grandest journey yet.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Mimi, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You have written a wonderful tribute to him for us all to see. Hugs to you. I'll be thinking of you.

Chickenbells said...

What a beautiful and sacred thing you were able to share with your father. I am so sorry for your loss...but your words are so beautiful that they give amazing comfort.

Be well.

Starrlight said...

That was lovely, Mimi. Almost as lovely as your relationship with your Daddy. I have been thinking of you so much and I so hope that both of you can now move to a place of peace.

Mejis said...

That was beautifully written, Mimi. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

A beautiful tribute my friend. My heart is with you...

JackiesMagic said...

I hold you in my thoughts and prayers. Much love. Many blessings.

Ferd said...

He must have been a truly great man, judging from what I see in you, Mimi. And as a father of three daughters of my own, I just know he was hugely proud of you!

May he rest in peace, in between the base running!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

So very well done Mimi. I wanted to stop by and leave some "hugs".

Travis said...

This is a wonderful tribute to your Daddy.

RennyBA's Terella said...

So sorry for your loss and want you to know that your Norwegian blog friend are thinking about you.

Jamie said...

Smiling through tears for you in your losss. Thank you for your generosity in allowing us to share your love for your father.

Xmichra said...

This was an AMAZING post Mimi... I am so sorry for your loss :(

(((hugs from far far away)))

Callie Ann said...

Your an awesome Daughter. I am certain that gave your daddy much comfort. I am sorry for your loss. Keep his spirit alive my friend. Bless you!

Shutterbug8162 said...

Sending prayers and hugs, nothing more will help, nothing less.

Deb said...

God you are such a beautiful person with so much inside of you. I cried through this. God bless you and your family during this time and my deepest condolences.

{{hugs to you}}

Mama Zen said...

This beautiful, beautiful tribute brought me to tears. I am so sorry for your loss.

~Just me again~ said...

My prayers go out to you and your family at this sad time. I am so sorry for your loss (((Big hugs)))

maryt/theteach said...

Mimi, you've got me on the edge of tears. Your Dad was such a handsome man and I'm sure a wonderful man from the way you talk about him. I wish you solace and grace over the next few days.

Heidi said...

I'm new here, I came by request from Barb from Will Think for Wine. Sorry to hear about you dad and my thoughts are with you.
I'm from Vermont and Barb said, a while ago, that you didn't have a globe from here. So I'll be working on one tonight.
Again, my thoughts are with you. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your dad.

Julia Smith said...

(((hugs)))

Carver said...

Dear Mimi,

What a beautiful way to honor your father. My words are inadequate to your loss but know that you are in my heart and thoughts. My sincere sympathy for your enormous loss. As ever in peace and friendship, Carver

mark's tails said...

My Deepest Sympathies.

Jeff B said...

I've been away from the blog world for a bit now, but Katherine sent me an email telling me of your loss. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. A hug and a prayer heading your way.

Tony said...

So beautiful ...
Prayers, Love and Blessings to you and yours during this time of adjustment and inner reflection after his transition. I know what you mean about learning so much from the passing ... use that knowledge well, My Friend.

Angell said...

Oh Mimi. What a beautiful tribute. And what a wonderful relationship you have with your father.

I am here, in tears, and not sure of what to say other than you are both very lucky.

That kind of unconditional love is a beautiful miracle. We should all be so lucky to have it in our lives.

Maitri said...

Oh Mimi Honey... I'm so sorry. My mother is on hospice and will go any day and I've been writing about the experience a lot on my blogs so I was dumbstruck to see the line about your father. (You're on all three of my blogroll lists and the topic popped up.) My heart just breaks for you and I will hold you close in my thoughts and prayers. There just are no words, but I'm so sorry for you loss.

Maitri, sending love and a warm gentle hug...

Mimi Lenox said...

Kat - It was a blessing to me as well. Some things are hard to forget at the moment...but I will process it.

You have held me up in prayer throughout. I will never forget it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pink Lady - What an honor to have him included so specifically in your prayers.
Thank you very much.

You are a lovely person.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - I do feel the compassion and love from you and so many other people. It has been overwhelming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mimi Lenox said...

Songbird Worker Bee - I know he is at peace. I wish it could have been a less painful journey for him. Those are the memories that will take a while to work through.

You have been - and continue - to be a rock for me throughout.
Love you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Fish - Love you too. I know he is still with me. Thank you for visiting.

Mimi Lenox said...

Teri - That made me smile. And cry. And smile.

Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julia - He felt the hug. So did I. Thank you dear friend from India.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - Thank you for your kind words and text messages throughout. I will always remember your thoughtfulness.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jennifer - It is bittersweet sadness. I know you have been praying, Jen. I've felt it.

Thank you. There is no greater way of showing love and support. Hugs to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sherrie - The snoring! Yes! His signature trademark characteristic...that, and his wickedly smart sense of humor.

Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Kimmie - I hope they meet in Heaven and have a grand conversation. I am sorry for your loss. A year and a half isn't a long time at all. Sending you hugs.

Mimi Lenox said...

Daisy - I will accept the headbonks and gentle purrs from the smartest cat on earth.
Thank you.
My dad would have loved you!

Mimi Lenox said...

Amias - I am learning that those who have suffered this particular loss share a common bond. Thank you for opening up and sharing with me. And thank you for the blessings.

Mimi Lenox said...

Michelle - Thank you so much. I feel them.

Mimi Lenox said...

Rick - Thank you very much.

Mimi Lenox said...

Southern - He was an amazing man. Thank you for visiting.

Mimi Lenox said...

Carmi - Mojo mentioned to me that you were going through the same thing. He said that your dad's passing was sudden. I can't imagine that. Really.

Writing about it is healing for me. I'm sure those words will find their way onto these pages. I will also look to you for insight as you work through your own grief.
The world looks different, doesn't it?

I am truly sorry for your loss and send you peace and hugs.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Sending a hug across the pond to you. YOU have been a rock to me throughout this ordeal and many others in my life. You know I adore you.

Much love and many blessings.
I know he is safe at home in the arms of God now.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie Peace Worker Bee - You and I have shared many a box of Kleenex over the course of the last year.
We should buy stock and call it a day.

I love you too.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Thank you my friend.

Mimi Lenox said...

Summer - Thank you for your kindness.

Mimi Lenox said...

Vinny - As you know, we did things his way. He was buried in his Carolina Tarheels sweatshirt and jeans. It wasn't hard to figure out what daddy wanted as his final wishes.

There are no words to express how I feel about the Peace Worker Bee phenomenon you began on your blog. I see them everywhere. It brought me great comfort to know that peace globes were in capable and loving hands.

One day soon I will write more about the worker bees and the incredible group of bloggers who surrounded me with almost hourly love during long long nights at the hospital. I will never be able to repay you for what you all did.

Much love to you and Nancy.

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - I appreciate that so much. Hug received and returned.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - I am feeling the "transition"...it feels otherworldly and strange. Thank you for reminding me to "take gentle"..that is always hard for me to do. I needed to be reminded.

I appreciate your words of kindness and support throughout the passing of my dad.

ciara said...

i haven't been writing or even reading many blogs lately. i'm so sorry to hear about your dad. this was a lovely tribute to him. big hugs to you and know that my thoughts are with you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Queen-Size - Thank you. I think he was too. But I might be biased.

Mimi Lenox said...

Daryl - I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for the hugs my friend.

Mimi Lenox said...

Princess Patti - I remember the story of your daddy. You were much too young to lose him. I am sorry.

I do have daddy's eyes. Thank you for noticing. Someone at the funeral home Wednesday night said, "You look just like your daddy."

Mimi Lenox said...

Sarge - Your hug did help. Thank you so much.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lizza - I love you too.
Golden apples were his favorite.

Mimi Lenox said...

Robin - I wonder what he's doing on his grand journey. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - Hugs received and returned to my dear friend from across the pond.

Mimi Lenox said...

Chickenbells - It was a sacred thing. A holy thing. A painful thing. A joyous thing.
All in one.

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - I am working on that peaceful part, my friend...you know that. I couldn't have made it without your support and cut-to-the-chase truths.
Seriously.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mejis - Thank you so much for your words of comfort.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - And I have felt it all along and continue to.
Love to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

JackiesMagic - Thank you so very much.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Base running is important. It was to him.

It was an awesome honor to meet you, your wife and son at my father's visitation. I will never forget your kindness to me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - I felt them. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis the Peace Worker Bee - I'm glad you approve. You and Pam have been by my side since the day I wrote "Supper With Daddy." We formed a bond.

Words cannot express what your support has meant to me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Renny - Thank you my Norwegian blog friend. So kind of you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - It is easy to share him. I am proud to share him.
Thank you for your kindness to me through all the time we've known each other on the blog.

Mimi Lenox said...

Xmichra - Even hugs from far far away can be felt. Thank you. And thank you for the post I found on your blog about my dad's passing. Very very kind of you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Callie - I hope I can capture his spirit as I continue to write about him. Thank you for the support and love.

Mimi Lenox said...

Shutterbug - You are quite correct. Thank you so much.

Mimi Lenox said...

Deb - I appreciate your words of comfort. And especially the hugs.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mama Zen - I am honored that you were touched by my daddy's life. Thank you for that.

Mimi Lenox said...

Just Me Again - I felt that big big hug. Back to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mary - Grace I need. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Heidi - I would be thrilled to have a peace globe from Vermont. Thank you so much for your words of kindness.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julia - Felt and received. Returned!

Mimi Lenox said...

Carver - Thank you my friend. Please tell me you are going to be able to make it to Bloggingham on Thursday?

Mimi Lenox said...

Mark - I appreciate your kindness.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jeff - My thanks to Katherine for letting you know. I appreciate the prayers and hugs. Believe me.

Mimi Lenox said...

Tony - I have missed visiting you. I will have to fix that. There is so much to learn and absorb during a time like this. I have to find time to write it all down. Thank you for visiting.

Mimi Lenox said...

Angell - I hope they are tears of peace for you.
Thank you for visiting.

Mimi Lenox said...

Maitri - Oh honey...I am so sorry to hear about your mother's struggle. You write me anytime if you need to talk. It is a hard road you walk right now and you need lots of friends to help you.

Love and peace to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ciara - Thank you for the kind words. Very thoughtful of you.

Tarheel Rambler said...

The only words I can find are so inadequate. Just know that my thoughts, prayers and deep affection are with you.

Shannon H. said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers Mimi. Peace and hugs to all of you. This post was so very beautiful and I sit in here tears. What a wonderful man!

Samantha, Mr. Tigger and Maverick said...

Oh Mimi!! What a lovely post about your Father!! Many prayers are coming your way!! We are so glad you got to spend time with him!! (((((HUGGGGGGGs)))))) from your Texas furiends,
Samantha, Maverick & Chandra

Thom said...

I just heard and I'm very sorry for your loss. This was a wonderful tribute. Be strong. Aloha

cricketsdrivel said...

I'm so sorry Mimi. ::hugs:: I'm glad you were there for him at the end.

Barbara Doduk said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. HUGS

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - I enjoyed meeting you on peace globe day. Thank you for your kind words. We need to catch up.

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - He was. I miss him.

Mimi Lenox said...

Samantha - I cherish the time we had and wish we'd had more..but I wouldn't bring him back in the shape he was in. It's hard. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Thom - How kind of you. I appreciate that very much.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cricket - Thank you for visiting and expressing your condolences. I am touched.

Mimi Lenox said...

Barbara - HUGS to my Canadian peace friend. Thank you so much.

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