Friday, August 7, 2009

Three Skirts and A Cup Of Coffee

First date. I was late.
Fifteen minutes. One town over. Couldn't find the bookstore. I hate being late. Bad first impression. Handsome guy. Ran a fast yellow light spraying hairspray in my mouth instead of mouthwash. I spit in my own car. Thinking about the guy I passed on this week because he had a motorcycle and how would I reapply my lipstick on a bike. The things that go through my pencil head. I.know.Katherine. don' No time for second thoughts now. Screeched to a park with thankfully little hairspray in my mouth. Threw the cellphone in the purse. Blew in like a woman on a broom. Thank God for no-run pantyhose or I would haven eaten nail polish too. Hi. I'm late. I'm sorry. Thanks for waiting. Introductions.
"We should have exchanged cell numbers in case this happened," I said.
"I don't have one except my mother's," he said. (Flag. Red. Uno. Ummm....he doesn't get up. I'm sorry, guys, but when you are sitting and waiting on a lady to arrive, get UP. It's polite. And I grew up with a grandpa who held doors and took off his hat and oh I digress, back to the story) Somebody explain to me WHY I sat down with him.
Pencil Skirt: white slacks, blue scalloped top, matching pearl earrings, pearl necklace. pearl bracelet, bone heels
Mr. LaidBack: Tshirt. Shorts.
I didn't have the nerve to look at his feet. He was handsome. I'll give him that.
He didn't like to dance
he didn't like to read
he didn't like to listen to any music except on the radio

he didn't like coffee
he hadn't had a hobby in ten years

But one thing he did have. A wandering eye. Two of them. I generally do not notice if a man ogles another woman in front of me because, let's face it, it just doesn't happen. (bwaahahhhaa) But seriously. Men past forty-five should know better. If a man flirts with or turns on the charm with another woman or even the waitress when we're out, I find it more unfathomably rude than annoying. I just ignore it and check mental note "untrustworthy" But this time it happened twice in the first 10 minutes. And then it got amusing.

Lucky me we were sitting near the entryway and he faced the door. One eye on the door. One eye on me. I kid you not. It was a whole body experience for him. I wasn't even gonna feign a migraine to get out of this one. Pay attention.
Here's what I did.

When the evil eye prepared to fixate on its inevitable prey by the door (women know these things) I would ramble on faster and faster as only I can do and get even more animated using my hands, tossing my hair....and then s.t.o.p....i.n...m.i.d...s.e.n.t.e.n.c.e and W.A.I.T. F.O.R H.I.M.. because once he fixated he was a goner for at least a good 30 seconds. I'd follow him follow her. Wait for him to follow her some more and then the Chatty Cathy doll would resume. It never even occurred to him that I had stopped talking. Here's how it works in case you ever wanna try it.

Skirt #1 approaches the Starbucks counter (I'm thinking he wishes he'd said he liked coffee) "So do you like to.........he drifts off into hemline heaven and I wait for him to return. He is smiling. At her. I am smiling. At her. He never even noticed that I had stopped talking.
I follow him in silence. Poor girl now has two oglers. He sees me following him following her and looks at me....

"read?" I asked with all seriousness
"I'm not one for reading."
"I see. Do you like to......

Skirt #2 with a brunette bouncing pony tail sits down at the table to his left directly in front of me. He notices her. She sat. She notices him. I followed their smile. He followed her ponytail. I followed her ponytail. He looked. I looked. I watched him look. I waited for him to come back to earth. She got a phone call and he did.

"Not in years."

I see. Silence. He says nothing for about 3 minutes. I start rolling my eyes and tapping my fingers on the table. Why NOT???!!
I just wanted to be annoying.

"Have you ever....." Ah! Right on cue.

Skirt #3 with a VERY short hemline, blond bob and matching book bag stops at the Clearance table. I thought she was adorable but what do I know? I'm just there for the coffee. He follows. I follow. He watches. I watch. I watch him watch. He never notices I'm not talking anymore. Even as this is about the sixth time this has happened in an hour. She disappears behind a bookshelf and he literally leans over to watch her disappear. So did I!

"....been married?"

"What was that?"

"Have you ever been MARRIED??!"

LOoooooong silence.

There were signs everywhere. I started to see things in my coffee cup. I thought maybe he needed time alone with the skirts so I went to get MYSELF some coffee and get this (he never once offered) I found myself asking out of that darned southern politeness "Could I get you something?" even i-can't-believe-i-said-that

"No. I don't like coffee."

And then it hit me.

Oh my ever lovin' peace globes.

I looked closer. I had the eeriest feeling. Who? What? When? He was 48 but could easily pass for 38. Lots of hair. Not a wrinkle in sight on his face. And a dead ringer for a younger version of my ex-husband.

I decided I needed an oat bran muffin and an escape plan.

I made as much noise as I possibly could at the counter just ordering my drink. Digging in my purse. Trying to decide. Changing my mind. Minding my change. I asked for French Vanilla. She thought I said Citronella. Laughter laughter laughter laughter. I had more fun at the counter with the people in line than I did with Wandering Eye. Three dollars and thirty-one cents later I sat down with a lot of caffeine, one resurrected husband and our four wandering eyes. The only time we laughed was when I made a joke.
And then I got really tired of entertaining his shorts.
I wanted to go shopping.

I tried to keep it simple. Really I did.

"So....we're in a bookstore. What's your favorite newspaper?"

"The Boston Globe."

"Great! I usually read it online."

"I don't read it."

"But you said it's your favorite..."

"I just don't read it."

"I don't think we have anything in common," I said.
"You are artsy," he said. (because I wear CLOTHES??)

" I think I'll check out the Clearance table before I go. Nice to meet you. Bye."
And the worst part? THIS is where I'll always remember I was when I heard that Michael Jackson died. On a blind date with a skirt ogler. It is forever burned in my memory. Oh the humanity.

I am traumatized.
I don't even remember where the other half of my face is....


Mimi Lenox said...

Yes - If you have to ask that question then you are truly new here! But welcome...

Kitten said...

What a horrible blind date! And because of the news event that occurred that day, it's something you'll never forget...

fishingaround said...

You should have been outta there as soon as he said he didn't like coffee. His loss.

Mimi Lenox said...

Kitten - A total waste of my time. Some men are completely clueless.

Mimi Lenox said...

Fish - I should have been outta there much sooner than that.
And thank you.
Isn't life crazy??!

Ferd said...

OH... MY... GOD... !!!
These kind of idiots give all guys a bad name!
They're good for nothing but blog fodder.
Mims, I think you've kissed enough frogs. By the time you meet your prince, you'll have a wart on your lips. LOL!
You just keep being your wonderful queenly self. The universe is just teasing you. Great things happen when you least expect them!

Finding Pam said...

I love what Ferd said about the wart on your lips! His loss not yours. I am sure you have not kissed that many frogs.

Mimi, this post was so funny and I can just imagine your frustration.
Helloooo... Where are you Mr. Blind Date? How rude of him to ignore our Queen.

I am glad that you have a sense of humor.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - The next time the Universe "teases" me, I hope he at least puts some clothes on.

What happened to gentlemen?
What happened to manners?
Seriously. I wonder.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - Oh, Pam. There are many more stories like this one. Did I ever tell you about the guy who wanted a wife to take back to Romania?

I should write a book.

Witch Baby said...

Wow - that is so like worst date ever. Honey you definately don't deserve to be treated like that! So glad you stood your ground.

katherine. said...

drummin' my fingers on the keyboard...shaking my head....

but not saying it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Witch Baby - I could have been a piece of cardboard sitting at the table with him. There was NOBODY home. He screamed shallow in so many ways. That is disheartening but hardly the worst date ever. Oh no.

It didn't hurt my feelings. Insulting to his date? Yes. Rude? Yes. Caddy? Yes. And such a waste of my time. It was also incredibly amusing and just mind boggling to watch him follow the skirts as they walked in the room. And truly, this is why a man of his age has never married....never committed ....Just full of himself and about as mature as a 2-year-old.


Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - LOL
But you know you want to....

katherine. said...

oh yeah a whole lot more....

Mimi Lenox said...

Say it.
I can take it.

katherine. said...

in my part of the world....about 87 percent of all successful males between 45 and 65 have a Harley.

They are an expensive hobby...but a really great way to see the countryside.

personally I wear a full face helmet...and my makeup and lipstick stay perfectly

I even carry a camera from the passenger's not too windy I'm sure I could apply lipstick.

Charles Gramlich said...

Well, you definitely skirted around the main issue here.

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - I've seen your pictures from the motorcycle seat. I bow to your perfection and your makeup case.
A successful male with an expensive hobby, huh?
Sounding better all the time...

But you know how accident prone I am. I would fall off and break something before we even left the parking lot.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - What is the main issue here? Pray tell.....Don't tell me. You have a motorcycle too?

Mimi Lenox said...

AND I had to use more than one skirt to skirt around all these issues - mine AND his.
The first main being....he was a complete jackass.

katherine. said...

ah...not to worry your highness

a gentleman (or a Teamster) has not only a backrest for himself...but also one for you...and yours is kinda a wraparound design. Some have armrests even...although that looks kinda dumb.

I know one woman who has fallen asleep while riding even...although I would not recommend that.

I'll post a picture tomorrow for me....even you would be safe.

and Harley Davidson has an incredible clothing line for women...

Cogitator said...

Hi Mimi, great post and an awful date, but I'm going to side with the bikers on this one.

I'd be put off by a woman who was more interested in my vehicle than me. Jaguar, Beetle, bike? So what?

Really, if she doesn't like my transport, we can buy a different one, if looks like the relationship is worth the investment.

You know I have your best interests at heart.

Lois Grebowski said...

OMG, that was such an awful date... And he didn't stand up to meet you. Yep, that's the first sign... OY VEY!

Kori said...

No coffee, no reading, uses his moms cell phone, doesn't stand up...yeah. I don't know how you kept yourself from throwing yourself at him and by heck MAKING it work...tee hee, and then we would all be sooo jealous!

Lorielle said...

This is exactly all the reasons why I hate online dating, blind dates, and the bother. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - Clothing lines?? Now you're talking my language....I'll check in tomorrow!

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - One more male opinion is sorely needed here. But tell me, what did you think of the gentleman's manners? Hmmmm???

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - And now I STOP driving ANYWHERE to meet ANYONE. They do the driving from now on, I swear it on my pencil skirt.

Mimi Lenox said...

Kori - Now that cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lorielle - If people only knew how truly insane it really is.
Would you like to join me in the convent?

Mejis said...

Ugh I hate men like that! The sad thing is that the planet seems full of them.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mejis - Full.of.them.

Cogitator said...

Oh, the "gentleman"'s manners were inexcusable, no question. A complete dork. But you knew that, I think.

Perhaps we only hear about the bad dates, but maybe a change of date selection criteria might be in order?

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - Oh, I did know that and I'm sure I wasn't his cup of tea either. The bad dates are funnier, yes, and I try to deflect disappointment and frustration with humor. A lot.

In defense of my selection criteria, and what I didn't say in the piece is that he totally misrepresented himself occupation-wise, educationally, and relationship history. His statistics were askew in the real world. This is typical online dating practice. I checked all the boxes and made an informed decision before I agreed to meet him...and that decision was based on erroneous information he placed out there to make himself more dateable (is that a word?) but honestly, I am accumulating such an arsenal of "red flags" in this process (which cannot be ignored) that I'm beginning to wonder if all my pencil skirts should be a nice shade of jade.
Not because I am a negative person. I am not.
But because the reality is this. Just what I described. And it happens 98% of the time.
If I didn't have a brain in my head, were desperate, or could lower my standards, dating would be easy and fun. No can do.

I have had some lovely dates with true gentlemen. And have blogged about them. For one reason or another, we just weren't compatible or there was no chemistry.

But I think your suggestion of changing my selection criteria is a good one if for no other reason than to revamp and specifically state what it is I am drawn to in a man. I've avoided that because men have complained that it sounds like a "laundry list".....damned if I do and damned if I don't.


Cogitator said...

A dork and a liar too; hard to steer a straight course when you're being lied to :(

I'm glad you've had some good dates with proper gentlemen, I'd hate to think that all this effort you are making was a dead loss.

I'm not sure what's wrong with a laundry list myself.

The Gal Herself said...

Is it OK that I thought this was funny? I mean, I know it must have been shitty for you to live through, but it was fun to read. Forgive me, Your Highness.

I liked how you altered your speech pattern depending on who was coming in the door. But even better, I like that you told him you would rather be shopping -- and shopping the Clearance Table at that! -- than speak to him. That kind of comment is so cutting because even he had to know it was true. Nicely played.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

So did you guys get married?

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - A mature man wouldn't mind specifics, now would he? Food for thought.
Insecure men are threatened.
Good point.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - Oh, it was meant to be funny. And yet it isn't. Live through? I've been through MUCH worse and pity is certainly not my goal here. He was truly a player. I was being as clear and honest as possible with someone I knew would never be self-aware enough to "get it".....still shaking my head at the commonality of this scene.

I thought the Clearance table comment was perfect (if I do say so myself) but I seriously doubt it registered with him.

And thank you.
It was comical.
And exhausting!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Tomorrow. 3pm.

Autumn said...

First of all, I don't know how I'd react if a man stood up when I came up to the table. I'd probably wonder where he was going.
There has got to be a decent man out there for you! What the bleep are these guys thinking being so...selfish in the face of someone so brilliant???
Sorry. A little outrage on your behalf.

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - How kind of you.

There are decent men out there. I just don't know where "out there" is. And some, are just out there.

Cogitator said...

A mature man would be able to give you a percentage fit against each criterion, tell you why he thinks you should meet anyway, and ask you what you reckon.

Jamie said...

For future reference. If they don't care enough to dress to meet her majesty and don't have the courtesy to stand upon her arrival.... make a U turn and depart. Saves time and aggravation.

I have an award for you. come get it.

Bond said...

The man was a clod...only because he did not stand when he met you, did not offer to get your coffee and muffin - dang I do not drink coffee, but used the coffee areas of bookstores to meet and drank a coke - he was a loser because of his wandering eye.

I totally agree with Katherine on the motorcycle issue and until you have tried it with some one you trust, you do not know what you are missing...and the Harley line for women - HECK-A-DOODLE YES!

BUT, in closing...not all on-line dating service dates are a total waste...hehehehehe

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - To find such a logical male being would be wonderful. I adore being pursued.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - It tells you more about how they feel about themselves, too, don't you think?

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - I will remember those valid points.

You and Nancy are blessed to have found each other, no matter the venue. I am giddy with excitement for you. The day is drawing near!

Tilli said...

NEXT! Lady, this is just not something that should happen to one as hilarious and awesome as you. Boys are stupid.

Cogitator said...

Live long, and prosper.

utenzi said...

You really were rather patient to wait that long before calling it quits. He must have been very good looking or you were oddly fascinated by this younger version of your EX. I'm surprised his lack of shared interests didn't come across on the dating site.

Julie said...

Oh yes! I have been waiting for this! The audio version places a tight second place. Where should I place the ribbons? You are amazing Ms. Mimi!

I had to do some 'splainin'to Jeff as I wiped the giggle tears away.

Oh my!

Mimi Lenox said...

Tilli - You crack me up.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - And the same to you!

Mimi Lenox said...

Utenzi - It wasn't his looks. Maybe more fascination with the scene and I was actually enjoying the fact that I didn't give a rat's behind (oh, how I've evolved).

He misrepresented himself totally on the site. Typical.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - I remember telling you on the phone this right after it happened. I may have even dialed you on the way home. Did I? You didn't record our conversation, did you? lol
I remember we laughed a LOT.

Remember how hysterical the whole thing was? And I left out so much here. Oh Lord. The things I get myself into.

quilly said...

How is it you always manage to attract the real winners? Are you looking for a life mate of blog fodder? LOL!

Mimi Lenox said...

Quilly - I'm apparently a humor magnet! Oh. my. Lord. Time to change my strategy....

Travis said...

Maybe he was 48 and could pass for 38, but he acted about 8.

Julie said...

**looks over at tape recorder**

Tee hee hee!

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis and Julie - OH MY. I'd forgotten how absurd this date was. We must do better in the future.

**Julie**....ERASE Darlin'.

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