Monday, August 10, 2009

Monday Mimisms ~ My Kingdom For A Safe Place To Fall


I had a heart-to-heart this week with a close friend or two. Interestingly, recent blog posts on my crazy dates laced with pencil skirt sarcasm and humor, dating, men, and my luck with them, sparked a conversation in emails, on and off blog. The challenge? What do I really want? And, Mimi, they inquired, are you being specific enough in your dating profile about what you really want and expect from a man? Good question.

And I had to ask myself .... Am I letting my need to write "prettily and profoundly" filter into my very personal life so that it sounds unattainable, fluffy, fake? And am I allowing myself to enjoy just a bit too much jade these days - it is oh.so.easy.to.do - but am I using that as a selfish excuse to expect the same thing to keep occurring in my life? Am I drawing that unto myself because my brain won't uncolor the history and my heart won't trust again? And then I wrote a long and winding blog post about men.

STOP

THE

PRESSES


I re-read it this morning and decided it was not for public consumption, more for my own unwinding, as it were.

But part of maintaining integrity in my writing is making myself stare at the truth. It shouldn't always be shared. The gist was that my pride-deflated confession remains -
I am lonely.There.
I said it.
It was a bit of scary truth to stare at.


Do you see that woman in the grass? Me - four years ago. I was wearing a hat. Reading a book on a blanket, staring at dandelions, poof poof simple fun, enjoying the day, being silly, feeling the sun on my legs, spreading my wings. I was finding my place in the single world. I was in the process of validating who I really am after a long long stretch of life in a clouded cocoon. The sun and the weeds and the precarious whims of dandelions in the wind suited my mood.


I'll spare you the mountains of epiphanies my tears found yesterday on the subject of sex, dating, exes, relationships, intimacy (I said words that would have warranted a blog warning) and the sources of my lovely shade of unwanted and destructive jade. Damn that color. Who put it in the crayola box anyway?


I know this: The man who wins my heart will have his hands full. And I will expect him to be wrapped up totally by my little pinkie. I will also expect him to take off my hat, run his fingers through my hair and see the real me.



My kingdom for a man to love the real me - and one who has the strength to call my prissy bluff.


You think I want to unnerve the gentleman? Think again. I want to be unnerved by the look that says "Oh yeah, Miss Skirt, I get it. I heard what you said, dear, but I know you well enough to know what you meant and that there's more to the story. Sit down with me. I'm listening. Drop the act." I wouldn't smack him. I'd run straight into his annoying arms and let him unnerve me some more.


My kingdom for a man who wants to take off my hat.
And won't run screaming away.

I've dated some beautiful men. It was fun. It was satisfying. It filled a need I had at the time. But in most cases - with the exception of one serious relationship - the maturity levels were a mile wide and an inch deep. Now I want to swim in deep waters, not wade in the kiddie pool.

My kingdom for the wisdom to know the difference.



I have been afraid to say that lest it scare the charming beautiful ones away. Is that what I really want? Charm and beauty?

No. It is not.

I want a man who will tell me the truth....in bed, out of bed, in the morning, late at night, at the grocery store, at the concert, in the car, when I'm ugly, when I'm blue, when I'm bitchy, when I feel like a 2-year-old instead of a never-mind-year-old, and more than anything in the whole wide world - I want a safe place to fall.


What happened to the woman in the grass? Such a short time ago it was. How did she get here....where it's lonely (oh God, I said it again) and vulnerable and sad and just plain frightening at times.. How, pray tell, did you get from dandelions to this? I stared at the photos. The uncolored me was so much more attractive. Ah, but there are mountains of complicated reasons.

Pucker, Mimi, and blow them away. Right out of your life for good. Starting now. Did you see how that worked? Today I am rewinding the calendar, putting on my hat, and going back to the days of dandelion blankets and wild wild grass.

I like her better.
She made a nice shade of hope.





41 comments:

The Gal Herself said...

This was a very moving post. Very brave. I felt almost as though you had taken a brief tour of MY soul before you wrote it.

There's a line from a Carly Simon song that popped into my head recently, "There's more room in a broken heart." I think that being disappointed by men in the past actually makes you more ready to swim in the deep waters.

I hope you find him. I commend you for still being brave enough to look and risk all that goes with it!

Thom said...

Thank goodness I'm still in the dungeon. I think that's the safest place for me to be ROFLMAO. Besides I serve you better than provide a safe place to fall. Go figure. Loved the post I must say :) Very thought provoking "Your Hineyness"

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - Lonely is such an ugly word. A socially unacceptable word. And unfortunately, a universal ill.

I like that quote. I would add there's more wisdom too.

Mimi Lenox said...

Thom - Get back to the dungeon until you figure out how to speak to me.
I've got a meme with your name on it later today. (smile)

Akelamalu said...

A very poignant post Mimi. I'm sure the man you want is out there somewhere - he just needs to find you. xx

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A wonderful post, Mimi. I think you're a fine lady. The man who wins your heart will be very lucky.

Cogitator said...

Congratulations *hug*

Autumn said...

*sigh* I have hope for my friend. You're too...so many things to not have someone to share with.
And to think, I recently made the horrid mistake of trying to give away everything you're hoping for.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Patience is a virtue I hear. I'll be by the dandelions.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - How nice of you to say, my friend. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - Well received.

Why must I sprawl like this on the page? Ummmm....can't change me now, eh?

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - I am soooo glad you didn't throw it away. I am thrilled you are right where you are, my dear. Whew!

Cogitator said...

While I think on it, pause to think about what you will be for him, too.

Bond said...

HE WILL BE A VERY LUCKY MAN INDEED

Finding Pam said...

Mimi, I'm sorry that you are blue, but I admire your honesty.

You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. I think we all have felt that way one time or another.

I believe that there is someone out there just waiting for you. The main thing is that you are not giving up.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all."

You are a wonderful woman and when you least expect it, love will find you.

Big Hugs, Pam

Mimi Lenox said...

Cogitator - I have thought of that many times. The best part of being in a relationship is always the giving. Not the other way around.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - Sweet. Thank you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - I don't think I'm blue at all. Introspective today, yes. Blue..hmm....maybe you're right.

Reality stinks sometimes.

Travis said...

Someone else's honesty is going to come looking for yours one of these days. Stay honest with yourself so you don't miss it.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

There is the word. I know it, and all of us have felt it ... sometimes EVEN when surrounded by friends

Life is such a mysterious journey. Most of what is attainable in life can be had through diligence and persistence. Goal driven people are far more apt to achieve the dreams imagined - thought to reality. Such a simplistic sentence, yet one that so few follow. It is so easy to move from enthusiasm to apathy, and not even realize when the transition occurred.
Love ... where does this fit in the equation? This most important human desire falls it's own category. What logic and rational thinking can accrue in a static world, have no relevance in romance.
Why?
I believe preconceived ideas and misguided energy lead us astray.
What? ... what am I talking about here!
Seems to me that most of us have guidelines in what we want from love, yet initiate standards and ideals that are reciprocal.
I often hear "what women want" in conversation and even while reading these sharing / revealing blogs of ours. Successful, good looking, smart, funny, charismatic, powerful, confident, etc etc ...
Look at these descriptive words for a moment. See what they all have in common?
None of them describe the heart. None of them ...

Back to my analogy of logical goals vs. love goals. They seem to be related, yet are not. Could be the harder you try and find the mate that fits the image of your own minds eye, the further you find yourself lost and disillusioned by the quest.

" I will expect him to be wrapped up totally by my little pinkie. I will also expect him to take off my hat, run his fingers through my hair and see the real me "

You just described warmth, caring, empathy, sweetness, and the ability to see through the superficial outer shell into the soul. You described heart, a certain type of heart. The true measure of a man, or woman, lies here, deep inside, and is something that we are born with. To find that elusive "soul mate" I am fairly certain that it involves a match in "heart desires".
When there is a balanced flow of love sent without words nor deeds, when you see with your heart and not your eyes, when you long to understand and care for another more that your own self, when your heart hurts when separated from it's match, when your heart smiles before your face just to think about the other, then there is a solid foundation.

Could it be that most of us chase emotions that are short lived? You know, the ones like excitement, elation, and yes, even lust. The classic relationship that occurs in short term is often described as having a spark that could not be sustained ... the sudden burst in pulse that wained.

Where am I going with this? I don't know! ... although my main point is that "You cannot paint a picture of what love looks like". Unlike a trip to the gallery with intent of matching color and themes for your dining room, the heart search is not tangible.

Like so many times, when I read your thoughts set out here, I can honestly say I understand them. A common misconception is that loneliness = sadness. It is "one piece" of the puzzle that is missing. Even with the 2000 other good pieces, the last one is required to be whole ;-)

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - I hope I don't miss it. Eyes open. Got it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - You get it.
I love this part.

"To find that elusive "soul mate" I am fairly certain that it involves a match in "heart desires".
When there is a balanced flow of love sent without words nor deeds, when you see with your heart and not your eyes, when you long to understand and care for another more that your own self, when your heart hurts when separated from it's match, when your heart smiles before your face just to think about the other, then there is a solid foundation."


And you are so right about loneliness being only one part of the puzzle - not the most important part - just par for the course. Thanks for reminding me that it doesn't have to be a suffocating feeling.

Smooch.

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. You will find your heart mate soon. You're looking with all the right radar.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

(( smiling at you ))


BIG HUG

Carver said...

Beautiful post Mimi. Can't think of the right words so I'll leave it there.

jennifer said...

Beautiful. You are so good at expressing your emotions. I envy your gift!

Ferd said...

Speedcat~
I really liked your response. The time and care you took with it speaks for your concern for Mimi. She would do well finding a man like you.

Mimi~
I'm glad you had those snapshots of a happier, more hopeful Mimi, because you know if you were like that at one time, you can be like that again.
Toward the end, you described how you will pucker and blow away all those complexities that are standing in your way. Good for you! Don't get hung up for too long on all the bad stuff. We can't control the most of it anyway. Life is short, so enjoy all that it gives you. There is a lot to be grateful for. And yes, keep the men standards high.
(Though I do think it's okay to go out with a few bozos for blog material. You so often make me laugh!)
; D

Finding Pam said...

WOW...Speedycat is so amazing.
He gets women. Awesome comment.
A man that loves like that is a true gem. Mimi, you deserve that too.

Mimi Lenox said...

Carver - Nice to "see" you here. I am fine. Really.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jennifer - And some would call it unnecessary! (but thank you)

Julie said...

"I want a safe place to fall." That says it all. I pray you find it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Taking notes...."Ferd said go out with bozos."

Sigh.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - That really IS the essence of it.

When things are going wrong, that's all I need. Just a safe place. To. Fall.

katherine. said...

raising my glass to you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - Speedy is a true gem. I hope he finds the right one soon. He deserves it. And she will be a lucky woman indeed.

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - Cheers, my friend.

Mojo said...

*raises hand*

"Bozo at your service Your Worship".

I'm impressed that you still believe. I pretty much gave up on the idea long ago.

But it works for me. (That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.)

I wish nothing but good things for you in your quest Your Eminence. You deserve it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - First of all, you are not a Bozo. You're funny as heck but you're not a clown person.

I do still believe. I do. I do. I do.

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S Mojo - You should too.

Svem said...

"I want to be unnerved by the look that says "Oh yeah, Miss Skirt, I get it. I heard what you said, dear, but I know you well enough to know what you meant and that there's more to the story. Sit down with me. I'm listening. Drop the act." I wouldn't smack him. I'd run straight into his annoying arms and let him unnerve me some more."

You really have conquered your fear of the deep waters, haven't you?

Mimi Lenox said...

Svem - And ready to jump in with both feet. There is nothing more sacred or intimate than taking off one's mask in front of someone who sees you - and loves you - for who you are. It is a holy thing.
My Kingdom for a man who even gets what I just said.

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