Thursday, July 30, 2009

Because I Am Not Jewish

Travel back five years ago with me. Rick was tall and dark-haired, mischievous and fun. A bit full of himself. But I like confidence so that was intriguing. We met on a dating site.
Think Heavy Flirting 101. I was an internet dating infant. Newly divorced and not very experienced in the ways and wiles of some men.

When we finally stopped the ridiculous eternal emails and had a phone conversation, this is how it went. And what did I learn from this experience? That phone calls should come FIRST before you waste too much time exchanging polite nonsense and constantly worrying about spellcheck. Here's why:

Rick was 42. Never married. I politely asked why. He said he was picky.
We cut to the chase.
He was Jewish.
I am not.
He wanted to marry a nice Jewish girl.
I am not.
He wanted babies.
I did not.

"Then why are we having this phone call?" I asked.
You may be shocked to hear this but I was a tad naive.

"I'm really attracted to you. Can't we just have an adult arrangement?"

You may be shocked to hear this but Mimi had never been asked that question before. I was immediately intrigued beyond belief. Not in the yes-I-want-to-do-this way but in the what-makes-this-guy-tick-for-future-reference kinda way. I was dipping my toes in the proverbial dating pool for the first time in a very long time. I needed to know what he had in mind. Exactly. Research you see.

After some explanation and laying out of the ground rules and such, I said, "Let me get this straight. You want to meet for weekends and overnight stays your place or mine when neither one of us has a "real" date for the evening while you search for a nice Jewish girl to marry and make babies with except you're not going to tell anyone you're dating that you have a friend with benefits on the side? Is this correct, O Handsome One?"

After a long sigh of exasperation he said, "Yes. That is exactly what I mean. Surely you've heard of this before."

I am not a prude but Mimi does not roll that way.
Now it's been a long five years. And I've been through a few things since. Some good. Some bad. I have been asked this question a couple of times. I always find it interesting that the guy brings it up after you've been sufficiently romanced, wined and dined, usually on the third or fourth date while entangled in a passionate couch kiss. I say again, attraction or no attraction, it ain't happening.

Nevertheless, Rick was my virgin proposal and I was fascinated.
"But I don't understand. What if we get emotionally attached?" I asked.

"I could see myself falling for you," he said.

"So what if we did? What then?"

"We could. And that would be even better!" he said.

"For whom?"

Looonnng silence.

"We would have an u.n.d.e.r.s.t.a.n.d.i.n.g," he said. "You would know from the beginning that my ultimate goal would be to find a wife. A woman of my faith. A mother for my children. A Jewish wife. You're not Jewish!"

"Your faith is important to you, yes?"

"Very. My faith and my family. I'm very family-oriented. I come from a big close-knit family. Our faith is important."

"And this is morally ok with you?"

"You are making me nuts," he said matter-of-factly. Morals have nothing to do with it. It's an adult arrangement."

But if it was an adult arrangement, why did it seem so childish to me?

"So let me get this straight. We are having sex. We are romancing. We are rendezvousing. We are having fun because we are adults. You are dating perfect young debutantes for Sunday brunch, sleeping with me on Saturday night, lying to potential Jewish wives and neither the twain shall meet?"

"Yes." (as in DUH MIMI I do not wish to say this again)

"I seeee.......I don't know anything about Judaism but would it be OK with you if your bride-to-be and the mother of your children and grandchildren secretly engaged in an adult arrangement with someone else?

Hypothetically speaking, of course."

Ever heard a man cuss in Jewish? It ain't pretty.
I know you may find this hard to believe but I was totally spellbound with disgust and fascination at the same time. I trudge on.

"But what if...."

I could feel his big brown eyes rolling back in his head. ".....what if we get attached. Bam! One day we fall in love. All is right with the world. You want to get married. I want to get married. But lo and behold we cannot because I am not Jewish."

"You have to be Jewish."

"Because I am Jewish."
"Uh huh."
"And I am looking for a Jewish wife."

"But your profile does not say you are Jewish neither does it say you want a concubine while you look for a Jewish wife. This is news to me!.....So tell me, which is correct?"

"I want children. I want a family. You are not Jewish!"

"Does that really matter??" said naive and foolish moi. "I know plenty of inter-faith couples. That's absurd!"

"But you don't want children!"
"Won't. Can't. Nope. Nada."
"So why are we having this conversation?" he asked in total flustration
and disgust.

"Mimi? Why did you let me call you? (because duh you did not tell me you wanted a smutty mistress) It is apparent to me that you have no interest in meeting up with me," he said with some pompousness.
"And I thought we had fantastic chemistry."

Then Scarlett showed up. Damn her.

I batted my Southern eyelashes all the way to his lonely little condo and said,
" I am good enough to bed but not good enough to marry.
I'm just trying to figure out why.."

Long silence. Long loooonnnggg silence. Then he said one of the funniest things a man has ever said to me.

"You are hurting my brain," he said. "Goodnite!!"

You may be shocked to hear this but Scarlett burst into maniacal laughter. The nerve!! I never heard from him again and chalked it up to experience. Until....

Fast forward to this afternoon. Guess who?
An email. He has moved to my city. He is obviously still not married. I am obviously still not Jewish.

I wonder if he wants another brain injury.


Patti said...

Wonderful, Mimi, great post.
You are and always have been the Queen.

Some day I should tell you about the 60+ guys (most of them frogs) I met through two dating services.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

That is a classic! Johnnie Walker says, "Life is strange and then it gets weirder..." This applies here!

Through Thick and Thin said...

my brain hurts too

Finding Pam said...

That was priceless! No wonder he is single.

Anonymous said...

I can think of an injury he deserves. It doesn't involve his brain though. No wonder he's not married.

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - Thank you and DO TELL. You would write it succinctly and it would be a lovely tale.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - Johnnie Walker is right.

Mimi Lenox said...

Debbie - Ha! Then I've made my point.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - Should I or should I not call him? It would make a great story!

Mimi Lenox said...

Mejis - "I can think of an injury he deserves." Bwaahahhhaaa

The truth is there are so many men out of there just like that. They think nothing of it. Sad. Very sad.

katherine. said...

so...he is about 47? never married... and still wants to start a family...still looking for a NSA playmate.

(NSA = No Strings Attached)

ignore him. if Miz Manners is plaguing you then send a short to the point FO email. write him off.

( do I need to spell out FO?)

Bond said...

I went to the dictionary and looked up "A**wipe" His picture was right there

Lorielle said...

LOL He is obviously still not married. I am obviously still not Jewish. Wow!

Anonymous said...

I'm de-lurking and shaking my head, saying over and over... "boys..."

Some boys just have no freaking clue.....

The Gal Herself said...

At the beginning of this post I was all prepared to argue with you. For if I hadn't slept with men I didn't want to have children with, I would still be, as they say, "in tact." (Not true -- said for effect. I believe I technically lost my virginity during a tree climbing mishap in my Grandpa's backyard.) You can have a very fulfilling relationship without marriage and children.

THEN I saw that he intended to still date while shtupping you! Doesn't he recognize that you are royalty and value yourself as such?

The ones I really feel sorry for are the young Jewesses he chose. Imagine how they felt when he explained he situation to them.

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - LOL
No, you do not need to spell it out. Perhaps I'll just send him those two little letters. Wonder if his religion prevents him from abbreviated cursing? Oh, the morality dilemma.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - Why didn't I think of that?

More fodder for the email...

Mimi Lenox said...

Lorielle - Curious,eh?

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - You hit the nail on the head. Lots of men are still boys. He's probably slept with 1,000 women by now. Oh the lucky woman he finds to marry him....

I doubt he'll ever settle down. Why would he? This is too much fun.

Don't get me started.

jennifer said...

I love the combination of innocent curiousity and Scarlet. I'm sure his brain hurt because he felt that he had been slapped.

His Good Jewish Mother must be so proud.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - This man was not after a casual well-defined respectful mature relationship between two consenting adults who might happen to be at a point in their lives when they don't need or want something serious (that is a different story)....this man has no moral fibre and is a user of the worst kind. An insult. What a catch, eh?

The only thing remotely different in this case is that he told me what his intentions were...(but not upfront obviously) how many men are there who DON'T tell you that this is exactly what they are doing? THAT is the scary part.

I do feel sorry for the young naive thing he will eventually find to father his children.
I hope she reads my blog.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jennifer - Slapping might have been the case had we ever actually met in person.

Oh and his mother. Yeah. She must be proud.

Mojo said...

My favorite line? "Then why did you let me call you?" He's not even willing to share responsibility for the phone call.

Third obvious...ity. He is still obviously thinking with his... erm... "southern head" as it were. The injury Mejis describes might not be to his brain, but it would certainly be inflicted on his "nexus of thought and consciousness".

I'm not sure if this kind of chutzpah is more shocking or awing. I mean I give the guy credit for honesty. At least he didn't sweet talk you into bed with promises in the dark. But damn.

If you decided to kick him in the stones, though, they should be an easy target. Noisy too, clanging together like that.

You sure can pick 'em girl. And if this were any other blog, I'd be spewing obscenities right now. But since that sort of thing can land me in the dungeon here, a simple "WTF" will have to suffice. But know this: I could cuss this guy out for 10 minutes straight and never repeat a word.

And if you need any legs broken or anything...

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - Oh I fully understand what he is thinking with.

I do give him somewhat credit for honesty as well. But at the time I was so taken aback. I do know how to pick 'em, don't I?
Thank God for Scarlett!

"I could cuss this guy out for 10 minutes straight and never repeat a word" cracked me up.
I may take you up on the broken bones offer...

Charles Gramlich said...

I'd stay a long, long, long way away from this one. I'm just sayin'

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - I will. But isn't life strange sometimes?

Jamie said...

Isn't it amazing that their heads don't start hurting until they envision a woman of their affections behaving exactly the way they do.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

So being Jewish is the elephant in the room?

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - And sometimes even THAT doesn't compute.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - No, the elephant in the room was being stupid.

Autumn said...

If nothing else, you can entertain yourself with him in a studying-a-bizarre-new-species fashion... lol

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

He needs slap upside the head if you ask me. Then ask him if his brain still hurts.... :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - And I am just the woman to do it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Dawn - I am laughing..! Thinking 'bout you slapping him upside his head. Funny.

What a JERK.

Julie said...

oh my! Absolutely Oh my!

Travis said...

What a jackass.

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - And the audio version was even funnier as you know...

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Jackass is right.

I just saw him the other day STILL on a dating site. I guess he's still looking for a Jewish wife.
That is too funny.

I'm still not Jewish ya know.

Jamie said...

It never ceases to amaze me that this brand of retarded development has never considered the possibility that his "suitable marital target" might be doing exactly what he is doing instead of waiting virginally for this Prince Charming (not) to arrive.

Well done, your majesty.

Michelle said...

I don't think I'll ever understand being "adult" in any shape or form. Whenever the world uses the word it seems to go along with something unpleasant. :-\

My aunt's first boyfriend was half Jewish (dad) half Catholic (mom). His parents were, admittedly, an exceptional exception.

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