Sunday, March 8, 2009

Monday Mimisms ~ Lie To Me and Other Fantasy Men

Can we talk?
First the fantasy men who live in my TV screen. We'll get to the real men in a minute. I never have to cook dinner for them and they always smell good. At least I imagine they do. Neither do they mind my yellow curlers and blogjammies. Rest and relaxation is what I need this week (a dreaded laughing gas dental visit is in store for me. oh joy) and my car is sick. The engine light is screaming pay-attention-to-me. I'm in need of stress relief. And a mechanic. I envision lots of mind-numbing television in the next few days.

My newest infatuations include.....
Lie To Me with London's Tim Roth, a psychological who-done-it thriller that I'm really getting into (never mind I'm a goner for a middle-aged man with a brain AND an accent). "24" has again captured my attention. I stopped watching last season because I couldn't bear the violent scenes. But last week's episode was fabulous and now I can't miss it. Kiefer Sutherland's on screen intensity. Oh yeah. I would totally trust him to take care of me in a dark alley.
Those are my fantasy men.
Then there are the men who live in my computer. Here are a few real conversations I had this week in the lovely land of online dating. You pick. Go ahead. I dare ya.

Ever been introduced to someone for a potential date and you think....hmmm.....maybe....maybe not...I could.....I couldn't....he's cute....he's not so cute...I liked him....not sure but he's interesting.....I'll just get to know him a bit better before I make a decision ...yada yada? I totally think that is normal. Such was the case with guy #1. I wasn't immediately smitten (which can be a good sane thing) but intrigued enough to pursue a conversation and a phone call. Sorta. Maybe. So I'm chatting with him online. He wasn't exactly happy that I insisted on HIS phone number instead of revealing mine (red flag #1) He impatiently gives me his number. I call with my unavailable unidentifiable number, of course. He knows I am calling at that moment. It goes to voice mail. I leave a message but do not leave my number (DUH!) I call back a few minutes later. He was "on the other line" with someone and I told him I'd call back later. (Mimi's first mistake) "Why don't you just give me your number?" he asked. (red flag #2) My son called and my later got later so I emailed instead. He pops up in chat a couple of days later. Below is a paraphrased but almost verbatim version of what happened.

Him: "You never called me back."
Me: "I emailed you and explained why. I got no response."
Him: "But didn't you notice that I am no longer on that dating site?"
Me: "How could I have emailed you if you deleted yourself?"
Him: "So why didn't you call me?"
Me: "I just explained that but since you apparently didn't get my email I'll tell you again." (mental note: This is already too exhausting)
Me: So. You are no longer on the site. Did you find a girl?" (I notice that I am hoping he did)
Him: Yes
Me: ahhh....good for you
Him: It is you

Me: Oh that is sweet but silly. We haven't even met.
Him: It was too much to keep up with and my only interest was you. I told you this in so many words! I was hoping you'd feel the same (keep in mind we haven't MET and I am smelling a rat). I am interested in you for a lifetime (keep in mind we haven't MET)
Me: (at which point I interjected a rather loud L.O.L. that could have been heard in Southeast Asia) I said, "Forgive my skepticism but....."
Are you ready for this, my bloggy friends?
Him: I wish for you to email photos so that I can admire that beauty

Never mind that he insulted the integrity of my pencil skirt but
"I wish for you?" I WISH for you? Who says "I WISH FOR YOU?!"
Admire this, Buster. Next!

Profile says: 48, professional, educated, doting father, all good, attractive, within 50 miles of Bloggingham
We exchange two emails. One short phone conversation. Then we begin chatting on messenger. Three days pass with no communication which is cool with me. I'd prefer that he initiate.
Then this.
Him: Have you been calling my cell phone with the "unavailable" number?
Me: No. Not me.
Me: You must have a secret admirer (that was cute, wasn't it? wasn't it?)
Him: i hate games
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You are playing a game with me
Me: Oh please.
Him: I hate games especially when a woman will not even email me!

**All male bloggy friends should now cover their ears.
I am not talking to you, okay? You are all wonderful....**

Are all men insane?
Would somebody tell me why one would think a woman is "playing games" just because she wants to take her time and go slow? And why does a guy think they can push a woman immediately into CONSTANT communication before they even meet when all she wants to do is get to know them at a reasonable pace before she decides to meet them? All of which I pounded into the keyboard at an alarming rate of speed leaving out that I think he may be an axe murderer and is completely nuts.
I am the sane one here! Shut up Homer.

So, Kiefer. I pick you.
You have my heart in your hands already.
You wouldn't lie to me, would ya?


Copyright © 2006-2009 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.


Smorg said...

Wow... Why am I feeling lucky for not having ever been on a dating website? :oP I think I'll just get a cat and resign myself to pampering him instead! ;o)

meleah rebeccah said...

Tim Roth & the show Lie to me are awesome. But my heart belongs to Alec Baldwin.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

ummmm, he really said that????

Oye Oye !!!!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Meleah really likes Alec Balwin ... I think we should set them up, no???

Lois Grebowski said...

Yep, you found two winners there (cough, cough).

I don't miss those days...Just remember --- when it's right it will all fall into will get there.

Mimi Lenox said...

Smorg - Sounds like a plan. Save yourself the insanity.

Mimi Lenox said...

Meleah - I appreciate your adoration of the unattainable fantasy men really I do but have you no advice on the crazy men here? I was counting on you!

Did you make it to New York yesterday? Hmmmmm? I'll be by..

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - Cross my heart he said that...and more. I should write a book.

Meleah and Alec: we'll work on it. Shh! Don't tell her.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - That's what everybody says. And you'll sell me some swampland where??

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. Lois -

Got that?

Margo Moon said...

Your "Next!" made me laugh out loud.

I have a friend who never has to tell me the current guy has been thrown out. She just greets me with "Next!"

Charles Gramlich said...

That a lovely woman would find Tim Roth attractive generates hope in the bodies of many many men who are just not that attractive.

Mimi Lenox said...

Margo - I'm changing my middle name to NEXT.
Too funny.

Mimi Lenox said...

P.S. Margo - I say that with my colleagues when I come into work on Monday mornings. One look at me and they all say "Next!"
It's funny.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles- First, thank you for the compliment. Secondly, maybe I should take another look. Bwaahhaahhhaa!!
Just kidding!

Seriously, I adore intensity and BRAINS plus anybody who can kick someone's backside should I need them to. (That's where Keifer comes in....) but now that you mention, neither one of them are my physical "type". I usually go for dark hair.

Same thing with House. He's not really attractive but that surly cerebralism (is that a word?) gets me every time.

The Gal Herself said...

Oh, Lord! Reading your post made hiding under the covers (alone) sound just that much more attractive. I emailed a guy from a personal and talked to him on the phone ONCE and then changed my mind. My radar was going up. I wanted to meet him the first time in a REALLY public place that I could get to and from on my own steam and he was resistant to that (wanting to pick me up, go in his car, have a formal date ...). It just didn't feel right, so I called to cancel. IN PLENTY OF TIME. Like three or four days before, not the day of. He went from pissed to spooky. He actually asked me if I was with a guy who was "holding" me in "some kind of hostage situation." IT WAS SO FANTASTICALLY WEIRD I JUST COULDN'T HANG UP FAST ENOUGH. Shudder. So you're not alone, Your Highness. I feel like I attract nuts the way iron filings are drawn to a magnet.

Mimi Lenox said...

Gal - You only did it once? Oh, come one. Join the party!
Can't you see what fun I'm having?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are 18 emails sitting in my inbox today from the past week. I cannot even open some of them. With names like "motorcyclemania" "birdman" and my personal favorite "hooters2000"....I cannot.

The percentage of stalkers, illiterate but well-meaning people and just plain crazies is SO MUCH HIGHER than your normal average guy on a dating site trying to meet someone. It's a maze of confusion. My radar is ALWAYS up and I'll admit I'm a bit jaded at this point.

No. A lot.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

My, this is way too complicated for me. Yikes.

Have a terrific day. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Bond said...

Well, Kiefer was all ready to start a communication with you, but then you called him Keith and he just HATES that...

Akelamalu said...

I don't think I'd be getting in touch with either of those again.:(

Autumn said...

Note to self: If I must ever begin dating again, avoid any man that isn't on my TV. Preferrably the cute guy.
Mimi, I'm so sorry you have these interactions. But keep on writing about them if you do! They're hilarious! ...sorry...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

That conversation was very weird. I'm sure mem meet some strange women online as well.

Southern (in)Sanity said...

"Are all men insane?"

I wish for you not to make such a blanket comment.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - Me too!

Mimi Lenox said...

Vinny - I don't blame him! What was I thinking? I changed it.

I hope he didn't read this.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - You don't have to worry about that, my dear.

Mimi Lenox said...

Autumn - Truth is sometimes stranger - and funnier - than fiction.
Now snuggle up close to your husband tonight..

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc - I'm sure they do. This was not meant to bash all men. I just told what happened. There are equally mind-numbing interactions from the female side as well.

I might even be guilty of such a thing.

Mimi Lenox said...

Southern - LOL
I did warn all my male readers to look away at the forthcoming rant.
I was having a moment.

Of course I don't believe all men are insane.....just these two.

Mimi Lenox said...

NOTE - I have amended a disclaimer for my wonderful male bloggy friends. You know I'm not talking 'bout you. But ya gotta admit, these was very strange.

Linda said...

Why is it all the good men are on TV??

We've started watching "Lie to Me" at work and it really is a pretty good show - very well acted and quite interesting.

Have you checked out "Eleventh Hour"?? Ah, the eyes on that man!!

Ferd said...


As I was reading, I was thinking, "attagirl!," I mean "attaQueen!," and "right on!," then "exactly!," and "way to go!," and "you go, sister!," but then you have to finish with Butthead Sutherland. WTF!?!

Can you give me Homer's number? WHY NOT!? I want it and I want it NOW!

Ricardo said...

Well the first guy seemed a bit to clingy. I saw red flags.

Personally I use "I command you" instead of "I wish for you to."

Little humor there.

The second guy seemed to just be at the end of his rope with online dating and has now become callus and defensive. If he's already frustrated with the situation as a whole then things like the calling with unknown numbers will set him off. He's thinking you're up to something.

Remember, for all the nonsense you have put up with there are guys putting up with nonsense from the female side.

So the whole thing becomes a vicious circle. I think online is really not the best place to meet people. There's to much to misread.

But then again it works out wonderfully for a select few.

John said...

Are all men insane? No, not all. 80%. Same as women.

luzdeluma said...

Some serious problem with me! I do not obtain to find favour in the ones of the screen, only the ones that I can see and apalpar! But it chose well its unit very! ;) Beijus

Mojo said...

Well... look at it this way. At least you're getting some kind of response. Me? I get nothin'. Zip. Nada. Bagel. Goose egg. Bupkes. Doughnut. Zilch. (Are you getting a word picture here?)

But on those rare occasions when one responds to my initiatives (not quite bupkes in those cases, but close enough), I always give up my digits -- and make a point of telling her how to suppress caller ID (*67 for those who don't know) if she wants to. I figure this helps defuse the apprehension.

Unfortunately it usually defuses the opportunity as well. Don't ask me why, I've given up trying to understand it.

I'd say I don't know why I still bother, but (closer to) the truth is that I actually don't still bother. Who needs this?

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - No, I do not believe that all the good men are only on television. But it's fun to watch.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Homer has an undisclosed unlisted number. And he has a date tonight.
Wouldn't ya know it?

But thanks for looking out for me, my friend.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ricardo - The best comment of the day on this subject. You are right. Too much to "misread" when you're not face-to-face and it makes for poor first impressions.

The unknown number thing. I stand by that rule. I've given my number out to guys before who ended up stalking/calling in the middle of the night and I had to change it twice. I know that goes both ways too. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment.

Mimi Lenox said...

John> - Absolutely agreed.
I think....

Mimi Lenox said...

Luz - Face time is best, yes.
Sometimes this is a start..

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - "Who needs this?" was my exact feeling the moment I wrote the post. Thank goodness I vented to a real friend before I wrote down the rest of it for all of you to read.

Misty Dawn said...

Ahhh yes, I could totally take Jack Bauer... or Dr. House... *sigh*

Oh yeah... the married thing... I forget.
*sigh again*

Ricardo said...

Thanks. Your post got me thinking about how we can misread things for the worse even though there are no ill intentions.

Mimi, you gotta protect your privacy. There are lots of crazy people out there and you know that if you had to change numbers twice. I mean really, calling in the middle of the night? I have no clue what those guys were thinking. Not a clue.

The world of dating is a perilous one.

Mimi Lenox said...

Misty - I love intense brainy men. You can fantasize. It's legal.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ricardo - I couldn't believe it either. It was early on before I knew how many unstable people were really out there (naive, I know) but one night he just kept dialing over and over and then emailing about me not picking up. It was scary. Very scary.
That same guy (or at least that picture) is STILL on the site.

The privacy thing: A lot of guys do not understand why I won't give out all the information from the beginning. I call it the "Interview Questions", name, kids, stats, phone, location, etc"...NO WAY...I have to figure out first if they are real (I've talked to one Nigerian scam artistI know for sure using an American picture), how old their pics are, talk on the phone to see if they sound "normal"....

Oh. Lord. This is just making me exhausted thinking about it.

Starrlight said...

Wanna know what the speed dating version of online dating is? Play a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game.

Nothing like being asked to describe your "IRL (in real life) Tits" by a green troll.

Southern's comment made me snort coke out my nose :P

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - Role playing doth equal Online Dating. A few should win Academy Awards for their efforts - and then go to prison.

Describe my tits to a green troll?
(There must be some symbolism I am missing???)

I just got it (I think)

Mimi Lenox said...

Starr - And now I'm reminded on that horrible speed dating thing I did a few years ago. It was in the fancy-schmancy Presbyterian Church. The man was falling down drunk. He asked if I knew where the Adult Toy Store was in my area?

I kid you not.
I waited for God to strike him dead right then and there.

No such luck.

Travis said...

I never believed those were real people on those commercials for dating websites. Hang in there darlin!

thepeartreeblog said...

That was enlightening, Mimi. I had no idea people could get sooooo wrong when communicating with each other through dating sites. Makes me... run away from them far, far away.


Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - I doubt they are real. But Vinny and that is real. And I hope they get to make a commercial.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pear - Wrong. So wrong.

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