Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Got Arrested On Christmas Eve




Well. Almost.
All I wanted was a crown. A new one. A shiny one. Just one. To put in my Christmas stocking.

And I almost had one in my hot little hands.

Had it not been for the telephone.

A plethora of crowns! Right in front of me. Blue ones, purple ones, silver ones! I was trying to decide which one to buy when the blasted phone rang right there in Toys Ain'ta Us.

No, I don't mean my cellphone.
I mean the large black customer service phone that hangs on the wall in every department store. Annoying!!! Ring! Ring! Ring!
Hush......would you just hush! I'm trying to pick out a crown here. Can't you see I'm a Queen?!!
And then it happened.
I don't know what possessed me. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't concentrate. The ringing had to stop.


Yes. I did.
"Mimi Pencil Skirt. May I help you?"

"Could you assist a customer in electronic toys please, aisle 3?"
"Well....I....well....sure.....uh...."
Silence.

I was in over my pencil head.

"Who is this?"



said the very busy and up-to-her-eyeballs-in -screaming children- salesclerk.


Gulp.
"A customer," I meekly and sweetly said."You're not supposed to answer the phone!!"
"I know that..... "
"Hang up the phone, lady!"

"......but it was ringing and I was here."
Click.




Thank goodness the pink feather boas and fancy fans were within reach right beside the tiny tinsel tiaras.....
I think I'm in trouble. What else is new?
For weeks now I've been ruminating in that pencil brain of mine just how I could pull off a caper in the local Toys'Ain'ta'Us joint without getting caught. I had to pick the busiest day of the year: the eve of the eve of Christmas Eve.
And I had to pick up the phone.
Eve....n so, it almost worked.

I quickly headed north to the silk flower arrangements in the back of the store. They wouldn't find me there. I was sure of it. I took the pink fluff with me, a ballerina Barbie dress just in case I had to change clothes and a wand.
Don't ask me why I needed a wand.

It just seemed appropriate.
And I would have been OK had it not been for those singing Spanish Abuelita dolls: Tita Abuelita, Pancho Abuelita, Baby Abuelita, Tita Abuelita and just plain Abuelita (Spanish for Grandmother) How could this be correct? They can't ALL be abuelitas! Only the Grandmother can be an abuelita. This is false advertising if I ever saw it. And believe me, I was not amused. So I thought I'd listen to their song first before I busted 'em.

I pressed the little button. Grandpa sang Frere Jacques en Espanol with a heavy American accent. French and Spanish AND gender misappropriation. No wonder our children are confused.
No Spanish Child Left Behind
has made a total mess of things.

Papa sang bass, grandma sang something akin to croaking and baby sang a light little American song. Confused again. But I thought it might be nice to hear a quartet before I got arrested, so I played them all at once just for spite.
It was lovely!
I rearranged them. Oh so deliberately. Soprano beside bass, Baby soprano beside abuelita, Tenor beside ailing Grandpa and on and on. What fun!
Then I noticed that there were 12 more little abuelitas on the shelf underneath.


A whole choir. I'm in Heaven!
I tried to film a video of the "Sounds of Abuelita" but kept having to hide my camera in the folds of the ballerina crinoline. Story of my life.


I haven't had this much fun since I asked people in the local Laundromat if I could watch their clothes. And I was having a grand time in the culturally confused Christmas rush until a whistle blower showed up.
"What are you doing?"
"I wanted to hear them sing."
"We don't allow people to rearrange the toys."
"Well, maybe I want to buy more than one. I need to see if their voices blend, don't I?"
She looked at me holding a pink feather fan with a cart full of mismatched crowns and the smell of black telephone vapor on my hands and said something in her brain that I can't repeat. And it was Christmas! How rude. Is there a law against playing Abuelita dolls? I think not. The sign on Pancho's hand clearly stated......

"Press my hand. I sing."

I had to. It was a compulsion. And I'm a Queen ya know! I have certain undeniably certifiable imaginary rights! I'm a Queen, I say, a Queen! With royal privileges and invisible servants and a bunch of crowns and a castle and everything. I should be able to hear the Abuelitas.
It's a free country!!
The Spanish babies kept singing. I continued to inhale and choke on feathers.
And then I remembered I'd forgotten the shoes. So I headed south back to the pink Barbie department to find them. Whew! They were still there.

Aren't they lovely?
And then it happened.




The phone rang.


Not the one on the wall this time, the one in my purse.
It was my sister. "Whatcha doing?"
"Trying not to get arrested in the toy store. I had to go hide...and...."
"Why are you whispering?"
"Don't tell me."
"Well, I just wanted a crr...."
"Don't tell me."
"But...
"This is why I don't go shopping with you anymore."
Click.
I guess she forgot that she asked for shoes this Christmas. She won't be getting them now. Maybe she'd like a nice pink feather boa instead......

Note: This post was written in 2007 and revived for your viewing pleasure. Way past time for a silly post. I had this ready before the Christmas stress. Thank you for all the support and love I received during this time last year. I hope you enjoyed this post.



Copyright © 2008 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

27 comments:

carol g said...

I am so glad you have such an exciting life... and will write about it. Thank you... I enjoy your escapades!!

tarheelrambler said...

It would be worth the price of admission to go shopping with Your Highness just once. I would even bring a video camera to preserve the event for future generations. (And video might come in handy if we ended up in court.) Thanks for putting a smile on my face for the day.

Oh, by the way. There's a rumor that your name was mentioned in the latest post over on my blog.

Don said...

Next year. You. Me. Shopping!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Oh Lord. I don't want to ever go shopping with you. Okay, I hate to shop, but oh Lord. Bwahahahahahah.

Have a great day honey. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Carol - Sometimes my life is not sooo exciting. Then I have to make it so.
I seriously do not know how I didn't get in trouble for answering that phone.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - I love rumors! I'll be right there.
And thank you....I think.

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - Oh Sandee...you know you want to go shopping with me. You could go back to California and nobody would ever know what trouble we got into...until the blog post.

Summer said...

See that's what happens when you try and help. Ungrateful!

BTW the shoes are magnificent. I say you buy them for yourself!

Mimi Lenox said...

Summer - I did!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Don - Duet shopping...interesting...let me google it first.

It could be fun!
Or we could get arrested.
Take your pick.

Ferd said...

Greatness is often misunderstood in its own time. You were just trying to help, I know.
Next time, maybe just go down to aisle 3 and help the person in electronic toys. That would make a pretty funny story, too!

This is a Christmas Classic. I hope we get a rerun every year! : )

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Laughing at your first sentence you sarcastic little Tarheelian you. (bwaahhaahhaa....but funny, nonetheless)

I should have skipped the drama and proceeded to aisle 3. But I would have had to ditch the boa. Or not!

Next time....
I'm cooking up a Christmas caper as we blogspeak.

Charles Gramlich said...

You remind me of the tom Hanks character in Big. lol.

bundleocontradictions said...

You know what? You've inspired me. I'm gonna go online & find a tiara & I'm gonna buy it & wear it @ home whenever I want! Really, I am. I've always wanted a crown & there's no rule that says I can't have one!

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - I hope that's a good thing.

Autumn - Oh yay! I've inspired you to crownhood.
I'm so excited. Please send a pic!

Shannon H. said...

I would love to go shopping with you! Would be a blast.

Did you get a new crown after all of that? What color?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Try not to get arrested this year, Mimi. We don't want you making a habit of it.

mark's tails said...

Hilarious, I think it would be a hoot to shop with you as long as I could carry a get out of jail free card!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

ummm, yes. I make anouncements with those phones on the wall. I just cannot help it. Like a button that says, "do not press" ... I must press.
I do not think the blog world could handle the Queen in jail. There would be chaos in the streets of Bloggingham for sure. I would break you out with a tank. There was a good deal on EBAY.

SMASH BANG Ka BOOOOM!!!!!!!!!
(cement fallinf and bricks tumbling)

Hop in Mimi, Speedy Cat is here to save you!

Driving away in my big green tank now ..... vroom vroom!

Lets try the cannon.


Kaaaa P O W !!!!!!!!!


hug hug - you are so fun Mimi
Great post :-)

Speedcat Hollydale said...

The snow flakes are really coming down - have a toboggan?

The Gal Herself said...

Reading this reminded me of the day I was tossed out of the Nixon Presidential Library. We should hang together. (But wait! Who would make bail?)

Starrlight said...

Oh I shudder to remember those Toys R Us Days. Those mothers.....shudder!

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - I knew you would rescue me. (imagine Scarlett eyelashes lowering to an appreciative gaze...)

Will they let me have lip gloss in jail?

Mimi Lenox said...

Shannon - Let's go! A new crown and shoes....didn't you see?

Eric - And gloves to match.

Gal - We'd have to have a few bloggers on standby with bail money and tanks (see Speedy's comment above). Getting thrown out the Presidential Library sounds much more scandalous than the local toy store. Do tell!

Starr - Was it that bad?
Yes, I imagine it was. No fun there.

Lucy said...

This is so so funny Mimi!!
I would love to explore a toy store with you! OR a real shoe store! Thanks for the much needed laughter!

Don said...

"It could be fun!
Or we could get arrested.
Take your pick."


Why choose when we can do both? :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Lucy - Anytime!

Don - I've never been arrested. Is it fun? Do they have nail salons in jail?

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