Saturday, November 15, 2008

I'd Like A Sexy Brain To Go, Please

I know hate is a strong word but I LOATHE DETEST HATE HATE HATE (sorry for yelling) dating sites. Have I expressed my opinion clearly enough?Not since I was a wee Princess thumbing through the Sears & Roebuck catalog have I seen such false advertisement. At least these guys were wearing sexy underwear.

I think I'm pretty realistic. I don't expect perfection. These days I'm looking for AMAZING LEGS PEEKING OUT OF BOXERS your everyday ordinary Castle Prince-In-Waiting who looks good in a baseball cap and can make me laugh. But more than that.....

I'd like a man with a sexy brain. Period.

I have come to the conclusion that I know less about men than a convent full of frustrated nuns.
In fact, my incompetence is my new strength.

We should take a clue from these old Sears ads. Plump was the new sexy and the new heart attack. There was no false advertising at all. If everybody posted pics like this then nobody would be shocked on the first date when you finally meet and they are 100 pounds heavier than the profile photograph. That would be progress. And honesty.

That is, if you ever make it to the first meeting.

I am contacted frequently by men on dating sites. They are ALL wrong for me. And generally insane.

Men should just spell it out like this from the beginning. It would save a load of time:

1) I will write you but if you talk back to me I will run away2) I will wink at you (yes, I'm talking to you Match dot Dumb) but if you wink back I will run.
3) If you write me first, I will bask in the glory of your attention, flip my toupee over a few times and then run far far away
4) But if you are looking for a "fit" guy with a protruding belly then I'm your man.

Yes. Really.

Here's only part of my dating disaster for the last month. I'm saving the rest for a novel.
It is all true.

A. A blind "phone" date. He saw me at the Beauty Salon. He asked my hairdresser for my number. She gave me his number. I had noticed a very attractive man in the waiting area. I thought it might be the same one. I called (my first mistake). He drove a concrete truck. Part time. Here are the highlights but not nearly the worst part. He used "ain't got no" nine times in the first five minutes while I languished in shock. "I ain't got no wife." I ain't got no children. I ain't got no computer." (big surprise there..) and lastly (the most important part)
"I ain't got no divorce yet."
"Where's your wife?" I asked.
"She's been missing. I ain't seen her in weeks."
Maybe someone should check the concrete truck.

I'm checking in the phone book for a new hairdresser.

B) A doctor (suuurre.....) from my area who never pops into my messenger window before 11:00 pm. He tells me his "real" name, his "real" town, his son's name, his son's school, his marital history, his musical genius and his lengthy medical pedigree. He asked me to lunch. I said yes and asked what day would be convenient for him? He suddenly has to go. He returns the next night. "Are we going to meet or not?" he asked. "Uhh.....yes. What day would you like to meet?" No answer. He has to go. Next night. Same ridiculous scenario.
I told him "Look. You are either married or hiding from your girlfriend. Get lost."

C) A dentist. From my very own town. Eureka! Perfect! He writes an email. He is 6'4". I am not. My first mistake was answering this email. I once dated a 6'5" guy. Just toooo tall. Seriously!

So the dentist makes a joke about how maybe we wouldn't be able to dance. And I, in my pencil skirt way, answered him...
"Au contraire. Maybe I could stand on your feet. Wink. Wink." (Yes, I'm talking to you Mimi Dot Dumb)

Don't guys love it when you speak a foreign language?
I think my dating incompetence just sunk to a new level of low
He answers my lame attempt at funny with this, "Actually I am attracted to women smaller in 5'2" is perfect, (smiling) and that's the truth. Thanks for writing." I AM 5'2!!!
Novocaine anyone? Sigh.

D) This from a 53-year-old man with aforementioned protrusion. As God as my witness his email read:
"I smiled at the picture an waited, but there was no flash, would like to know if you would be interested in talking an see where we go from there, Thanks."

Doesn't he know you have to push the button first?

E) Two weeks worth of emails and chats from a very cute guy who is an Engineer. He wanted to talk philosophy for an entire week which got completely boring and unnecessary after the first 2 emails but I trudged on. Will he ever ask me out? And then POOF he was gone. Why do guys contact you, flirt with you, pursue you and then D.I.S.A.P.P.E.A.R.? I swear I didn't mention my cooking. It is a waste of my time. Totally. Did I mention that I HATE HATE HATE dating sites?

(F) I am contacted by Mr. Handsome. He writes, "You are stunning!!" My heart melted. Expecting to find a blind man, I read his profile. He was apparently grounded and trying to escape from his room. He was 27.
I am not.

(G) And finally....A wink. It was not a God Wink. He wants someone to make Christmas dinner with him. Bwaahaahaha......apparently, he doesn't read my blog. He misspelled Christmas and America in one paragraph. I would show you how but I can't bear to do it. His profile reads, " i am both a widower and divorce from my second wife"
Can I make this up??!!
I'm so done.

So here's my new ad:

"Stupid female Floozy nymphomaniac willing to date ignorant men who love NASCAR, bowling, and slaughter the English language. Must have fake medical degrees, love to play doctor, live with your mama, be unreliably unpredictable and rude and put up with sex at least 12 times a week. You don't even have to buy dinner. You must be a blogger because I'm not 'splainin this again. No strings. No emails. No chat. No pen pals. No Thanksgiving turkey. No commitment necessary. Ever."

Signed... Mimi Mannequin.

Here's my new photograph. I'll just stand there and look pretty.

Not a brain in sight.

And if I don't hear from a sane man in the next 24 hours I'm switching teams!!
We're not talking baseball, Buster.


Namnet said...

I see that men are the same all over the world...
I think I know the B) and E) lookalikes. And I met three G)s. After meeting the last one I´ve started to think about being a lesbian. Or maybe a nun. Or maybe both.
Ok, perhaps I won´t be any of those, but I just understand what you mean:-)

Mimi Lenox said...

Namnet - It disappoints me to know that men are like this all over the world. I was thinking of moving....still am. Are you SURE??!

Carver said...

I couldn't stop laughing through this entire post. We used to joke around and say: I ain't got no . . . (fill in the blank) but I suppose I'm protected. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that with a straight face.

Then there was your height issue (or the prospective dates). My brother is 6'5" and his wife is 5' which took my sisters and I some getting used to. My brother and his wife have both done a number of triathlons, and are both athletic. They have many interests in common. But boy is there a big height difference. To me, the funniest part is their sons were almost as tall as their mother by about age 8 since they take after my side of the family.

I did laugh when you mentioned the height issue because that's the first thing I noticed about my sister in law. It was hard getting used to the idea of my brother with someone that much shorter than he is. Doesn't seem to bother them though.

Good luck with prince charming. I collect frogs and if you're ever in my area feel free to come kiss them. Seriously, my garden is filled with frogs (stone, wire, etc.). I'll even clean them up if you want to try a little kiss and see what happens.

Mimi Lenox said...

Carver - I am DONE DONE DONE kissing frogs. (sorry for yelling)
Did I make myself perfectly clear??!
I am seriously DONE FINISHED KAPUT with dating. I'm convinced there isn't a sane man left on the planet. Gosh, I hope my male readers aren't taking this seriously. Of course they're excluded!


Hahn at Home said...

Mimi - You'd be sorely disappointed. The other team is the same.

We should collaborate on the book.

katherine. said...

I had to come in from Reader to comment on this one...match dot dumb is...not quite as bad as craigslist...but still...

step out of the fray for a week or two....then rewrite your profile(s)and go again.

do you ever initiate contact?

Mimi Lenox said...

Lori - Say it ain't so...

Mimi Lenox said...

Crushed - K. So I travel to the UK wearing my pencil skirt and follow you around to pubs. Do you read my blog??!! Do you know what disaster that spells?

I have no trouble getting attention. It's just the wrong kind. Where did I wrong? Is this punishment for some kind of previous life SIN??!!

Speedcat Hollydale said...


I would love a woman that smiled all the time, and french kissed me in public.

Ha haaaaa !!!!!!!!!!

.... in all sincerity, sweetness is paramount. The most beautiful woman in the world can be a bag of sand. Sweetness twinkles from the eyes, and makes my heart skip ma beat.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

"a beat" ... not "ma beat"

Ma Beat used to kick me in the shin bone ((smile))

Mimi Lenox said...

Kat - I rarely initiate contact. But your idea is a good one. I think I should start from scratch all over again. But right now, my heart is just not in it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - I would love a woman that smiled all the time, and french kissed me in public. And why is that hard to find? Seriously?

I'll keep that "eye twinkle" thing in mind. Practicing my sweetness now.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

It's not hard to find, but a love that has true passion into the future is one in a million. Light hearted romance fades; love conquers a man. In a crowd of thousands, her face would be the only one that shines ...

Patti said...

Mimi, I thought at first this was a humor post, then I realized you were being serious, then I thought it was funny.
Now I honestly don't know.

Ralph and I met through a dating service.
It worked for us, but it took me many, many, many 'tries' to find him.

Take a short break, like Katherine said, then try it again. I guess that is my advice.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - " conquers a man. In a crowd of thousands, her face would be the only one that shines ..." that was lovely.

Toulouse said...

At my age, I have had my share of dating experiences! I was married for 21 years with three lovely daughters; and divorced by the age of 42! It was then that I was exposed to online dating! (Didn't have it back when I was young). After almost ten years of what you are going through, I did really fall in love and married a man I met online! Our marriage only lasted two years which basically failed due to problems with his children from his former marriage! Can't totally blame it all on the children, I guess. However, I do miss marriage, but I have sadly lost trust in the opposite sex. I've also learned that I can only depend on myself and I've learned to like my life this way! My cat, Toulouse, is my loyal and faithful companion.

I would not give up though. I still dearly love my second EX and I would never have met him if it wasn't through a dating service. So I wish you well. Take a short break from dating if necessary and when it feels right -- give it another change or switch services. I'm a true believer in "If it is meant to be -- it will be!" Can't wait to read your novel!

Your Friend,

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - Well, as you know, I do use humor sometimes to voice my frustrations and pains in life. Glad to make you smile. There is sooo much ridiculous-ness (is that a word?) and insincerity on dating sites...and just plain inconsideration. It is truly a game to many and I get soooo tired of wasting my time talking to guys who have no interest in anything but the length of my skirt.

Ferd said...

Whoa! She is HOT!!! Got that mannequin's number?
; )

Mimi Lenox said...

Michelle - It's difficult not to become jaded as we go along in a midlife single existence. Middle-aged dating and love is sooo different. It can be incredibly intense and special - as I experienced with my last boyfriend - or it can be bitterly disappointing.

I am happy and content with "me"...that is for sure.
But I miss being in love. There's no denying that.

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Another man not interested in my brain. Throwing things at the monitor!!!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahaha. Love your new profile and photograph. Think you'll do better? Bwahahahahaha.

I know you are done, but this post is hilarious.

Have a great day. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - I like my new look. And I'll never have a bad hair day.

Finding Pam... said...

My sister had a date from hell. She met this man on an internet dating service. Then they talked on the phone. She really liked this guy and his profile was great.(that should be a clue)But he kept cancelling coffee with her.

When he finally showed up, he was already seated in the booth. She was happy and they had a good conversation, until it came time to leave. When he stood up he was really short. My sister is 5'2" and he was not much taller than her. Much to her dismay, she said why did you say you were 6' tall? She called him a liar and stormed out the coffee shop.

I still laugh at this story because the guy called and ask if they could still be friends. He was afraid to tell her he was short and thought if they connected through the phone that she would not care he was so short.

Hang in there, just stop looking and the right man will find you.

Mimi Lenox said...

Pam - What you described in so typical. I've had many one-dinner or one-coffee dates for the very same reasons. I adore tall men. I am 5'2" so 5"11 to 6'1 is lovely and perfect for me. We all have our preferences, don't we? It doesn't mean we're shallow.It just means we know (by this age) what type of guy we're attracted to etc etc...

They lie about everything. Jobs, height, marital status (the biggie)..."Oh...I forgot to tell you, Mimi. I'm almost divorced. yada yada."

Bye-bye. Almost is not divorced. What your sister went through was a WASTE of her precious time. I've had these things happen too. In one instance the guy was clearly 20 years older than his profile picture.

After a while, you don't believe anything anyone tells you. Seriously!

OK. I will stop looking (I really already have). Let's see if he "finds" me.

Julie said...

How many hours left? Oh Mimi.......I truly can't imagine what you're going through. I have nothing...absolutely nothing witty or encouraging to say.

Just don't stop being YOU.


Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - I like me. I think I'll date myself. Ha!

Vodka Mom said...

THAT was a brilliant post. LOVED IT!!!

ha ha. and yes, you are one hot mannequin.

Mojo said...

You could do a lot worse than dating yourself. Which isn't a claim just anybody can make ;)

Charles Gramlich said...

Well, not to toot my own horn but I guess all the good ones are taken. ;)

Mimi Lenox said...

Vodka - The look is beginning to grow on me and it saves so much money on makeup too...Thanks!

Mimi Lenox said...

Mojo - Thanks...nice of you to say.

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - Not all...but many have apparently disappeared into thin air and hiberate on dating sites. And to think I lost my head over it!

Bond said...

Batter Up!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - Ha ha ha...

Jeff B said...

It's the bottom of the ninth, everybody else is out, he's got no balls and nearly three strikes against him.

She swings and it's a hit!

Mimi Lenox said...

Stop the baseball violence!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A classic Mimi popst. Definately a Quality Post. Those old ads are something. How did women get themselves into that? It must have been interesting trying to get out!

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean - I shudder at the thought.

Anndi said...

I've kissed many, many, many frogs... many.

You'll find him. Probably not on a dating website... one day he'll walk into your life. Just remember to show him your whole face. ;)

Michelle said...

I did find my husband online and he has both:
A - a brain
B - a tendancy to act like a true knight. ;-)

...BUT I didn't find him on a dating site. I found him on a forum discussing ancient history, science and archeology. Nope, I'm not really wildly interested in any of those. I wandered in accidentally, made two new girl friends there and hung around for the few brief discussions that lowered to my level.

Then one day in walked a highlander who caught my attention by supporting me in my outraged defense of the illustrious game of Cricket against the jokes of the heathen unbelievers. I actually started inviting him into chat as a gooseberry, because he was a gentleman knight. At that time I was trying to learn computer html from a jovial, but lecherous Texan who kept digressing onto whether I was wearing underwear. With my Scottish knight in the room the Texan would behave. Eventually the Texan drifted into the traditional sunset (his girlfriend discovered he was cyber cheating with several other girls and severed his home internet connection... which was fair, considering what she could have severed).

...and the true knight asked the lady of the Southern lands if she'd marry him and let him take her name, as an act of feminist solidarity, and how could she resist? A man with brains AND pro-feminist? *swoon*

Interesting thing is that archeology forum has seen three weddings over the past six years. Brainy men really are sexy. :-D

oh... and I'm 5 foot 3 and he's 6 foot.

Lee said...

I wish I could offer a solution to your dilemma, my Queen, but alas I'm unqualified. Being a dumb, married, out-of-shape, 6'2" male, I can't offer solace on any count. Maybe if you took cooking lessons you might run into a couple of candidates for suitor-in-waiting. Who knows? You might even meet an intelligent, single chef and all your problems would be solved.

gel said...

Hi Mimi,
I'm here from Lucy's site because I purposely randomly clicked on a link there. Your blog is a treasure trove! I have only read a few posts, but wow, this is a fun place, besides the utmost seriousness of blogging for peace.

As to this post, sexy brain: yes!
Your ad: ROFL!
Those Sears ads: OMG! Lol

I'm bookmarking you to return. Thanks for the midnight-ish break.

jennifer said...

Time for me to admit that I was thinking "griping" thoughts about my husband today. I think I will slip in and kiss him on the cheek while he is sleeping. I am suddenly SO thankful for the mundane and monotanous-ness of 17 years together. And yes, I am loving his brain right now too!

You are a queen. You KNOW the story will involve a Prince, so don't despair.

Desert Songbird said...

You know, Mimi, I really do NOT envy you your single-ness. What a bunch of losers. You deserve so much more; a sexy brain is the bare minimum.

mw said...

I'm guessing the engineer would probably ask the same question you are asking - "Will she ever ask me out?".

Dating sites have set up a terrible dynamic between men and women, and the result isn't even slightly satisfactory for either sex in most cases.

I loved the humor in this post, though I resented some of the conclusions you've drawn about the behaviour of the men you've encountered. It all makes sense, and it all fits a pattern, albeit a sad pattern. Certainly not evil, at least not most of the time.

I appreciate how well you write - thank you for this post.

Take care and good luck. It isn't easy...

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