I'd Like A Sexy Brain To Go, Please

I know hate is a strong word but I LOATHE DETEST HATE HATE HATE (sorry for yelling) dating sites. Have I expressed my opinion clearly enough?Not since I was a wee Princess thumbing through the Sears & Roebuck catalog have I seen such false advertisement. At least these guys were wearing sexy underwear.

I think I'm pretty realistic. I don't expect perfection. These days I'm looking for AMAZING LEGS PEEKING OUT OF BOXERS your everyday ordinary Castle Prince-In-Waiting who looks good in a baseball cap and can make me laugh. But more than that.....

I'd like a man with a sexy brain. Period.

I have come to the conclusion that I know less about men than a convent full of frustrated nuns.
In fact, my incompetence is my new strength.

We should take a clue from these old Sears ads. Plump was the new sexy and the new heart attack. There was no false advertising at all. If everybody posted pics like this then nobody would be shocked on the first date when you finally meet and they are 100 pounds heavier than the profile photograph. That would be progress. And honesty.

That is, if you ever make it to the first meeting.

I am contacted frequently by men on dating sites. They are ALL wrong for me. And generally insane.

Men should just spell it out like this from the beginning. It would save a load of time:

1) I will write you but if you talk back to me I will run away2) I will wink at you (yes, I'm talking to you Match dot Dumb) but if you wink back I will run.
3) If you write me first, I will bask in the glory of your attention, flip my toupee over a few times and then run far far away
4) But if you are looking for a "fit" guy with a protruding belly then I'm your man.

Yes. Really.

Here's only part of my dating disaster for the last month. I'm saving the rest for a novel.
It is all true.

A. A blind "phone" date. He saw me at the Beauty Salon. He asked my hairdresser for my number. She gave me his number. I had noticed a very attractive man in the waiting area. I thought it might be the same one. I called (my first mistake). He drove a concrete truck. Part time. Here are the highlights but not nearly the worst part. He used "ain't got no" nine times in the first five minutes while I languished in shock. "I ain't got no wife." I ain't got no children. I ain't got no computer." (big surprise there..) and lastly (the most important part)
"I ain't got no divorce yet."

"Where's your wife?" I asked.
"She's been missing. I ain't seen her in weeks."
Maybe someone should check the concrete truck.

I'm checking in the phone book for a new hairdresser.

B) A doctor (suuurre.....) from my area who never pops into my messenger window before 11:00 pm. He tells me his "real" name, his "real" town, his son's name, his son's school, his marital history, his musical genius and his lengthy medical pedigree. He asked me to lunch. I said yes and asked what day would be convenient for him? He suddenly has to go. He returns the next night. "Are we going to meet or not?" he asked. "Uhh.....yes. What day would you like to meet?" No answer. He has to go. Next night. Same ridiculous scenario.
I told him "Look. You are either married or hiding from your girlfriend. Get lost."


C) A dentist. From my very own town. Eureka! Perfect! He writes an email. He is 6'4". I am not. My first mistake was answering this email. I once dated a 6'5" guy. Just toooo tall. Seriously!

So the dentist makes a joke about how maybe we wouldn't be able to dance. And I, in my pencil skirt way, answered him..."Au contraire. Maybe I could stand on your feet. Wink. Wink." (Yes, I'm talking to you Mimi Dot Dumb)

Don't guys love it when you speak a foreign language?
I think my dating incompetence just sunk to a new level of low.

He answers my lame attempt at funny with this, "Actually I am attracted to women smaller in stature..............like 5'2" is perfect, (smiling) and that's the truth. Thanks for writing." I AM 5'2!!!
Novocaine anyone? Sigh.

D) This from a 53-year-old man with aforementioned protrusion. As God as my witness his email read:
"I smiled at the picture an waited, but there was no flash, would like to know if you would be interested in talking an see where we go from there, Thanks."

Doesn't he know you have to push the button first?

E) Two weeks worth of emails and chats from a very cute guy who is an Engineer. He wanted to talk philosophy for an entire week which got completely boring and unnecessary after the first 2 emails but I trudged on. Will he ever ask me out? And then POOF he was gone. Why do guys contact you, flirt with you, pursue you and then D.I.S.A.P.P.E.A.R.? I swear I didn't mention my cooking. It is a waste of my time. Totally. Did I mention that I HATE HATE HATE dating sites?

(F) I am contacted by Mr. Handsome. He writes, "You are stunning!!" My heart melted. Expecting to find a blind man, I read his profile. He was apparently grounded and trying to escape from his room. He was 27.
I am not.

(G) And finally....A wink. It was not a God Wink. He wants someone to make Christmas dinner with him. Bwaahaahaha......apparently, he doesn't read my blog. He misspelled Christmas and America in one paragraph. I would show you how but I can't bear to do it. His profile reads, " i am both a widower and divorce from my second wife"

Can I make this up??!!
I'm so done.

So here's my new ad:

"Stupid female Floozy nymphomaniac willing to date ignorant men who love NASCAR, bowling, and slaughter the English language. Must have fake medical degrees, love to play doctor, live with your mama, be unreliably unpredictable and rude and put up with sex at least 12 times a week. You don't even have to buy dinner. You must be a blogger because I'm not 'splainin this again. No strings. No emails. No chat. No pen pals. No Thanksgiving turkey. No commitment necessary. Ever."

Signed... Mimi Mannequin.

Here's my new photograph. I'll just stand there and look pretty.

Not a brain in sight.
Perfect!

And if I don't hear from a sane man in the next 24 hours I'm switching teams!!
We're not talking baseball, Buster.