Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Don't mind me.. I'm just having a conversation with myself....





Vulnerability.
The inconvenient concept of authenticity.
Mush.



"People have been messing with my mush all my life," I wrote once, when an intuitive writer friend politely pointed out that my writing was "susceptible to wounds."
I was miffed. What did she know about my writing, or me, for that matter? So I hemmed, hawed, wrangled....and finally took it as a challenge. I began to talk to myself ever so loudly on the subject of courage - wrestling with the wisdom of risking a heart that is open or sleepwalking through a life lived dormant and barren. Would I allow the truth to spill out of this pen - and my life - without censor? And regardless of criticism? I had no choice really. I'm not developing my niche. I'm a pencil mess of a genre all by myself thank you very much and already wading in a pool filled to the brim with possibilities. All I have to do is dip my toe in the fountain and the page fills up to overflowing - soggy wounds and all.

The story I see in my head is in bed with and married to the paper.


This is consensual monogamy, my friend, and it has accidentally eked out a writer who bleeds on the page. Susceptible? You bet. And boiling off the stove. The wounds allow me to feel. They are sacred. I will keep them. Stirring. Boiling. Simmering. Happily cooking a disaster with chocolate mud and memories......

The only man who ever appreciated my marvelous cuisine was my grandfather. He sat in pressed pants, a button up shirt and tie on the hard-swept dirt floor of my play kitchen behind the garage. He said my mud pies and tea were "to die for yum yum" and I pretended not to notice that he was really eating tiny little pastries my grandmother had slipped in the playhouse door so he could tell the truth to his culinarily challenged granddaughter....who adored him.



The feeling was forever mutual.
It didn't matter to him that I was a mush mess.
He loved my mush.


Flaws, mudcake indigestions and silly musings of a 12-year-old who thought she was writing a “novel” in her bedroom at night - he gobbled up all of me. He made me believe that I could do anything. And he had the courage to be vulnerable even when he might end up with mud pies in his stomach.

I don't need to find someone who loves my mush.

I need to wholeheartedly love my own mush.
Such has been my struggle with vulnerability. It is the brutal fear of exposing yourself to hurt when you know damn well if you don't you will die. And so you fall. You get up. You fall. You get up. You make more messes. More pies.
Again. You drink tea laced with dust.
And you say “to die for yum yum....”



Copyright © 2008 Mimi Lenox. All Rights Reserved.

29 comments:

katherine. said...

grandfathers are special gifts from God...

Dawn said...

"I need to wholeheartedly love my own mush."
I love this line. I think you write beautifully...
Sadly, my grandfathers died while I was a baby... I would have liked to have had one like yours!

The Urban Buddha said...

I can't remember my grandfathers.. they both died when I was very young. I agree with Dawn, would have liked to have one like yours aswell. Also top pic is beautiful. Have a great day! :)

WillThink4Wine said...

That IS the secret - love your own mush!! Because if you don't love it - you're lying. People will recognize that and not love it either! Mush on! ♥

Lois Grebowski said...

Think4wine is a wise woman... I agree...

Starrlight said...

That made me miss my Grandfather but in a good way =) It's only been 5 months and I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he is gone. Lovely post Mimi =)

Ferd said...

Thank you very much, Mimi, for those glimpses into what makes you tick.
Our experiences, hurts, imperfections, vulnerabilities, and how we have dealt with them, are what make us who we are. And we are not done with these things until the day we die. So we better learn to love ourselves and be happy with the joys each day brings. And if we find someone to share it with, bonus! But I do agree that first we have to be completely at peace with our own mush!
You are awesome, my Queen!
Have a mushy day! : )

Akelamalu said...

You have to love your own mush if you want others to love it. I love your mush almost as much as I love my own. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Barb nailed it with you have to love your own mush or no one else will. Your grandparents certainly left lots of wonderful goodies to go along with your mush. Yep, they played a very big role in what Mimi is today. Beautiful honey. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - I know you just lost your own grandfather. Sending more prayers to you and yours. I love the way you write about him. He was indeed special.

Dawn - I thank you. "Wholeheartedly" is a tall order. Isn't it incredible that one person's unconditional love (just one) shaped who I am today on the inside and aspire to be like him. Just loving. And accepting. He died when I was 23 and I still feel that power.
My son and my baby boy missed so much not knowing him.

Mimi Lenox said...

Buddha - You would have loved him. I took the top pic outside one day while I was picking roses by the shed and the petals fell around my feet. Then the wonders of a photo program lightened it a little a voila. It looks like a just spilled my mush....ha!

Mimi Lenox said...

winethinker - Authenticity is transparent. Or not.

Starr - I am sorry dear. I'm sure he left an impressionable mark on your life. It's been 28 years and I still miss him like the day he left.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lois - Love your mush! And seeing your feet in the beach sand makes me crave the beach.

Ferd - You are a wise man.

Akelamalu - That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. Love to you.

Sandee - As I said to Dawn it's amazing how far reaching one person's influence can be. Hugs back to you.

Julie said...

Okay I'm preparing a room for you. A room so you can help me with introspective thoughts.

We can "ooh" and "awww" at the deer nursing from their momma together as we pick peaches from my full tree.

But alas! This room cannot hold all your wisdom.

Well...maybe a visit?

Hugs dear friend.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

If you love your mush, that's all that counts.

Charles Gramlich said...

I think a lot of writers are easily hurt. Maybe that's a big part of why we do what we do. We want to explain something to others that we know is perfectly reasonable, and yet others don't seem to get it. I think we definitely need our wounds, as you say. One of my favorite story titles is "With Wounds Still Wet." Says it pretty much all.

Bond said...

Mush is in the eye of the beholder...you are not a mush...in my eyes

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - You are welcome anytime.

Jean-luc - Good point.

Charles - Sounds like a great read. I only mean that what we've been through always permeates what we write. It does not mean we stay there, but finding beauty in where we've been and where we are is the groundwork.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - I know where you're coming from and I thank you but let me clarify. "Mush" is just my word for allowing the vulnerability of all that I am to come through in what I write. It is a strength and not a weakness.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

My mom's dad died before I was born. Mu dad's dad died when I was 6. I only remember one time being with him We watched "King Kong". I am happy I have one memory. I envy that you have lots. And great ones...

Julie said...

Oh Bud! King Kong was my grandpa's all time favorite movie! I can still hear him say, "Julieeeeeeeee" from across the house as i would run to him and land gently on his lap....until I turned 30-something.

Wish I could still do it.

**sigh**

Gbex and Ellen said...

happy weekend!!

Anndi said...

You, my Queen, have exquisite mush.

SMOOCH

(I have completed my assignment... so I get to stay out of the dungeon, yippeeeeeee!!!)

SjP said...

Do I have a meme for you!? I participated in a meme called Thursday Thirteen. It was great fun. Please drop by, I think you might find my TT somewhat surprising:>).

SjP

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - I do have lots and they get sweeter all the time. I'm sorry you don't.

Julie - I can see you doing that. Totally!

Anndi - I love your mush too...

sjp - I shall. I love your blog! Thank you.

Patti said...

I envy your talent of mush-sharing with us. You are a wonderful writer, Mimi.

I love your mush. Keep it coming, because a lot of your fans love it as well. ;-)

I have wonderful memories of my grandfather, who died when I was 24. He was always fun to be around.

My father's father died long before I was born.

Lee said...

The thing I remember most about my grandfather are the stories he told. My memories are probable exaggerated by time and perspective, but to me there were hours spent sitting at his knee listening to the stories of his life.

The thing he taught me is to appreciate good story tellers. Maybe that's why I love your blog so much, Your Highness! You are definitely royalty in the ability to spin a story!!

Mimi Lenox said...

Patti - I appreciate that very much. And where is your mush my dear? What chapter are you on? I'm waiting for an update....

Lee - Encouragement greatly appreciated, my friend.

Travis said...

I think that our words don't have impact beyond ourselves if they aren't infused withour vulnerabilities. So I think being susceptible to wounds is of paramount importance.

What we must try not to be is paralyzed by our wounds.

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