1. Have you heard?
Blogger has just phased in a new
disaster feature. It's called Building a Community of Blove (isn't that cute?)..From now on, your posts will automatically be translated into some thirty-five languages beginning with Yiddish, Turkish, Arabic, Hindu & Pig Latin. "Heal The World" through language barrier blocking is similar to phone number blocking. Press a code and voila! Instead of ignoring those who call you or in this case, those who read your blog, you'll be cyber-forced to send an interpreter wrapped in a turban with every post. "Heal The World Through HTML" (healing through multi-linguistics) is courtesy of No Blog Left Behind.
The sanction is currently being reviewed by Human Rights activists..
2. The "Create Post" window is now video-active. This means no more writing in yellow-curlers for me.
3. Blogging in the nude is no longer allowed. Thanks goodness yellow curlers is as risque as I get.
4. Politics have been banned. This should take care of 99% of the sarcastic and humorous blog posts in the blogosphere.
Unfortunately, the new rules don't apply until November 8th.
5. Memes, Queens, and Self-Proclaimed mini-Queens are no longer being filtered thru blogrolls and link lists. But that's just me.
6. Comments costs $10.00. Nice ones are free to post. Nasty ones are free to go.
7. Blogs with social causes, serious venues, charity buttons or awareness campaigns for the good of the order have been replaced by the newly popular nudity trends. "Strip 3/4 Naked Saturday" begins next week. But not on this blog.
8. Code verification will now require your social security number and/or the presentation of a known tattoo. But we may need proof that you own the body part it is attached to. Submit all limbs and private parts via the webcam in your compose box.
9. You are no longer allowed to be Wordless on Wednesday, Thirteen on Thursday, Saturday Photoshopped or Manicked on Monday. Just dial your therapist like you used to do, before you started blogging in the first place.
10. The "About Me" section on all blogs is secretly undergoing Criminal Background Checks for all bloggers. I'd quickly pay those parking tickets if I were you.
11. You Tube can no longer tolerate blog abuse. This eliminates the other 99% of the blog posts (I was never good at math) and seriously hampers Trav's Thoughts Dancing With the Stars.
What will he do???!
12. Embedding is now considered taboo and according to Wikipedia (the all-knowing-all-seeing god of the cyberworld) it closely resembles incestuous activities, which, of course are being monitored by the built-in webcam staring at
me you now in the "Compose Message Box" . Embedding is also Pat Conroy's new book title.
13. All pet blogs must have their shots. Even cyber-pets. Leashes are optional. No exceptions.
14. For human blogs: all awards must be sent back to their original creator with a 500-word Acceptance Speech before posting them and must be translated into Yiddish, Turkish, Arabic, Hindu and Pig-Latin.
15. And good news! meetings are now part of the Blue Cross/Blue Shield benefits package. Pre-existing conditions do not apply.
17. And finally........
Sidebar linking has been replaced by online dating.
Film at 11.
(P.S. I'm free Saturday night. Right after I curl my hair.)