This story is disguised as a meme. The Jezebel Meme See bottom of post for details and tagees. "I Wanna Be a Jezebel".........
"Honey, you look like a Sunday School teacher," said the chain-smoking man at my side. 'And you look like a train caboose or worse' I thought to myself but didn't say. Not polite for a woman of my cloth. My girlfriend had coerced me into a Singles Dance in the city and I was dressed as un-teachery as you can get.
I was covered from head to toe: mid-length straight skirt, button-up white blouse, proper lady jewelry and makeup, carefully lined lipstick and rouge,
pearls, funky leggings, knee-high brown suede boots that laced up the side
I was dressed to be a wallflower.
But I wasn't expecting anyone to mistake me for Mother Teresa. Especially a man who was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty.
When I questioned his vision he stammered, "I only meant you look like you want to get out of here." Very perceptive, Smokey. And that would have been possible had he not instinctively and literally pinned me to the bar - with both arms on either side.
Sunday school skirt and all.
I was trapped. In stench. And neon flashing lights. Surrounded by disco dancers and ballroom wannabes. A room full of women standing a.l.o.n.e on the dance floor in a circle just ripe for the non-religious and he chooses me - and my brown suedes - to get frisky with.
"Wanna dance?" he asked. 'Wanna die?' I thought.
Where is my friend??! Oh great. She's tripping the light fantastic with boyfriend #2 while boyfriend #1 (dumped last year for same said dancing boyfriend) looks on in disgust contemplating a murder I knew I might be witness to shortly in the parking lot.
As soon as Romeo gets off the teacher I'll think about my escape.
"Excuse me," I writhed. "Do you MIND?"
He laughed and pulled one arm away, allowing my escape into more smoke, more blaring eighties funk and another seat down the far end of the bar where religious people sit. Apparently. If I look like a good-little-girl I might as well act like one.
Lucky girlfriend with two suitors fighting over her finally landed satisfactorily in the wallflower line to take a breather. I grabbed her by the hand. "Let's go!" I said. "I've just been leisure suit pinned to the bar by a crazy man and he thinks I'm a Sunday School teacher. Do I look like a Sunday School teacher to you??!!!"
She looked at the length of my skirt with a well-he-might-have-a-point look.
"Don't answer that," I said. "Just take me home."
All the way home I questioned her (Do I look boring?) at the gas station (What's wrong with me?) in between her I-made-boyfriend-jealous conversation (Is my jewelry too stodgy?) at the red light while contemplating a street strut (Does my caboose twist sweetly in the breeze as I walk? Well? Does it?!) at the green light (Mimi, get IN the car....) at Dunkin' Donuts (What about me screams uncomfortable??!!) through the rolled down window as I handed the nice police officer my license (Do YOU think I look like a Sunday School teacher? That picture was taken just last year ya know), as we narrowly escaped a walk-the-line ticket disaster because all our giggling made us appear intoxicated (I wanna be a Jezebel!)
Mimi. Shut up.
"But you had two boyfriends and I had none tonight. I got stuck with a drunk lunatic who thought I was gonna save his soul."
"This is just not your cup of tea" she said.
"That's it!" I exclaimed. "He must have heard me."
"Heard you what?"
"I ordered a glass of tea."
"At the bar??!" said singles savvy friend.
Girlfriend has decided to ditch me. I'm cramping her style and giving her a headache. Next weekend, I've decided to try a different location. Something a little more sophisticated.
I'm going to bring my own beverage.
I'm going to bring my own beverage.
Do you think I should buy a shorter skirt this time?
And now the rules for The Jezebel Meme. It's simple. Tell us your favorite dance story and pass the groovy beat to five be-bopping bloggers. I tag Odat, Linda, MO, Katherine, Travis and Sandee.
And anybody who can give me some advice for next weekend will not have to sweep the dungeon. Double chocolate cake (not made by me) for anyone who can tell me how to change the date on my blog without the sidebar disappearing?