Divinity In The Dryer

Jesus has my socks.
You know He has yours too.

I recently said to someone, "When I get to Heaven, the first thing I'm going to ask God is where did the matching socks go?" He looked at me with an I-knew-you-were-a-lunatic glance.

But tell me....don't you want to know?

I calculated that over the years I've lost approximately 5,240 socks. It was no surprise that the number was even, after all, there's another one somewhere to match those. What will God tell me? The conversation might go something like this. I'll just jump in feet first.
"I was twelve, God. I loved those socks. Remember? The ones with the pink fuzzy things hanging off the toes? I saved my allowance for two weeks to buy those socks.......and then one night it happened. Poof! One went missing and I never found it again. What happened to it???! I've waited all these years to find out. ""Well, Mimi. I banished that sock from existence. Your sister was jealous of your pink fluffiness and it would have started WW3. Hence, no pink fluffies for you."
"And instead we had Vietnam?"
"Different administration," said God."
"Oh........that makes sense! But tell me, why not send it back to me if you don't need it anymore? My sister has her own socks now."
"I still need it," He assured me.
"You mean YOU need socks on your holy feet? Do you run?"
"Only from the occasional meteorite. No, I don't need 'em to run, Mimi.

I halfway got the mess cleaned up in Washington and then..."

"I know! Let me guess. Then you started working on hunger and world peace."
"No. Then Hillary ran for President," God continued.


"Why does she need my pink fluffy?"

"I thought she might need it to soften her image. She's probably noticed by now she has one extra sock in her drawer.
I'm trying to help her out here." 

"Well, that explains two, Lord, but I've still got 5,238 missing! Where did the next one go?""
I'm saving one for the little girl down the street, one to put in Imus' mouth and one for Bill when he becomes First Lady. Of course, it won't match Hillary's but who cares? They never matched anyway."
 
I am furiously writing this down. As you can imagine, this is not what I expected to hear. Politics?
But just in case He thought I understood I said, " I knew there was a divine purpose for my missing socks. I feel so... so....privileged." 
"And anyway," He said, "if people didn't waste time losing their socks they'd lose their minds on more important things. Sock scavengers are just a part of the design of the universe. It's a special job here in Heaven. All in The PLAN, Mimi. Just follow the plan."
 
"My plans get delayed sometimes because I can't find my socks, God! My feet are cold, I bang my head on the dryer door and I'm late to work. This is not a nice thing to do to your children ya know...."
Just then my pencil lead broke. Here I stand one stroke shy of a revelation. Not now! I'd buy mechanical ones but the lead is always disappearing. Hey...I'll bet He knows where.........Never mind.

A good pencil skirt always has a spare. I fished a brand new No. 2 out of the side of my boot and continued.

"Ahem...getting back to world peace and hunger. You know, the important stuff."

"Socks are important, Mimi."
"But I could take care of my socks, Lord, if you'd stop stealing 'em. The other stuff is.......is...big and earth-shattering and ....
"The other stuff is your job."
 Sigh. Somehow I knew that's what He'd say. It was time to go.
"Where are you running off to, Mimi?"
"I just heard the dryer buzzer. If I have a snowball's chance in hell of saving the world then I'm gonna need a fresh skirt. By the way, God.....what happened to the......Wow! I can't believe this."

"What's wrong, Mimi?"
"I just found my pink fluffy sock! Thank you!"
"You're welcome."
"But what about Hillary? How will she do? You said....."

I turned and He was gone. I guess I'll just have to wait....wait...Wait a minute! Come back here God!"

"What now, Mimi?"

"Where's the other one?"
 

Reprinted from 2007 c. Mimi Lenox
I take full responsibility for the politically incorrect and frivolous sock conversation with The Almighty. Amen and amen.