Trouble in Paradise

I knew it would happen.

A careless word. Too many cocktails. He's warm. I'm cold. The lid left off the toothpaste. Not enough towels. My alarm clock buzzing for forty minutes. Ptomaine poisoning.

That's right.  After I joked in my last post about taking my Prince to the emergency room, he really did get sick. And believe it or not, it wasn't my cooking. But it was my fault.

Last night we went to "the best steakhouse in Bannister" according to friends. I knew he loved a good steak and I wanted it to be a special evening for him. It certainly was that.

I ordered petit filet Mignon and he the T-Bone with mushrooms - rare.

Very rare.

Too rare

On the way back, he started to feel sick so I took him straight to the castle. Nurse Barbie to the rescue.
Sort of.

I'm a terrible nurse.

The guy has food poisoning. What's a Pencil Skirt to do?

I tried to make it romantic.

I lit candles.
He was not amused.
I drew a bubble bath.
He was not amused.

I got in the bubble bath.
He was not amused.

I threw rose petals on the bed.

I thought he was going to kill me.
I didn't mean for them to land in his Imodium.

"My Prince"  I said, "how am I supposed to help you when you won't come out of the lavatory? I'm just trying to strike a mood here!"

"Strike a match, Mimi. Just strike a match."

"You're so grumpy. Didn't you have enough to eat??! I can fix something else for you if you'd like......sweetie?....sugar lips?...."

I hate slamming doors.

OK, Mimi. Think. What would a good girlfriend do? I know! I'll put on one of those cute nurse outfits and we'll play hospital. That should make him feel better right away.

So when he came out of the room-of-doom I was wearing this.

I hate slamming doors.

Maybe I should call the hospital.
Right after I call my friend Turnbaby. She'll know what to do.

"Turn!" I whispered so that boyfriend-in-the-bathroom wouldn't hear, "My Prince is sick. I'm sunk. What should I do?"

"Mims, I told you not to cook."

"I didn't....it was the.."

"Did you light candles, prepare a bubble bath and throw rose petals as I suggested?"

"Yes, Turn. He hated it. And the paper hat made him sicker."

"Paper hat? What paper hat? I never said anything about hats, Mims. Pay attention!"

"I need diagrams, girlfriend. A map. A Ouija board. A priest. Anything! My guy is green and I'm sinking in a pile of lingerie here!!!

"Calm down, Mimi.
He needs a shot."

Click.

"Wait! A shot of what? Turn!!"

Thanks a lot, girlfriend. 
Some friend you are.

His flight back to New England is in less than 24 hours, our last romantic night is ruined and he's still sleeping. Well....we do have tonight. I'll call the hospital (novel idea) and they'll tell me what to do.

No. It's too late for that. I should have called last night when his fever was 108.

Let's face it. I'm a terrible cook. A terrible nurse. A terrible girlfriend. Bloggingham Palace has seen better days, my friends. I'll just finish packing for him and when he wakes up maybe he'll forgive me. IF he wakes up. I can see it now. "Queen of Memes poisons Prince  on romantic holiday in the States....Film at 11." Nobody will believe I didn't do this! Everybody in the known world knows my middle name is Blanche. (Think infamous-American-woman-executed-on-death-row-for-poisoning-three-husbands-with-tainted-banana-pudding.) The local grocer will only allow me to purchase one banana at a time. My own family won't allow me bring food at holidays.

This is not good.

Maybe he won't even remember last night. Just then I heard a crashing noise in the bedroom. Prince is sitting up in bed. He lives.


"Good morning, sweetheart" he said. "How are YOU today?"

"Fine, dear," I cautiously remarked as I checked his fever. "YOu're looking much better today. You sure did sleep a long time. Do you remember last night?"

"Vividly."

That's what I was afraid of.

"About that steak, Mimi....."

Here it comes. The end of our relationship. Washed down with Chardonnay and a bad steak.

"I don't think it was the steak, Mims. I think it was the...."

"Bud?" I interrupted. "I don't feel so well. ...."

"We both had the Caesar salad dressing, didn't we?
I'm surprised you're not...You do look kind of pale."

"Where are you going, Mims? I'm feeling so much better now! We can still have our romantic night. I'll light the candles, draw a bubble bath. Where are those rose petals?...Mimi? Are you listening? And I had a crazy dream about a nurse in a cute little Red Cross outfit. Hmmmm......???

He hates slamming doors.

Postscript: For the record, my Prince really did have a mild case of food poisoning last night. He is feeling better today. I hope this makes him laugh.