And so publicly.
Oh the humiliation.
Just this week I was awarded the prestigious Elasticgirl Award from GEM's Blog l'esprit de l'escalier (see...it even sounds prestigious) and opened my mailbox to find a Dear John letter. The same day.
Hmmm.....that's awfully suspicious.
My cowboy has decided to ride off into the sunset.
Read it and weep.
Howdy Missy Mimi. I guess you aint a-gonna ask me to come callin' on you so I'm gonna saddle up and move on. Ma says I can put that bath-time back to the spring now i'm single agin. And I don't need to buy me thet second set of underwear.
I am not amused.
If you've just tuned in to this little drama, let me bring you up to speed. A mysterious blogger named 'loneseome cowboy advertizer' has been leaving me love notes in the comment box on both my main sites (Dating Profile of the Day and this one.)
Here's the first knee-weakening note:
howdy miss mimi. I’m just a lonesome guy looking for a lady to love. You are real hard on us guys so give us brake. Oh sure I advertise my own self in the Hiccup Times local papey but I aint never found no Lady as pretty as you are an all.. I’m deecent and hard working and I goe to church reglar every Sunday. At least I will until Ma passes over but I don’t mind it too mutch. Revrend Tully he says if my brains was made of dynamite they wouldn’t blow my hat off but hes only fooling around. So what Im saying is how about you an me? If your willin to try me I can travel any wheres you just say that word and tell me where to find you. Don’t tell Ma she don’t kneed to know…..till then sugar.
My response was equally disturbing:
Dear Handsome Mysterious Cowboy,
I hesitate to return your lovely letter for two reasons. I’m quite intimidated by your abundant sophistication and suave (I’m used to men who talk to themselves and kiss their pets) and more importantly ……I am, sadly, on the rebound from a torrid love affair with the Paperclip Guy and not sure I’m ready for cowboy love; but if you’ll give me just one chance to treat you with a little more respect – we’ll give it a groovy go.
Anyway, I’d like to meet your Ma before she passes over – even though my Harvard education doesn’t know what that means. The last time I heard that expression, Charlton Heston was holding a rod and smearing Lamb’s blood on doorposts. Is your Ma Egyptian?
Yours (boots and all),
I gotta tell ya. I was more than a little giddy thinking about my spur-studded stud muffin. A real honest-to Pete cowboy. I had finally landed on Mars.
Could life get any better?
I was so smitten that I decked myself out in the finest cowboy bait I could find and dedicated an entire post to him. He said....
Hey Missy MiMi, I aint never poked no cows! I like your pals lovely Miss Gem and that fine lookin' Miss Lizza but you the gal fer me! We jest simpl folks herabouts and I dont know about no sophistication. I never did hold with too much book-lerning all I know is i cant sleep nights thinkin of Miss mimi. So whats occurring? You tell miz lizza there aint no wrong in a little honey-lovin (Ma telled me to say that)
Everything was just swell until Gemmolina caricatured me as a brazen hussy in elastic pants on her scandalous red-teddy site l'esprit de l'escalier. And who knows what that really means anyway? She works for a dry cleaners for Heavens sake.
It can't be good.
I'd been thinking it over this week and decided to give cowboy another chance. I was all ready to take a bath in frothy bubbles and soak my skin in cowhide cologne when WHAM!
I've seen better days.
Didn't he get my last letter?! I sent him my latest pic dressed in go-go boots and a mini skirt, too! Uh oh.
Do you suppose his ma saw it and passed over??
Do you think cowboy saw it and just passed out??
You dress like a proper lady they think you're a prude.
Show up in knee boots they run home to Ma.
What's a queen to do?
Maybe it's not GEM's fault after all.
I'll just have to try and win him back. Time's a'wastin.
This is what I writ. (That's cowboy-speak for wrote in case you're wondering.)
Dear Lonesome One,
By now you're probably sippin' ale with some floozy in a red teddy by the light of the silvery saloon but just in case you're not - I'd like to apologize.
I didn't mean to insult your Ma with that Egyptian comment in my last letter. I'm of royal bloodline myself you know. I just thought she might be more inclined to let us spark if there was a wee possibility we could be akin.
Think of the royal lineage we could make.
(That's Harvard-speak for 'it's OK to marry your first cousin.)
If you still want to come call on me, meet me by the next post (that's blogspeak for lamppost) ..street address mimiwrites.blogspot.com. I'll be wearing proper lady clothes and carrying a big red Bible for good measure (just in case your Ma's with you).
I've arranged for dear Ma to have a very long day at the Beverly Hills Hot Springs Lard Buns Spa where they're running special re-run episodes of Little House on the Prairie and serving Long Island tea - all day long. I know what a wholesome life she leads so I've arranged to have carefully grown large-leaf spinach brought in and she can eat allllll she wants. That should keep her occupied and very happy for awhile. She'll be in good spirits when we go to fetch her and then we can explain to her our plan to elope - that is, if you're still interested in little ol' me.
P.S. I promise to wear my spurs if you'll be a good boy.Well, there you have it.
And they said love couldn't bloom on the internet. All I can do now is wait.