Friday, June 21, 2013

Mimi In A Minute # 31 ~ Nuclear Rutabagas

These things keep me up at night. They give me a headache.
I just need sixty seconds of your time to unclog my pencil brain so that I can get some sleep.
Do you mind? I have a few things to say.
This is Mimi unplugged.
Hide your children.

The Iranians have a new president, the National Security people are apparently reading my grocery list and everywhere I turn people are talking about Kim K's cute baby Kimye. Congrats to her! The Midwest and Alberta, Canada are about to get more rain than the Great Flood and nobody thought to build an Ark. It is not a good day to be from the South either. Chef Paula Deen used the N word sometime in the 60s, George Zimmerman lands an all-female jury, and even with the new security secrets unearthed by what's-his-name who skipped out to China, we still can't find Jimmy Hoffa's body. And if it rains, that could be a big ole' mess. I'd say things are about normal around here. What a crazy news week.

To the new Iranian President: I do not know you personally. I am only an American pretend Queen. We have a lot of those here...but I digress. I would only ask that you make peace with the world and keep your nuclear weapons to yourself. Good luck.

To Vladimir Putin, former President of Russia: I do not know you personally. I am only an American pretend Queen. Maybe you accidentally forgot you put the ring in your pocket when you started to shake hands with someone. It happens to me all the time! And please make peace with the world and keep your nuclear weapons to yourself.

To state lawmakers who want more of my paycheck: Keep your hands to yourself

 To the United States of America: Please give Robert Kraft another present to replace the ring he lost to the Russians. I just want him to stop causing an international incident.  Is it his birthday soon or something? I am worried that the show-and-tell that went awry will be the undoing of us all. And could we please make peace with the world and keep our nuclear weapons to ourselves?

 Dear Congress.... If you have a violent criminal history or documented mental instability ( I don't mean you personally, really I don't...let me start again). If a person has a violent criminal history or documented mental instability, they should not be able to legally buy a gun. Wait. That didn't sound right. If mental criminals with violent historical instabilities (I don't mean you personally, really I don't) apply to legally purchase a gun, they should not be allowed to do so.  It's still a spit-in-the-wind attempt, but it's something. 
Why is that so difficult?

To The Supreme Court: "Human genes cannot be patented." You got that one right. Applause. Applause.

To NASA: Thank you for discovering a new series of black holes in the relatively close Galaxy of Andromeda.  What if we propelled all the nuclear weapons, assault rifles, demon people, Super Bowl bling, flu viruses, rutabagas (I hate rutabagas) and whoever patented pantyhose into the center never to be seen or heard from again?
  Wait. Let me ask Congress.

Dear Congress:  I've found a new loophole.  FYI: A black hole is a dense region of space that has collapsed in on itself in such a way that nothing can escape it, not even light.
It's perfect for holding things we no longer need (I don't mean you personally, really I don't). It's so secure you won't even have to allocate for Secret Service.  Think of it as the Universal Time Out Chair. Nuclear war heads! Troublesome viruses! #Annoyinghashtags! Think of the possibilities. NASA told me it would be fine with them. They're not using it.
What is so difficult about that?

Oh. I will personally pay the rent on the rutabagas.

Whew! I feel better. Thanks for listening.
Sixty seconds flew by. I think my blogsomnia is cured.
Lights out.

Like Our Facebook Page


speedyrabbit said...

hehehe thats ok let off a bit of steam we all need to from time to time,xx

Akelamalu said...

All valid vents. ;)

Mimi Lenox said...

Speedy - I'm steamless now.

Akelamalu - I hope Congress thinks so.

Link Within

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...