Monday, January 17, 2011

Monday Mimisms ~ You Can't Beet That!

I'm telling you it's the curse of the 666.
The sign of the devil
The end of the world

Yesterday on my infamous blog known as Dating Profile of The Day, I posted crazy Bachelor #6 6 6. Notice how I spread out the numbers and didn't let them sit side-by-side. That's on purpose you see...if you don't write them side-by-side they lose some of their evil power. That's what a priest told me in the wee dark side of the early morning hours today when I ran screaming to the phone hyperventilating and dialing Find-A-Priest-911.
Then I looked down to see myself wearing red flannel pants (it's cold here ya know) and screamed again.
They had to go. 

Then I looked at my blog colors and saw R E D.
Two signs of the devil in one day.
It has to go.

And for the record, I am NOT responsible if your blogs blow up should you click any link in this post if you are not holding a cross north and south in your left hand. 
 In all my nearly five years of finding dating profile errors and words that make no sense in public, one thing has remained true: nothing has changed. People still hit the publish button before they proofread, no one in the known Universe owns a dictionary and men AND women say the most outlandish and ridiculous things in their online dating profiles. You would think that after enjoying notoriety on famed sights such as Match dot Dumb and Something's Fishy they'd think twice before murking the waters with all manner of English language slaughter. But no. It just gets worse!

Now I'm the first to admit that I'm not always grammatically astute. Have you ever read one of my 50 word run-on sentences? But at least mine have a deliberate purpose. Everybody knows that means I'm holding my breath until I finish what I have to say. Don't you do that?

I thought so.

There's not much I can do to top Bachelor #6    6    6   or erase its lasting effect on my bloglife. At least not today. If my Granny were still alive she'd bury a black-eyed pea in the backyard, say some mumbo jumbo over her snuff can and I'd be done with this whole nasty devil business but she's gone to Glory and I'm stuck with evil of my own blog making.
The priest told me to boil a red beet in water in a black kettle over a fire pit situated on the northwest corner of an acre of land in the Sahara Desert and I'd be just fine. I can't go anywhere today. My hair's a mess!!!

So here I stand defrocked of all my flannel redness including the matching Red Strawberry Parfait lip gloss which my mother swears is the reason all that crazy kissin' occurred last year in the life of her hell bound daughter who had just settled in for a long winter's nap with Mr. Wrong which should really be the title of my blog anyway when this whole catastrophic Biblical event happened in the first place.
I'm in hot voodoo doodoo.
Is that one word or two?

I'm going to buy beets.


Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

Excuse me while I go check to make sure my blog didn't blow up.

Mimi Lenox said...

Don't forget the beets!!

Jamie said...

Is Mr. 6 6 6 left handed? That is the sinister side you know. You need someone of unblemished rectitude so as not to besmirch your pristine premises or ruffle red anything, flannel included.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jamie - You know me so well.
I would never date a left handed man.
Or wear flannel pajamas in reality...
but I do have an issue with not noticing sinister rectitude before it's too late for vegetable boiling.
Thank God for the beets.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Jamie, I'm left handed! Does that make me sinister? Don't answer that!

Joanne said...

Mimi -- why haven't I seen your Profile of the Day blog before this. Oh please I hope its not connected to the 6 6 6th.

Wish I had seen all this when I was online dating -- I just amused myself with all the blunders I found -- and there were tons!!! All sorts of freaks and geeks. Then I found my prince - almost 7 years ago - so there are some gems.

Mimi Lenox said...

Jean-Luc is excluded from the rank of sinister. I decree it.

Mimi Lenox said...

Joanne - NO. It just happened to be the number of the Bachelor for the post. I had to make light of it.

Online dating is insane. Truly.
I'm glad you found your Prince.
Many others have as well. There are success stories.

My favorite one though read, "I'm the last of a dyeing bread."

I kid you not.

Travis Cody said...

Just what kind of a priest did you talk to anyway??? I never heard such drivel.

You should have checked with me. It's simple to rid yourself of any evil influences. I shall tell you how. Just follow the steps.


1. Go outside. (Simple, eh?)

2. Turn around 5 times. (Don't close your eyes or you'll get dizzy and fall down, creating the need for a completely different ritual.)

3. Hop in place 3 times. (Don't hop on just one foot. Hop with both feet. This is key.)

4. Clap your hands directly over your head twice. (It's important to finish hopping before trying this, otherwise you might fall down, creating the need for a completely different ritual.)

5. Take 3 deep breaths. (It's important to exhale between breaths, otherwise you might get dizzy and fall down...well, you know the drill.)

6. Say "Ohm".

That should take care of it. You'll either cleanse the evil, or make it so the Dodgers win the World Series this year.

No...that's the Evil Cleansing Ritual. I'm sure of it. The Dodgers ritual only has 3 turns in Step 2, no hopping, and involves spitting.

Good luck!

Charles Gramlich said...

Nothing is really more evil than beets,though

Akelamalu said...

My blog blew up!

Ferd said...

I want to go to the church where that priest is! He sounds... interesting!
Hurry on to 667 and get past this. I'm afraid for you!

Mimi Lenox said...

Travis - Spitting??! I think not. But that did crack me up.

Charles - Truly. I can't stand the taste of them.

Akelamalu - Reiki is needed!

Ferd - You should be afraid for me. I thought the world was coming to an end.

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