He was born in between Act 1 and Act 2 of a play I was directing out of town. I didn't get back to the hospital in time. I got the call behind the curtain on my cell phone amidst audience applause and a set change. I like to tell him that the minute he was born people applauded.
Before I get all mushy let me just get on with it.
Today he starts kindergarten.
I am a pencil skirt mess.
I very much resented the day his father started school. I didn't want to let him go either. I didn't want the State to have him. I wanted to be his teacher forever and ever amen. I didn't want him being influenced by God-knows-what out in the big bad world of society who will invade the seat beside him and at recess.
But Baby Boy must go. And go he will.
I thought I should warn 'em first.
Ten Things You Should Know Before You Let Him In The Door
1. If there's no peanut butter for lunch, he won't eat.
2. Don't ever ever EVER make him take his shoes off. He was traumatized at the airport last year when they floated away in a bucket. He's in therapy.
3. Bullies: Baby Boy will not hit back. He will walk away and find a new friend. Even with a black eye. Dial 1-800-Bloggingham.
4. No matter what he tells you, his Mimi does not walk around wearing a crown and a short skirt. I'm just like your other average everyday PTSO Mimis.
Just don't ask me to bake cookies.
5. He can be stubborn. Real stubborn.
6. Do not send him to the school psychologist when he tells you about his imaginary dog, Homer. He really does have an imaginary dog. His reality is imagination and his imagination is reality so you can't say the boy has no imagination for Pete's sake - in his world the imagination line is not thin - it's invisible - somewhere off the Bell curve by about a stratosphere.
7. You'll have to remind him to uncover one side of his face on School Picture Day. It's a family affliction.
8. He best not be the last one picked on any team or you will hear about it from the accounting firm of Bloggers International and International and International, an internationally known posse of internationally known bloggers extraordinaire.
9. Be warned evil school people! Whatever you say and do is being recorded.
He tells me everything. He has a camera. He has a blog. He has a technorati rating. He has followers following me following you following me and he is following you. Follow?
10. And most importantly -
If he gets in trouble don't call me - call his father.
I'll be at the nail salon with a latte.