Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Divinity In The Dryer

Jesus has my socks.
You know He has yours too.

I recently said to someone, "When I get to Heaven, the first thing I'm going to ask God is where did the matching socks go?" He looked at me with an I-knew-you-were-a-lunatic glance.

But tell me....don't you want to know?

I calculated that over the years I've lost approximately 5,240 socks. It was no surprise that the number was even, after all, there's another one somewhere to match those. What will God tell me? The conversation might go something like this. I'll just jump in feet first.
"I was twelve, God. I loved those socks. Remember? The ones with the pink fuzzy things hanging off the toes? I saved my allowance for two weeks to buy those socks.......and then one night it happened. Poof! One went missing and I never found it again. What happened to it???!
I've waited all these years to find out. ""Well, Mimi. I banished that sock from existence. Your sister was jealous of your pink fluffiness and it would have started WW3. Hence, no pink fluffies for you.""And instead we had Vietnam?"
"Different administration,
" said God."Oh........that makes sense! But tell me, why not send it back to me if you don't need it anymore? My sister has her own socks now."
"I still need it," He assured me.
"You mean YOU need socks on your holy feet? Do you run?"
"Only from the occasional meteorite. No, I don't need 'em to run, Mimi.
I halfway got the mess cleaned up in Washington and then..."
"I know! Let me guess. Then you started working on hunger and world peace."
"No. Then Hillary ran for President," He sighed.

"Why does she need my pink fluffy?"

"I thought she might need it to soften her image. She's probably noticed by now she has one extra sock in her drawer.
I'm trying to help her out here.""Well, that explains two, Lord, but I've still got 5,238 missing! Where did the next one go?""I'm saving one for the little girl down the street, one to put in Imus' mouth and one for Bill when he becomes First Lady. Of course, it won't match Hillary's but who cares? They never matched anyway."
I am furiously writing this down. As you can imagine, this is not what I expected to hear. Politics? Secret sock missions?

But just in case He thought I understood I said, " I knew there was a divine purpose for my missing socks. I feel so... so....privileged.""And anyway," He said, "if people didn't waste time losing their socks they'd lose their minds on more important things. Sock scavengers are just a part of the design of the universe. It's a special job here in Heaven. All in The PLAN, Mimi. Just follow the plan."
"My plans get delayed sometimes because I can't find my socks, God! My feet are cold, I bang my head on the dryer door and I'm late to work. This is not a nice thing to do to your children ya know...."
Just then my pencil lead broke. Here I stand one stroke shy of a revelation. Not now! I'd buy mechanical ones but the lead is always disappearing. Hey...I'll bet He knows where.........Never mind.

A good pencil skirt always has a spare. I fished a brand new No. 2 out of the side of my boot and continued.

"Ahem...getting back to world peace and hunger. You know, the important stuff."

"Socks are important, Mimi."
"But I could take care of my socks, Lord, if you'd stop stealing 'em. The other stuff is.......is...big and earth-shattering and ....
"The other stuff is your job."Sigh. Somehow I knew that's what He'd say. It was time to go.
"Where are you running off to, Mimi?""I just heard the dryer buzzer. If I have a snowball's chance in hell of saving the world then I'm gonna need a fresh skirt. By the way, God.....what happened to the......Wow! I can't believe this."
What's wrong Mimi?"
"I just found my pink fluffy sock from 1969! Thank you!"
"You're welcome.""But what about Hillary? How will she do? You said....."
I turned and He was gone. I guess I'll just have to wait....wait...Wait a minute! Come back here God!"
"What now?"
"Where's the other one?"

Reprinted from 2007 c. Mimi Lenox
I take full responsibility for the politically incorrect and frivolous sock conversation with The Almighty. Amen and amen. (And no, the crazy man has not called. but I'll keep you posted....perhaps he read my blog!)



Chuck said...

I'm reading along and getting a real kick out of your post (my kick has no sock) and then boom, bing, bang your last line hit me hard. Amen, amen to the almighty for putting up with your politically in ?? correct sock humor.

...but maybe more importantly. Why per chance do you have a pencil in your boot?

Oh well.

Until next time. *smackies*

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

You crack me up. Where you drinking when you had this conversation with the Almighty? Just asking. What a fun story and I love all the not so politically correct parts too. Have a great evening my Queen. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

Chuck - Because I'm a pencil skirt silly and I might need to erase something I say at any given moment.

Like now during the politically incorrect-I-hope-no-one-took-offense-to-that which I just posted. See? Not to be taken seriously....

Mimi Lenox said...

Sandee - I forgot to apologize for irreverence too!

To answer your question, He allows me to drink Godiva and Godiva only. I can handle my chocolate with the best of 'em....

Travis said...

I need to spend a weekend with your archives. You have posts that make me go hmmmm and haha and ppppffffffffttttttt.

Sometimes that's all in the same post!

Our Red Thread Journey said...

I left you a little gift in my blog post today!

crazy working mom said...

So THAT'S what happened to my socks?! *sigh*

Great post, Mimi. I'm glad that crazy man hasn't called ya.

Charles Gramlich said...

I've always wondered myself.

Arv said...

lol... Its a nice ode to those missing socks :)

take care mate..

Bond said...

OK, it is time you start going to that support group I told you about... This thing with missing socks has begun to interfere with your daily life...

Mimi Lenox said...

Trav - Glad to oblige ..

Red Thread - Thank you! I saw it and will post it soon. Very much appreciated.

Mimi Lenox said...

Tish - That has now changed. "Click" is such a nice sound. I am making a new recording: "The Queen is on vacation in Greece with little Hawaiin Girl" (It wouldn't be a lie. Akelamalu asked me to go!)

Mimi Lenox said...

Charles - And now ya know.

Arv - Ode to Missing Socks has a nice ring to it...Thanks!

Mimi Lenox said...

Bond - Ha ha very funny.
We're meeting at 6:00.
Yep. It's time. Next I'll be writing about missing shoes, spoons, makeup...wait a minute...I did lose my eyeliner yesterday.

Akelamalu said...

I have a theory -

Tumble dryers have a secret compartment where one sock is sucked into in every other washload. Trouble is I can't find the secret compartment because it's secret! :(

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

As Dick Nixon once said, "Sock it to me..."

Mimi Lenox said...

Bud - As did Judy Carne on Laugh-In.....and then she got all wet. Everytime! I'm suddenly remembering the seventies.

Lee said...

I truly think that when we walk through the pearly gates, our conversations with God will sound a lot like the one you shared here. In our limited understanding, His ways and His purposes will seem just as hard to understand.

By the way, one sock will not be enough to keep Imus from saying things he shouldn't.

Linda said...

Now if you had talked to me before you talked to the Almighty you might have been able to ask him where my other elephant print sock got off to! It's just no fun having only one elephant print sock and looks very strange when I wear it with one of my frog or cat or dog socks!

As for the whole unPCness of this post ... LOVE IT!!!

Ferd said...

Enlightening! Here all this time I thought it was the work of the devil!

Mimi Lenox said...

Lee - You do have a point about Imus and those conversations!

Mimi Lenox said...

Linda - Never fear Your Duchessness. I can always make another appointment. A have a whole LIST of questions for him.

Mimi Lenox said...

Akelamalu - Taking notes. I'll ask Him next time about that secret compartment. Don't forget to let me out of the suitcase for some air as soon as you get to Greece. Shhh.....

Mimi Lenox said...

Ferd - Maybe I was talking to the wrong person after all!!

Julie said...

Remember the rant Jack Nicholson had about sock heaven. Are you related?

Mimi Lenox said...

Julie - I need to look that up again!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

The CRAZY MAN ????

I can't take it ... must investigate .....

Patti said...

Safe socks is my motto.

Oh, that's safe sex. Well, never mind.

Soooooo glad Crazy Man has not called you, Your Highness.

Mimi Lenox said...

Eric - And it even got crazier!

Patti - I cannot believe you said that Your Princessness. I'm shocked!
(No call, Patti. An email which was nuts. I wrote back and said "Forgettable? Forget it!")
Crazy, just crazy.

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